When we last checked in with Dr. Harold Bornstein—who declared in writing in 2015 that Filet-o-Fish’s only known enthusiast, Candidate Stupid, would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
Bornstein said that his most famous patient, stable genius and genetically superior Comrade Trump takes Propecia to treat male-pattern baldness.
Scissorheads have long suspected that Comrade Trump affixes the pelts of animals Lenny and Squiggy shoot atop his head and attempts to pass them off as his own hair, so this was news that confirms our basest of suspicions.
Anyway, something about the interview clearly set off the Prznint, because shortly after Dr. Bornstein’s little chit-chat with the Times, this happened:
In February 2017, a top White House aide who was Trump’s longtime personal bodyguard, along with the top lawyer at the Trump Organization and a third man, showed up at the office of Trump’s New York doctor without notice and took all the president’s medical records.
The incident, which Dr. Harold Bornstein described as a “raid,” took place two days after Bornstein told a newspaper that he had prescribed a hair-growth medicine for the president for years.
According to Bornstein, Trump’s former bodyguard Keith Schiller directed Bornstein to take down a framed photo of him with Trump. Bornstein told NBC that he felt “raped, frightened, and sad” during and after the incident. The man clearly has deep feelings if losing a picture of the Orange Menace, thumbs erect and rictus grin should scar his psyche so. Buck-up, Doc. Into every life a little rain must fall.
When asked about the episode, White House Press Secretary Elmira Gantry Huckabee-Sanders said that taking medical records is “standard operating procedure for a new president” and that to describe it as a “raid” would be a mischaracterization.
“Those records were being transferred over to the White House Medical Unit, as requested,” Elmira said. She did not confirm nor deny that the files were seized in reaction to Bornstein telling the Times that the Preznint’s dome would be bald as an egg if not for Propecia. The Doc notes that Trump cut ties with him after the story was published. Odd, that.
Anyway, Bornstein can find some succor in that his precious records were turned over to Dr. Ronny Jackson, the former/current White House pill dispenser who withdrew his nomination for V.A. secretary. “This is like a celebration for me,” Bornstein said.
Bornstein also confesses that the fantastical assessment of the heath of the owner of Merde-a-Lardo That he released in 2015 actually was dictated by Comrade Stupid hisself:
“I didn’t write that letter,” Bornstein said. “I just made it up as I went along. That’s black humor, that letter. That’s my sense of humor. It’s like the movie Fargo: It takes the truth and moves it in a different direction.”
The Fargo Preznintcy has a nice ring to it.