Hey Nevada, Ted Cruz Wants to F*** Your Rat

And given the chance, Ted would privatize Nevada’s land (I don’t doubt this for a moment), and I think we all know that Nevada would end up in the hands of the extraction industries, and not the ranchers.

Sorta weird though, because he’s putting out an appeal to the militia/Bundy types and this will definitely come back to bite him in the General campaign if he’s the nominee.

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Ayatollah Ted Cruz | 11 Comments

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Ted?

The stupid... it burns

The stupid… it burns

Can you feel the joy?

Washington (CNN)Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz made an unusual suggestion for U.N. ambassador at a rally on Friday: “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson.

“You know there’s a reason he terrifies the mainstream media. He says the things you’re not supposed to say,” Cruz said at Friday’s rally. “He actually remembers who we are as Americans and just speaks it with a joy, not with an anger, not with a hatred, with a joy in who we are.”

Strange definition of joy you got there, Sparky.

(Links are not CNN’s)

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Ayatollah Ted Cruz | 10 Comments

The Further Adventures Of Peggy Noonan

Anatomy of a Column


eggy Noonan was in the semi-finals—the very semi-finals!—at her new favorite watering hole The Chelsea Pier.

“B-9,” she said with steely reserve.

“Hit!,” shrieked the Nancy Reagan impersonator (“complete with five-o’clock shadow, just like the real one,” Noonan snickered to herself), and quickly added “Drink!”

Lifetime Bacardi Achievement winner that she is, Noonan picked up the shot glass, her tongue flicked across her lips, and with a single, professional and fluid movement the fiery liquid emptied through her perfectly glossed lips. “Ahh,” she said, smacking her lips. The crowd cheered Noonan, who blushed slightly.

Noonan looked shyly at her opponent waiting for the fresh bombardment to begin. They were tied (as indicated by the shot glasses, like so many dead soldiers before them).

“Antonin Scalia was brave, with that exhausting kind of courage that has to do with swimming each day against the tide,” Noonan declared.

“I-4,” replied Reagan.

“Miss,” Noonan rejoined. “In a 50/50 country, one that suffers deep ideological divisions and is constantly at its own throat, Justice Scalia stood, for that half of the country that is more or less conservative, for wisdom, permanence, enduring structures and understandings.” and then added, “B-8!”


Noonan reached for the awaiting shot glass.

“When the court is roughly balanced, 5-4,” Noonan said, examining the level of the rum in the glass, “the public is allowed to assume some rough approximation of justice will occur—that something that looks like justice will be handed down.”

The glass approached her parched lips.

“There will be chafing and disappointments. ObamaCare will be upheld. Yay! Boo!Gay marriage will be instituted across the land. Yay! Boo!,” with a single flick of her wrist the refreshment slid down her throat. Her dainty hand fluttered up to her pearls, a gift from the greatest president of the last century, maybe the greatest president ever: Ronald Wilson Reagan. A warm feeling engulfed her just thinking his name.

Smacking her lips, Noonan continued, “The closeness of the vote suggests both sides got heard. The closeness contributes to an air of credibility. That credibility helps people accept the court’s rulings.”

“So Peggy,” the false Nancy Reagan said to her, “do you think that Brown v Board of education required more balance? It was 9-0, and so it was not credible? Is that what you are saying?” And then quickly added “B-4!”

Noonan blinked. “You sank my battleship.”

(The Court, Like the Country, Needs Balance By Peggy Noonan)

(New Readers: The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan is a sometimes feature where we parody the much-quoted Reagan hagiographer Peggy Noonan to try to understand the genesis of her Declarations column in the WSJ. We do not know if Noonan really plays Battleship for Shots, but to paraphrase the Great Writer herself, “Is it irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to.” – Bacardi Lifetime Achievement Winner, Peggy Noonan, Wall St. Journal, April 2000.)

Posted in anatomy of a column, supreme court | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

WaPo Editorial Explains…

News That Will Drive You To Drink…why the next preznint should get to appoint a new Justice to the Supreme court:

“Americans issued a stinging rebuke to this president and his policies in our latest national election, delivering a landslide for the opposition party as they handed control of the Senate to Republicans in 2014”

“…and re-elected the President to a second term” was crossed out during the edit?

It was written by notable dissemblers the amply be-chinned Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Chuck “I Am Not A Nail” Grassley.

So, is the take-away that guest editorialists get to lie in the pages of the WaPo?

Posted in Death of the Media, media | 10 Comments

“Some Say,” Some Said (Part Infinity)

"If I... Were KING... of the Forrrrrrrrrrrrest!"

“If I… Were KING… of the Forrrrrrrrrrrrest!”

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) breathlessly tells us that ¡JEB! The Smartest Bush’s® campaign donors are saying his campaign ends after South Carolina (seething hotbed of unbridled lust), and as is their tradition cite no sources! TBOTP Wins The Mornings!®:

And even some of his confidants are suddenly dejected after a dispiriting week capped off by South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley rejecting Bush in favor of Marco Rubio.

“What a kick in the balls,” said one of Bush’s closest supporters, one of the more than a dozen major Bush donors interviewed for this story.

As is our custom, let’s examine who says what:

  • said one of Bush’s closest supporters
  • said a Florida-based fundraiser
  • that donor said
  • one donor on the email chain said
  • Bush himself wasn’t on the line when one donor asked
  • said one donor
  • one Florida-based Bush donor said
  • one Washington, D.C., bundler paraphrased Bush’s message to him
  • he continued
  • two others close to Bush have been insisting
  • one longtime Bush ally said
  • said a Florida Bush supporter who’s been close to the family for the better part of three decades
  • one of Bush’s most loyal Florida backers privately admitted
  • another Florida-based Bush supporter said
  • one Jeb alumnus said

With stellar sourcing like that, who can argue with the premise that ¡JEB! is about to drop out of The 2016 Goat Rodeo?

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, ¡JEB! The Smartest Bush®, Death of the Media, media | 3 Comments

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Marco?

"My braces are too tight."

“My braces are too tight.”

Student Council Preznint-for-Life Marco ‘Big Gulp’ Rubio, the Cold Warrior for a New Generation, and beloved grandson figure of Wingnuts over the age of 65 and under the age of death, oops!, forgot to show up at a big wingnut hootenanny hosted by hate radio Mark Levine at something called Conservative Review.

Well, bad scheduling happens. Even robots have bad days, amiright? Or is it that his campaign is trying to shield him from late-breaking gaffes right before the voting (and after earning Gov. Nikki Haley’s endorsement)? So, let’s dispel with the fiction that Marco Rudio doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing…

Nonetheless, Levine was nonplussed as the event started:

“Marco Rubio would you raise your hand? He was supposed to be here. Probably went to McDonald’s.”

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Marco 'Big Gulp' Rubio | 5 Comments

Bad Signs, Cont.

StarWars Episode 8

I find the new characters for Episode VIII… disturbing.

Posted in Bad Signs | 10 Comments

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

The Stupidularity, Otherwise known as the “Scheisskopf Radius” Has Occured

The Stupidularity, Otherwise known as the “Scheisskopf Radius” Has Occured

Warning Scissorheads, the Stupidularity (otherwise known as the “Scheisskopf Radius”) has occurred and there’s no turning back from an event horizon of this magnitude!

Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini attacks free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck for supporting Elmer Gantry-wannabe Ted Cruz instead of her man, Vanilla Isis Donald Trump.

But what takes this from farce to art? She uses the stupidest man on the internet Jim Hofts, the Gateway Pundit as her primary source material.

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Ayatollah Ted Cruz, Hair Furer, Donald Trump, Mooselini | 9 Comments

Eiron is Having A Rich Day

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

Eiron, the goddess of Irony, must have had a full pot of beans because she’s laughing and farting again:

“Jesus never intended to give instructions to political leaders on how to run a country,” Mr. Falwell told CNN.

The rise of the machines must be far off, as this tool seems to have no self-awareness.

