If only the good die young, Billy Graham died too soon; he should have lived forever. After the bomb dropped it would be a world occupied by Billy Graham and cockroaches. Professional courtesy.
My only surprise when they dropped the old hater into the dirt is that the earth didn’t barf him back up with audible “Yuck!,” and all the creepy crawly things fleeing the hellmouth.
His casket was built by prison inmates seems somehow appropriate, especially as he was the first religious leader to lie in honor at the Capitol, and indeed he lied everywhere else he ever went.
Thousands lined up to see ol’ Billy in the rotunda, but no one reported the stench of garlic and the number of vials of holy water.
Why, yes, Mike Pence was at the funeral along with Mother Pence (Billy Graham is the evangelical leader who said that married men should not be alone with any woman other than their wives) and Prznint Stupid, and breaking all White House security protocols. Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
One assumes Pence planted a few termites on the box, with grim satisfaction, for good luck.
Cardinal Timothy Dolan attended (did Billy know that there was a popist at the funeral?) and amazingly Dolan said of the ancient hater,
“He’s particularly refreshing today when religion is often abused and perverted for the cause of hatred and violence,” said Dolan, who attended the funeral. “He would always use it as an occasion of harmony, amity and respect.”
I guess Dolan forgot about how Billy Graham worked tirelessly against JFK because he was a Catholic. But rest assured Dolan, Billy Graham was an anti-semite: he declared that Jews had a stranglehold on the media, and said the religion was the synagogue of Satan.
Billy Graham hated everyone equally. We’ve already touched upon women, Catholics, and Jews. Who else did he hate? Take it away, Franklin:
His son Franklin said that Billy would be known for racial integration (which is an odd way of reminding us that he thought MLK had gone too far), and his fierce anti-communist activism (while advising Nixon how to maximize Vietnamese civilian casualties); he also said that his father drew attention to AIDS (though he neglected to mention that it was that Billy declared that it was God’s punishment for that lifestyle).
“If Graham were alive today, Franklin Graham said, he would be speaking out against same-sex marriage and would say that America’s gun issues are a problem of “the human heart.”
“Damn thing keeps beating,” Graham didn’t say.
So, Women, Catholics, Jews, Blacks, Asians, and Gays.
One can make the argument that American White evangelicalism as we understand it today—manipulative, grasping, grifting, political, and completely amoral—would not exist if Billy Graham did not exist. He was Elmer Gantry brought to life, and stranger than fiction:
“In an interview Thursday, Franklin Graham, 65, said that there are no plans to set up any new foundation or organization in honor of his father. He said leaders in the evangelistic association are considering turning his father’s home in Montreat, N.C., into a retreat center for business leaders.“
You cannot make up crap like that.
And let us consider the soul he saved: Chimpy McStagger. ‘Nuff said.
No, a better funeral service would have been to plop the prison labor-made pine box into a circus cannon and shoot him into a landfill, preferable one already noted as a Superfund Site, while a televangelist 1-800 number flashed on the cannon smoke and the last we would ever hear from Billy would be the wet splat as his body landed and sank into the mire. That would be the fitting end.
So, tonight, Satan throws another log on the fire and welcomes home a favorite son. Perhaps Billy and Nixon can share an eternity as bunkmates.
My usual disclaimer applies: I never said anything nice about him while he was alive, and I see no need to change now.