Spin a Funny Yarn in One Sentence

Who wants to play, spin a yarn about something stupid in one sentence? I’ll go first.

  • Katie, it’s spelled coddage cheese.
  • I thought Untouchables was pronounced oon-too-shabl-ays for an obscene amount of time.
  • At Rite-Aid, I was too afraid to pee in the facilities and wound up urinating on myself while walking home.

Your turn. Aaaaand, GO…

 

Posted in snark | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

This Exists

Yes, you too can have a farting monkey bubble machine! Click the image to go to the web store to purchase!

Whole new meaning to ‘bubble-butt.’

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Dennis Cole)

Posted in Bad Design | 6 Comments

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Our old pal Janet ‘Heartbeat Bill’ Porter (née Folger) is at it again, and this one is loopier than most of her other psycho-sexual scolds:

“How dare they jail pastors and close the doors of the church while the abortion industry remains open to spread the virus and put our lives at risk,” said Faith2Action President Janet Porter, who is joined by more than one hundred national leaders and thirty thousand medical professionals in calling for the abortion industry to close to stop the spread of COVID-19 found at [redacted – I don’t want them on my blog]

Um, Janet, unless group abortions are a thing (remember when she believed that the abortion-plex was real? Seriously: Abortion and a movie at the mall!), well I don’t think anyone needs to worry about social distancing. And you know what? Abortions are healthcare, and that is a vital service.

Posted in Choice, Forced Birth, Golden Schlafly, Janet (née Folger) Porter, Pandemics, Theocrats, War on Women | 3 Comments

There Will Always Be A Britain (Part Infinity)

It must be Goat Day!

And if you read through the thread you’ll learn a lot about the great goat invasion of 2020!

Anyway, this is in Wales and it shows how the goats are going to rule the world once we pesky hoomins are gone. I for one welcome our new overlords.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Karla on the Tweeters.)

Posted in Palate Cleansers | 6 Comments

Praise for Dear Leader…

Comrade Preznint Stupid picks his fights carefully.

Well, this is enough to gag a maggot:

President Donald Trump kicked off Monday’s press briefing on the coronavirus much like every other, by running through daily updates about the deadly virus and the White House efforts to eradicate it.

But unlike in typical briefings throughout the pandemic, in which various members of the administration discuss what their agencies are doing to combat the virus or help blunt its economic toll, Trump yielded the stage first to a handful of business leaders — one of them a staunch supporter who went off script in a moment of effusive praise for the president…

“God gave us grace on November 8, 2016, to change the course we were on,” [Mike Lindell of MyPillow] began, referencing the day Trump was elected president. “Taken out of our schools and lives, a nation had turned its back on God.”

Lindell then offered advice to families stuck at home because of various social-distancing guidelines: “I encourage you to use this time at home to get back in the Word, read our Bibles and spend time with our families.”

“Our president gave us so much hope. Where just a few short months ago, we had the best economy, the lowest unemployment, and wages going up, it was amazing,” he continued, as Trump stood behind him expressionless. “With our great president, vice president and this administration and all the great people in this country praying daily, we will get through this and get back to a place that’s stronger and safer than ever.”

Well, Lord Damp Nut is the self-proclaimed Chosen One, so you know, that one of his toadies and minions would make him into a golden cow is un unexpected..

Posted in Lord Damp Nut, The Russian Usurper, Pandemics | 19 Comments

Midday Palate Cleanser

“Hey baby, what’s your sign? I’m a Capricorn.”

Posted in Palate Cleansers | 2 Comments

Vote By Mail Update

Wrong kind of stamp for mail-in ballots

Axios starts the morning email thingie off with a state-of-play for voting by mail, which is suddenly an idea that the states are taking seriously:

With in-person elections on Nov. 3 looking iffier, states are racing to chip away age-old barriers to alternatives in time for the general election, Axios’ Stef Kight and Alexi McCammond write.

  • Why it matters: State laws and political calculations remain formidable obstacles to expanding voting options.
  • And the price tag for changes could top $2 billion.

The state of play: 12 states still don’t let all voters cast ballots by mail.

  • Massachusetts may not have time to change its state constitution to allow for more people to vote from home, the Massachusetts State Department told Axios’ Dan Primack. The spokesperson said they hoped the state legislature could figure out a fix.

And the brainiacs over at Electoral Vote see the politics of voting by mail is, um, real:

According to a new survey, two-thirds of voters have said they would be uncomfortable going to crowded polling places during a pandemic. It was previously expected that the 2020 turnout would break all records. It still might, not for the highest ever, but for the lowest ever. States are already struggling to deal with both the remaining primary elections (more below) and the November general election, but it is a huge problem since the voting system is so decentralized, with 50 states + D.C., over 3,100 counties, and a vast number of cities and towns involved, each one with its own laws, traditions, procurement procedures, attitudes, and history.

