The Hill Handicaps The 2016 Goat Rodeo

Oh, come-on now! I think that The Hill is trolling us: 13 Republicans most likely to win WH

The list includes all the current 2016 Goat Rodeo Contenders in the following sequence:

Sen. Rand Paul (Ky.)

Paul would not have been in the top tier just a few months ago, but since then he’s become a media sensation. He’s as comfortable bashing the president for his immigration executive actions on Fox News as he is joking about pot with Bill Maher on HBO’s “Real Time.”

And aside from the fact that the Schröedinger’s Candidate would chain women to a tree out back during rutting season and that his Confederate positions are about ¼ of an inch beneath his libertarian veneer, you know, as a famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and owner of the worst rug in Congress, Rand Paul would make a dandy choice.

Gov. Chris Christie (N.J.)

Christie “thinks on his feet and returns fire,” one strategist said. “Republicans love that.”

No fat jokes, please, but Christi has more closets with skeletons than the Winchester Mystery House.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush (Fla.)

With the best name ID and access to his family’s deep political and fundraising lines, Bush would loom large over the field if he does run. But strategists question whether he wants it bad enough to go through the grinder.

But aside from reminding everyone about Terri Schiavo, and of course his appalling family, we’ve covered Not Chimpy’s candidacy before.

Former Gov. Mike Huckabee (Ark.)

“If he’s in the field, the calculations change completely,” one strategist said. “He’s the biggest draw among conservatives who turn out in primaries.”

We’d love it if known theocrat and diabetes vector, Uncle Sugar hisself Mike Huckabee ran. I think even the most complacent millennial would come screaming to the polls to vote against him to stop him from implementing Biblical Law.

Sen. Ted Cruz (Texas)

Cruz’s brand of unabashed conservatism will play well on the campaign trail in the critical early voting states. He seems to relish the attacks against him, especially those who try to portray him as a far-right extremist.

We’d still love to see how he would thread the Birther crowd through the eye of his needle. Even the Republicans would vote against this oily creep. Also/too: his voice. We keep asking it, but when will his balls drop?

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.)

“Marco’s biggest problem, other than immigration, is if Jeb gets in,” said one strategist.

No, Marco’s biggest problem is his inexplicable ability to find a rake and step on it. We also wonder if he can run in the Goat Rodeo while he is in the witness protection program he had to enter after drafting immigration legislation in the Senate that didn’t involve killing immigrants ones and piling the bodies on the other side of the border, as the Teabaggers preferred.

Gov. Scott Walker (Wis.)

Walker has a conservative resume that Republicans lust over and has survived three tough contests. The only thing keeping him out of the top tier is that strategists say he doesn’t have the star power or charisma to cut through a crowded field of big personalities.

It would be a novelty act to see if the Koch brother’s lips move when Walker talks, and of course there’s that whole Grand Jury investigation, too.

Gov. Rick Perry (Texas)

“In 2012 he woke up, decided to run, and there was suddenly $18 or $19 million in a campaign account for him,” one strategist said.

But Perry may have whiffed on his best chance at the White House in 2012, when the group of candidates was considerably weaker. Strategists say he’s not as popular as Huckabee and not as fiery a conservative as Cruz.

And there are three reasons he cannot be Preznint. Oops.

Dr. Ben Carson

Republicans say there won’t be any room for the kind of upstart, underfunded candidates that made waves in 2012, so it’s a testament to how much respect they have for Carson that he made this list at all.

This year’s Herman Cain, without the humor. But honestly, can you imagine The Confederacy every voting for a black man? Not gonna happen.

Gov. Mike Pence (Ind.)

A social conservative with a strong record as governor, some Republicans argued that he belongs in the first tier of conservative gunners and is the best of the group of Republican governors mulling a bid.

He’s not presidential timber, though wooden. They should check him for termites.

Gov. Bobby Jindal (La.)

Strategists say Jindal has the strong record on policy but lacks the charisma to make a dent in the field.

“He’s nobody’s favorite and everybody’s backup,” one Republican said.

Tell us more about the volcanoes, Bobby.

Sen. Rob Portman (Ohio)

Portman has a reputation as a moderate, which isn’t necessarily a good attribute in the primary process.

He was Chimpy’s Budget Director, and that’s all we need to say.

Gov. John Kasich (Ohio)

Kasich is also boosted by virtue of being from the critical swing state of Ohio.

“Don’t count the Ohio twins out for vice president,” one strategist said.


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4 Responses to The Hill Handicaps The 2016 Goat Rodeo

  1. roket says:

    Sorry, I only pay attention to lists that appear on BuzzFeed. Their lists are down right historical.


  2. C Montgomery Burns says:


    And now for the comic styling of Zombie Reagan.


  3. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    Man, the media sure loves fucking this particular chicken.


  4. Weird Dave says:

    I think that The Hill is trolling us…

    Yes. Yes they are.


Comments are closed.