This Exists (And We Need It)

Imma buy a case.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Dennis Cole)

Posted in Bad Marketing | 2 Comments

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

(stolen from Twitter)

China announced earlier on Friday that it would levy retaliatory tariffs ranging from 5% to 10% on $75 billion of U.S. goods in two batches on Sept. 1 and Dec. 15. You know, while Fed Chairman Powell was trying to calm everyone down after the Orange Menace was revving everyone up.

And then The Chosen One, Comrade Stupid tweeted the insane Seizing the Means of Production we covered earlier, and as an added bonus declared:

…and after The King of Israel tweeted that:

Cause and Effect
(Axios)

  • The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 2.37%.
  • The Nasdaq lost 3%
  • The S&P 500 lost 2.59%

And then, Tariffman said that he will tax $250 billion worth of goods and products from China at 30% instead of 25%, starting Oct. 1, and the remaining $300 billion worth of goods will be taxed at 15%, instead of 10%.

But Tariffman has an explanation for this madness:

COMEDY GOLD!!!

Are you tired of so much winning, yet?

Posted in 25th Amendment, 4th Reich, Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, The Miracle of the Trump Economy | 4 Comments

Midday Palate Cleanser

I’ve always believed that cats adopt you, not the other way around.

Also: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Posted in cats, Palate Cleansers | 4 Comments

Elmira Gantry Huckabee-Sanders To Cut Out The Middleman!

White House’s Truth Teller, Elmira Gantry Huckabee-Sanders

Fox News is rolling out the barrel for Elmira Gantry Huckabee-Sanders! What it is a barrel of, no one knows, but now instead of lying to reporters she will be lying directly to Possum Hollar. Congrats, Elmira!

Lachlan Murdoch allegedly is giving her an unlimited Sheets’n’Shit account for shower curtain couture.

Elmira will start by tipping over the Curvy Couch September 6.

Posted in Elmira Gantry the Possum Queen | 4 Comments

Local Communist Seizes Means of Production

Seething Rage.
(image courtesy Scissorhead MonkeyFister)


I thought I was done for the morning, but holy shitballs, our Stable Genius, King of Israel, the Chosen One, Comrad Trump continues to prove to us that the 25th Amendment needs to be invoked now:

Congrats, America, the Comrade Prznint has seized the means of production. Beet harvest report to come soon from 5-year agricultural reform.

Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper | 9 Comments

Gun Debate: Opinions Differ!

Jr. Mints and Poo

They’re on, they’re off, who knows what Comrade Stupid and his gun expert Junior Mints are really thinking? Haha, trick question! What’s in it for them is always the answer to that question!

The WaPo tells us that the Republicans are so desperate to do nothing that Prznint Stupid now wants to identify potential mass shooters based on behavioral indicators, rather than just make it harder for people to get guns.

“The proposal is part of a larger initiative to establish a new agency called the Health Advanced Research Projects Agency or HARPA, which would sit inside the Health and Human Services Department. Its director would be appointed by the president, and the agency would have a separate budget, according to three people with knowledge of conversations around the plan…”
“The Suzanne Wright Foundation re-approached the administration last week and proposed that HARPA include a “Safe Home” — “Stopping Aberrant Fatal Events by Helping Overcome Mental Extremes” — project. Officials discussed the proposal at the White House last week, said two people familiar with the discussions. These people and others spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the conversations.”

If it has a cool acronym like SAFEHOME, Stupid will be all over it, except it has too many letters and he’ll eff-it-up, bigly.

Kreskin you do not have to be to know how Hair Füror will use potential thought crimes on his enemies. And besides,  Republicans hate identity politics? Haha, I jest!

So where does that leave us?

Posted in Guns! Guns! Guns! | 7 Comments

Satan Throws Another Log On The Fire for David Koch’s Homecoming!

Billionaire David Koch’s life work of making hell-on-earth is now with the Boss (🎵 Below, below below ♬ ) in the favorite son suite in the lake of burning pitch.

He was 79. Henry Kissinger is still alive.

