News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Jeebus weeps

Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear, self-proclaimed Prophet Cindy Jacobs turned the faltering stock market around! Let’s listen to her nasal bray, er story! (Don’t worry, I only clipped a minute!)

Go that? On Christmas Eve—a day that the market closes early—and was the worst trading day ever (according to Cindy), Cindy and Gawd had a little personal financial consulting and She told Cindy to turn that bitch around, so Cindy did her hoodoo and shook her JuJu stick or whatevs it is when Cindy Binds sumpin’ and then on the next trading day, KABLAAM! the stock market shot up to be still the worst December performance since the Great Depression. That’s some powerful spell you cast, Cindy!

And of course, this is another of Cindy’s unprovable, after-the-fact, non-miracles that she always takes credit for doing.

“Buy high Cindy,” Gawd didn’t say, “very high.”

This entry was posted in Cindy Jacobs, The Miracle of the Trump Economy, Theocrats. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. roket says:

    Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear has chosen her words poorly. “Bind” is not a word I would use when praying to any god. Unless, of course, it’s one of those FU prayers.


  2. Jim says:

    Didn’t listen because OMG why would I but liked your learned commentary, almost golf like.


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