Midday Palate Cleanser

Squirrel needs a heroic soundtrack for those poses.

(Also, Team Dog is growling right now.)

Posted in dogs, Palate Cleansers | 3 Comments

Who Had Sondland Nails Prznint Stupid on Their Impeachment Bingo Card?

Dump Trump (ITMFA!) and the Republicans

…because you just won. Man, it is unreal.

…which predictably resulted in:

and my favorite:

and the ultimate statement from the spectators:

Covfefe for everyone, it’s on the house!

UPDATES:

We found the first rat heading to a lifeboat, maybe: Mike Pompeo planning to resign because Trump ‘hurting his reputation’, report claims

Posted in ITMFA | 14 Comments

So this became a thing

So this happened yesterday:

And it became a thing.

(Gawd, I love the internet. It proves my theory: We’re all 4th-graders at heart.)

Posted in Child's Anthology of Fart Jokes | 4 Comments

Tuesday’s Testimony Today!

“Noooooooo!”

We previously discussed Tuesday morning’s witness testimony, and so now we turn our jaundiced eyes to Tuesday’s afternoon hearing featured the two witnesses Republicans requested:

  • Kurt Volker, a former envoy to Ukraine
  • Tim Morrison, a former senior National Security Council official.

Were they the star witnesses Republicans had hoped they’d be? Not so much!

Volker testified that he didn’t think discussions of the 2016 Goat Rodeo conspiracy theories or the Bidens should have been a part of the U.S.’s national security strategy with Ukraine, and that the allegations against Biden were false.

Of course, Volker was more concerned with self-preservation  than being the fall guy for Prznint Stupid, so he said that he was out of the loop and totally unaware of any connection between the withheld security aid and investigations into the Bidens. “I know NOTHING!”

Volker said he should have seen the connection differently, and if he had, he “would have raised [his] own objections.” So it is the ol’ I’m too dumb to be a crook defense. Somewhere Junior Mints is dancing!

That said: text messages Volker turned over to House investigators show Ambassador Bill Taylor raising that exact concern to him. Whoopsie! Maybe he is dumb? Or maybe he’s a liar?

Then Morrison testified that E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him security assistance to Ukraine was conditioned on Ukraine making a public commitment to political investigations beneficial to Trump personally.

Morrison said that nobody had ever ordered him to bribe or extort Zelensky, but as we know that’s not the way the Mafia works, so while maybe accurate it is not necessarily true.

This exchange is key:

Swalwell: “How many times when you talked to your Ukrainian counterparts did you ask them to investigate the Bidens?”
Morrison: “Never, sir.”
Swalwell: “Why not?”
Morrison: “Sir, it was not a policy objective that I was aware of.”
Swalwell: “But with all due respect, Mr. Morrison, you’re not in the White House to carry out your policy objectives. You just testified that the President sets the foreign policy objectives for the United States and the one call that you listened to between the President of the United States and the president of Ukraine, the President of the United States priorities were to investigate the Bidens and I’m asking you, sir, why didn’t you follow up on the President’s priorities when you talked to the Ukrainians?”
Morrison: “Sir, I did not understand it as a policy objective.”

And that is the truth. Swalwell just quietly got a bit of whatever that fuzzy thing is on The Russian Usurper’s bean.

Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, ITMFA, Quid Meets Quo Goes Pro (Ukraine) | Leave a comment

2020 Goat Rodeo Debate Tonight!

The 2020 Goat Rodeo!

I don’t know how much enthusiasm I can muster to watch this, there are still way too many people on the stage (I really think that they should get their own zip code), and given all the news that will surely be made today with Sondland, this seems anti-climatic. Mayor Pete is alleged to be the lead goat tonight, so watching him get beat up should be the basis of whatever drinking game you choose.

Please don’t make a Grisham of yourselves.

