The Morning Quote

Sean dreams of a Trump preznincy.

Sean dreams of a Trump preznincy.

Birtherism, redux:

“I have an offer for the president. I will charter a plane for you and your family,’ Hannity said on his daily radio show. ‘I will charter it to the country of your choice. You want to go to Canada? I’ll pay for you to go to Canada. You want to go to Kenya? I’ll pay for you to go to Kenya. Jakarta, where you went to school back in the day, you can go back there.”

Hannity added one condition: Obama “can’t come back.”

Posted in Birthers, Death of the Media, Fox News, media, Sean Hannity, Talentless Hacks | 6 Comments

Noot Serves Us Our Morning Cuppa Stupid

Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, laughed so hard she farted

Let’s watch Noot loose his, well, newticles at Megyn Kelly:

Noot lecturing anyone about sexual predators is pretty hysterical; I’m sure Callista is somewhere having her hair helmet buffed and burnished so it doesn’t get mussed up under the desk today.

Posted in Mansplaining, Newticles, sexism, Shallow graves for shallow people, War on Women, Wingnuttia | 8 Comments

Fashion Week Continued


I’ll say.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)

Posted in Fashion Week | 3 Comments

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Tony Perkins, head of the tax-exempt hate group Family Research Council was inspired by Hair Furer Donald Trump’s attempt at a Gettysburg Address (you know, threatening law suits against the skirts who accused him of groping) and decided to do his own honest Abe speech, which takes some brass when you think about it:

It’s difficult to imagine a time in our nation’s history when Americans were more divided than they were during the Civil War. With the United States on the brink of near-extinction, and brother fighting brother, the future could not have looked bleaker than when President Abraham Lincoln took to the hallowed grounds of Gettysburg, stained with the blood of thousands of men, to begin the long road back to healing.

On Saturday, 28 presidents removed from the one who delivered what many consider to be the greatest political speech in American history, Donald Trump returned to that battlefield to deliver remarks of his own. Hoping to make one last case for his candidacy, he released a “Contract with the American Voter” outlining his first acts as president to “restore security and the constitutional law.” His agenda for the first 100 days — replacing Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court, overturning this White House’s unconstitutional executive orders, canceling funding for sanctuary cities, enforcing immigration laws, and initiating “extreme vetting” of people entering the U.S. — is an ambitious start to undoing the damage of the Obama years. “Hillary Clinton is not running against me. She is running against change,” he said. “We will drain the swamp in Washington, D.C., and replace it with a new government of, by and for the people,” Trump promised, echoing Lincoln’s famous words. “That is why I have chosen Gettysburg to unveil this contract.”

… As with Lincoln, we can pray that under a pro-life president the 58 million unborn Americans shall not have died in vain. Until then, Trump had a warning for the millions of voters uncertain about what to do on November 8.

Totally what Lincoln would have said. But wait! Ginzu knives coming… because Perkins published this tripe on the FRC website, thus daring the IRS, he chickens out at the end:

DISCLAIMER: Tony Perkins is supporting a candidate in his individual and personal capacity only, and it should not be construed or interpreted in any way as the endorsement of FRC, FRC Action, or any affiliated entity.

So I guess anyone can publish an opposing view on FRC now, hmmm?

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Hair Furer, Donald Trump, Theocrats, Tony Perkins | 3 Comments

The MPS Handy Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide To The 2016 Goat Rodeo Aftermath

The crack research team at Mock, Paper, Scissors has done it again! We spent literally minutes researching all the possible outcomes of the 2016 Goat Rodeo finale, and we even remembered to carry the 2.

So, for your convenience here is our decision tree for when to know if your Facebook Rage Uncle is going to be a patriot and riot in the streets at the exciting conclusion of the Rodeo!


Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo | 3 Comments

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Sen. Ro-Jo?

Sen. Johnson said WHAT?!

Sen. Johnson said WHAT?!

Future-former Senator Ron Johnson, the intellectual solar flair of the Senate, has sumpin’ he want to tell us about climate change:

“I’ve never denied climate change. It has always changed, always will,” he said. “The sun has the primary effect on weather and climate on planet Earth, so I’m just not a climate change alarmist.”

“Mankind has actually flourished in warmer temperatures,” he continued. “I just think the question always is what is the cost versus the benefit of anything we do to try and clean up our environment … I’m highly concerned about the climate alarmists that are going to spend a lot of money and have no impact whatsoever on the climate but have a great deal of harm on our economy.”

In the same article, he uses as proof of his Civilization Thrives In Warm Weather thesis that this is why people move to Florida and Texas, and not Alaska.

RoJo: Bright Lights, Dim City.

Posted in People Dumber than Dolphins | 10 Comments

Midday Palate Cleanser

Forget Twerking, the booty-boop is the dance craze sweeping the nation!

Posted in dogs, Palate Cleansers | 2 Comments

Requiem for a Granny-Starver


If you need proof that the Republicans have indeed gone over the falls in a barrel, here it is:

A majority of Republican voters in a NBC/Survey Monkey poll released Tuesday says they would trust presidential nominee Donald Trump to lead the GOP over Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.).

The survey shows that 63 percent of Republican and Republican-leaning voters say they trust Trump more than Ryan to lead the party, while 34 percent put their trust in the Speaker.

We keep reminding everyone: Trump is not a symptom, Trump is the GOP. So the orcs and mouthbreathers trust the guy who is destroying their party more than Zombie-eyed Granny-starver Paul Ryan?

So who will mourn the removal of the gavel from Paul Ryan’s kung-fu grip, I mean other than Agnotology enthusiat pundits who see him as some sort of dreamboat? Will the king of asterisk farrago budgeting be sent into the sunset? Will Ayn Rand weep from beyond the veil?

Popcorn, anyone?

Popcorn, anyone?

Who cares.

Posted in Zombie-eyed Granny-starving | 4 Comments

For the Love of Dawg…

…please re-elect this dude and get him outta the house is the message:

OK, he’s a Republican, but this is a pretty great ad. At least he can laugh at himself.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Posted in snark | 4 Comments

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Donald?

Trump tries to play the funeral dirge?

Trump tries to play the funeral dirge?

Oh, Trump is determined to lose all the skirts in the country:

In an appearance on WGIR radio’s “New Hampshire Today,” Trump called the accusations against him “total fiction.”

These women have accused Trump of sexual harassment

“These are stories that are made up, these are total fiction. You’ll find out that, in the years to come, these women that stood up, it was all fiction,” he said. “They were made up. I don’t know these women, it’s not my thing to do what they say. You know I don’t do that. I don’t grab them, as they say, on the arm.”

[That’s part of the problem, Donnie. Do Continue.]

“One said, ‘he grabbed me on the arm.’ And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before,” Trump said.

 OK, let’s jump into it: it doesn’t matter what the woman’s career is, NO means NO. Is that so hard to understand?

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Hair Furer, Donald Trump, sexism, War on Women | 8 Comments