Happy Hour News

President Handsome Joe Biden
(undated file photo)

Our Failed Political Press ™ is doing some of the laziest reporting of their lazy careers right now: some news organization are reporting that the classified documents found at President Handsome Joe Biden’s home and office are similar — or even the same — as the case of classified documents found at Russian asset/Saudi agent Hair Füror’s tropical trash palace, Merde-a-Lardo.

Let’s compare and contrast! (I’m gonna try some Tiger Beat weird formatting, just for kicks)

• Handsome Joe’s staff found the documents and immediately reported it to the Justice Department, while The Merchant of Venom ignored multiple requests to return the documents. Finally, with probably cause, the DOJ got a search warrant to take back the documents at Merde-a-Lardo.
• President Biden said he was “surprised” he had the documents and returned them, while Pol POTUS to this day continues to lie that they are his property, and then weirdly Mango Mussolini also made up some bizarre nonsense that he could declassify documents in his mind, like Kreskin. Later he said he was clairvoyant, too, just to add a sprig of parsley on top.
• Fat Nixon had 184 classified documents (and probably more if only Ivana had not tripped the lite fantastic and taken the docs to the grave), while President Biden has a much smaller number. We still don’t know what us the total number of documents found in Biden’s home and office but it is probably less than 20.

And so we see that one of these things is not like the other!

Now, this is not to say that this story didn’t just enter the political, because lord love a duck, we’ve got Doocy!

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!!1!”

As we know before this news broke, Gym Jordan was gonna Benghazi the eff out of Handsome Joe and AG Merrick Garland for the subpoena to search Merde-a-Lardo (which they helpfully call a RAID!!1!), and so this will make things worse.

Human previously moving at the speed of sloth, AG Garland, leapt into action and immediately appointed a Special Counsel to investigate, someone by the name of Robert Hur, who is a former US attorney from Maryland, and I think I read he was appointed by Vulgarmort to be a US attorney, but I cannot figure out which open tab that was on.

We expect it will be the longest afternoon of Hur’s life to figure out if Team Biden committed a crime, you know, if you include waiting in line at the Starbucks and playing Wordl.

But we Libs are now totally and utterly pwned by Possum Hollar and should surrender to the BOTH SIDES narrative, but instead we know that the Both Sides here are 1) Hair Füror is really exposed with a real crime and B) the White House is not; and the third both sides iii) is that the political class is going to treat these two cases as exactly the same thing.