Anatomy of a column

ark Penn woke up, and unsure of where he was sprawled, lifted his head up, brushed the peanut shells off his cheeks, and spotted a keg. “Dammit, I should never try to keep up with Dowd,” he mumbled as he filled his red plastic tumbler for breakfast.
Exiting the cab at the office – there was no time to go home and get cleaned up – there were a few startled looks: the frat brothers had drawn horns on his forehead and a long, curling mustache when he passed out – he dashed into the foyer, his red eyes blazing. Everyone got out of his way.

“Tried to keep up with Dowd, again, didn’t you?”

“Shut up, Will. I don’t need to hear it.”

“Yes, you do, Penn. Look at you, you are a disgrace to the profession.” George Will was looking dapper in his summery seersucker suite, bow tie, and holding a straw boater. “Do you think the youth of today want to become newspapermen so they can look like you? What kind of example do you think you are setting?”

Will was getting a good steam of righteous indignation going, and getting louder and shriller. Penn was feeling the sweat on his upper lip and was hearing the blood pounding in his ears. The bile, literally was rising in his throat, so why not use it?

“Just send me the dry cleaning bill, Will,” he said with a smirk as the ashen faced Will pressed the down button to return home to change.

Penn shambled into his office where his ever efficient assistant Lars had set out the requisite thermos of black coffee, three aspirin tablets, and tall glass of iced water. His mail, sorted into the micro piles he demanded awaited him, as did his deadline.

The intercom buzzed to life and Lars’ disembodied voice came on the line, “George Will’s on line 1. Do you want to talk to him, Mr. Penn?”

“Hell, no. The man is a professional asshole,” Barked Penn. “Take a message.”

Penn turned to his computer, an evil gleam in his eye, and the words just seemed to flow.

“Don’t call me middle class: I’m a professional!” – by Mark Penn

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0 Responses to Anatomy of a column

  1. Professional? There are professional trolls?


  2. Utah Savage says:

    I thought Mark Penn was just a political hack. He’s a journalist?


  3. liberaldemdave says:

    love your column anatomy, ‘grain. (ooh, i didn’t mean it the way it typed out!)


    • Tengrain says:

      Thanks LDD –

      I have to admit they are fun to write. It all started when I was having coffee with a friend (snarkier than me, btw) who started in on “What were they thinking when they wrote that piece of crap…” and it dawned on me that was a great theme for blogging about the stupidity of opinion writers.

      And given the general assrocketery of the pundit class, there is a never ending supply!




  4. i bet he is still hocking hillary for his money


  5. raceynora says:

    Excellent as always. And good point: a target rich environment!