The MPS Nicknames

We are frequently asked for a cheat-sheet of all our favorite players. So, just because we love the Scissorheads best of all, here is the list. It will probably be updated frequently.

It doesn’t fit the nickname rubric so it goes here:

Ameros, by the way, are the One World Order currency that our pal One-L was claiming that the Kenyan Usurper was planning when he takes over all of the Americas and Canadastan, too.

To Melania something: Copy and Paste, wholesale plagiarism. Just like Melania Trump did to Michelle Obama.

  • Admiral Weiner = George Will
  • The Angry Inch = Sean Spicer (he’s really, truly angry AND short)
  • The Aquah Budha = Rand Paul
  • Balok = Mary Matalin, due to her Botox-induced resemblance to the rubber monster on Star Trek’s closing credits
  • Big Gulp = Senator Marco Rubio, from when he gave the Wingnuttian rebuttal to Obama’s SOTU address
  • Blam-Blam = Dick Cheney, from when he shot the old guy in the face
  • Black Walnut = Herman Cain. He gave himself this nickname, btw.
  • Blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabee = Paul Ryan
  • The Boreal Narcissus = Sarah Palin, also known as Mooselini
  • Boss Hogg = Former MS Governor Haley Barbour; married to Madame Hogg
  • Brisket® = Bristol Palin; the ® is because she registered her name as a trademark.
  • Bullshit Barbie = Kellyanne Conway
  • Captain Dildo = James O’Keefe, the gotcha filmmaker who famously tried to seduce (on film no less) a real reporter by bringing her to a sex-toy filled boat.
  • Chimpy McStagger = President George Dubya Bush
  • Chinless Mitch = Mitch McConnell
  • Dancin’ Dave = David Gregory, so named because famously, he got on stage and danced while Turdblossom rapped. The horror, the horror!
  • D’vorce D’Spousa – Dinesh D’Souza, another hypocritical Xristian Xrazie caught with a mistress in a hotel room.
  • Doughy Pantload = Jonah Goldberg; not mine, but by universal acclaim
  • Dumb Spice = Sean Spicer
  • E-Squared = Erick Erickson, who once called a sitting Supreme Court Justice a goat-fucking child molestor
  • Fat Termite = Mike Pence, the amazingly wooden man with a head full of sawdust come to life, barely
  • The First Shady = Ivanka Trump
  • Fratsputin = Jared Kushner
  • Frothy = Rick Santorum; also sometimes called Pope Sanctimonious I
  • The Frosted Tips Twins = the bigoted Benham Brothers
  • Gilligan = Paul Ryan, allegedly what Romney’s campaign staff calls Paul Ryan behind his back.
  • Gomer = Mike Huckabee, secret squirrel frier; married to The Gomerette
  • Governor Sammiches = Chris Christi, sometime just Sammiches
  • Grandpa Walnuts = Senator John McCain
  • Hair Furer = Donald Trump; see also Vulgarmort
  • Hot Ham = Scott Walker
  • The Human Hindenburg = Rush Limbaugh
  • Iago = Eric Cantor
  • Junkie Limbaugh = Rush Limbaugh
  • Larry Klansman = Larry Klayman, the man who is raising a class-action suit on behalf of white people against the Kenyan Usurper for endangering them.
  • Malkkkin = Michele Malkkkin
  • Mistress Condi = Condoleeza Rice, whom we suspect of being a secret dominatrix. Her slave is The Worm Hadley.
  • Mooselini = Sarah Palin, also sometimes The Boreal Narcissus
  • Newticles = Newt Gingrich
  • Orange Crush = John Boehner because of his peculiar color. Also known as Weepy
  • Orwell-yanne = Kellyanne Conway
  • Our Lady of the Immaculate Cheesecake = Katherine Jean Lopez
  • Peggington Noonington = Peggy Noonan
  • Petunia (and Pals) = Gretchen Carlson and the Fox and Friends cast of buffoons and circus freaks
  • Pope Sanctimonious I = Rick Santorum; also sometimes called Frothy
  • Saint Ronnie = Ronald Reagan
  • Sammiches = Chris Christi, sometime Governor Sammiches
  • Squint = Joe Scarbourough
  • The Savior = Marco Rubio, as dubbed by Time Magazine
  • Schrödinger’s Candidate = Rand Paul, a man on all sides of all issues all at once.
  • SoyBlo = Meghan McCain; short for Soylent Blonde
  • The Stench = Another name for Mitt Romney, allegedly what Paul Ryan calls him behind his back (because it was said that Ryan would have to wash the stench off of himself if he ever ran for national office on his own).
  • Traitor Joe = Joe Lieberman
  • Turdblossom = Karl Rove, not ours: Chimpy McStagger nicknamed him this.
  • Tweety = Chris Matthews
  • Uncle Goldbug = Ron Paul, because of his stance on hard money
  • Uncle Sugar = Mike Huckabee, who once said that the only reason women voted for Dim-o-crats was because Uncle Sugar promised to pay for their birth control
  • Vanilla ISIS = 1) Donald Trump, 2) Generalized WASP-ish would-be Xristian terrorists.
  • Vulgarmort = Donald Trump. Nickname submitted by Scissorhead B-4, and approved by the Committee Who Names Things by unanimous acclamation.
  • Weepy = John Boehner, who cries a lot; sometimes known as Weepy McDrunky because, well, he’s a notorious drunk; also sometimes known as the Orange Crush because of his peculiar color.
  • Willard, The Willard Mechanism, His Willardness = Willard Mitt Romney
  • The Worm Hadley = Chimpy’s former national security advisor Stephan Hadley, whom we suspect was the submissive to Mistress Condi’s dominatrix.
  • Y’all Qaeda = conservative politicians who would rather have a theocracy than a democracy. Usually self-professed Xristians.

10 Responses to The MPS Nicknames

  1. Pingback: Duplicitous GOP Wants Women To Work Full Time While Staying Home To Raise The Kids | vegasjessie

    • tengrain says:

      Bluhpeople –

      You can send tips to me at Tengrain AT mockpaperscissors DOT com

      Thanks – that was an interesting read.




      • Joel Fox says:

        May I humbly suggest that any mention of The Donald be replaced with the nickname “Donito Jong Trump.” hat tips to Benito Mussolini and Kim Jong Il.
        Thank you for your consideration.


  2. vonbeavis says:

    Zombie-eyed grannie starver. I attribute that to you for Paul Ryan.


    • Jim says:

      I believe that might have been originally coined by Charlie Pierce as was Princess Dumbass of the Northlands (for Palin, of course).


    • tengrain says:

      No, It was Charlie Pierce. I had the blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabe, but by acclamation Pierce won. I do believe, however, that the abbreviation ZEGS is ours. Small consolation prize.




  3. Zak44 says:

    Donald Squirrelhands. The sphincter-mouthed vulgarian.


  4. Mike Lubin says:

    Love your stuff but don’t you think that Hair Furor would be more appropriate.


  5. Chris Fitting says:

    Hair Furur is also a size #13 SMALL! His EC total was13th from the bottom! Everything about him is SMALL,

    Liked by 1 person

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