As foretold in prophecy dank and dark, Hair Füror officially announced that he is in the 2024 Goat Rodeo. He even filed the paperwork. And while he did not pay tourists to cheer him on as he descended a golden escalator, he did lock the doors of the ballroom so no one could escape their doom as he droned on for over an hour:
Daniel Dale must have been a terrible person in a previous lifetime as he is condemned in this one to fact-check the Biggest Loser.
ABC, NBC and CBS all decided to stick with previously scheduled entertainment programming, and on cable, MSNBC didn’t carry the announcement at all. CNN cut away after 25 minutes. Even Pravda’s American competition Fox jumped ship at 45 minutes. Even the First Shady, Vanky sent her regrets.
[Junior Mints, the First Suck-Up was stuck on a rock and was unable to get a flight to Florida.]
And President Handsome Joe Biden immediately released a video following the announcement:
Further Reading: Vanity Fair has re-released and updated their epic smack-down: TRUMP 2024: WHY THE EX-PRESIDENT SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED WITHIN 1,000 FEET OF THE WHITE HOUSE AGAIN
UPDATE 1: Hell done froze over – I like the way NPR framed this: