News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Noted tsunami stopper and ant resurrectionist* Frank Amedia was on the Jim Bakker Potato Slop Hour with some of his irenic POTUS Shield brethrens and cisterns again, but alas, didn’t stop the weather nor raised any dead ants, but he does tell us about his latest work fighting witches and whatnot to defend the white devil in the White House!

And then they took action and cast out the witches and warlocks (as one does) that are holding back Comrade Trump From fulfilling their doomful prophecy!

Let’s listen!

“We lift up witches and warlocks who have been a part of this assignment,” Jackson said, “as they have gathered in numbers almost immeasurable to curse this specific president. We cancel, we bind their authority, we bind their curses, we lift up your word that says you shall not revile the gods and neither shall you bring a curse upon the rule of God’s people. We declare those assignments null and void and we claim the souls of many of the witches and warlocks.”

He left out the bit about the one Ring that will “ in the Dampness bind them,” or whatevs. But other than that, pretty good incantations what with the Chyron scrolling ads for  treif underneath.

H/t: Good friend and scissorhead Infidel753 who reminded me that I should have cross-referenced this.

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18 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. purplehead says:

    That “Tasty Pantry Deluxe Bucket” must be where they’ll pee and sh!t when Armageddon arrives. It’s got a 30-year shelf life. Mmmmmmm. Most tasty, indeed.


  2. C Montgomery Burns says:

    Oh my fecking bloody K-rist on the K-ross.
    374 Servings for a donation of only $175!!!
    And it last 30 years!?!?!
    Where have I been that I didn’t know about this shyte?!


  3. At least the Lord of the Rings or Star Wars geeks have some knowledge that their obsessions are fictional….


  4. Lsamsa says:

    Do these people go home afterwards & just laugh their asses off…seriously (hah!)
    An aside…anything in a ‘bucket’ is never ever going to come anywhere close to my mouth, don’t care if it’s the ‘deluxe’ version!


  5. roket says:

    They’ve cast out the witches and warlocks? Well, I guess that’s that then.


  6. E.A. Blair says:

    “We cancel, we bind their authority, we bind their curses, we lift up your word that says you shall not revile the gods and neither shall you bring a curse upon the rule of God’s people.”

    Except for the deity mentioned here, this is almost identical to what a practitioner of Wicca (i.e. A WITCH) would call a binding spell.

    Liked by 1 person

    • tengrain says:

      Mr. Blair,

      Incredible, huh?

      I know a few Wiccans (in the early days of MPS we had a fair number of followers of the Reed) and I would rather spend eternity with them than a weekend with the Evangelicals. Just sayin’.




    • mellowjohn says:

      And a Petrificus Totalus right back at ya, fellas!


  7. Sir Nigel says:

    HOLY shit.


  8. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    I’m more appalled by the ‘warfare bottles’. What the hell is that shit?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. MJG says:

    They’re praying for all the secrets to come out???? Good luck with that.


  10. Infidel753 says:

    I just watched the ant resurrection video at the newly added link.

    So God “hears the cry” of a mindless arthropod, but the millions upon millions of fully conscious, self-aware pigs, cows, chickens, and other such animals living lives of misery and pain in factory farms, doomed to horrible deaths — for them, God has no mercy to offer. To say nothing of hundreds of thousands of non-Christian humans killed by tsunamis in Indonesia or earthquakes in China.

    Their God moves in mysterious ways. He also sits on his ass and does nothing in mysterious ways.

    Liked by 2 people

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