We are frequently asked for a cheat-sheet of all our favorite players. So, just because we love the Scissorheads best of all, here is the list. It will probably be updated frequently.
If it doesn’t fit the nickname rubric, it goes here:
Ameros, by the way, are the One World Order currency that our pal One-L was claiming that the Kenyan Usurper was planning when he takes over all of the Americas and Canadastan, too.
Tengrain’s Definition of Hypocrisy: Hypocrisy is not about failing to live up to your standards. Hypocrisy is teaching/preaching something you clearly don’t actually believe as demonstrated by your actions.
Tengrain’s Bear Theory: A person doesn’t have to out-run a bear, they have to out-run the person next to them. This explains the unexplainable popularity of Trump: it’s all relative to how much his base hates the same things he hates. As long as they hate those people/things more than they hate him, he’ll win.
Tengrain’s Rule of PeeCee: Whenever a conservative blames anything on being politically correct, what they mean is that Civil Rights got in their way.
To Melania [something]: Copy and Paste, wholesale plagiarism. Just like Melania Trump did to Michelle Obama.
The MPS Rule on Bribes: If you give someone something in a plain wrapper, that’s a gift. If it has a your name written all over it, that’s a bribe. (H/T Scissorhead Dimitrios)
Trump’s Razor: Ascertain the stupidest possible scenario that can be reconciled with the available facts and that answer is likely correct. An homage to William of Occam.
Zuckerism is the practice of knowingly broadcasting bullshit and then dramatizing the bullshit on shouty panel shows. Named for Jeff Zucker of CNN:
And now, the nicknames:
- Admiral Weiner = George Will
- The Angry Inch = Sean Spicer (he’s really, truly angry AND short)
- The Aquah Budha = Rand Paul
- Babs-the-Impaler = the late Barbara Bush
- Balok = Mary Matalin, due to her Botox-induced resemblance to the rubber monster on Star Trek’s closing credits
- Big Gulp = Senator Marco Rubio, from when he gave the Wingnuttian rebuttal to Obama’s SOTU address
- Blam-Blam = Dick Cheney, from when he shot the old guy in the face
- Black Walnut = The late Herman Cain. He gave himself this nickname.
- Blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabee = Paul Ryan; see also Zombie-eyed Granny-starver.
- The Boreal Narcissus = Sarah Palin, also known as Mooselini
- Boss Hogg = Former MS Governor Haley Barbour; married to Madame Hogg
- Brisket® = Bristol Palin; the ® is because she registered her name as a trademark.
- Bullshit Barbie = Kellyanne Conway
- Captain Dildo = James O’Keefe, the gotcha filmmaker who famously tried to seduce (on film no less) a real reporter by bringing her to a sex-toy filled boat.
- Chimpy McStagger = President George Dubya Bush
- Chinless Mitch = Mitch McConnell
- Coup Klux Klan = Republicans
- Craven Morebucks = Louise Linton, the grasping wife of Treasury Secretary and living typo Steve Mnunchin.
- Crown Prince Bone Saw = Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, because he (ALLEGEDLY) sent a hit squad to kill WaPo Columnist Jamal Khashoggi, and it involved having him cut up into small bits and sent out of the embassy in diplomatic pouches.
- Dancin’ Dave = David Gregory, so named because famously, he got on stage and danced while Turdblossom rapped. The horror, the horror!
- D’vorce D’Spousa – Dinesh D’Souza, another hypocritical Xristian Xrazie caught with a mistress in a hotel room.
- Doughy Pantload = Jonah Goldberg; not mine, but by universal acclaim
- Dumb Spice = Sean Spicer
- E-Squared = Erick Erickson, who once called a sitting Supreme Court Justice a goat-fucking child molestor
- Elmira Gantry = Sarah Huckabee Sanders
- Faceberg = Mark Zuckerberg, whose identity is wrapped up in his product
- Fat Termite = Mike Pence, the amazingly wooden man with a head full of sawdust come to life, barely
- The First Shady = Ivanka Trump; see also Ivanka-ka.
- Fratsputin = Jared Kushner
- Frothy = Rick Santorum; also sometimes called Pope Sanctimonious I
- The Frosted Tips Twins = the bigoted Benham Brothers
- Gilligan = Paul Ryan, allegedly what Romney’s campaign staff calls Paul Ryan behind his back.
