News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

When assrockets take flight!

Firefighter-prophet Mark Taylor is on to us, guys! Taylor has figured out that the storm in the Gulf of Mexico is actually a weather weapon wielded by The Illuminati to punish Sweet Baby Jeebus for denying Ba’al seconds on tasty, succulent babies:

“That’s the first thing that comes to mind  because when Roe v. Wade comes down, where is [the issue] going to go? It is going to go to the states. And you have states out there like Georgia—and there are a couple of others out there—that have gone as far as making this stuff illegal for abortion. You’ve got to remember, what is abortion? The sacrificing of kids. What does that sacrifice do? Abortion is the food source for Baal; Baal being the strongman over America. That’s what empowers Baal. You’re taking Baal’s food source and he’s not liking it, so this is retaliation from the enemy that I would say is from that heartbeat bill.”

The Hurricane, if it materializes will be Hurrican Barry, and you know, Know, KNOW that they will say that’s proof that Obama is doing it!!1!

This entry was posted in Conspiracy Theorists, Mark Taylor, The Illuminati are comin' to getcha, Theocrats. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. So it’s not Gawd sending the hurricanes to punish the wicked wicked hoors, it’s Baal, who is (checks notes) the Head god of the Canaanite Phoenicians.

    so let me see if i’ve got this straight: some other god is pissed because Georgia ain’t abortin’ the tasty, tasty babbys, so he’ll manifest himself as a violent storm to punish the righteous people of Georgia (and what the hell, the people of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida too, because Ba’al is just THAT kind of sloppy aim god) for doing the things his omnipotent and omniscient Gawd thinks are good…and his omnipotent and omniscient God is just letting Ba’al do this because…..????

    Yep you got this one categorized, right, TG! I need a drink!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Steve-O says:

    So these true christianists believe there is only one god, The Lord God Almighty…. and that other one over there named Ba’al. Who is also powerful.
    Wait, what?
    I’m waiting for them to invoke Ishtar if it fits their particular conspiracy of the month.

    Like

    • tengrain says:

      I never can figure out where Old Scratch fits in with these guys. I always thought that he was the Head Dude down dere, but maybe I’m wrong?

      Rgds,

      TG

      Like

  3. Bruce388 says:

    Chimpy was familiar with a “Gog” and a “Magog,” which I assume are deities mentioned in the Bible. Or, the possibility exists that Chimpy was still enjoying alcohol hallucinations.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. w3ski4me says:

    So let me “try” to get this straight. Hurricanes are “from God Punishing Wickedness” except when they are from the “other side Punishing a Lack of Wickedness”?
    “Clear as mud”.
    w3ski

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Diane says:

    I think I need drugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Taylor is one of our time’s great medieval thinkers, logic and proportion be damned.
    Tell me again how sheeps’ bladders can be used to prevent earthquakes.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. MDavis says:

    I haven’t seen “I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can” lately, but wasn’t this covered in the Valium withdrawal scene, where Barbara mapped “everything” out with triangles? She had it all figured out, too.

    Like

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