Ted Cruz, Dildo Hunter

It's a turd, er, bird! It's a plane....

It’s a turd, er, bird! It’s a plane….

Sweet mother of Jackhammer Jesus: Ted Cruz tried to ban dildos from Texas.

As I tweeted earlier, you’d think that there would be some sort of professional courtesy here, but as Texas’ Solicitor General, he tried to defend the law in Texas that those delicate blossoms of femininity (and their brothers? Yes.) couldn’t get their hands on a dildo. Or any other bits for that matter.

“The filing noted, “The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices” but does not “forbid the private use of such devices.” The plaintiffs had argued that this case was similar to Lawrence v. Texas, the landmark 2003 Supreme Court decision that struck down Texas’ law against sodomy. But Cruz’s office countered that Lawrence “focused on interpersonal relationships and the privacy of the home” and that the law being challenged did not block the “private use of obscene devices.” Cruz’s legal team asserted that “obscene devices do not implicate any liberty interest.” And its brief added that “any alleged right associated with obscene devices” is not “deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and traditions.” In other words, Texans were free to use sex toys at home, but they did not have the right to buy them.

“Cruz’s office declared, “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

Ted, Heidi would like a word with you and your (alleged) five different mistresses…

I apologize for making you think about Ted Cruz and sex, and I apologize to dildos everywhere for the unfair slandering of their good name with a comparison to Ayatollah Ted.

(The Scissorheads are on fire, these are some of the best comments on the web!)

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20 Responses to Ted Cruz, Dildo Hunter

  1. moeman says:

    Ted is aka Fleshblight.

    Like

  2. M. Bouffant says:

    “Obscene device” seems a more fitting description for the gunz Lyin’ Raffi fetishizes. You better have a helluva palate cleanser for this.

    Like

  3. McDee says:

    Fits right in with the 2 basic tenets of Fundamentalist Christianity: 1) Jesus loves you and if you don’t accept that simple fact you’ll burn in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity and 2) Sex is filthy, nasty and disgusting. Be sure to save it for the one you marry.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    Dildo Against Dildos
    Wanker Against Wanking

    Now I have to look for a photoshop of Charlton Heston holding aloft a dildo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. DarkStar says:

    Ah yes, the standard “small government” republican stance.
    Hey Ted, keep your gubmit hands off our dildo’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bruce388 says:

    If obscene devices are forbidden, how is Rafael allowed to show his face?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Constitution, I believe “the pursuit of happiness” is mentioned, case closed.

    Like

  8. C Montgomery Burns says:

    “…to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to…”

    What kind of doctor was he going to?

    Like

  9. RWW says:

    I bet Cruz wouldn’t have a problem with guns being used in place of dildoes. Y’know, Second Amendment and freedumb.

    Like

  10. roket says:

    So much for supporting small business, also too.

    Like

  11. purplehead says:

    This… Damn. Oh how I miss dear Molly. Shit. That she died and [pick a ratfucking idiot Republican, any and all] is just so not right. Proof there is no god.

    Like

  12. mquirk says:

    I think the argument was that it’s a slippery slope from paying a shop for a sexual device to paying a prostitute for sex.

    An extremely slippery, well lubricated slope…

    Like

  13. what good does it to to outlaw commercially available toys when the produce department is still open ? – as frank zappa sang, “call any vegetable” – [admittedly some are more suitable than others]

    Like

    • Bruce388 says:

      The National Lampoon on Middle Eastern sex:

      For duty: A woman
      For pleasure: A boy
      For ecstacy: A melon

      Then there was that movie, “American Pie,”…

      Like

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