If SNL Was On Last Night…

Cold Open:
Preznint Stupid’s suite at the golf course, opulent everything. All artwork is of him, grinning with at least one thumb upward. Toilet Flushing sound as Comrade Stupid enters room wearing gaudy silk onesie with presidential seal embroidered on it, fastens the trap door seat. With a flourish he triumphantly clicks something on his phone. The Twitter sound plays.]

[Flashes across screen]

Trump: And Bannon said I couldn’t preznint without him! Official statement from the White House. I win again!

[Door flings open to reveal Chief of Staff John Kelly in standard issue Marine Corps white bathrobe shaving cream on half of face.]

Kelly: Where’d you get that phone?! I had the Secret Service sweep the entire club and golf course!

Trump [Looking like a guilty kid]: A gorilla climbed in through the window with it, I swear!

[Enter Hope Hicks, newly installed Communications Director. She’s also made a dash for the President’s suite, toothpaste still foaming in her mouth, brush in hand. She tries to speak but can’t because of toothpaste. Both men turn and stare.]

Hicks: Blurb, blurb, blurb.

[She reaches for a waste basket that has presidential seal on one side and a portrait of Trump on the other. Spits in it.]

Hicks: You told me you had the Secret Service sweep the grounds!

Kelly: I did!

Trump: It was the gorilla, I swear!

Hicks: We’ve been over this before! There is no gorilla! [Takes the phone away from Trump.]

Trump [pouting]: Is too.

Kelly: This is defcon 1. What do we do?

Hicks: Gimme a moment. [Taps her lips with the toothbrush, foam hits Kelly, they give each other dirty looks accusing looks.]

[Twitter noise again. Flashes across screen:]

Kelly and Hicks: Gah!

Trump: Fixed it!

Kelly: You have another phone!?

[Hicks gives Kelly the look of death. He shrinks back.]

Trump: The gorilla brought me two. He said you’d do this.

Kelly and Hicks: Gimme that thing. [Lunges at Trump, who runs around desk who is doing some sort of catch me if you can schtick. Finally catch him and takes the phone away. Hicks begins furiously thumb-typing and the familliar Twitter noise ensues.]

[Flashes across screen]

[Kelly has the other phone and is much slower but clearly typing one-fingered. Twitter sound.]

[Flashes across screen]

[Kelly and Hicks each pocket a phone in their robes. Hi-5 each other, miss schtick ensues, finally give up.]

Kelly: What did we tell you about Twittering without us?

Trump [looking at his feet, mumbles]: I shouldn’t.

Hicks: What did you do?

Trump [Still looking at his feet]: I twittered.

Kelly: Are you going to do it again?

Trump: No!

Hicks: You swear?

Trump: Yes! Can I watch cartoons now?

Hicks [motherly]: OK, but don’t do it again!

Trump: I won’t, and besides you have the phones!

[Hicks and Kelly both laugh like the end of a Beaver Cleaver scene and exit the room. Trump turns on the TV and we hear some typical Warner Brothers sound effects. He sits close to the TV like a little kid on the floor, plays with a toy.]

[Enters a gorilla through the window, hands Trump a new phone. Trump gets all excited and begins furiously typing. The Gorilla starts to exit and takes off the head to reveal it is Steve Bannon.]

Bannon: Live From New York!…


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8 Responses to If SNL Was On Last Night…

  1. owlbutts says:

    brave-o! Encor-ee!


  2. You’ve distilled our polity to its inebriated essence


  3. Mr DeBakey says:

    “Looks like many anti-police agitators in Boston. Police are looking tough and smart! Thank you.”

    Thank-YOU Mr So-Called President.


  4. moeman says:

    Hope this is a recurring thing!


  5. Jim says:

    Love it; script writing is your thing!


  6. Bruce388 says:

    When we see this on SNL we’ll know who deserves the credit.


Comments are closed.