Happy Hour News
Well, this is one of those moments where I gotta HEAVE:
Two Trump family members got “inappropriately – and perhaps dangerously – close” to agents protecting them while Donald Trump was president, according to a new book on the US Secret Service.
Who could it be? We know that Mel was shagging everyone with $20 Ameros and three legs; Junior Mints was shagging his emotional support cougar; we know Ivanka was busy making the Secret Service poop elsewhere (not slang); and Twizzler was busy with his fidget spinner (not slang, but probably should be)!
Who could it be?
In her new book, [Washington Post reporter Carol Leonnig] writes that Secret Service agents reported that Vanessa Trump, the wife of the president’s oldest son, Donald Trump Jr, “started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family”.
Not gonna lie: the overwhelming despair that Vanessa must have felt every morning opening her eyes and seeing Junior Mints lying next to her and realizing it wasn’t just a bad dream brought on by week-old fish at one of her father-in-law’s ptomaine poisoning palaces, you actually married the freak, well, I’d BREAK MY VOWS TOO!
OK, so who is the other Trump Crime Family Member getting his/her freak-on with the hired help?
Leonnig also writes that Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter with his second wife, Marla Maples, broke up with a boyfriend and “began spending an unusual amount of time alone with a Secret Service agent on her detail”.
Secret Service leaders, the book says, “became concerned at how close Tiffany appeared to be getting to the tall, dark and handsome agent”.
Lord love a duck. We almost forgot about her (just like her daddy has).
Both Tiffany Trump and the agent said nothing untoward was happening, Leonnig writes, and pointed out the nature of the agent’s job meant spending time alone with his charge. The agent was subsequently reassigned.
Dodged a bullet, that agent. Isn’t it bad enough that the Secret Service has to vow to take a bullet for these mooks, but they also have to play slap-and-tickle with them too? I’m saying they are owed HAZARD PAY and EARLY RETIREMENT!
So what other insights do we get from this book?
But she says the president did repeatedly seek to remove Secret Service staff he deemed to be overweight or too short for the job.
“I want these fat guys off my detail,” Trump is reported to have said, possibly confusing office-based personnel with active agents. “How are they going to protect me and my family if they can’t run down the street?”
Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, needs to give it a rest.