Do It For The Children, Demand the Baptists

Do it for the children

When I saw tweets yesterday flickering across my timeline about something called the Nashville Statement (with links to behind the paywall at the NYTimes), my first thought was that it must have something to do with Robert Altman’s masterpiece. And then I realized it probably was the Baptists getting their hate on. I didn’t go looking for it, but then it found me.

The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Coalition for Biblical Sexuality—which is quite a mouthful for a group that opposes oral sex—doesn’t want anyone to get their freak on outside of marriage between one man and one woman. So they say no to:

  • premarital sex
  • gay sex (either inside of marriage or outside of it)
  • same-sex marriage
  • the rights of—and existences of —trans people

Why do they care, you ask? They care because they don’t want anyone “adopting a homosexual or transgender self-conception” because that that ain’t “consistent with God’s holy purposes in creation and redemption.”

In other words, they know what Dawg Almighty wants. Odd, that.

The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Coalition for Biblical Sexuality also wants you to know that God didn’t “design marriage” to be polygamous or polyamorous, which would be big news to a lot of the marquis names in their Bible. I seem to recall Solomon having enough wives to field a team (actually an entire league: I just checked, he had 300). The books of Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy, all of which have nice things to say about polygamy and which includes polygamous best practices. Hubba-hubba! Learning is fun!

Guess they didn’t study that part of their inerrant word of Gawd. Maybe they might want to read their favorite book sometime? And maybe actually read some of the stuff that long-haired hippie Jeebus actually said. You know, like the Beatitudes.

And you’ll shocked to learn buried deep within the Nashville Statement: homosexuals are invited to “walk in purity” with Jesus Christ, which is a step forward because usually Y’all Qaeda is pushing for conversion therapy. So, you know, instead attaching electrodes to Junior’s balls to electrocute him as they play gay porn into his GoogleGlasses (we can only guess that they know where to find some), you can just tell him that Jeebus loves him and wants him to die alone and unloved, never knowing romance, intimacy, or having a wedding (let alone a wedding cake). Same goes for you, Muffy.

And so, you ask, who are these nimrods who think more about sweaty man-on-man actions with thighs like pistons that can run all night?

Here’s some of the boys (and they are mostly boys) who brought you this important document, but the list appears to be growing: Tony Perkins (Family Research Council SPLC-designated hate group), James Dobson (Focus on the Family) and the list goes on and on.

Oh, for shits and giggles we note that our ol’ pal  E-Squared and David French from from Bill Buckley’s White Power pamphlet, The National Review are both signatories. Because you don’t get to heaven if you ever touched your weener.


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15 Responses to Do It For The Children, Demand the Baptists

  1. quakerinabasement says:

    Jesus TRIED to simplify it for idiots: Just be good to your neighbors–all of ’em–and you’re covered on the really important stuff.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. inconstantreader says:

    As a Jew, AFAIK Jesus had two commandments: Love God with all your soul, heart, and might; and love your neighbor as yourself. And I’ve also noticed that these “pro-life” people don’t care about, say, poisoning children in Flint. They’re obsessed with sex.

    Liked by 2 people

    • tengrain says:

      Inconstantreader –
      It’s like that old adage:
      Those who can, do, …and those who cannot? Well, they try to prevent those who can!



      Liked by 1 person

  3. osirisopto says:

    It’s not touching your own weiner they mind. It’s the idea of touching the other guys that gets them all hot and bothered.


  4. Bruce388 says:

    “Because you don’t get to heaven if you ever touched your weener.”

    WAIT! I can explain! I was cleaning it and it went off! Several times a week. After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness.


  5. Sirius Lunacy says:

    I didn’t realize that it took a whole coalition in order to have biblical sex. Who knew?


  6. RWW says:

    Whatever sexual act that made Sarah Suckabee Saddlebags’ eyes look like that must be outlawed too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Infidel753 says:

    In other words, “You can’t do that because my imaginary friend doesn’t like it.”

    Not a really persuasive argument for the rest of us.

    Liked by 1 person

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