Updated Guide to the GOP Candidates

Post Office Mug Shot Pro Con Mitigating Factor
KA Senator Sam Brownback Sam Brownback Has funniest Snowflake baby video on YouTube. Religious nut-job Likely to replace Little Ricky in many jokes.
Chicago-area CPA John Cox John Cox Ran for an office he called “The model of waste and corruption,” and lost: County Recorder of Deeds. He has taught religious education classes Has run 3X for elected office, never won, but came in third once.
CA Representative Duncan Hunter Duncan Hunter Does not understand property taxes. Wants to fence off Mexico, xenephobe. Duke Cunningham.
Former VA Governor Jim Gilmore James Gilmore Already working on “Gilmore Girls” jokes. Was RNC chairman for a year. Bankrupted VA with tax cuts, which helped to elect VA Dem. Mark Warner.
Former NYC Mayor, Rudy Giuliani (announced on Larry King Live, hahaha) Rudy Giuliani Looks like the skull on the poison label. Bernie Kerik; America’s Mayor downplayed health risks at ground zero. Unlucky in love, his first wife was his cousin. Lived with a gay couple while between marriages. Had the City of New York pay for his mistresses dog walking.
Former Gov. AR, Mike Huckabee, and Gomer Pyle look alike Mike Huckabee Claims God calls him on his cell phone. Religious nut-job: ordained Baptist minister, ran Evangelical TV station Became Gov. as a by-product of Whitewater. Wants to lock up LGBT people as a “health hazard.”
AZ Senator Mad Dog McCain Mad Dog McCain Strangely trapezoidal head. Barking mad; changes position frequently. Ironically-named Straight Talk Express; Brown noses and french kisses Chimpy’s ass. Missed two consecutive votes on escalating the Iraq war, because he was too busy trying to get evangelicals to support him. Still trying to get evangellicals to like him.
TX Representative, and doctor, Ron Paul Ron Paul Has two first names, and no hyphen! Arguably, he created Tom DeLay when he retired (the first time); Hired general counsel to Pat Buchanan’s Republican presidential committee. The GOP generally hates him, calls him “Doctor No” because he won’t go along with them often. Mostly wants to abolish government.
Former MA Governor and cult religion member, Mitt Romeny (announced with about a hundred of his cult-ish offspring and their concubines) Hair helmet More flip-flops than “Queer Eye” fashionita Carson. Jeb Bush is alleged to be quietly supporting him. Keeps saying religion should not be a litmus test, but won’t stop talking about it. Heart-throb of sex-challenged NRO douche-bag, K-Lo.
CO Representative Tom Tancredo Tom Tancredo Got into a very public screaming match with Turdblossom, who called Tancredo a traitor. Virulently anti-choice, anti-bilingual, and anti-immigrant; deported high school honor student. Chimpy hates him
Chimpy’s former HHS, Tommy Thompson Tommy Thompson Spoofed on Southpark episode, “How to Eat With Your Butt.” Grown man who calls himself “Tommy”. Limited stem-cell research; Medicare “Reform.” Faith-based health services. “For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do.”
Former Rep. GA, and serial adulterer Newt Gingrich (rumored) Newt Gingrich Almost life-like Shut down the government when he felt slighted by Clinton. Registered for wedding gifts online with his third wife/second mistress. Apalling taste.
NE Senator Chuck Hagel (rumored) Chuck Hagel First name rhymes so well, and is so useful… Former CEO of voting machine company the same year he was elected to Senate. If elected, first lady would be Lilibet Ziller Hagel.
Former Gov., NY, George Pataki (rumored) George Pataki Had constipation surgery. Pro-death penalty. Accidentally created conspiracy theorists industry when he privatized the WTC just weeks ahead of 9-11.
Former TN Senater and Creature from the Black Lagoon Look alike, Fred Thompson Fred Thompson All the GOPers like his wife’s rack. Boring speaker, needs to be scripted. Goes by “grampa-daddy” from his kids.
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0 Responses to Updated Guide to the GOP Candidates

  1. FranIam says:

    Damn them taking down the snowflake video!


  2. Tengrain, you are proof that there is more information about politics available online than on the tv. Everything I needed to know in one concise post. Just brilliant.


  3. JimmyDean'sFuckedUpCousinClyde says:

    T—I second PiNYC.

    Maybe a lit-t-tle simplistic, but living as we do in a nano-second news world, even more informing than the average Fox broadcast.
    Fuck–MUCH more informing than the average Fox broadcast!!!!

    (You may have forgotten to include the wee tidbit that Ghouliani single-handedly saved NY from total destruction back in . . . . . in . .. . . . I think it was September something of 2001 . . . . . . . . . .)