Dr. Oz, —the celebrity-doctor-slash-snake-oil-salesman from New Jersey— appears to be narrowly beating David McCormick —the former hedge fund executive from Connecticut— for the chance to be the Senator from Pennsylvania, and thus the odds of a recount look high given the state law that says that one must automatically occur if the margin of victory between the candidates is 0.5 points or less.

So of course, Hair Füror has a simpleton solution: just declare victory and be done with it!

This reminds me of when Chimpy McStagger declared himself the winner of the 2000 Goat Rodeo (and all the fun that has ensued since): If you don’t win, just steal it.