Anyway, I’m told that the Death March With Cocktails begins 9 p.m. ET and will last 2 hours instead of 3 (Praise Jeebus!, though I think the praise belongs further south IYKWIMAITYD). MSNBC and the WaPo (NOT behind the paywall!) will stream it. You do NOT have to watch it on CNN this time! Yay!

Posted in 2020 Goat Rodeo | 1 Comment

Grisham is Shaken

Goat performs interpretive dance of Press Secretary Grishom’s work day.

Ingénue of the Fox News greenroom, White House Press Secretary Stephanie ‘Two Olives’ Grisham decided to project again:

…and of course later modified it when no proof was forthcoming, and the push-back was enormous.

It reminds me strangely of those same unproven stories about how Bill Clinton’s staff stole all the “w” keys from all the keyboards in the entire federal gubmint to put a pox on Chimpy’s incoming staff, which also turned out to be BS.

Now given how the Russian Usurper sees his job as to destroy the legacy of the Kenyan Usurper’s White House, if this was even remotely true, he would have been crowing about it and tweeting pictures and what not. Also: the Obama crew was pretty slick, and the burn would have been way better than You will fail.

Grisham has yet to hold a single press conference, what, 5 or 6 months into her high-paying job (“You’re welcome, b****” says the taxpayers), but she manages to get BS stories like this out before happy hour (8 AM?) to distract us nearly daily.

Posted in 4th Reich, snark, Stephanie Grisham | 4 Comments

BREAKING: Sondland to Testify, Implicate Trump

Rudderless Republicans

Axios Alert – They have EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s opening statement, and he drops the hammer on Prznint Stupid:

EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland will say Wednesday in the opening statement to his impeachment testimony that he worked with Rudy Giuliani “at the express direction” of President Trump on matters involving Ukraine.

Driving the news: Sondland will also confirm that a quid pro quo preconditioning a White House meeting in exchange for an investigation into the Biden family’s business dealings in Ukraine took place and “reflected President Trump’s desires and requirements.”

  • He also said that he believed that the resumption of military aid to the country came to be conditioned on a Biden-linked investigation as well.

[snip]

What he’ll say:

  • “We did not want to work with Mr. Giuliani. Simply put, we played the hand we were dealt. We all understood that if we refused to work with Mr. Giuliani, we would lose an important opportunity to cement relations between the United States and Ukraine. So we followed the President’s orders.”
  • “[A]t all times, I was acting in good faith. As a presidential appointee, I followed the directions of the president. We worked with Mr. Giuliani because the President directed us to do so. We had no desire to set any conditions on the Ukranians.”
  • “I know that members of this Committee have frequently framed these complicated issues in the form of a simple question: Was there a ‘quid pro quo?’ As I testified previously, with regard to the requested White House call and White House meeting, the answer is yes.”
  • “By the end of the August, my belief was that if Ukraine did something to demonstrate a serious intention to fight corruption, specifically addressing Burisma and 2016 server, then the hold on military aid would be lifted.”
  • “[A]t all times, our efforts were in good faith and fully transparent to those tasked with overseeing them. Our efforts were reported and approved. Not once do I recall encountering objection.”
Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, ITMFA, Quid Meets Quo Goes Pro (Ukraine) | 4 Comments

This Exists, Cont.

It’s a just-say-no styled campaign in the gret stet of Montana-South Dakota. I’m not so sure it is working in their favor, but I’ve had no less than 7 people tip me off to it over the past 2 days, so maybe?

As the policy goes here, he who smelt it, er, First in gets the prize, and by time/date stamps, that makes it Scissorhead Skinny-D with this link.

Posted in Just Say No | 12 Comments

News That Will Drive You to Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs: War on Christmas Edition

By now everyone has probably seen the Holiday Season branding commercial from Target, right? The one that inexplicably has a cover of 1977’s hit by Donna Summer “I Feel Love” as the background theme music.

It seems like an odd choice, as probably more people have associations with it of, um, grinding on the dance floor (shall we say?) than of decking the halls (unless your halls are very much more jolly than mine). Anyway, what gives?!

