50 Shades of Greitens

Meet the family values Republican governor of the Show-Me State, Eric Greitens.

Greitens, it seems, is enthusiastic about bondage and as a secondary hobby, blackmail as he is about family values. But who amongst us isn’t? Oh, wait. Anyway, click the link for details or continue on for the abridged version.

Gov. Greitens tied up the unnamed woman (and/or duct-taped her, hard to really tell), blindfolded her, and took pictures of her naked without her consent and threatened to post them to the Internet if she ever told anyone about their affair. And then of course, he had his way with her.

Nice guy, huh?

That may be what passes for family values in MO but I get the impression this dude’s M.O. (see what I did there?) isn’t acceptable in the BDSM community: non-consensual sex acts, threats and revenge porn. It’s supposed to be all about consent, agreed upon rules and respecting boundaries, and respecting your partner. BDSM readers, you can tell us if I got this right, but I think I did.

But here’s where it gets really kinky, Greitens and his wife issued a statement:

“A few years ago, before Eric was elected governor, there was a time when he was unfaithful in our marriage,” the statement said. “This was a deeply personal mistake. Eric took responsibility, and we dealt with this together honestly and privately. While we never would have wished for this pain in our marriage, or the pain that this has caused others, with God’s mercy Sheena has forgiven and we have emerged stronger. We understand that there will be some people who cannot forgive – but for those who can find it in your heart, Eric asks for your forgiveness, and we are grateful for your love, your compassion, and your prayers.”

The Governor has taken responsibility, his marriage is stronger than ever, and his Stockholm Syndrome wife has forgiven him, hell even Jeebus has forgiven him (and he knows sumpin’ about bondage against his will!)— and they want your forgiveness, too, you haters.

But wait, there’s more:

“Sheena Greitens released a separate statement of her own, saying she and her husband have a ‘loving marriage and an awesome family. Anything beyond that is between us and God. We want the media and those who wish to peddle gossip to stay away from me and my children.’”

They have a loving marriage, but too bad about that other woman’s marriage, which collapsed after Greitens’ husband tied the woman up and took her pictures and threatened her with revenge porn. But, you know, Mrs. Greitens and their kids are the real victims here, so respect their boundaries, you haters, tho no one respected the other woman’s boundaries.

But all is well! Greitens is gonna load up the ol’ automatic (it doesn’t shoot blanks, you know!) and defend Missouri from them evil libs that wanna have unmarried and/or gay sexxytime on the couch.

The End.

This entry was posted in Crazeee States, Family Values, Missouri. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to 50 Shades of Greitens

  1. Alabama: I know! We’ll nominate a child molester for Senate! Then NOBODY will out-Florida us ever again!”

    Missouri: “Hold our beers.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. teele says:

    If Sheena wants to cohabit with a scumbag, that is her right as an adult. But I don’t think she should subject children to this kind of environment. It would be great if the Missouri department of child welfare looked into the home situation.

    Like

    • C Montgomery Burns says:

      After spending time in Missouri one could come to the conclusion that the states DFS would take the kids from her and turn them over to her husband.

      Like

  3. roket says:

    Family Values republicans/conservatives are a hoot, except for the ones that actually rape people. To borrow a phrase from one of those et.al. conservatives; ‘Stop raping people!!!’

    Like

  4. moeman says:

    It could’ve been a, ahem, relationship with a young white teenage boy but it wasn’t.

    Like

  5. HarpoSnarx says:

    I expect his holier-than-thou congregation to exultantly welcome him to the altar Sunday.

    Like

  6. Bruce388 says:

    And Al Franken resigned.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Redhand says:

    Ah, what about the blackmail, Sheena?

    Like

  8. Randall says:

    “Anything beyond that is between us and God.”
    But that only works for heterosexuals?

    Like

  9. COndi says:

    Between Brownbackistan to our west, and Greitens down in Jeff City — or some Motel 6 — most of us here in the Midwest are keeping our heads down.

    That is unless we’re sure we’ve got a clean field of fire…

    Like

  10. Pingback: Gov. of Show-Me State Wanted To Literally Show Us | Mock Paper Scissors

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