Your Bottomless Flute of Stupid is Served

Hey, Vulgarmort

When you become the punchline of cheap food advertising, you’ve hit the big time. Yuuge!

Kisses,

Tengrain

(Hat tip: @Jxnewton on the electric Twitter machine)

Posted in snark | 3 Comments

Bad Signs, Cont.

Quantum

Our Virgin America Week continues!

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Patrick Bjorn)

Posted in Bad Signs | 11 Comments

He Seems Nice (Part Infinity)

Your Kind Cannot Pee Here

Pee Away!

Pee Away!

Meet Denton County Texas’ Sheriff candidate, Republican Tracy Murphree:

“All I can say is this: If my little girl is in a public women’s restroom and a man, regardless of how he may identify, goes into the bathroom, he will then identify as a John Doe until he wakes up in whatever hospital he may be taken to. Your identity does not trump my little girl’s safety. I identify as an overprotective father that loves his kids and would do anything to protect them”

And the kicker is that Texas is likely to elect this guy as a Peace Officer. Imagine what that signals to the citizens of Denton who might need help while being assaulted by Bubba and his pals, in a bathroom or any other room. You’d think twice before reporting it if the Sheriff quite literally is calling for violence on LGBTQ people.

And lest we all forget, there is not a single case of a bathroom sexual assault committed by a trans person, anywhere. There are, however plenty of cases of Republicans sexually assaulting people in public restrooms.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Pupienus Maximus )

Posted in Crazeee States, Homophobia, Texas, transphobia, Your Kinda Cannot Pee Here | 10 Comments

Jergens Will Declare A Dividend When…

Dignitude!

Dignitude!

…Jeebusland learns that the female Ted Cruz look-alike has agreed to do a porno:

XHamster.com, a popular porn website, has offered to pay [21-year-old Cruz look-alike Searcy Hayes and her fiance, 25-year-old Freddie Green] $10,000 for a 6-minute sex tape.

For those keeping score, that’s about $1,666.66 per each minute of carnal screen time.

“We wanted Searcy because overnight she became a viral meme,” XHamster spokesman Mike Kulich told The Huffington Post. “I think a lot of XHamster viewers really wanted to see her in action.”

Kulich figures that since it’s doubtful Cruz is going to film a sex tape — at least while he’s still a candidate for president — this is the next best thing.

Hayes and Green have agreed to make the film.

The fapping noise from Bryan Fischer’s house alone will probably be deafening, but I’m only guessing.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Ayatollah Ted Cruz | 6 Comments

Happy Passover, John Kasich! Chag Sameach!

John Kasich separated at birth

This John ‘Who Me’ Kasich quote is a few days old, and I’ve been saving it, as it is nearly as funny as Rick Perry Dancing with the Rabbis:

“It’s a wonderful, wonderful holiday for our friends in the Jewish community – the Passover,” Kasich opined, before referencing the blood of Christ.

“The great link between the blood that was put above the lamp posts,” he said, seemingly unaware that “lamp posts” were not in the Passover story. “The blood of the lamb, because Jesus Christ is known as the lamb of God. It’s his blood, we believe…”

–Talmudic Scholar, John Kasich.

Posted in holidays, John 'Who, me?' Kasich, Passover | 10 Comments

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid Is Served

This is the new ad released by a Pro-Hillary Clinton Super PAC Friday:

While I believe strict enforcement of a Nickleback ban is necessary (for the children!), I am on Team Avocado. Ayatollah Ted must be stopped!

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Ayatollah Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton | 4 Comments

Flashback Friday

NSFW-ish because of Chilli Peppers? Themes are hard to come up with.

Posted in Flashback Friday, music | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Bad Signs, Cont.

Emmet

Virgin America Week Continues!

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Patrick Bjork)

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News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Shorter Janet Porter: “The First Amendment? How does it work?”

Full-form (emphasis mine):

ESPN’s Curt Schilling was fired for suggesting men should use the men’s room.

Because of a Facebook post that suggests people ought to use bathrooms that match their biological gender, ESPN said: “Curt Schilling has been advised that his conduct was unacceptable and his employment with ESPN has been terminated.”

Let ESPN know what’s unacceptable is letting grown men share bathrooms with little girls and women: Call ESPN at 1-888-549-3776.

It’s unacceptable to police people’s speech and fire them for exercising their First Amendment Freedoms.

Schilling stated, “I am not going to give you answers to make sure you like what I say, let the rest of the insecure world do that.”

