GOP: Old Dogs Looking for New Tricks

My late-lamented hound Thurber J. Wolf knew a lot of tricks that he could do on command, both by me saying it or by hand gestures. I would sometimes watch Fraiser and afterwards work with him on some of Eddie’s best bits, and he learned them all. He was very clever that way.

Sometimes without me giving a command, Thurber would start in on some of his tricks because he really wanted a treat. He figured (dog-like, they do this) that if he came up with the right trick, or combination of tricks, I would reward him. It was always funny when he would do one of these things in public because people would think he was freaking out: Stand, sit, rollover, crawl, pray, cross his legs, look disdainful (he did disdainful a lot, I don’t think he ever approved of my wardrobe).

I mention this only because the GOP is doing something similar trying to figure out how to get more votes for the next time.

Yesterday, the GOP thought it was that their “messaging” was off, if they just had the right words everyone would love them.

Today, they seem to have focused on Immigration Reform. They lost Latinos almost uniformly, and amazingly, Cubans fled from them. So, like a dog looking for the magic trick, Immigration Reform is suddenly on everyone’s lips.

Good start, but that’s not the problem.

The problem is Republicanism itself. You don’t have to look any farther than the 2012 Platform–and who articulates it–to know what is wrong and why no one likes them anymore.

In issue after issue, bulletpoint after bulletpoint they proclaim No, Don’t, Can’t, Won’t. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, from economics, to Choice, to Marriage Equality, to tax policy, to whatever. The whole platform is about restricting everyone to follow the GOP’s preferred orthodoxy.

The other part of the problem is who they have front and center trying to sell this bile: fetus-fondlers, god-botherers, snarling anti-woman women, self-loathing gay men, and the always present racist.

When you have billionaires buying the country from the millionaires “who wrecked it” and telling minimum wage workers that they have to tighten their belts “for everyone’s good,” no one is going to want to join you. When you have a plutocrat like Mitt Romney saying that about half the country doesn’t deserve his consideration, is there any wonder that half the country walked away?

When you have ancient gorgons like Phyllis Schlafly telling young women to dress modestly and let men make decisions for you, is there any wonder that young women fled? When you have Akin and Mourdock saying that rape doesn’t happen and when it does, that it is a blessing… is it any wonder that those who have two-X chromosomes who had not already fled the big tent must have felt pushed–or shoved–away?

When you have as a core constituency of your party a group of snarling Bible-thumpers telling gays and lesbians that not only are they not equal, but that they are the trumpet blast for the coming of The Beast, what did you expect to have happen? When you scream that no, you cannot marry someone you love, and in fact call for a Constitutional Amendment to deny civil rights to that group of people forever, why do you think that they would follow you into the voting booth?

When you have all the candidates during the debates only arguing over how high the fence along the border with Mexico should be (and oddly never the border with Canada), and whether to electrify it or not, can you possibly be surprised that your animosity towards Latinos is noticed?

And when you have a large part of your party and some of the most famous members going on birtherism rants and dog-whistling that a sitting president is not only illegitimate, born in Kenya, well insert your own shocking moment here, is there any wonder why you lost people of color?

So, GOP, while you are navel gazing and thinking about messaging and wondering why the country broke up with you, remember this: It’s not us, it’s you.

(Inspiration: WaPo, Brad DeLong)

This entry was posted in 2012 Goat Rodeo, Wingnuttia. Bookmark the permalink.

0 Responses to GOP: Old Dogs Looking for New Tricks

  1. Karla Furr says:

    This is a great article. I would like to put it up on my FB page,but I can’t figure out how to do it,short of “copying” the entire thing.Is it permissible for me to do this,or have you made it difficult by design? Anyway,just wanted you to know how perfectly most of your material matches what I believe.Thanks.
    Karla Furr

    Karen – thank you for the kind words. Without knowing your browser or HTML literacy, it would be hard for me to help you do this. I suggest you copy and paste, but please be sure to include a link back to Mock, Paper, Scissors. Regards, Tengrain


  2. DC Martin says:

    Brilliantly put.
    Linked on my blog’s FB page, as well as my personal page.