- Gomer = Mike Huckabee, secret squirrel frier; married to The Gomerette
- Governor Sammiches = Chris Christi, sometime just Sammiches
- Grandpa Walnuts = Senator John McCain
- Gym Jordan = OH Rep. Jim Jordan, used to coach at the Gym of Debouchery, where he claimed he never knew his athletes were being molested and peeped upon
- Hair Furer = Donald Trump; see also Vulgarmort
- Hot Ham = Scott Walker
- The Human Hindenburg = Rush Limbaugh
- Iago = Eric Cantor
- Ivanka-ka = Ivanka, Hat tip: Scissorhead Steve-O. See also The First Shady
- Jaws — Nancy Reagan. Do I really have to explain why?
- Junkie Limbaugh = Rush Limbaugh
- Justice Gangbang = Brett Kavanaugh, you know, because he (ALLEGEDLY) led a crew of serial sex offenders as a drunken teen, including allegations of gang rapes. (See also: Mayor of Keg City)
- Larry Klansman = Larry Klayman, the man who is raising a class-action suit on behalf of white people against the Kenyan Usurper for endangering them.
- Living Typo = Treasury Secretary Steve Mnunchin, husband of Craven Morebucks.
- Lord Dampnut = an anagram of Donald Trump
- Malkkkin = Michele Malkkkin
- Mayor of Keg City = Brett Kavanaugh, for his love of beer. (See also Justice Gangbang.)
- Mistress Condi = Condoleeza Rice, whom we suspect of being a secret dominatrix. Her slave is The Worm Hadley.
- Moochifer = Anthony Scaramucci. See also ‘Smoochi’
- Mooselini = Sarah Palin, also sometimes The Boreal Narcissus
- Newticles, Noot = Newt Gingrich
- One-L = Michele Bachmann, who is missing an “L” from her name, just like she is missing her marbles
- Orwell-yanne = Kellyanne Conway
- Our Lady of the Immaculate Cheesecake = Katherine Jean Lopez
- Pee-Wee Goering = Stephan Miller
- Peggington Noonington = Peggy Noonan
- Petunia (and Pals) = Gretchen Carlson and the Fox and Friends cast of buffoons and circus freaks
- Pope Sanctimonious I = Rick Santorum; also sometimes called Frothy
- Possum Queen = Sarah Huckabee Sanders
- Raggedy Anthrax = Kayleigh McEnany, Comrade Trump’s liar press secretary
- Saint Ronnie = Ronald Reagan, married to Jaws
- Sammiches = Chris Christi, sometime Governor Sammiches
- Smoochi = Anthony Scaramucci, noted ass-kisser. Also known as Moochifer
- Squint = Joe Scarbourough
- Schrödinger’s [Candidate, Senator, etc.] = Rand Paul, a man on all sides of all issues all at once.
- SoyBlo = Meghan McCain; short for Soylent Blonde
- The Stench = Another name for Mitt Romney, allegedly what Paul Ryan calls him behind his back (because it was said that Ryan would have to wash the stench off of himself if he ever ran for national office on his own).
- Thumbhead = Sean Hannity for his uncanny resemblance to a thumb with a face drawn on it.
- Traitor Joe = Joe Lieberman
- Turdblossom = Karl Rove, not ours: Chimpy McStagger nicknamed him this.
- Tweety = Chris Matthews, by popular proclamation
- Twizzler = Eric Trump, who allegedly accused people who worked on The Apprentice of stealing his Twizzlers and tried to get them fired/disciplined.
- Uncle Goldbug = Ron Paul, because of his stance on hard money
- Uncle Sugar = Mike Huckabee, who once said that the only reason women voted for Dim-o-crats was because Uncle Sugar promised to pay for their birth control
- Upchuck = Chuck Todd
- Vanilla ISIS = 1) Donald Trump, 2) Generalized WASP-ish would-be Xristian terrorists.
- Vulgarmort = Donald Trump. Nickname submitted by Scissorhead B-4, and approved by the Committee Who Names Things by unanimous acclamation.
- Weepy = John Boehner, who cries a lot; sometimes known as Weepy McDrunky because, well, he’s a notorious drunk
- Willard, The Willard Mechanism, His Willardness = Willard Mitt Romney
- The Worm Hadley = Chimpy’s former national security advisor Stephan Hadley, whom we suspect was the submissive to Mistress Condi’s dominatrix.
- Y’all Qaeda = conservative politicians who would rather have a theocracy than a democracy. Usually self-professed Xristians.
- Zombie-eyed Granny-starver: Paul Ryan, as bestowed on him by Charles Pierce at Esquire. See also Blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabe.