News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News

H/T Scissorhead Dennis Cole

As everyone knows, when you want to beat a rap, you write an ope-ed for the 12 readers of  the MooneyTimes, er, in the Washington Examiner, which is exactly what Matt “I AM NOT A MONK” Gaetz did. And it includes the following mandatory, carefully parsed phraseology:

“Since I’m taking my turn under the gun, let me address the allegations against me directly. First, I have never, ever paid for sex. And second, I, as an adult man, have not slept with a 17-year-old.”

“She wasn’t 17 yet! Hiii-OOOOO!,” Gaetz didn’t bellow. “No one,” Gaetz did not add, “was sleeping, if you know what I mean, bruh! Beers at Squi’s house,” he did not yell at Kavanaugh, charging at him for a chest bump.

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7 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. Jimmy T says:

    Ok, somebody had to do it. The Funders Ladies and germs….

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Matt Gaetz: “I have never, ever paid for sex”*

    Also Matt Gaetz: ” I have definitely, in my single days, provided for women I’ve dated. You know, I’ve paid for flights, for hotel rooms. I’ve been, you know, generous as a partner”

    Also I propose that the image above be submitted for his official Congressional Portrait, and also his much shot for the Florida Department of Prisons.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Dennis Cole says:

      BDR – glad you liked the rendering I found, and guess what? It wasn’t the only one! I found a whole pantheon, a veritable panoply, almost a panorama of all the Most Notorious (at the moment, anyhoo,) Rethugs currently performing their clownish antics.

      If I wuz youze guys, I’d be begging the proprietor for another in the next few days, followed by another’n. Creepy as hell, which makes them even more adorbs.

      (My apologies to aforementioned proprietor, for releasing the feline from its burlap containment sack.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. osirisopto says:

    Y’know he should say it louder to make sure the people in the next room can hear it clearly.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    He’s not a monk, he’s a monkey… and he’s showing his ass.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ten Bears says:

    As he bellowed manishly-ly: (((I DID NOT PAY FOR SEX)))

    LOL ~ he paid for it …


  6. spotthedog says:

    Maybe not a monk, but maybe a monkey-man!


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