News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News

Trump Changes Address?

Instead of Doom Scrolling, today’s happy hour news is from the always-delightful Vanity Fair:

WRITING THE FINALE: 21 FEVER-DREAM ENDINGS FOR THE TRUMP SHOW

For four years, together and alone, we’ve quietly authored our own endings to the Trumpian roller coaster, whether in a week or another 100 years. Here, in part one of two, writers, poets, and politicos—from Adam McKay to Alexander Chee to Eileen Myles—weigh in with ideas of their own.

And they’re off:

Tom Perrotta, novelist, author of The Leftovers, Election, and Mrs. Fletcher

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN—DAY

A helicopter waits on the lawn, its rotors turning lazily.

INT. OVAL OFFICE—CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON: A half-eaten cheeseburger on a presidential plate

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Trump sits at the big desk, a cloth napkin tucked into his shirt collar, while a Secret Service agent in a face mask waits in the doorway.

Trump takes a dainty bite of the burger, trying to make it last.

Trump: Did I ever tell you about my uncle who taught at MIT? Very smart guy. That’s how I know so much about viruses and whatnot. All the doctors were amazed, they said, Sir, how is it that you know so much about viruses and what—

Secret Service Agent: We really have to go.

Trump: Did you see that pitch Tony Fauci threw? Pathetic. Like a little girl. Nice guy, though. He said, Sir, you saved 2 million lives. Not even Abraham Lincoln did that. His words, not mine.

The Secret Service agent takes a couple of steps toward the desk.

Secret Service Agent: Come on. Everybody’s waiting.

Trump examines the burger. There’s not much left.

Trump: I’m still hungry. Order me another one.

Secret Service Agent: Kitchen’s closed.

Trump: It’s open 24 hours.

Secret Service Agent: Not anymore.

The Secret Service agent walks around the desk and begins extracting Trump from the chair.

Trump [rising reluctantly]: You ever see Fauci’s wife? What is she, a hundred years old? But he’s probably 200, so I guess he’s not complaining.

Secret Service Agent: Time to go, Sir.

Trump’s on his feet now. He gazes sadly at the stub of his burger. Just one bite left.
Trump: These used to be delicious, but now, I don’t know. It’s like I can’t even taste them.

He pops the last flavorless morsel into his mouth, chewing with a melancholy expression as the Secret Service agent guides him to the exit, and we…

FADE TO BLACK

Some are longer, some are shorter, I laughed out loud at a couple of them. Scaramucci’s in particular at just one paragraphs is a lesson in stripping a story down to its essence:

As the results come in on Election Night, it becomes clear that Vice President Biden has won in a landslide. Trump becomes overcome with fear about going to prison for his multitude of crimes. He tries to hide under the Resolute Desk, but he doesn’t fit. Thus, he retreats to the White House bunker, where he stays until Biden’s inauguration. When Trump refuses to leave the bunker, aides coax him out with a Big Mac® combo meal. With his personal plane repossessed by his creditors, he’s forced to take a Greyhound bus down to Mar-a-Lago. He lives out his days tweeting furiously between rounds of golf and bingo.

There’s 19 more. Have fun!

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1 Response to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. Oregon Beer Snob says:

    Fun, thanks! As a vaguely similar idea, I posted this over at LGM the other day:

    In the current imaginary future timeline I’ve been thinking about, Trump loses big in 6 days, creates his own new TV network (or merges with ONAN or whatever), washes off the stink of the terrible no-good Republican party that wasn’t sufficiently loyal to him to beat those stupid loser Democrats, creates his own new party with blackjack and hookers (and lots of cheesy merch), and cements that crazy 27% factor (or more) as his for the next 10+years (or however long he lives) until he can pass it on to his spawn.

    A guy can dream.

    Like

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