Updated: MPS Guide to 2012 Goat Rodeo

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Candidate Pro Con Status
Minnesota Member of Congress Michele Bachmann (Declared) bachmann-straight-jacket Notorious baby mill operator, self-proclaimed Teabagger Queen, McCarthyite witch hunter, self-confessed confident of God, Former Miss November, noted Constitutional Scholar, Bachmann-the-Nut There would never be a dull moment as Bachmann-the-Nut makes up her own version os US History and talks to her invisible friends. Bat-shit insane. Says God wanted her to run.
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour (Rumored) boss-hogg-barbour Boss Hogg might be a racist southerner, or might be a GOPer. He looks like Boss Hogg, sounds like Boss Hogg, acts like Boss Hogg. Dukes of Hazzard revival eminent if he is elected. Madam Hogg didn’t want him to run, and withheld sex until she got her way. Ewww, gross.
Fast Food Former CEO, Herman Cain (Declared) Herman Cain surreal “9-9-9!” Cain“Black Walnut” claims that President Obama has brainwashed black americans, except for himself, that is. Noted as one of the primary saboteurs of Clinton’s Healthcare Plan, Black Walnut ran for Senate in Georgia not knowing that he was black, and lost. Wants to run the White House like a business. “Doesn’t matter if it is a pizza, or a burger, or the White House: a problem, is a problem, is a problem.”
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Rumored) Anger-management candidate, notable for no longer wearing yellow because school children tried to board him. Cancelled Stimulus tunnel project to Manhattan and did not return the money. Whoopsie! Enthusiastic fan of helicopter and limousine rides; walking: not so much.
Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich (Declared) Newt-and-Callista Serial adulterer, Newticles served divorce papers to his first wife in the hospital while she was recovering from cancer, and cheated on his second wife with the woman who was to become his third wife, Calista, who could suck rocks through a garden hose. Often contradicts himself, even in the same sentence. A complete sociopath, there is no lie too small to tell to David Gregory, who will will nod his head. “I loved America so much, it is why I cheated on my wife/wives.”
Former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee (Rumored) Huckabee-and-the-Squirrel Gomer is the darling of the Xristian Xrazies. Knows a secret way to cook up squirrels in the popcorn popper. Is married to notable fashion plate, the Gomerette. Kids pack heat, and have problems with bringing guns on planes. Al Qada? Another GOPer who thinks that God talks to him (Is mental illness catching? Yes.)
Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman (Declared) Billionaire REO Speedwagon fanboy and former ambassador to Communist China. His campaign frequently misspells Jon-John’s name; he likes to ride his motorcycle. Mormon, he’s Willard’s cousin or something. Conservative nut-jobbers hate Mormons.
Former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson (Declared) Gary-Johnson-surreal Libertarian who believes in choice and free trade – at the same time? Maybe. Pay for your abortion yourself, hippies. Budget-cutting maniac, believes in school vouchers, and cut education budget to get them. He climbed Mt. Everest. Wants to legalize dope.
Fred Karger (Declared) fred_karger Karger is the first openly gay candidate for president, supports marriage equality, repealing DADT. A would-be actor, he had a featured role in Horshack! a spinoff from Welcome Back, Kotter that was never produced. Gay and Jewish, Karger is not much loved by the GOP. The Uncle Tom’s Log Cabin Republicans hate him.
Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin (Undeclared or rumored? who knows!) Mooselini's-plan Part-time Governor and full-time Grifter, Mooselini has entered more words into the dictionary than most people alive. Mooselini knows how to use the awesome power of the Facebook, could fire press secretary to save money. She likes to put bullseye targets on political enemies, which includes most of the US. Will make up her mind in September October.
Rand/Ron Paul (One of ’em declared) Rand Paul No one is sure if they are different people. Rand (son of Ron) named himself after Ayn Rand. Ron is a Texan. Was cheered by audience when he said that he would let uninsured patients die. Market-place solutions! Rand has the worst rug in the capital (it needs a chin strap) and certified himself as an optician; Ron is a Texan. Rand: Aqua Buddha. Ron: Texas.
Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty (Declared – Quit) Sleeping-Tea-Paw Mr. Excitement, his team has to build videos around a guy less exciting than watching paint dry. Will save Disney’s Hall of Presidents time & money to make a robot version of him. Claims to have a “smokin’ hot wife.” Hires drunks from Alabama to do breaking and entering/outreach in Iowa. Only GOPer in history to run for Preznint and get turned down by Fox News for a show.
Texas Governor Rick Perry (Declared) Noted Secessionist and Theocrat, Gov. Goodhair’s family compound is known as Niggerhead. Proved that God has a sense of humor when claimed that God talks to him and urged him to run. However, God didn’t listen to him when he prayed for an end to the deep draught in Texas. There is no lie too big, nor bribe too small for Gov. Goodhair and his grifter wife.
Former Massachusetts Governor Willard “Mitt” Romney (Declared) Willard-has-Bachmann-Eyes,-Weepy-skin Robotic hair helmet from the future sent to destroy us all. Willard says that he is “unemployed, too.” Wants to tear down his Cali beach-front mansion to replace it with a bigger mansion. Conservative nut jobbers hate Mormons. Ran a take-over firm, and off-shored many Americans jobs. Strapped dog to the roof of the car for a family vacation. Was the architect of Obamacare.
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (Declared) That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter, Santorum is the American Taliban. Told gay soldiers that he would re-instate DADT (while audience boo’ed the gay soldier); never thanked him for his service. Brought home stillborn baby Gabriel and posed for pictures with it, made children say hello to it. A Xristian Xrazy, Santorum is credited with alerting horn-dog Senator John Ensign that he was about to be outed by the cuckolded husband of his mistress. Family values hypocrite.
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17 Responses to Updated: MPS Guide to 2012 Goat Rodeo