Posted in 2016 Goat Rodeo, Franklin Graham, Hair Furer, Donald Trump, Theocrats | 5 Comments

More Thoughts on the New Confederacy

GOP Evolution, Explained

GOP Evolution, Explained

One of the strangest by-products of the sausage factory manufacturing a 2016 Goat Rodeo contender has to be the simultaneous rise of Hugh Hewitt from obscure crank on hate radio to regular contributor on The Sunday Talkies and even to being a moderator during the debates.

He’s learned to speak with an outdoor voice when he’s on MSM shows. It is really remarkable.

Prior to his fringe radio show, Hewitt is probably most famous for his association with Tricky Dick Nixon. In the late ’70s—after Nixon was disgraced and sent away—Hewitt became his speechwriter. Ultimately, as a true believer, he oversaw construction of the Nixon Library, and in true Nixonian fashion decided that there should be an enemies list to deny access to the documents. Reprimanded, he left the library and started his radio career in about 1990, and he’s been at it ever since.

Anyway, I mention all of this as a pre-amble to the piece that Hewitt has written in the excrescent Washington Examiner, in which he makes the conservative case for no nominee to be entertained by The New Confederacy on the day after Fat Tony went to the great Cannoli in the Oven Fryer:

Lame duck presidents don’t get to make successful nominations for lifetime appointments in an election year. Not in 2016. Not for the past 80 years.

It is that simple. And it doesn’t matter who the president nominates — even if lightning struck and he nominated an originalist in the mold of the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

President Obama certainly has the authority to nominate a replacement for Scalia.

But the Senate Republicans are under no obligation to hold a hearing much less a vote on that nominee. The decision to deep freeze a nominee is a constitutional one, and a political decision, but it isn’t a difficult one. And to make it crystal clear, it isn’t about an individual but the institution of the court. Republican Majority Leader Mitch McConnell declared that there would be no confirmations this year even before President Obama declared he’d make a nomination anyway.

It’s pretty orthodox now, four days later, but on Sunday it was really fresh stuff. I don’t pretend to know if Hewitt set the talking points, but this is pretty much verbatim what we are hearing now.

Every GOP senator seeking re-election in a difficult race will lose if their party or they individually fold on this issue. Sens. Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, Mark Kirk of Illinois, John McCain of Arizona, Rob Portman of Ohio and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania have little choice but to stand with McConnell and Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley and refuse hearings and votes for the president’s nominee or be soundly defeated in the fall. Their party’s loyal base will not abide round heels on this issue. Rather a Democrat but an honest one than a round-heeled Republican.

Hewitt makes his threat of defeat for anyone who doesn’t toe the line. Now one must wonder if Hewitt doesn’t think that The Dims in these states might not take such obstruction well, or perhaps he doesn’t think Dims exist? Hard to say, but it is a rather parochial view of the electorate. Again, boilerplate stuff four days later.

Nor should the GOP base hesitate to fight over this issue. The Supreme Court has inserted itself into every manner of controversy over the past 30 years, from abortion to guns to marriage and now immigration. It has assumed power never intended it by the Framers, but it is what it is and there is no going back. Thus who controls the court controls the meaning of the Constitution.

Now this is really the call to arms, and as we learned in Rhetoric 101, what you say and what you choose not to say are often equal. Let’s make a list!

  • guns
  • abortion
  • marriage equality
  • immigration

And let’s add the things he doesn’t mention, but are well-known and currently on the SCOTUS docket for this session:

  • voting rights
  • affirmative action
  • union affiliation

And what you have right there is the white male existential scream. This is what Y’all Qaeda is fighting for, a restoration of what they believe is the God-given natural order of things.

With the exception of expanding gun rights, everything on that list is about putting someone back in their place: women in the kitchen, gays in the closet, deport 11 MILLION people, people of color should have pre-civil-rights era civil rights (if not pre-Civil War), and removing workers’ rights.

It’s a George Wallace world-view in a Barack Obama world, and it’s pretty ugly.

This is why I am firm in calling the Republicans The New Confederacy.

Posted in supreme court, Wingnuttia | 17 Comments