Open Mic Night at the Jr. Prom

“Take my wife, please” —The comedy stylings of the Junior Nerd Prom as told by DC Society Sheet, Tiger Beat on the Potomac’s email thingie:

INSIDE THE RETURN OF THE GRIDIRON — New Hampshire Republican Gov. CHRIS SUNUNU stole the show Saturday night at the annual Gridiron Club dinner by saying out loud what most Republicans in Washington *privately* whisper about DONALD TRUMP.

“You know, he’s probably going to be the next president,” Sununu said of Trump, musing about his “experience,” “passion,” “sense of integrity” and the “rationale” he brought to his tweets. As the room quieted to see where he was going with this, he paused, then yelled: “Nah, I’m just kidding! He’s FUCKING CRAZY!” The ballroom roared with laughter. “ARE YOU KIDDING?! Come on. You guys are buying that? I love it … He just stresses me out so much! … I’m going to deny I ever said it.”

It didn’t stop there: “The press often will ask me if I think Donald Trump is crazy. And I’ll say it this way: I don’t think he’s so crazy that you could put him in a mental institution. But I think if he were in one, he ain’t getting out!”

It was just the beginning of an evening full of laughs — and, at times, cringes — that had the more than 600 journalists and VIPs in attendance reaching for more wine. For several hours, it was like the pandemic never happened, as D.C.’s high society descended on the Renaissance Hotel downtown for the first Gridiron gathering in three years.

If you weren’t there, don’t worry, we pulled out the choicest tidbits …


— On VIRGINIA THOMAS’ now-infamous text messages to MARK MEADOWS: “We know she may be extreme, but let’s face it: when it comes to texting, she’s no ANTHONY WEINER. And you guys thought we forgot about that freakshow.”

— And TED CRUZ hanging out with the People’s Convoy: “Nobody really knows why [the Convoy protesters are] in Washington in the first place — which pretty much describes Ted himself, right? … What is with Ted? You see that beard? … He looks like MEL GIBSON after a DUI or something.”

— On Trump ally and MyPillow CEO MIKE LINDELL: “This guy’s head is stuffed with more crap than his pillows. And by the way, I was told not to say this, but I will: His stuff is crap. I mean, it’s absolute crap. You only find that kind of stuff in the Trump Hotel.

Sununu also told a story about a time Trump visited him in New Hampshire and invited him to ride inside the presidential limo, The Beast. The then-president suddenly stopped talking and pointed out the window at people lining the road holding American flags, saying, “They LOVE me!” Only problem, said Sununu, was that the man he pointed to held a sign that read, “FUCK TRUMP.”


— On CawthornGate: “I was especially stunned that MADISON CAWTHORN and MATT GAETZ weren’t here, because nobody loves a good party more than those guys do. And so, I called Madison up to say, ‘What’s up, dude?’ And it turns out, it was a simple scheduling conflict: The Republicans have their own formal black-tie and white-powder orgy taking place tonight in the Capitol.

“But then I thought, well, why was Sen. ROY BLUNT, who’s seated at table seven … not invited to this late-night meeting of the Sexual Freedom Caucus? I contacted the GOP Cocaine and Marijuana Study Group, and they explained it was all a BIG misunderstanding: They thought that ‘Roy Blunt’ was an alias for a local marijuana dealer, and they’re having a cocaine-themed event.”

— Nodding at the allegations against Matt Gaetz: “For those of us who are in Congress … we rent our tuxedos for the very infrequent parties and occasional orgies we get invited to. Look, it’s really tough to find a rental tuxedo this time of year: It’s high school prom season, and Matt Gaetz keeps getting the tuxedos that I want.”

— On AMY KLOBUCHAR, who was in attendance, and her reportedstaffing issues: “Speaking of silverware, tonight, I do have a tiny complaint: No one ever brought me a fork for my pasta. But it worked out OK, because the great Sen. Klobuchar was kind enough to let me use her comb, which she has taken out of the dishwasher earlier today.”

President JOE BIDEN didn’t attend the event, but did send a video, which was played at the top of the night, in which he jokingly thanked Sununu for “helping Democrats keep the Senate.”

— Explaining why he couldn’t make it: “I really wanted to be with you tonight, but the truth is I just couldn’t find a 7-hour-and-37-minutes gap in my schedule.”

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2 Responses to Open Mic Night at the Jr. Prom

  1. Czippie L'Shimpe says:

    “Ha ha ha! Our nation is falling to a band of thieves, and it’s fucking hilarious. I mean, we’re the people who could do something about that, but we won’t. Take my wife, please!”

    They missed their calling. Completely.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. MDavis says:

    “You know, he’s probably going to be the next president,” Sununu said of Trump,
    Yeah, that’s what I’m hearing from my fellow rubes. Mostly I don’t have time to discuss it because I’m, y’know, working and stuff. But there are still a couple people on our team that do more bs’ing than anything else. They got separated yesterday so that at least one of them would actually work (just speculating, here) but not before they were discussing the imminent presidential return of TFG.

    Liked by 1 person

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