  3. Dimitrios says:

    Remission of xenophobia is not the reason why Republicans don’t want to construct a fence between Real America and Socialist Canuckistan. It’s because a fence would raise hob with all the south-flowing oil and natural gas pipelines, ore trains and aqueducts they envision.


  4. Capt. Bat Guano says:

    Keep polishing that turd while fucking that chicken you loser assholes.


  5. Reamus says:

    Nicely done, Tengrain, nicely done. I sent it on to my teabagger former college roommate. He’ll recover early next week.

    Great piece!




  6. moeman says:

    Très, très bien TG.


  7. Steve-o says:

    As a Canadian, I can tell you that we whole heartedly support your border fence project. May we humbly and politely request assurances that it will go ALL THE WAY AROUND and be water-tight? 😉


  8. grs says:

    I’m waiting for the next incarnation of the Right. When GW was around, it was Evangelicals with morality. When it was Obama/Romney, it became the Tea Baggers with the Constitution and Deficits. What will be the next faux-labeled group of scared, angry white people?


  9. the free salamander hordes says:

    One of the great rants ….
    ‘they are the trumpet blast for the coming of the Beast’
    .. Hunter S. Thompson smiles upon stuff of this octane
    .. you will be immortal for that staggering line alone
    The Salamanders have spoken ..


  10. Matty Boy says:

    You don’t do long form much. You should do it more often, maybe like Herb Caen did it on Sundays.

    I’m linking to this on Facebook and Twitter.


    • Tengrain says:

      Thanks everyone –

      MPS is not a long-format blog, by design. Yeah, I can do it, but it feels like work. And I worry that whatever my brilliant insight is, that if I don’t get it out quickly, everyone else will already have it covered, and I’ll be another, “What Digby said.

      Following the lead of that Brit, Shakes-what’s-his-name, I believe that brevity is the art of wit, so I work–believe it or not–at making my posts as short as possible. It’s really a challenge, and a good exercise. Try it. It’s as liberating as it is confining. (And you might grasp why I am in awe of Mountjoy’s Haikus, too. Dude does it on the first try.)

      Sometime, I just do the punchline, and not the setup, knowing that the Scissorheads will always get it. You’ve never let me down.




  11. lambchop says:

    Way cool, dude. Yes, all of that – but they still won’t understand.


  12. dk says:

    It’s called ‘processing’. Like what you do when sleeping, or after any especially shattering event.

    There’ll be a million ‘this is what it is, or maybe it’s this’ epiphanies. That’s normal and good. But the sum total, not the individual rants, is all that matters.

    Republicans suck in so many ways. And despite the mainstream media’s completely ignoring this fact in all their analysis (is that the reason they have no clue why congress is gridlocked? yes), and despite hectomillions spent on lying spam, they just can’t wash this knowledge out of educated peoples’ heads. BTW, did you see this one? wow:

    All the semi-meaningless yack is _great_. It’s the kind of publicity money can’t buy.

    Bottom line: wingnuts sure do suck big hairy donkey balls.


  13. another kiwi says:

    What they all said TG. The Republicans are convinced that what they have to do is paint the house when in fact they have to burn it down (they had a good go at that anyway) and build a nice new house with indoor and outdoor flow. It’s not the paint it’s the fucking house.


  14. Thomas Brown says:

    How exactly is this supposed to work?

    “Obama voters are selfish parasitic scum… Lazy pimps and sluts and worthless maggots who just want government handouts… Blasphemous heathen Marxists wallowing in bitter jealousy, or genetic throwbacks too stupid to vote for anybody except their own race… An internal threat gnawing at the entrails of America…

    So please vote for us! Why don’t you vote for us?”


  15. Axel Grease says:

    this is perfect


  16. KarenZipdrive says:

    Jeeze, don’t give them any idess. Let them find their own lies to tell, like wanting to formulate sane immigration policies.
    P.S. If I saw that dog pissing on Mitt’s face I’d bring him home with me.



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