Posted in Dead Celebrities, Monsters | 6 Comments

Crocodile Tears From #MoscowMitch

Moscow Mitch
(H/T Raw Story via Skinny Dennis)

How good of an idea is it for Democrats to abolish the filibuster if we win the Senate? I’ll tell you!

It’s so good that amply be-chinned #MoscowMitch McConnell wrote a panicked New York Times op-ed about how the Dims shouldn’t do that:

“The legislative filibuster is directly downstream from our founding tradition. If that tradition frustrates the whims of those on the far left, it is their half-baked proposals and not the centuries-old wisdom that need retooling. No Republican has any trouble imagining the laundry list of socialist policies that 51 Senate Democrats would happily inflict on Middle America in a filibuster-free Senate.”

That sounds like a tell to me! He must be afraid of losing the the most undemocratic (small “dee”) institution in the US Gubmint, the Senate, with the most undemocratic, and arcane rules ever.

We note that #MoscowMitch got rid of the filibuster for presidential appointees and Supreme Court appointees, so you know, cry us a river that tastes like Merrick Garland.

Posted in Amply Be-Chinned #MoscowMitch McConnell | 1 Comment

#ITMFA Update

Dump Trump (ITMFA!) and the Republicans

We gots us some good news!

Reps. David Trone (D-MD), Dutch Ruppersberger (D-MD), and Brad Schneider (D-IL) have all come out in favor of impeachment proceedings against Donald Trump in the past 24 hours. We are over 130 members in favor now!

But Wait! There’s More!

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) breathlessly tells us that Jerry Nadler has written a letter!

“House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler on Thursday asked four House panels investigating President Donald Trump to share documents and other information to aid his committee’s investigation into whether to file articles of impeachment against the president.

“In a letter to the chairs of four key investigative committees, Nadler (D-N.Y.) asked for “documents and testimony, depositions, and/or interview transcripts” that might be relevant to the Judiciary Committee’s ongoing impeachment probe.”

sadly shakes head

You mean that the other committees were not already sharing?

Meanwhile, Axios morning email thingie bums us out, too. Also:

House Democrats, stymied by President Trump’s resistance and a long path in court, “appear increasingly unlikely” to get his tax returns before the 2020 election, per the WashPost:

  • For the court challenge to be resolved by then would require a “perfect straight,” a legal expert says.

Why it matters: Key Democrats “say that if they are going to impeach the president, they have to do so before the end of the year.”

Labor Day. I’m still predicting that something “official” happens after Labor Day.

Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, dim-o-crats, ITMFA | 3 Comments

UPDATED: The Adventures of Tariffman Continues!

Tariffman!

Uh-Oh:

  • The Chinese State Council says it’s slapping tariffs ranging from 5% to 10% on $75 billion U.S. goods in two batches effective on Sept. 1 and Dec. 15.
  • It also said a 25% tariff will be imposed on U.S. cars and a 5% on auto parts and components, which will go into effect on Dec.15. China had paused these tariffs in April.
  • Sept. 1 and Dec. 15 are when President Donald Trump’s latest tariffs on Chinese goods are to take effect.

This announcement comes as Jerome Powell was giving an economics speech at a conference in Jackson Hole, and so the press will focus on the retaliation vs. whatever he was going to talk about. In other words, China has learned some of Tariffman’s attention-grabbing techniques:

Axios email:

  • The tariffs are a direct response to President Trump’s announcement earlier this month that the U.S. would levy 10% tariffs on the remaining $300 billion of U.S. imports from China on Sept. 1 — with some of those tariffs pushed back to Dec. 15 to account for the holiday season.
  • Dow futures had been green all morning, but flipped to red on the news of the tariffs.

The bottom line: So if not a China trade deal, what then is left to juice Trump’s economy and stave off recession? Axios again:

  • Tax cuts? Not going to happen.
  • Infrastructure? Not going to happen.
  • Federal Reserve rate cuts? Probably. But how much will these expected cuts actually achieve?

As we are now more likely than not sliding into a recession, this is one less retaining to stop it from slamming into us.

UPDATE 1: He’s on it!

Posted in Comrade Preznint Stupid, The Russian Usurper, The Miracle of the Trump Economy, Trade Wars | 2 Comments