Goodbye, Billy Graham

If only the good die young, Billy Graham died too soon; he should have lived forever. After the bomb dropped it would be a world occupied by Billy Graham and cockroaches. Professional courtesy.

My only surprise when they dropped the old hater into the dirt is that the earth didn’t barf him back up with audible “Yuck!,” and all the creepy crawly things fleeing the hellmouth.

His casket was built by prison inmates seems somehow appropriate, especially as he was the first religious leader to lie in honor at the Capitol, and indeed he lied everywhere else he ever went.

Thousands lined up to see ol’ Billy in the rotunda, but no one reported the stench of garlic and the number of vials of holy water.

Why, yes, Mike Pence was at the funeral along with Mother Pence (Billy Graham is the evangelical leader who said that married men should not be alone with any woman other than their wives) and Prznint Stupid, and breaking all White House security protocols. Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

One assumes Pence planted a few termites on the box, with grim satisfaction, for good luck.

Cardinal Timothy Dolan attended (did Billy know that there was a popist at the funeral?) and  amazingly Dolan said of the ancient hater,

“He’s particularly refreshing today when religion is often abused and perverted for the cause of hatred and violence,” said Dolan, who attended the funeral. “He would always use it as an occasion of harmony, amity and respect.”

I guess Dolan forgot about how Billy Graham worked tirelessly against JFK because he was a Catholic. But rest assured Dolan, Billy Graham was an anti-semite: he declared that Jews had a stranglehold on the media, and said the religion was the synagogue of Satan.

Billy Graham hated everyone equally. We’ve already touched upon women, Catholics, and Jews. Who else did he hate? Take it away, Franklin:

His son Franklin said that Billy would be known for racial integration (which is an odd way of reminding us that he thought MLK had gone too far), and his fierce anti-communist activism (while advising Nixon how to maximize Vietnamese civilian casualties); he also said that his father drew attention to AIDS (though he neglected to mention that it was that Billy declared that it was God’s punishment for that lifestyle).

“If Graham were alive today, Franklin Graham said, he would be speaking out against same-sex marriage and would say that America’s gun issues are a problem of “the human heart.”

“Damn thing keeps beating,” Graham didn’t say.

So, Women, Catholics, Jews, Blacks, Asians, and Gays.

One can make the argument that American White evangelicalism as we understand it today—manipulative, grasping, grifting, political, and completely amoral—would not exist if Billy Graham did not exist. He was Elmer Gantry brought to life, and stranger than fiction:

“In an interview Thursday, Franklin Graham, 65, said that there are no plans to set up any new foundation or organization in honor of his father. He said leaders in the evangelistic association are considering turning his father’s home in Montreat, N.C., into a retreat center for business leaders.

You cannot make up crap like that.

And let us consider the soul he saved: Chimpy McStagger. ‘Nuff said.

No, a better funeral service would have been to plop the prison labor-made pine box into a circus cannon and shoot him into a landfill, preferable one already noted as a Superfund Site, while a televangelist 1-800 number flashed on the cannon smoke and the last we would ever hear from Billy would be the wet splat as his body landed and sank into the mire. That would be the fitting end.

So, tonight, Satan throws another log on the fire and welcomes home a favorite son. Perhaps Billy and Nixon can share an eternity as bunkmates.

My usual disclaimer applies: I never said anything nice about him while he was alive, and I see no need to change now.

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22 Responses to Goodbye, Billy Graham

  1. Feline Mama says:

    Satan sez,: ” I’m overloaded now. Jeez, I’ve been more busy in the last 10 yrs. than the past 100 yrs. I need a break! I might need to send some of these souls back to you Earthlings. I have been doing this a long time anyway. I hear Heaven has some vacancies.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. roket says:

    Billy Graham and Pope Benedict XVI can now argue for eternity over when to baptize the chillrin.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mcdee says:

    TG, the best obit yet on the old bastard,

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Osirisopto says:

    “If only the good die young, Billy Graham died too soon; he should have lived forever. After the bomb dropped it would be a world occupied by Billy Graham and cockroaches.”

    You repeate yourself, TG B

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Steve-O says:

    Well said, TG. Hypocrisy, thy name is religion. In this case, Billy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bruce388 says:

    Billy turning the family business over to his asshole son Franklin shows how sincere his “faith” was.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Barvo! Bravo! [stands and starts clapping, along with the rest of the audience] Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. donnah says:

    Tengrain, you said it all! Amen!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Redhand says:

    Tell us how you really feel, Tengrain.
    I never much cared for Billy myself, and was repulsed by all the White House Prayer Breakfast shit he was involved with. It always struck me as unseemly: “Here I am, Billy Graham, Preacher to the Presidents!” And from Nixon all the way down to Trump and Pence, none of the pols who attended them or eulogize him now gives a crap about real Christianity. American Evangelism is to Christ’s teachings as ISIS is to Islam. That demon seed Franklin talks about turning Dad’s home into a fucking “retreat center for business leaders” says it all.
    Speaking of Franklin, in many ways I feel he’s even worse than his father.
    And for my momey, the most despicable televangelist of all is Pat Robertson.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    Awesome obit, TG. The thing that struck me is how, with his influence, Billy Graham could have steered evangelicals away from hate and desire for temporal power. That he didn’t do so is all that anyone needs to know about him.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. laura says:

    Tax every church in America.
    Tax every single man of god and faith.
    Tax that fucking plane right out from under Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Pat Robertson, all the rest.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Buttemilk Sky says:

    Prof. Rick Roderick said of King and Graham (I’m paraphrasing), “Some lead their people out of bondage and some play golf with Pharaoh.”


  13. Ten Bears says:

    The False Prophet of The End Times, preparing the way for the Anti-Christ.

    Nobody said the Anti-Christ would be smart.


  14. ming says:

    I was wondering when you were going to get around to this subject. To paraphrase someone (Mark Twain?), I didn’t go to the funeral, but I approve of it.


    • tengrain says:

      Ming – I was doing my teeter-totter thing.

      I feel like silence gives approval. And then I add into the mix the usual amounts of hate mail and threats (which so far have never amounted to any action).

      And then I think about the manners of the whole thing: never speak ill of the dead.

      And then I remember that I never spoke well of the living Billy Graham.

      And then I clicked Publish.



      Liked by 2 people

  15. vonBeavis says:

    So Tengrain, I reckon you didn’t send flowers. How ’bout a stake and mallet?


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