Voting-rights advocates are pleading for nationwide no-excuse absentee voting. Three states (Washington, Oregon, and Colorado) have gone even further and made all elections mail-in, but in the other 47 states, a patchwork of laws prevails. In theory, the other 47 states could quickly change their laws to match those of one of these states, but don’t count on it. The problem is that high turnout generally favors the Democrats and Republican state legislators know this very well…

Mailing 150 million or more ballots to registered voters and getting them back and counting (and maybe double counting) them is going to cost money. A lot of it. The COVID-19 law Donald Trump signed last week contains $400 million for election security, but experts say that is nowhere near enough to cover the costs of ballots, envelopes, postage, personnel, training, and voter education, not to mention safeguards against fraud. Wendy Weiser, vice president for democracy at the Brennan Center, said: “Everybody needs to contribute, but Congress really needs to pony up. My view is that they’re shortchanging our democracy right now and the American people.”

This is one to keep an eye on. There are currently 26 Republican governors and 24 Democrats, and I suspect this is going to break pretty much along those red-blue lines.

Posted in 2020 Goat Rodeo, Pandemics | 5 Comments

Another Good Ad

That’s gonna leave a mark.

Posted in Joe Biden, Lord Damp Nut, The Russian Usurper, Pandemics | 6 Comments

Quit Watching This Ad, It Hurts Comrade Stupid’s Fee-Fees

Hey guys, remember this ad? You know the one that has Lord Damp Nut’s panties in a twist? We talked about it like a decade ago, or maybe last week, and how he was threatening to sue broadcast stations that ran it and hinted darkly that they would have their broadcast licenses revoked?

If I were a gambler, I would call that a “tell.” He’s worried about his COVID-19 eff-up’ery being used against him, and as the bodies pile up, well, imagine the USA Today-style graph that will appear.

Anyway, it seems that his threats have gotten a lot of media attention, and when reporting about the threats, well, everyone is flocking to see the ad, and lo! it has gone viral on social media.I’ve read that on the Twitters alone, it has been viewed 15 MILLION Times, and while Facebook is mosdef Republican territory, it is trending there, too. Also.

Posted in 2020 Goat Rodeo, Lord Damp Nut, The Russian Usurper, Pandemics | 14 Comments

What is coronavirus revealing about you? She asked in jest

fuck coronavirus

Ranting and non-sequiturs abound.

I slept through the night, something I rarely do. I got lucky, and slept 7 hours of pain-free, uninterrupted sleep. Being a raging insomniac, I’ll take that action. The minute I woke up, I was looking forward to the day – me – weird. Why fight it, I thought. Stretching in bed, I was thinking about all the things I wanted to do today, exercise, write an article for MPS and tackle my most important projects.

Then I sat up…. We’re under quarantine. I got out of bed, how much glass can I destroy with my baseball bat? I started making my bed. Rage consumed me…

I fucking HATE this virus. I fucking hate isolation. Why did a stranger order a pink vibrator for me? I HATE THE COLOR PINK ON or, in this case, IN me. I can’t fucking see my psychiatrist or speak to him. I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. Stress has consumed my intestines. Medical PTSD feels like Russian nesting dolls in my fucking brain, working in concert to control my thought life. Why the fuck would the building I live in use blue orange flecked carpet in the hallways? C-vid is in this for personal gain, whereas Tangerine Hitler is ALL IN on political gain. Rent is due tomorrow! I need more pots and pans. Why? Which doctors are practicing eugenics when choosing who to vent? All Coronavirus roads lead back to Cunt. I’m running low on coffee. I need to talk to my psychiatrist. I wish I had more friends. Really? Nah. My hands are bone dry, no matter how much lotion I use.

Personally, I don’t believe disease has or ever will teach me anything. No good comes from a disease. It doesn’t make me a better, wiser person, or make me appreciate life more.

Trump coronavirus, tanked economy

As for Coronavirus, I am enraged because it didn’t need to happen. Under President Obama, we wouldn’t be under quarantine. Thousands of lives wouldn’t be dying every hour. Our economy would be thriving. No local official would have to stroke his ego for life saving supplies!

I can’t believe Trump and his minions, including whacked sperm face, Pence, haven’t been impeached for criminal negligence. Between their collective lies and Trump’s tweets about what meds to take, and denying blue states all the resources and supplies they need, Goldfish face is literally committing murder and shouldn’t be in a position of power, unless he’s a white supremacist’s power bottom IN PRISON.

I’m thinking of making some weird ass videos, but have no idea what I’d talk about. Any ideas, Scissorheads?

Quick shout out to a dear old friend who paid my health insurance for March. Can you believe that? I am so grateful to her and her husband. Had they not generously offered to do so, I wouldn’t be able to see my doctors (not that I can right now), or afford my prescriptions, or go to a hospital if necessary. I am beyond grateful to D and T. THANK YOU FOREVER.

Thank you for reading my nonsense.

Be safe and big social distancing hugs from Schwartz

Posted in snark | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment