News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

“If Frothy Santorum can do it, I can too!”

Linda Harvey poked her snout, tentatively out of her mud hut (having boycotted virtually every retail outlet in Possum Hollar, oh, how she endures!) and sniffed the air. Sensing something had changed, Harvey quickly pulled out her folders of sexual anarchists and started banging on her keyboard

“Should schoolchildren be required to endure explicit, politically motivated “inclusive” sex education lessons that endorse homosexual behavior?”

Do it for the children, Linds. (Emphasis mine: our new pal—the misreading of the Masterpiece Cakeshop decision— is already taking its toll)

“After the SCOTUS decision on the Masterpiece Cakeshop case, the answer should be a huge and emphatic NO. Christian parents need to tell their schools to stop compelling minor children to listen to anal and oral sex tutorials in schools, and stop restricting or stigmatizing an abstinence-until-marriage message.”

A) you didn’t read the decision, did you, and 2) show the class the anal and oral sex tutorials. We’re waiting. No reaching for your industrial-strength WaterPik, either.

“Christian beliefs about sexual morality, and, in fact, those of any sincerely held faith, must be respected. It’s time to end the hijacking of classrooms for homosexual and abortion propaganda.”

The only propaganda I see is yours, Linds. Anyway, it goes on (and on).

“Outraged parents have listened with horror at the end of the school day as their kids describe their involuntary indoctrination into homosexual propaganda; explicit condom demonstrations in middle school; pornographic role-playing exercises that assume all 13-year-olds are sexually active; and classes of students given directions to the nearest pharmacy where they can obtain condoms, or the nearest Planned Parenthood where they can obtain contraceptives and abortions without parental consent.”

I remember the explicit condom demonstration: they put it on a banana. I don’t recall what the banana had to do with making babies, but you know, I know how to put a condom on a banana, a skill that has served me well lo these many years… Your place or mine. “Oook.”

I’d love to know the kid who doesn’t know how to find the nearest drug store (or anything else) on their phone. I kinda-sorta think ol’ Linds is making this up. Anyway, Linds is whipping herself into a frenzy now as grammar and mis-placed modifiers fly off her twitching fingers (and I imagine she’s already thinking about that WaterPik):

“Most current “CSE”  [Ed. – Comprehensive sexuality education] lessons not only endorse same-sex “marriage” and anal sex (popular among homosexual males) but also gender confusion – and where this occurs in public schools, the administrators know full well how offensive this is to a fairly large segment of their school population.”

Oh! Oh! I know where it occurred in my high school! Under the bleachers! And at least once in the boiler room. But I’m only guessing, of course. (Whistles, looks up at ceiling)

“…Then, in Dripping Springs, Texas, the school board is considering the curriculum called “Big Decisions.” It has already been implemented in 23 Texas school districts.”

Dripping Springs?! Hubba-hubba!

“Here’s the kind of valuable information seventh and eighth graders learn from a “role-playing” lesson in “Big Decisions”:

Activity 9.2 – “Do you have a condom? … No, but this feels good … Let’s go to my bedroom.” (“Big Decisions,” p. 273)

“Really? Why?”

Really? I have to tell you why Linda?

Sexuality is part of the human condition, and knowledge is strength. Keeping information away from young people (from Dripping Springs or elsewhere) about how their bodies work is the fastest way to for them to figure it out on their own, or not figure it out at all, which is arguably worse.

No, Linda, what we need is less Old Testament and little more Enlightenment.


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15 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. Shorter Linda: “How are we gonna keep ’em young, ignorant, pregnant, and stuck here in Possum Hollar if we let them learn how to prevent it?”


  2. Ten Bears says:

    Seems that’s all these creatures ever thing about, oral and anal sex.

    Liked by 1 person

    • MDavis says:

      It is almost like they figured out how to contracept (is that a word?) without the baffling and fruitless search for condoms, what with no other contraception even being possible to conceive of.


  3. Jules MomCat says:

    What a dumb broad! I wouldn’t let her near my cats, much less, my kids, even if she paid me handsomely to make it happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sirius Lunacy says:

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Infidel753 says:

    That photo at the top suggests she’s thinking about something rather meatier than a WaterPik….. Seriously, what on Earth does the Masterpiece Cakeshop ruling have to do with sex education? It seems these people think the law has only two possible settings, “Help, help, we’re being repressed” and “Hooray, it’s open season on everybody we don’t like”.

    The basic premise of the wingnut phobia about sex education is that if nobody talks about sex, teenagers won’t do it. Because of course teenagers never think about sex unless an adult talks about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. w3ski4me says:

    Well said and a hearty Amen, Dr Grain.


  7. Pyed says:

    Way back in the benighted fifties neither schools nor adults mentioned sex, let alone educated me about it. I had to learn about sex the same way I learned about everything else that was neither school nor church sanctioned — at the library.

    So there I was, all scrooched up in a carrel at the back of the adult section of the library with a medical text and a dictionary. I was thirteen, and besides the unremittingly graphic descriptions and diagrams giving me the collywobbles, they were probably responsible for retarding my development four long years, until I was seventeen and everybody else I knew had already done it

    That’s the deadly duo for teenage sexual enlightenment I’ve found, prurient interest and social pressure. I just wished someone had given me an age-appropriate lecture.


  8. Redhand says:

    Sexuality is part of the human condition,

    and something that organized religion has done a remarkably shitty job “regulating” throughout history.

    I wonder what she means by “sincerely held faith,” BTW. Islam? Fundamental, plural Mormonism? Or is her brand of “Christianity” the only one possible?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dennis Cole says:

    “Ook ook!” as the University Librarian in Ankh-Morpork would exclaim.

    Liked by 1 person

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