Liberty University Is Gonna Clean House from Tops to Bottoms

(H/T Scissorhead D-Cap)

Not since the Fourth Lateran Council has a religious organization taken such a deep, introspective gays, er, gaze:

Liberty University Board pledges full commitment to spiritual mission and launches independent investigation

Liberty University’s Executive Committee, acting on behalf of its Board of Trustees, issued the following statement today:

This past week challenged all of us to the core.

Hardcore. FIFY

While we had been willing to extend grace and understanding to Jerry Falwell, Jr. before, once the revelations about his past personal life came more fully to light, we acted swiftly and decisively to ask for his immediate resignation, which we received.

Was it the pool boy, the personal trainer, or other yet-to-be-named golden youth with thighs like pistons that can pump all night?

Some may say that all the signs were there for a long time before last week.

Dear Penthouse Forum…

It’s certainly fair to say that there were questionable comments made, worrying behavior, and inappropriate social media posts, but all the signs were not there until the start of last week. While we still didn’t know the full scope of the matter, we have learned enough about the past to know that we had no choice but to take the leadership of Liberty University in a new direction.

Naked pillow fights? Jello wrestling for Jeebus?

We are also committed to learning the consequences that have flowed from a lack of spiritual stewardship by our former president. One of the leading forensic firms in the world has been retained by Liberty University’s Board of Trustees to conduct a thorough investigation into all facets of Liberty University operations during Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s tenure as President, including but not limited to financial, real estate, and legal matters.

They hired Sherlock Holmes & Gardens.

Throughout these past few weeks, we knew we were being lifted in prayer by the entire Liberty University community. For this we are especially grateful, as we know it was by the Lord’s grace that we were able to put aside emotion and make the decisions that were necessary and essential for bringing calm to the storm.

Lord and our Legal Counsel, Amen.

We thank all those who extended prayerful support!

“Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:26b

“…and then the Lard said unto the Poolboy, ‘Hey Sailor, whatchoo you wearing?'”

Of course, moving forward, we are very mindful that we must seek leaders who demonstrate a full commitment to the spiritual mission of Liberty University by words, actions, and example.


That is why, in addition to starting a search for a new president, we are also reviewing options to establish a new role in the top leadership of the University for someone who will serve as a spiritual coach, mentor, and guide to help ensure that every member of the University leadership fulfills his or her spiritual responsibility to live out the Christian walk expected of each and every one of us at Liberty.

Hire Lindsey Graham next. Huckleberry Closetcase will have hot and cold running Power Tops, and everything will have a spit shine, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Cleaned from top to bottoms, and you needn’t worry about scarlet women again.

Lastly, we are charging Jerry Prevo to use the full range of his presidential authority to implement any changes necessary to improve the ongoing operations of the University, and to enrich the spiritual mission of Liberty University, not only for its students but also for every executive, administrator, faculty member, and the entire staff, and for a prospective new president, as well.

Enrichment, eh?

We ask for continued prayers as we all manage this transition and for a continued commitment by us all to fulfill our spiritual mission here at Liberty University today and always.

Our Mission: Don’t Get Caught Again.



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15 Responses to Liberty University Is Gonna Clean House from Tops to Bottoms

  1. Green Eagle says:

    I must say, that was an extraordinarily thorough and thoughtfelt fake resolution. Rarely do we see such effort and skill put into pretending to be sorry about being caught.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Dennis Cole says:

    What exactly IS this “Spiritual Mission” of which they speak, to which they refeer, er refer so frequently? Why, it’s at the very top of the website’s “What We Believe” page, and it’s every bit as ambiguous as you’d suspect.

    “Our Defining Values
    Since 1971, excellence, mentorship, commitment to a biblical worldview, service-mindedness, and responsible stewardship have defined who we are. And that’s how it’s going to stay.”

    So, excellence; I can’t see anyone having a problem with that, it’s certainly something to strive for, due to its unattainability, but bravo! Yes, let’s strive for excellence in ALL things!
    And Mentorship; it IS most certainly a University, it says so right there in the name, so let’s go ahead and accept that it’s an Institution for molding young minds, because if it’s one thing we can use more of, it’s moldy little xtian minds.
    A “biblical worldview?” Old T or the New one? Cuz if you’re teaching moldable young minds that smiting whole swarthy swarms of brown-skinned furriners who worship false gods is the Right way to go, then our Leaders of the Future are being produced for a place in the Pentagon, at least. Congress-critters is another fine position to strive for, and you’ll have plenty of support, when you graduate from LU.
    “Responsible Stewardship. Responsible Stewardship.” Does that mean that, if, in the midst of your Mentoring, a female student accidently becomes pregnant, you know how to sneak funds out of the Alumni donation box, to cover the cost of going out-of-state for a you-know-what? Clever lads!

    I hope this helps explain at least a few things you may have wondering about, or it maybe gave you new ones you never dared have before…


  3. laura says:

    If there was ever a reason to just quietly reimburse each scholar and their family and the shut’r down and unwind the business because the future is an endless lawsuit of scandal and hypocracy- skanky boy abuser Becky and peeky-Jerry jr are exhibitions A fucking-men!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Lastly, we are charging Jerry Prevo to use the full range of his presidential authority to implement any changes necessary to improve the ongoing operations of the University, and to enrich the spiritual mission of Liberty University

    Still relevant 46 years later…


  5. YellowDog says:

    There are no atheists in foxholes.


  6. Redhand says:

    Aw, what they now do they are compelled to do!

    Seti I:
    Let the name of Moses be stricken from every book and tablet. Stricken from every pylon and obelisk of Egypt. Let the name of Moses be unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of man, for all time.

    The immortal lines start at 6:20.

    Was it the pool boy, the personal trainer, or other yet-to-be-named golden youth with thighs like pistons that can pump all night?

    So, tengrain, duz yuz think he swings both ways?

    I know, I know, as “Accusator” Maius Nigidius states in The Trial of Titus Pullo:

    [Maius] To add insult to injury, this soldier,
    this brute, this barbarian from who knows where,
    refuses to name his paymaster !

    [The Crowd] Caesar! Caesar!

    [Maius] We name no names, citizens. We cannot know.
    We might guess.
    We might very well guess,
    but we cannot know.

    Which makes his crime even worse.
    Is there punishment enough for monsters such as this?
    I think not! I think not!
    But perhaps my learned friend
    can tell us otherwise.


  7. Ten Bears says:

    Sounds to me like a setup for a made for tee vee redemption story.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bruce388 says:

    I hereby nominate Jim Bakker. The sales of his potato slop can make tuition more affordable.


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