News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

“You assholes do know you’re not wearing gloves, right?”

Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear, Cindy Jacobs has heard from Dawg Almighty:

“After seeking wisdom and prophetic counsel from prophets across the nation and world, we believe strongly that since this is a worldwide issue, it’s going to take the whole Church to cry out together for the mercy and healing power of God to contain it.”

But wait! She has a plan!

Plans are now underway for leaders to stand united on March 3rd and petition the Sovereign Lord for His mercy.

Leaders are asking for the nationwide gathering to be this Tuesday. It will consist of fasting and prayer in order to stop the spread of the virus and heal the people affected by it.

No word on Mike Pence’s task force, but this sounds right up his alley (so to speak), or at least how he tried to cure HIV in Indiana.

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12 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. Perturbation says:

    Preparing to send my sacrifice of burnt pasta smoke up to the Lord right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Gonna go with Morrison, 1969

    🎵 There was a person there
    Who put forth the proposition
    That you can petition the Lord with prayer
    Petition the lord with prayer
    Petition the lord with prayer
    You cannot petition the lord with prayer! 🎶

    Liked by 2 people

  3. HarpoSnarx says:

    “Oh Lawd, will thou not smite the LIBRULS! and cascade PRESIDENT TRUMP! with your WHOLLY endowments.” [Bleech!]

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Chris Papalia says:

    I think Matthew 6:5 has all there really needs to be said on this matter.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dennis Cole says:

    Wait, tRump has gone and declared himself to be “The Sovereign Lord?”

    “Plans are now underway for leaders to stand united on March 3rd and petition the Sovereign Lord for His mercy.

    Well, all I gotta say is, “good fuckin’ luck with THAT prospect!” Because along with your petition you’re gonna need briefcases full of cash, loyalty oaths and NDAs, and a membership for the whole entire family at Merde-a-Lardo, and if you could slip in an op-ed on the FNYT that shouts out his wonderfulness to the world, you might get 5 minutes with Jr. or Jared.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. YellowDog says:

    The task force got an early start. Except for the guy with his elbow on the mantle. He seems to be praying for a quick death to end this charade.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. paul fredine says:

    could it be an attempt to discourage any evangelical liberals, should they exist (?), from leaving the house to vote for their candidate of choice on this super tuesday? i mean, isn’t prayer a much more patriotic duty than voting? i’m sure they’d say jesus said so in the constitution.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ten Bears says:

    I think that’s a great idea, put ’em all altogether in one place. Football stadium, like Katrina …


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