Hey Janet Folger Porter, here’s how it works: the Government cannot pass any law that infringes upon your speech, but the speaker owns any consequences for his/her exercise of that free speech, which includes being fired for what s/he says. That wasn’t the big, bad gubmint who fired Schilling, that was his private employer. It is working as designed.

Posted in Get Off The Cross, Theocrats, transphobia, Xristian Xraxies, Your Kinda Cannot Pee Here | 7 Comments

The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan

Anatomy of a Column

Noonan-in-her-cups

eggy Noonan was in her Yoga class assuming the challenging position of Downward-Facing Barstool (flat on back with arms and legs raised up) and as was her custom she was considering the constant vulgarities of modern life. Did the pundits of yore ever find themselves—in public—flat on the backs like a bug, pithed? No. They did not.

From the corner of her eye, she checked out Maggie Haberman who was doing something unseemly, pulling one foot over her head. Shuddering, she closed her eyes and assumed the Lotus position and started her rhythmic breathing. “Ommm… ooom…rummmm… rummm,” when he mind cleared and she found herself face-to-face with the Buddha who bore a striking resemblance to Ronald Wilson Reagan, the greatest president of the last half of the last century, maybe the greatest president ever.

“Master,” began Noonan…

Have you had your 2016 Moment? I think you probably have, or will.

Reagan nodded sagely, and Noonan continued.

We’ve had a lot to absorb—the breaking of a party, the rise of an outlandish outsider; a lurch to the left in the other party, the popular rise of a socialist. Alongside that, the enduring power of a candidate even her most ardent supporters accept as corrupt. Add the lowering of standards, the feeling of no options, the coarsening, and all the new estrangements.

Reagan nodded sagely, and Noonan continued.

“I was offended that those curiously quick to write essays about who broke the party were usually those who’d backed the policies that broke it.”

Reagan smiled at Noonan, who blushed as as she continued.

“Lately conservative thinkers and journalists had taken to making clear their disdain for the white working class. I had actually not known they looked down on them.”

Reagan’s smile turned into giggle, and undeterred Noonan soldiered-on!

“…If you’re a writer lucky enough to have thoughts…

Reagan fell off his pillow, wheezing and started to slap the ground. Noonan angrily shouted over the guffawing!

“…and be paid to express them…

Reagan shrieked with laughter and farted. It upset Noonan’s Chi, but she pressed on:

…and there are Americans on the ground struggling, suffering—some of them making mistakes, some unlucky—you don’t owe them your airy, well-put contempt, you owe them your loyalty.”

“Peggy,” Reagan said, “you’re killing me, stop this!”

Demurely, Noonan stopped as her hands floated up to her ever-present pearl necklace, a gift from the great man himself.

“Peggy, you know as well as I that it was my policies that set in motion today’s troubles. Rising income inequality? That was mine? Blaming blacks for all of society’s woes? Me again! ”

Peggy looked off in the distance (in her mind) and suddenly a soundtrack appeared:

Then for no reason—this is true, it just doesn’t sound it—I thought of an old Paul Simon song that had been crossing my mind, “The Boy in the Bubble.” …“The way we look to a distant constellation / That’s dying in a corner of the sky / . . . Don’t cry baby / Don’t cry”

Noonan started to feel tears welling in her eyes when Nancy Reagan materialized and interrupted her Zen state: “Hey Nooner,” she screeched, “You left out the best part!”

It’s every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart

Nancy then reached over to Ronnie and stage whispered, “Come’on, Ronnie, I found my kneepads, and I’ll give you some Paradise By The Dashboard Light.”

Noonan zapped out of her Zen moment and returned the Yoga Studio just in time to see Haberman doing Kegal exercises. Noona rolled up her Bacardi-branded yoga mat and fled the studio.

That Moment When 2016 Hits You
‘I felt a wave of sadness,’ said one friend. This year’s politics have that effect on a lot of Americans. By Peggy Noonan

(New Readers: The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan is a sometimes feature (of the past 10 years!) where we parody the much-quoted Reagan hagiographer Peggy Noonan to try to understand the genesis of her Declarations column in the WSJ. We do not know if Noonan ever has achieved a state of Zen, but to paraphrase the Great Writer herself, “Is it irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to.” – Bacardi Lifetime Achievement Winner, Peggy Noonan, Wall St. Journal, April 2000.)

Posted in anatomy of a column | 11 Comments