Civil War between White Nationalists and the Rest of Us: A Survivor and Thriver Guide

white nationalists

We’ve received hundreds of questions from readers, such as, “if a race war erupts, should I find a spray tan salon that offers the color white?” “I have a large nose, should I get a nose job?” “What kind of snacks should I bring to a race war, Cheetos, Bugles or Fritos, or something else?” “Will there be down time during the war? If so, will Netflix still be available?”

Not only do we understand, we share our readers concerns. White supremacists, Neo-Nazi’s and White Nationalists can be quite persnickety when it comes to color and facial features. Based on their ability to make assumptions and shoot first, it’s important to figure out how to fight, survive, and of course, thrive.

What to Wear to a War:

dress for success

Ivanka Trump’s clothing line might be a great place to start. Who wouldn’t want to wear velvet loafers with cascading faux diamonds to a fight?!

Let’s remove military attire from the equation. These white nationalists pride themselves on wearing militia and combat clothing. While it might seem that blending in is the most logical, we’re thrivers, we must dress to impress. For many of us, this is our first war. Speaking for myself, if I go down, nobody will cremate me (my wish) they’ll probably haul my fat ass onto a John Deere tractor and toss me into the nearest stretch of water.

Choose cotton clothing, a durable fabric that lets you breathe. Linen wrinkles too easily, and wool is too hot and restrictive. Select a comfortable outfit that you can move easily in. Don’t wear clothes that are restrictive, tight, or form fitting, as this will hinder your ability to run and fight. As for colors, visit Color Castor. Often, we overlook undertones. This nifty guide will address your concerns.

Q and A:

  • How many outfits should I bring to a war? Pick separates that you can pair nicely, and accessories for up to 5 looks. Accessories should be simple and understated. Pack a slew of underwear and socks. Don’t forget a sweater and a jacket.
  • Will stores be open in case I run out of clothes? For looting, yes. Loot fast before everyone gets all the good stuff. Always check the stockroom.
  • Will I be able to run home for more clothes? That really depends on whether you’re residence has been overtaken by Nazi’s, blown up, or if you have time to get back there. You might be on the run.
  • How long will the war last? Oh, my darlings, it’s only just beginning. Be patient.
  • What kind of bag should I carry? Rucksacks are cliché. Go with a large messenger bag or oversized postal bag. If you must carry a backpack, at least choose something from Tumi; stylish, yet sturdy and functional.

 Weaponry:

weaponry

Growing up, for self-defense, we used baseball bats. That’s how we rolled in New York. For the purpose of this article, baseball bats are useful for cracking skulls open and breaking knee caps. If you own large vibrators or dildos, those make outstanding weapons, too. Think about what you have on hand that can be used as a weapon. Blend spices, such as chili powder and smoked paprika in a bottle with some water to use as mace. Bullhorns in a can are mighty loud, and if pressed against someone’s ear for a longtime could be deafening. If you’re clumsy like I am, I don’t recommend knives.

Q and A:

  • Do I have to use a gun? Absolutely not. Pull apart a crib and whittle the legs into spears. Stick a packet of glass bulbs into your bag and throw them at people. Coffee stays really hot in a thermos, so does wax. Imagine pouring that over someone’s face. They’ll be toast.
  • How can I use technology to disarm an attacker? Take a picture of their face and do a quick Google Image Search. You’ll probably find their social media. Be sure to record everything so you can post it on their social networks. Use the hashtags, #BeingAttackedByNazis #CouldReallyFuckingUseSomeHelp, Public shaming upsets white supremacists a lot. Use that to your advantage.

To end our first installation of our Survivor and Thriver Guide in a war against white supremacists, we wanted to answer a few specific questions that we received.

portapotties.jpg

  • Will there be Port-a-Potties? We don’t think so. Bring large rolls of Scott Tissue for easy wiping and a few baby wipes for good measure.
  • What if I get a bladder infection? Loot a pharmacy!
  • Will I be able to shower? Your best bet for showering would be a vacant hotel. Make sure you break into a room that’s high up, and in a corner for safety purposes.
  • Will a grocery store be open or restaurants? Obviously you’ll have to steal from grocery stores. Restaurants probably won’t be open for service. Check out self-service places and cafes.
  • What about coffee? I need morning coffee. The only coffee we expect to be served anywhere is white coffee. We don’t believe non-whites will have access. If only white nationalists were rational, right? Oy.

Please feel free to add your ideas in the comments section.

Thanks for reading,

Team MPS

This entry was posted in Nazis, snark and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Civil War between White Nationalists and the Rest of Us: A Survivor and Thriver Guide

  1. JTO says:

    There are training films available to illustrate strategies to survive, to fight and to thrive, to wit:
    Mel Brook’s classic “Blazing Saddles” shows us how to take the fight to organized fascists (Raid on Rock Ridge check-in). An under-appreciated tactic is chewing gum on line. Candy, mints or killer guac and home-made chips from the taqueria around the corner would be effective substitutes.

    “But most of the people are just run-of-the-mill racists, bigots and other assholes,” you say. Brooks also illustrates how to stride the path to victory against ‘the common clay of the new west, you know, morons’ through the minority characters in major roles: Sheriff Bart and the Waco Kid in many different and real-life situations.

    Useful study aids, group discussion topics and DIY activities are available at your local library.

    When being a step, or two, ahead is not an option, and fighting has to happen, another useful yet woefully underappreciated training video is “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.” Here, the heroes are set upon by upper-class scions (would-be nazis because they hate just right and dress well), and are able to use both their wits, surroundings and available ad hoc weapons to survive. Unlike Blazing Saddles, which is from another era, Tucker and Dale addresses the reality where the authorities can not, or will not, come to you aid.

    Stay safe, people. Stay sane. Laugh at the nazis. (they hate that.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. tengrain says:

    Katie –

    You SLAY me, girl! Thank you so much!

    Rgds,

    TG

    Liked by 1 person

  3. moeman says:

    Take no prisoners!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    Remember that alt-righties love anime porn even more than they love the white race. Place anime porn DVDs in strategic areas, then put Jergens bottles filled with superglue next to the DVDs. Pretty soon, none of the anime nazis will be able to shoot due to the resulting sticky situation.

    Liked by 1 person

Speak!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s