Contest Announcement: Name them


Get your spitballs ready, and put on your propeller beanies. It is time we got serious.

We’ve long had a sobriquet for Petunia

…but we’ve struck out with a loving nickname for The Dumb One:

…and The Other Dumb One seems sort of derivative:

Help us give them names worthy of Petunia.

The prize? An original, signed cartoon (photoshop) of the three of them, delivered to you. Put your nominations in the comments, and the MPS Super-Team will vote on a winner in a completely opaque, non-binding way, whenever we get around to it. Bribes are not beneath us (this is the US, after all), and toadying is encouraged.

Now, get cracking!


The Management

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47 Responses to Contest Announcement: Name them

  1. Mr DeBakey says:



  2. Tengrain says:

    From Moeman earlier today:

    Names for the noobs;

    chicken and licken

    emptything1 and empything2

    whitebread and mayo

    bait and switch

    verbal diarrhea and mental constipation


  3. x says:

    Douche Nozzle and Hockey Puck.


  4. x says:

    Douche Nozzle


    Hockey Puck.


  5. Dimitrios says:

    I originally named them after observed traits, but those names are cumbersome and superficial (as am I). After giving it some thought:

    The Dumb One, I would call Ricin, because it causes severe diarrhea and its victims can die of shock.

    And The Other Dumb One, I would call Ratatouille. That comes from the French word “touiller” which means to toss food.


  6. JohnnyB says:

    Doocy already is the perfect nickname for the other dumb one. Duece-y as in “number 2”, “dropping a deuce”
    Deucey is perfect.

    the Dumb One however is tougher. He’s like Rainman without the skills, Idiot Savant without the Savant.
    Savantless doesn’t get it.


  7. If I had a TV-Box I might feel qualified to comment, but I think I’ll just sit here and giggle.


  8. lazyMonkey says:

    Curley and Shemp


  9. joesdaughter says:

    Doofus and Goofus

    Flotsam and Jetsam

    B and M

    Clouseau and the Minkey

    Bristol and Willow


  10. Reamus says:

    Look like Earl and his bother brother Earl but I think

    Pasty and Punky ( top to bottom) go nicely with Petunia.


  11. How about Stupid Motherfucker I and Stupid Motherfucker II? Ok, so where do I send my address?

    I like joe’s daughter last three suggestions–in fact, I can’t choose between them.


  12. Skinny Dennis says:

    Unfair and Unbalanced


  13. kctomato says:

    Doorbell (Ding Dong)
    and Tumbleweed (metaphor for vast empty space)


  14. Alan Dawson says:

    rutabaga and carrot stick


  15. Bruce388 says:

    “Ted Baxter” or “Darrell” for the blond one due to the hair color, “Other Brother Darrell” for the dark haired douche.


  16. delusion says:

    Doocy seems like he should be easy, but he’s not.
    Kilmeade is truly a tough nut to crack. Nobody has nicknamed KillMe.
    This calls for research.
    The defining moment for these three is when Petunia walked off the set after Killme’s sexist joke.

    A. When Petunia’s was on “The View” she said her nickname on the fox set is “B.A. for Bad Ass, but in a good way.”
    And her nickname at home is “Sparkles”

    B. Gawker called the crew “Irradiated mealworms”–friends-think-people-want-them-dead also “desiccated old praying mantis Steve Doocy” but a mantis looks terrifying and is a predator, and that doesn’t fit Doocy. The insect theme might work better for Kilmeade.

    C. Quoting Wonkette “We are going to assume we are not the only ones who can detect a whiff of Eau de Date Rape wafting in the air around Mr. Kilmeade?) And he’s always jeering and frat-boying around and he never even sticks a dollar in the Douche Jar!” Eau de Date Rape! excellent.

    D. Kilmeade has been involved in the Massapequa Soccer Club. Their 5 and 6 year old team is called “Squirts” It kinda fits his juvenile and sexist attitude. Don’t think it’s right to mock him for supporting the kids though. “Squirts” is pretty good, can you use it?

    E. Kilmeade discussed President Barack Obama’s response to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s failed bomb attack when he referred to Abdulmutallab as the “would-be crotch bomber.” Doocy then shifted the discussion to a lighter tone, in which he lauded Kilmeade’s apparently original nickname. After a few laughs Carlson decided to make this stupid comment: “It’s impossible to say his last name anyway.” How does this sound “Brian (would-be crotch bomber) Kilmeade.

    F. Colbert treats Kilmeade like BillO treats Olbermann, he never says his name, Cobert calls him “The brown haired guy who isn’t Steve Doocy”
    Maybe… Brian “It’s a Rug” Kilmeade.

    G. Speaking of Olbermann, he once took some heat after calling KillMe “Unamerican Bastard”. The quote is ” “Not all unamerican bastards are Brian Kilmeade, but all Brian Kilmeades are unamerican bastards.” I think Keith deserves some slack for that one, because using propaganda techniques against fox is fair game.