So I decided to do a little research on the song itself, and this article from Pitchfork was really eye-opening:

There are songs that divide pop history into Before and After. Some are incontestable: “She Loves You,” “Anarchy in the U.K.,” “Rapper’s Delight.”  Others are up for debate. Sometimes a song splits pop time in half without that many people noticing its revolutionary implications (think Phuture’s “Acid Tracks”), the impact fully emerging only later. Other times, the rupture in business-as-usual happens in plain view, at the peak of the pop charts, and the effect is immediate. One such pop altering single that was felt as a real-time future-shock is “I Feel Love.”

And I was ready to laugh it off, but I do think that those songs are revolutionary, so I read further and learned about the impact of this song:

Even now, long after discophobia has been disgraced and rockism defeated, there’s still a mischievous frisson to staking the claim that “I Feel Love” was far more important than other epochal singles of ’77 such as “God Save the Queen,” “Sheena Is a Punk Rocker,” or “Complete Control.” But really it’s a simple statement of fact: If any one song can be pinpointed as where the 1980s began, it’s “I Feel Love.”

And as an ’80s kid, my attention was got:

The reverberations of “I Feel Love” reached far beyond the disco floor, though. Then unknown but destined to be synth-pop stars in the ’80s, the Human League completely switched their direction after hearing the song. Blondie, equally enamored, became one of the first punk-associated groups to embrace disco. Brian Eno famously rushed into the Berlin recording studio where he and David Bowie were working on creating new futures for music, waving a copy of “I Feel Love.” “This is it, look no further,” Eno declared breathlessly. “This single is going to change the sound of club music for the next 15 years.”

And here’s the thing. Whereas when I first saw the commercial, I thought it was a strange choice of music, but then when I pay attention to the visuals it all begins to make sense.

Target is signaling a break.

There’s the old: normative depictions of straight, white, holiday celebrations, and now there’s our modern world: chosen families, mixing it up and combining in ways that Ward and June could never have foreseen.  It’s a rich palette of colors, on the walls, and in the families, it’s pretty glorious, and it indeed feels like love.

One more really glorious bit of work from Target: they sponsored Sam Smith, an openly gay man to cover the song. Subversion has never sounded so sweet.

Now before you come @ me, I know Target is a big, national chain, and with that comes all the problems of rapacious, late-era American Capitalism, but every little victory counts, and if Republicans want to have a fictional War on Christmas, I’m glad to have Target fire back at them and own it.

We know that the Evangelicals are going to be on this like white on a Baptist, so be prepared.

Posted in War on Christmas | 5 Comments

That Did Not End Well for the Rudderless Republicans

Rudderless Republicans

In the old Perry Mason show, the D.A. Hamilton Burger often has courtroom scenes that devolved into complete fiascos, but probably nothing like this:

Gym Jordan: “So your boss had concerns about your judgment. Your former boss, Dr. [Fiona] Hill, had concerns about your judgment. Your colleagues had concerns about your judgment. And your colleagues felt that there were times when you leaked information. Any idea why they have those impressions, Colonel Vindman?”

Not that you have to be Kreskin to surmise this line of attack from a C- student of strategy, but Lt. Col. Vindman absolutely was prepared, calmly picked up his performance review written by Dr. Fiona Hill, and read:

 “Alex is a top 1% military officer and the best Army officer I have worked with in my 15 years of government service. He is brilliant, unflappable, and exercises excellent judgment…Exemplary during numerous visits…I think you get the idea.”

And right about then, I think you can see Gym Jordan’s life flash before his eyes. Or maybe  what flashed before his eyes was his own performance appraisals from the University of Ohio where he is credibly involved in a sex abuse scandal from his days there as a wrestling coach.

Jordan is a dope to not have read the reviews himself before starting such a dumb line of attack. It’s a miracle that Jordan can dress himself in the morning.

Oh. Wait.

Posted in ITMFA, Quid Meets Quo Goes Pro (Ukraine) | 7 Comments