  1. raceynora says:

    hahalarious

    Like

  2. Reamus says:

    TG,

    Nicely done!

    Rgds,

    Reamus

    Like

  3. Yes, but should escapees from maximum security mental hospitals be allowed to run for President?

    Like

  4. nonnie9999 says:

    i don’t know why you aren’t the political reporter for a major newspaper or have your own cable news show, 10G.

    by the way, have you heard that santorum has been raking in the bucks as a lobbyist? he’s collecting the big bucks and spreading the word about how great fracking is. yep, it’s true, he’s a lubeyist!

    Like

  5. RWW says:

    What no mention of St. Rudy of Giuliani? I hear he’s been sharpening his fangs lately.

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  6. RWW says:

    That’s not a rug on Randy Paul’s head. It’s a tribble.

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  7. Capt. Bat Guano says:

    Papoon for President: Not Insane!

    Like

  8. tommyspoon says:

    As disappointing as Obama has been, I still don’t see him losing to any of these clowns.

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  9. tommyspoon, it wouldn’t be for lack of trying.

    Additionally, the failure of 30 straight years of Reaganism might just stink up the joint enough around November, 2012, to cause a far worse outcome than you think.

    It’s happened in other countries. American Exceptionalism, my ass.
    ~

    Like

  10. tommyspoon says:

    Oh, he could lose, thunder. But he’d have to give the game away. If he campaigns as well as he did last time, he’ll be fine.

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  11. HarpoSnarx says:

    And IF Barry repairs all that self-inflicted damage and is reelected . . . we still have to outsit Raygun.

    Like

  12. delusion says:

    One quibble about Rand Paul, opthalmologist.
    If he had certified himself as an optician, there would not be much of a controversy.
    An optician is a maker of lenses, and is not usually a doctor. An ophthalmologist is a surgeon, and has far higher requirements for certification.
    This is a very common mistake. Eye doctors of all stripes are commonly and incorrectly referred to as opticians.

    Like

  13. wagonjak says:

    Great rundown and plenty of chuckles TG…especially loved the snark on Christie!

    Like

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