Should America be attacked by a nuclear bomb from North Korea, I think it’s a good idea to familiarize ourselves with some do’s and don’ts if we survive. None of us want to make any faux pas. I’ve also thrown in some post-war perks and neat ideas.
THE BOMB STRIKES
Fashion: From a safe distance, be sure to notice the bomb’s spectacular explosion of color and clouds. Burgeoning fashion designers can get some real inspiration here, and perhaps a new design aesthetic altogether. Thanks to contaminated food, survivor’s weight loss will make us eligible to slide into designer’s Size-00 couture garments. We might all become super models without trying. How miraculous is that?! We’ll be gaunt, boney and grey without that nasty pre-war vomiting.
CEO Fantasy: Let’s say you’ve always dreamed of being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Guess what, now you can be! Simply choose the decimated building of the company you’ve dreamed of working for and claim the CEO’s office. All the corpses left behind will make wonderful employees. Nobody will pester you for a promotion. Lunch hours, pesky requests for vacation and personal time won’t be an issue. They’ll never say no to your requests, and best of all, they’ll already be dressed professionally.
The Art of the Steal: In a post-war USA, survivors can steal, free from the threat of being incarcerated. Thing big: banks (one day, we’ll need money again, so let’s stockpile that shit). Art from museums and sculptures, if any brawny folks are left behind. Cars, vintage to modern luxury vehicles will be ours for the taking. We might not have any gasoline left, but we’ll have enviable automobiles and several to choose from. Sure, our dream road trip might have to be shortened to a day instead of two-weeks, but we can take it in a Maybach. WOWSERS.
AVOID FAUX PAS
Post-War Etiquette: Things we avoided pre-war, we need to remember post-war. Refrain from telling passersby they look sickly or tired. This should be easy because most, if not all survivors will look like the walking dead.
It’s not Christmas: If you see a fellow survivor stuffing their bag with a shelf full of canned goods that you wanted, too, don’t rip them from their clutches. Rather, ask politely if they can spare a can of Spam. If they say no, ask yourself if they look sicker and deathier than you. If they do, kill them and take all the cans. If not, you must hobble away graciously.
House Shopping: When looking for houses, just because we’ve always had our eyes on that one home that was never for sale pre-war, doesn’t mean we’re entitled to it. Take a peek inside to find out if there are any occupants. If nobody is there, claim it as your new home. Using a piece of cardboard and a thick black marker, and hopefully some tape, glue a sign to the front door of the home that says, “OCCUPIED.” If the home is taken, which would be unfortunate, find a home in close proximity and keep a watchful eye on it. Rest assured, the residents will die, and much sooner than later. When that day arrives, if you still have a pulse, grab that house!
POST WAR PERKS
Post-War Personal Appearance: If you wore make-up, stop. Never will I have to wear a bra again. I can let the twins hang to my waist outdoors, and so can you! Mill about in comfy clothes. Raid stores that carry clothes you enjoy and shoes you like. I recommend boots. Uggs are great. Maybe something combat-ish, too. Peeing on streets. Free vintage diamonds (challah). Everything is for the taking. Remember what Sesame Street said, “You’re only limited by your imagination.”
No More Trump: I rest my case.
If you’d like to add to this post-war list, please leave a comment. We look forward to your brilliant tips and tricks.