Told ya so like just yesterday : [Abstinence-Only Spokesperson and General Moral Scold] Bristol Palin Announces She’s Pregnant
Bristol Palin is apparently one-upping Mary with a second virgin birth. #abstinenceonlysexeducationtotallyworksguys
— Alex Duzik (@aduzik) June 25, 2015
“(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)
.@BristolsBlog blames 'trolls' for her early announcement. Sorry, but you're supposed to ignore trolls, not fuck them. #Abstinence
— Sean McCabe (@darthstar99) June 25, 2015
“I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
How about letting the baby daddy know. You do know who it is, right?
“Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
Keeping your chin up wasn’t the problem.
“At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
At the end of the day is a wine cooler, a high hand, and low morals, actually.
“Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
Showing up is half the battle, they say. The other half includes remembering your birth control.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
No. Try getting smarter.
“I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
Bristol Palin announces her pregnancy by calling it "a huge disappointment." Gosh, this kid is sure to be well-adjusted!
— Hannah (@h2theannah) June 25, 2015
Actually, I just won a bar bet. Thanks Brisket!
“But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and “I do not want any sympathy.
No Sympathy for sure. No lectures, either, unlike how you lectured… Just a wish that you and the baby do well.
“My little family always has, and always will come first.
I don’t think what came first was your little family.
“Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.”
OK, look it: I hope for Brisket everything she ever hoped for any of us sinners, but as a bonus I will include that I hope she gets a healthy dose of introspection about casting aspersions on the rest of us.
Brisket is walking a mile in our shoes, so to speak.
I think you get my point.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)
In the words of Mama Bear, Brisket Bear got ‘snookered’. (Anyone know if the ACA covers birth control).
Ok, so I guess the fella she just ditched at the alter may not be Pork Loin’s daddy? It’d be irresponsible not to speculate.
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Oh, Lord, I spit up a nice IPA! FTW!
I believe the limit for ‘bastard forgiveness’ is one, dear.
Guess mom ‘n dad didn’t bother to ‘splain the birds and bees.
“a huge disappointment to my family,”
Make that “ANOTHER huge disappointment to my family,”
Luckily for Brisket said family grifts “disappointment.”
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
Didn’t she have surgery for that?
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“Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up, ” unlike my chronic quitter of a mother (she did not say.)
To be briefly unsnarky (please do not to droppen sie das Banhammer)…
The news cycle for today is fucked.
To an extent, I actually feel sorry for her. She’s an adult now, and in on, and presumable happy with, the scam, so it’s hard to have too much sympathy, but she grew up in the home of the Permafrost Prostitute and that can’t have been focused much on reality. Nevertheless…
No one is going to talk about yet another clown joining the car today, and yet another clown joining in July. No one will point out that THEY ARE EFFING CLOWNS, and Walker may yet be indicted.
NO ONE WILL POINT OUT THAT 9 PEOPLE DIED BECAUSE A SCREWBALL TOOK A BATH IN THE RIGHT WING SEWERS.
In short, GAHHH.
What a miracle hymen, growing back for, what, the third time now?
“How about letting the baby daddy know. You do know who it is, right?” If the baby daddy follows Brisket on Twitter, he’s been informed.
You know what would help you not get pregnant? Talk to your friend jeebus about “handling” that hard cock “put in front of you” with “dignity and grace” and maybe even have him hold hold your hair back and keep your chin up while he gives you some tips on proper handy or BJ technique, and/or the other classic Xristian Xrazy “virgin” option: anal.
“Unwed mothers!! Next time, suck dick!” — Richard Belzer channeling St. Ronnie