News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Jeebus weeps

The Prophet Johnny Enlow heard from Gawd (again):

Last night I was awakened with an intense and fiery word from the Lord that I will attempt to convey. This is what I heard:

FART!

“Jesus was the last man that had the character in place to actually sustain the call upon His life. Since then no one has had the character-base necessary for the great assignments that I have given out. Do not wrongly assume that I only call those who are qualified. I, instead, continually work to qualify the called, but I have amazing patience for that process. Yes, I am actively at work in upgrading My Trump card’s character even through the fire he is going through…”

Dude, isn’t it bad form to be putting words into Dawg’s mouth? Also/too: Gawd makes puns? It continues:

“I chose Trump for purposes you must yet be patient to watch for.

[Ed: Gawd has a problem with prepositions?]

The hordes of hell in media have rallied in mass under Leviathan, but I will crush them under the forces that I have released under My trusted archangel Gabriel. He will be instrumental in devastating media outlets that do not position themselves as lovers of truth and goodness. There will be in-house fires that will not be able to be put out in some major media outlets. There will be the hanging by the very noose they have created for others.

Gawd hate the media, just like Republicans. Weird, huh?

“I have chosen Trump and his unique skill set to repair your national economy and to, by extension, repair the economy of the nations. It is not a smooth uncomplicated process, but it is a process I will help him with.

[Prepositions again…]

Anyway it goes on and on and on. The Prophet Johnny Enlow never heard that brevity is the art of wit.

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17 Responses to News That Will Drive You To Drink

  1. mellowjohn says:

    “Gawd has a problem with prepositions?”
    probably translated from Aramaic.

    Like

  2. Gawd is calling for the lynching of journalists and pundits? Can we start with Hannity?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What is always odd, of course, is that the Voice of Gawd sounds an awful lot like Johnny Enlow. Also, they agree on EVERYTHING. Except, of course, the things written in the Bibble, which are FAKE NEWS!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pupienus Maximus says:

      “You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” – Anne Lamott

      Like

  4. Ellis Weiner says:

    God uses the phrase “skill set”? He’s hep!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jim says:

    This sounds like a sales marketing presentation to me. Not sure what Dawg/Gawd is going after. Brevity is also the genius to marketing too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. HarpoSnarx says:

    “devastating media outlets that do not position themselves as lovers of truth and goodness.”
    Saint Gabe has a hoteling cube at a certain cretinous outlet on the Avenue of the Americas.

    Like

  7. c u n d gulad says:

    The wit he has, is limited to the following:
    Nit/half/dim/fuck-wit!

    You can pick any one you like, because they all fit him!

    Like

  8. roket says:

    I would recommend that they not be too patient since I’m pretty sure he’s about to blow. One way or the other.

    Like

  9. osirisopto says:

    Trump is just like Jesus?

    Like

  10. like todd rundgren said in the song “shinola”

    Everyone’s talking, few of them know
    The rest are pretending, they put on a show
    And if there’s a message I guess this is it
    Truth isn’t easy, the easy part’s shit

    Like

  11. Infidel753 says:

    There will be in-house fires that will not be able to be put out in some major media outlets. There will be the hanging by the very noose they have created for others.

    Sounds like he’s talking about all the sexual-harassment stuff engulfing Fox.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jeez by the end there I expected him to start quoting Ezekiel 25:17 directly.

    Like

  13. Pupienus Maximus says:

    The hordes of hell in media have rallied in mass under Leviathan,

    Hard to have a mass when you’re in scuba gear. Or maybe they held the mass in a benthic vehicle – but they are too small and too few to accommodate more than a couple of the hordes of hell.

    Gotta say, either that Gawd fellow is full of shit or – and this is far and away the logical conclusion – Johnny is projecting to make IMAX weep in shame.

    Liked by 1 person

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