News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News

(“Before” File Photo From Rhinoplasty Today — just guessing, of course)

Well, this is one of those moments where I gotta HEAVE:

Trump family members got ‘inappropriately close’ to Secret Service agents, book claims

Two Trump family members got “inappropriately – and perhaps dangerously – close” to agents protecting them while Donald Trump was president, according to a new book on the US Secret Service.

Who could it be? We know that Mel was shagging everyone with $20 Ameros and three legs; Junior Mints was shagging his emotional support cougar; we know Ivanka was busy making the Secret Service poop elsewhere (not slang); and Twizzler was busy with his fidget spinner (not slang, but probably should be)!

Who could it be?

In her new book, [Washington Post reporter Carol Leonnig] writes that Secret Service agents reported that Vanessa Trump, the wife of the president’s oldest son, Donald Trump Jr, “started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family”.

Not gonna lie: the overwhelming despair that Vanessa must have felt every morning opening her eyes and seeing Junior Mints lying next to her and realizing it wasn’t just a bad dream brought on by week-old fish at one of her father-in-law’s ptomaine poisoning palaces, you actually married the freak, well, I’d BREAK MY VOWS TOO!

OK, so who is the other Trump Crime Family Member getting his/her freak-on with the hired help?

Leonnig also writes that Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter with his second wife, Marla Maples, broke up with a boyfriend and “began spending an unusual amount of time alone with a Secret Service agent on her detail”.

Secret Service leaders, the book says, “became concerned at how close Tiffany appeared to be getting to the tall, dark and handsome agent”.

Lord love a duck. We almost forgot about her (just like her daddy has).

Both Tiffany Trump and the agent said nothing untoward was happening, Leonnig writes, and pointed out the nature of the agent’s job meant spending time alone with his charge. The agent was subsequently reassigned.

Dodged a bullet, that agent. Isn’t it bad enough that the Secret Service has to vow to take a bullet for these mooks, but they also have to play slap-and-tickle with them too? I’m saying they are owed HAZARD PAY and EARLY RETIREMENT!

So what other insights do we get from this book?

But she says the president did repeatedly seek to remove Secret Service staff he deemed to be overweight or too short for the job.

“I want these fat guys off my detail,” Trump is reported to have said, possibly confusing office-based personnel with active agents. “How are they going to protect me and my family if they can’t run down the street?”

Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, needs to give it a rest.

This entry was posted in Junior Mints, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Tiff, Trump Crime Family, Twizzler Trump. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    I’m glad this tawdry reality show was canceled after four seasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That wedding picture, so help me, makes them look like the deeply inbred minor royalty to some long-ago-dissolved kingdom in Europe somewhere…Vaness looks like she really believes their stories about great family wealth and a castle somewhere in Eastphalia or something…she is literally the only one smiling. All thre trumpspawn have the family sneer plastered on their faces.

    And this is a picture that was, at some point chosen to be published.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tengrain says:

      I’m seriously not kidding about it being the Before Picture at a cut-rate rhinoplasty joint. All of’em, seriously all of them have had work done (and not good – The First Shady is reportedly unable to breath through her nose; and let’s not talk about Jr. Mints’ nostril).

      The article (I think it was this one) goes on to mention how Jr. got the engagement ring FOR FREE by telling the jeweler that the exposure would pay for it. These are terrible people.




      • Redhand says:

        So what other insights do we get from this book

        Can’t say cause I’m never gonna read it, but the eyes of the three Trump spawn range from malevolent (1st Shady) to vacuous (Jr. Mints) to cretinous (Erik, of course).

        A true Rogues Gallery.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Martin Pollard says:

    Surrounding himself only with thin, trim, and buff people will only make The Former Guy’s obvious obesity and unhealthiness stand out. He obviously has never heard one of the tenets of Rodney Dangerfield’s character from Back to School: “If you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people!”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Surrounding himself only with thin, trim, and buff people will only make The Former Guy’s obvious obesity and unhealthiness stand out.

      Not for the towering, all-consuming narcissist that TFG is. He probably looks in the mirror and sees that ridiculous ‘shop of his head on Rocky Balboa’s body. After all he “has the greatest genes” and all his doctors rave about “how healthy he is”…


  4. MDavis says:

    Is that Ivanka? Her “Hey, soldier” look is kind of creeping me out.


  5. Ten Bears says:

    Wait! That’s not photoshopped out of Ma n’ Pa Kettle? Appalachia in Oregon?


  6. artahzen says:

    Sweet Heysus Haich Crisco, those are the ugliest boys and the girls are damn grim too. Thank the FSM they are not part of my gene pool.


  7. Bruce388 says:

    Those Secret Service agents may get their early retirements as a result of the crotch rot they acquire from consorting with these creatures.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. MJG says:

    Is the bride a life size Barbie doll?? Just askin’
    ALSOTOO – The agents will need STD tests and treatment.


    • spotthedog says:

      She looks just a tad overinflated IMO, good thing Uday and Qusay have their pressure gauges handily pinned to their lapels.

      Liked by 1 person

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