Midday Palate Cleanser

Posted on August 22, 2017 by

“She thinks she’s Buffy…”

vampire

“…so I’ll be Spike. Bwah-ha-ha!”

Posted in cats, Palate Cleansers | 2 Comments

The Death of the Media, Cont.

Posted on August 22, 2017 by

If you say so…

This is a very big, eff’ing deal:

“Sinclair Broadcast Group, which is a less famous but more partisan version of Fox Broadcasting, has plans to buy Tribune Media. There is just one problem, however: a merger of the two companies would give them access to 72% of America’s homes, and FCC regulations cap that number for over-the-air broadcasters at 39%. Never to fear, says Federal Communications Commission Chairman Ajit Pai, a Donald Trump appointee. As an attorney, he’s good at finding loopholes, and now he’s found a big one. When the caps were introduced back in the 1970s, a station that utilized lower-strength UHF signals (channels above 13) counted only 50% as much as one that utilized higher-strength VHF signals (channels 2-13). Pai is going to reinstate that rule for Sinclair, despite the fact that signal strength is no longer as issue in a world where all signals are delivered digitally (and, more often than not, via cable rather than over the air).”

Jefferson Beauregard ‘Stonewall’ Sessions III is trying to kiss and make-up with his boss, so don’t bet that he might step in and stop this outrage. The Fourth Reich would be perfectly fine if the entire Fortune 500 merged into one company; Sinclair would turn into another Trump TV if this passes, so you think his administration would stop it?

Posted in Death of the Media, media, Sinclair Broadcasting | 2 Comments

Claim Chowder Is Served!

Posted on August 22, 2017 by

Hey guys, remember last week when we postulated that once Hair Führer’s racist comments following the White Supremacist/KKK rally in Charlottesville trickled down, his popularity would skid into the 20% range?

We were right:

“In [WashPost/ABC News] poll, clear disapproval of Trump response to Charlottesville” 

  • U.S. adults: Approve of Trump’s response to Charlottesville protests 28% … Disapprove 56%
  • Democrats: Approve 6% … Disapprove 84%
  • Independents: Approve 28% … Disapprove 55%
  • Republicans: Approve 62% … Disapprove 19%
Posted in Claim Chowder, Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, racism, snark, White Punks on Dope | 1 Comment

Trump Continues To Stiff Workers

Posted on August 22, 2017 by

Poor Uncle Moneybags

We want to apologize for missing the obvious joke yesterday what with the eclipse and all, but Trump getting goods and services, which he then refuses to pay, is his normal operating procedure. And now members of the Secret Service are getting that kid glove Trump treatment and about 1,000 of ’em have been stiffed by the Orange Menace.

Anyway, the Secret Service is proposing that Congress increase the pay of their agents from $160K Ameros to $187K Ameros. And even if Congress says, “Sure why not?,” a buncha agents will still have protected The Russian Usurper for free.

Anyway, good luck, Hair Führer in your on-going screwing of the people who protect you. Hope you thought this one all the way through.

(Our only problem with the Secret Service is that they are perhaps too good at their jobs…)

 

 

Posted in 4th Reich | 2 Comments

About Last Night…

Posted on August 22, 2017 by

Some Cream For Your Covfefe?

It blows.

Last night was the night that Comrade Preznint Stupid’s teleprompter became president.

The Mango-Hued Shitgibbon got up on his hind legs and read (poorly) from a teleprompter! Who knew he was literate? He struggled with the opening bit, which was yet another attempt to condemn racism and proclaim American values of equality and non-discrimination (one wonders what trans people serving in the military thought about that line as Hair Führer kicks them out for being trans-people).

Once that shit was out of the way, he was more fluent in the weasel-speak written by Pee-Wee Goerring.

Just Say NO!

Oh, his “allergy” sniffles returned.

Anyway, Hair Führer’s new Afghan policy is to do what the black guy was doing, just with more white. And Commander Bunnypants told us that he was not going to tell us  his plans because he doesn’t want to telegraph to the enema (seriously, he mispronounced enemy) his strategic plans. Given that our presence in Afghanistan is actually a NATO presence, that means he kinda-sorta has to let 39 other countries know what his plans are, but he think Americans are leakers to the Taliban?

Sure, we’ll go with that.

His other big announcement was something to do with nuclear-armed Pakistan, and I wasn’t sure if he was shaking them down, or telling them (shhh! no telegraphing!) that he wanted nuclear-armed India to give them the Whammie.

So, to summarize: We have no official idea of any policy change, no idea of any measurement of success, no idea of any troop increase, no idea of what this is gonna cost, no timeline, and we still do no know who put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

Which one of these is not like the others:

  • CNN’s Fareed Zakaria: “What will 4,000 American troops do that 140,000 couldn’t do five years ago?”
  • MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow: “We heard the president basically dismiss his previous self” and we heard him “start a new fight with Pakistan…”
  •  NYMag’s Olivia Nuzzi: “Did I miss the announcement of a new strategy or what”
  •  Tiger Beat on the Potomac’s Susan Glasser‏: “Bottom line: a few thousand more troops, no new policy. There’s nothing dramatic about it except that Trump acknowledged flipflop.”
  • Fox’s Jack Keane: “We’ve finally got a commander in chief who speaks honestly…”

So an incoherent though somewhat conventional Afghanistan speech on Monday, Phoenix rally for white supremacists on Tuesday. Maybe maybe the pundits should save all of the analysis until at least Wednesday?

Oh, dear. Too late.  WaPo’s Philip Rucker‏: “Tonight is a new President Trump: Acknowledging a flip-flop and talking about gravity of office, history & substance.”

We said to stay away from the ‘nip, Phil!

Posted in 4th Reich, Afghanistan, Chimpy's Great Adventure, Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, snark | 2 Comments

Bad Packaging, Cont.

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

pussy wind

Learn something new every day, people.

(Hat tip: Sekrit Scissorhead on the electric Twitters @JesusHCristos )

Posted in Bad Packaging | 4 Comments

Vulgar Talking Yam To Speak At 6PM Pacific

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

You can watch it here, if you want to watch it at all.

What are the house odds that he’ll stay on script?

What are the house odds that by tomorrow he’ll contradict himself from tonight?

Posted in 4th Reich, Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper | 5 Comments

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

Happy Hour News Briefs

Do it for the children

One Million Moms (minus 999,999)’ Monica Cole warmed up her 1990s era fax machine deep in the bowels of the American Family Association (see what I did there?), and hit send. Let’s see who she is boycotting today!

…This is not the first time The Loud House, which airs weekdays on Nickelodeon at 5:00 pm Eastern/4:00 pm Central, has warranted a warning from One Million Moms, a ministry of the American Family Association. Monica Cole, director of the decency advocacy organization, says the network is using the show to promote controversial topics to children.

Gasp! Controversial topics!

“They’re attempting to desensitize young viewers by normalizing same-gender marriage with one sister coming out as bi-sexual and then with foul language being used,” she reports. “Even though it’s bleeped out, it’s the predominant topic of one entire episode.”

Gasp! you mean that the Yutes of Today might learn that there are LGBTQ people in the world?!

Cole urges One Million Moms members to contact Toys”R”Us, a frequent advertiser during The Loud House.

It’s a small world after all, or at least after 1MM is done with it.

“Toys”R”Us being a sponsor, it is shocking that they would support a program and sponsor a program that is pushing an agenda on controversial topics,” she contends.

Actually, it’s pretty great marketing. Toys are toys, Monica. Selling toys is what Toys R Us does. Ensuring that all kids know that they are welcome in the stores makes good business sense. And if little Joey wants a Barbie or Jane wants a GI Joe, that’s OK at Toys ‘R’ Us.

It’s too bad you, Monica, want to shame children and their families into conforming to your binary, Blue-or-Pink world. There’s so much more to life, and wouldn’t the world be a boring place without a little variety?

So let’s celebrate the differences and support the non-conforming and contact Toys ‘R’ Us and thank them for sponsoring The Loud House and supporting all kids regardless of gender and orientation.

 

Posted in Family Values, Monica Cole, Xristian Xraxies | 1 Comment

Revved up like a douche, Another runner in the night

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

“At approximately 2:39, the President initially gesticulated to the crowd below and pointed at the sky. As he did so, one of the White House aides standing beneath the Blue Room Balcony shouted ‘Don’t look.'”

He looked.

Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper | 12 Comments

Midday Palate Cleanser

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

“I love spa days.”

I just can’t *spontaneously combusts*

Posted in dogs, Palate Cleansers | 2 Comments