No One Cares About Your Package, Tucker (Eww, Gross!)

Well, here’s a headline that made me feel a little queasy:

UPS Finds Mystery Tucker Carlson Package

Many have looked, few have found it. But enough dick jokes! What the hell is it about?

A spokesman for UPS told The Daily Beast on Thursday that they had located a mysterious packaged that Fox News host Tucker Carlson suggested had been deliberately misplaced or intercepted because it contained “damning” materials on the Biden family. “After an extensive search, we have found the contents of the package and are arranging for its return,” the spokesman said. “UPS will always focus first on our customers, and will never stop working to solve issues and make things right.”

Scissorhead Roket gives us the back story:

Slate (it’s a fun read, thanks Roket):

Tucker Carlson Would Like to Tell You About the Time His Package Got Lost in the Mail

…Carlson, alarmed as always, recounts how he instructed his producer in New York to send said documents to Los Angeles, where he was interviewing a source, former Hunter Biden business associate Tony Bobulinski. The producer dutifully sent the documents on Monday via “a large national carrier, a brand-name company,” Carlson informed his 5 million nightly Fox News viewers in his ticktock account of the package-sending. But the documents never arrived! They spoke to the company, the host says. The company looked for the package, he assures viewers. A worker at a sorting facility had apparently noticed it had opened in transit and the contents were missing, flagging the issue at 3:44 a.m., Carlson adds with conspiratorial relish. The documents were missing! There’s an election next week; the hunt was on! The company double-checked with employees who had handled the item. They searched the sorting facility. But nothing! “They went far and beyond, but they found nothing. Those documents have vanished, ” Carlson said in his typically startled tone. “As of tonight, the company has no idea and no working theory even about what happened to this trove of materials.”

I can tell you why, Tucker: They don’t call it Big Brown for nothing. On the rare occasion that they actually even try to find my building, hysterically they leave those, “Sorry I missed you” stickers on the door telling me that I either 1) Don’t live there or B) the address doesn’t exist, both of which is hard to square with them leaving the sticker.


This entry was posted in 2020 Goat Rodeo, Fox News, Rat Bastards, Talentless Hacks, Tucker Carlson. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to No One Cares About Your Package, Tucker (Eww, Gross!)

  1. spotthedog says:

    They said they also have a package for a “B. Hume” from Vinyl Vixens.


  2. MDavis says:

    That tweet is marked with a “disinformation alert” by bot sentinel. Does anyone get that with just twitter?
    Oh, and now I don’t have to say it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. MDavis says:


    Liked by 2 people

  4. ming says:

    Tuckers package is so small that I can totally understand how nobody could find it.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oneofthebobs says:

    Tucker couldn’t find his package in a Zoom meeting!


  6. revzafod says:

    Right. Send your only copy by UPS before you make backups and email the backups first.

    But I gotta agree about UPS is the worst. Two out of many examples. I use injectible biologic medicine that I have to use once monthly, and I insist on FedEx shipping only. Lowest price every 28 days is about $2700 before insurance. It has to be refrigerated and is shipped with several ice-paks in a styrofoam box with 2″ walls.

    Before I insisted on FedEx, UPS screwed up twice:
    1] In August in Texas, it was delivered after 8PM.
    2] in late December, deliveries were behind, so it was delivered a day late.

    In both cases, the ice-paks had thawed, and the internal temperature was well above the allowed limit for safety.

    Since then, I avoid UPS when I can like the Plague, or maybe more like COVID, since I got Plague shots before I went to Vietnam in 1967.


  7. probably filled with soft-core movie, like he always rented in DC.


  8. Karla says:

    I’ve always thought that UPS was pronounced, “oops”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. donnah says:

    Tucker the Fucker knows that voters are choosing Biden and he, as a FOX puppet, had to stir up shit. So he probably put together a shoddy mishmash of crap and disinformation about Hunter that would just be enough to cast aspersions on him and his dad, Joe. But when he realized there was still time for the crap package could be easily debunked before the election, it had to “be lost”. And now it’s been “found”, but hey, shouldn’t FOX be more focused on other things?

    He should be charged with slander and go to prison.


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