News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

We all know that Alex Jones is pure, raw, animal sexxxy, right? So let’s listen in as he tells us about how as a 13-year old, the 17-year old head cheerleader and assorted vixens at his high school tried to seduce him and convert him to Satanism!

You, see, it so simple: Satan knew, Knew, KNEW interdimensionally that Alex Jones was going to be, um, Alex Jones in the future, but evil failed! It’s all so obvious now.

 

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15 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH [gaaaasp] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

    Dear Penthouse, I never believed this would happen to me….”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. nonnie9999 says:

    He watches wayyyyyy too many Lifetime movies while taking hallucinogens and jerking off.

    Like

    • Pyed Typer says:

      I like the specificity: “… Alex don’t be scared and seeing’ people put black hoods on — these weren’t KKK hoods these were black hood,” Like, no worries if they were KKK hoods, man! Even at 13, Alex knew the protocols for mixing with the KKK.

      Like

  3. YellowDog says:

    The man is raw, animal sexuality, with huge hands.

    Like

  4. ming says:

    You know that guy would be up for anything if he thought it would help him make it with a hot chick…or well … anything female for that matter. Livestock, domestic animals, just saying.

    Like

  5. Sirius Lunacy says:

    Fortunately his youth pastor was there to save the day and seduce him away from Satanism.

    Like

  6. DarkStar says:

    Where have I heard that before???
    “I do not avoid women, Mandrake…but I do deny them my essence.
    I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids”
    Commander Jack D. Ripper – Dr. Strangelove

    Like

  7. Pyed Typer says:

    So, to the globalists, and all the lawsuits and all of the death threats, the many guidance teachers, sincere Scout Leaders, aggravated beat cops and court-appointed psychiatrists, all of you people have failed, and I’m just as delusional now as when I thought rich older girls were after me when I was thirteen.

    Like

  8. roket says:

    I’m not so sure about that ‘evil failed’ part.

    Like

  9. Pat Day says:

    You must admit……He enjoys a VERY RICH FANTASY life!!!!!

    Like

  10. Pat Day says:

    He’s probably the only one in the world that was rebuffed by his Fleshlight!!!!

    Like

  11. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    “They knew interdimensionally…”

    Yeah, right, Al.

    Like

  12. Infidel753 says:

    What happened to his voice? I’ve seen videos of him before when he didn’t sound like that. All those years of shouting taking their toll?

    The part about the $100,000 Mercedes is credible, though. Satan would need to offer a payoff that big to persuade a cheerleader to go after Alex Jones.

    Like

  13. By seduce, he means introduce to personal hygiene, and by Satanism, he means regular batting with soap.

    Like

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