    H. Joesdaughter (above) said “Clouseau” and that resonates for Doocy.

    My favorites so far are “Clouseau” and “Squirts”

    P.S. They have titled their webcast “After the Show Show”, which many have begun abbreviating A.S.S.


  17. Osirisopto says:

    Hurl and Furt

    It works best as a team but alone they have their own special charm.


  18. Kilmeade has to be the dumbest individual on TV… I had fun with his stupid, stupid jetpacks vs. choppers bit. He’s the sort of dumb numbnuts who cites articles from The Onion (or, at least, the even funnier Weekly World News) as if they were serious news reports, how about calling him the “Bloomin’ Onion”?


  19. Denny Smith says:

    Doocy = Dennis the Menace
    Other dude = Other Dude


  20. Fearguth says:

    Brian Kilmeade = Slowpoke Rodriguez
    Steve Doocy = Colonel Rimfire


  21. Esteev says:

    Brian Kilmeade = Brain
    Steve Doocy = Mr Kerfuffle


  22. Perdurabo says:

    Since TG has set the tone and genre of the names(loony tunes B or C-list) it seems appropriate to continue in that vein.

    Doocy = Beaky Buzzard
    Kilmeade = Thaaaaaa…..CRUSHER!


    Doocy = Rocky
    Kilmeade = Mugsy


  23. alcoholocaust says:

    All the verbal associations I came to after viewing those photos:

    Dialog suppository
    Tapeworm mating ritual
    Stock photography trainee
    Under-counter bubblegum discovery
    Studio appliance
    Suspected ringleader of community college hazing ritual involving prunes, oysters and a bicycle pump.
    Oratory Phallus


  24. Chuck Locke says:

    How about Stinkin’, Unthinkin’ and Odd?


  25. JB says:

    Plain Nutz and the Putz.


  26. RayLay says:

    Keeping with the flower theme:

    1. Wilted Tulip (Wilt for short) for the dumb-one (google Kertesz & “Melancholic Tulip”)


    2. Stink Horn for the other (OK, OK, I know it’s a fungus)


  27. moeman says:

    ‘KillMe’ is so good.


  28. Jo says:

    The Douche and The Enema


  29. Mac from Oregon says:

    Kookla, Fran and Ollie?


  30. moeman says:

    I’m gonna riff on Mac from Oregon: October 25th, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Kooky, Frump and Gollie!


  31. another kiwi says:

    Doocey =Sneezy , Kilmeade = Dopey.
    Milo Otis


  32. another kiwi says:

    Well that was odd. Anyway I meant Doocey for Milo and Kilmeade for Otis


  33. another kiwi says:

    Doocey = Oompa Kilmeade = Loompa
    Doocey = Punk Kilmeade = Lunk
    Doocey = Wally Kilmeade = The Plonker


  34. RWW says:

    I’d suggest one be called Box (of rocks) and the other Bag (of hammers). But really they’re both so goddamned stupid and interchangeable why bother even differentiating between them? How bout the The Dumbshit Twins?


  35. zencomix says:

    Summer’s Steve,The Dooch
    Faster Pussycat! Kilmeade! Kilmeade!


  36. LanceThruster says:

    Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.


  37. Ramona Quimby says:

    When I lived in the DC area in the 90s, Doocy was a regular on the local NBC affiliate. He was called “our resident zany.” Still fits the moron.


  38. Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber


  39. steven gregson says:

    Tweedledee & Tweedledum


  40. MPK says:

    I think we should continue the cartoon character theme:

    Elmer and Wylie.

    I don’t know which guy is which so use those names in whatever way is appropriate.

    “Kill the wabbit!”


    • Tengrain says:

      MPK –

      Welcome to MPS (so close, so close), it is good to have you with us.

      Whenever we can get the MPS Superteam together to sort this one out (Hurrican Sandy is keeping Axle Grease busy), we will put your nominations in the running!




  41. Court Jester says:

    I thought someone would come up with this by now: Dooce-bag
    I (luckily) don’t watch it, so I’m blank on Kilmeade


    • Tengrain says:

      Court Jester –

      Welcome to MPS, it is good to have you with us.

      I don’t watch it either, I just look for highlights. Petunia almost never lets me down. As for Dooce-bag, we will absolutely consider that nomination, and I’m embarrassed to say it never occurred to me.




  42. John Waldron says:

    Pee and Pee-pee


  43. Daniel says:

    After much consideration, I think coming up with a new name for Steve Doocy is the exact opposite of what we should do. That is, instead of choosing a name that sums up the idiocy, cluelessness and yet completely undeserved self confidence that is the Deuce, we should embrace the name Doocy as a term to describe these qualities. For instance, “Boy, Palin sure cut loose a world class Doocy today,” or “Did you hear Brownie’s Doocy on FEMA’s response to hurricane Sandy yesterday?”



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