Shorter Cardinal Douthat


“If only the hippies had not discovered sex, there would be no poor people.”

That idea makes some people on the left angry. As they see it, it’s money and only money that Murray’s Fishtown and Putnam’s hometown lack and need. And it’s unchecked capitalism and Republican stinginess, not the sexual revolution, that has devastated working-class society over the last few decades. Fight poverty, redistribute wealth, and you’ll revive family and community — it’s as simple as that.

So here’s the moral of the lesson (see what I did there?): have sex-phobic, professional scold Ross Douthat sign your permission slips before you get your freak on.

The Adventures of Ross Douthat, Boy Reporter

Anatomy of a Column


he door to the boudoir shut with a definite click and Ross Douthat heard the lock set. Once again Abbie, his long-suffering wife, condemned him to sleep on the couch. Alone.

“You know,” he shouted at the locked door, “other couples sleep together sometimes.” The silence was deafening. “Everyone’s doin’ it, except for me,” he muttered to himself, as he put the sex toy back in the box. He would return it to the shop in the morning. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now looking back on it, maybe the plan had some flaws.

“It’s all about winning, life is,” Douthat noted that the ends justify the means, and Abbie should forgive him for wanting to win. So what if there were embarrassing toys. What’s sportsmanship got to do with connubial bliss?

“Maybe like Roger Clemens,” mused Douthat staring at the bottle of blue pills, “I shouldn’t use performance-enhancing drugs. Maybe I should be judged just on my ability and on the field of play, where pitches are thrown and swings are taken, and everything else fades into irrelevance.”


What Roger Clemens Wants, by Ross Douthat

Shorter Ross Douthat:

Assimilation is the upside of discrimination.”

What an assrocket.

Shorter Ross Douthat:

One gets the feeling that if he just tries a little harder, Douthat will be eligible for AARP benefits before he reaches the ripe old age of 30. Nevertheless the young hound is on his porch, metamucil in hand, and ready to yell at the punks should they get close to his lawn.

Anyway, in a nutshell, here is the Neckbeard’s column today:

President Carebear has achieved more liberal successes than Lyndon Johnson — and therefore liberal disappointment with The Carebear for not doing still more is proof that liberalism is “running out of time.”

I’m guessing Abigail still has not let Ross enter the boudoir. He’s getting a little blind, clearly.

Ross Douthat: When Feminism was in Flower

It was bound to happen. That young hound, Ross Douthat, today writes that the primaries last Tuesday mark the beginning of true feminism:

When historians set out to date the moment when the women’s movement of the 1970s officially consolidated its gains, they could do worse than settle on last Tuesday’s primaries.

You see, women did not really count in the conservative world view until this moment some 40 years after the bra-burnings of the ’70s, and all it took was for a group of conservative women to win various primaries. It helps that all of them hold anti-woman positions such as restricting choice.

Because in the GOP world, every sperm is sacred and women still are expected to know their place. And to bring coffee to the men, as Tex would say.

No Mystique About Feminism, by Ross Douthat

Ross Douthat hates designer genes

Terrible Xristian Xrazy scold and noted Momma’s Boy, Ross Douthat, has decided that somehow or other, children that are born from fertility treatments (read sperm and egg donors) have some sort of fundamental inferiority complex, because they are engineered.

It’s really quite a startling column, Ross found some people at a Xristianist foundation laying the groundwork for creating some sort of sanctions on people who want to have babies on their own (out of wedlock), or who cannot have babies on their own for whatever reason. The designer gene market is unregulated, why anyone, Anyone, ANYONE can have a baby if they have the money to get fertilized. It’s a scandal!

And Douthat notes that it is more difficult to adopt a baby than it is to have one, or have a donor. Bristol Palin could have told him this, and saved him 800 words but he needed a column.

Douthat cites this study which claims that these engineered Americans want to know more about where they came from, who the donor is, etc. He pays special attention (as did the study) to the fear that these people might end up in a sexual relationship with siblings and not know about it!

And both he and the study do not mention that these people might actually be interested to know their family health history – which a lot of my adopted friends tell me is the only reason that they want to track down their biological parents. I’ve never heard one mention the fear of incest.

Douthat does not seem to recall the blood test that he and Abbie had when they got married, you know, the one that assures you that you are not shtupping your or half sister, or whatever.

Douthat also fails to mention, or think about are the number of bastards that exist already, and the number of kids born from extra-marital affairs that have no idea that they are not who they think they are; and trust me, there are plenty. This story is as old as mankind, and certainly as old a Xristianity. I seem to recall a cuckold husband and father…

The proper thing to do, of course, is only have children the way that God and Nature insisted upon: married, procreational sex, and you better not enjoy it. This is 19th century thinking parading as if it were ripped from the headlines.

The Birds and the Bees (via the Fertility Clinic) – by Ross Douthat

Shorter Ross Douthat:

“Let’s give each other reach-arounds, Rand!”

In eight-hundred tedious words, The Neckbeard lubes up and spurts out a self-serving column that tells us how Rand Paul should have, could have, and would have avoided the charges of latent racism. Douthat never suggests that Rand should apologize for it, and he also says that the self-proclaimed poster-boy of the Teabaggers does not represent the Teabaggers. He does this well-oiled reach-around for the good of the movement, and the good of Ross Douthat, boy genius.

Douthat is yet another dissembler in the fine tradition of Bobo Brooks (who is probably the only man alive that could lie while ordering a sammie at the deli, you know, just for the sake of lying), who tries to find a way to ignore or misinterpret history (and current events) when it completely invalidates his world view; The Neckbeard is a citizen of the United States of Amnesia. Douthat, literally born in the dawn of the Saint Ronnie era, has only known The Big Lie and is so intellectually still-born that he would never question supply side theory or any other tenet of Movement Conservatism. Where we see colossal, global failure as economies all over the world collapse from the Goldman Sachs’ Ponzi Scheme, the Movement Conservatives see a hallow victory as the welfare of millions around the globe come crashing down, and Government social safety nets are torn, tattered, and now being tossed away.

Anyway, Douthat’s defense of Rand is a rote, paint by numbers defense of Libertarianism — which does not need any defense, Libertarianism speaks for itself, and like every political philosophy has good and bad points. Douthat knows that if Rand Paul, the novice Libertarian politician who in his victory speech declared himself a Teabagger, is tainted by his own racist, classist, and corporatist political positions, it will taint Teabaggers, Libertarians, and Movement Conservatives. And it will taint Ross Douthat, too.

(The Principles of Rand Paul, by Ross Douthat)

Shorter Ross Douthat:

“The other pope did it too, kinda.”

Ross Douthat writes another children’s fable.

The ol’ Neckbeard lubed up and banged out another one. Er, column that is. And it is a douzie.

You see, he doesn’t like the new Matt Damon flick, The Greenzone, because it does not cover the shades of gray of how we got into the Iraq War. “But the film itself, a slam-bang account of the hunt for weapons of mass destruction, has the same problem as nearly every other Hollywood gloss on recent political events: it refuses to stare real tragedy in the face, preferring the comforts of a “Bush lied, people died” reductionism.”

The narrative of the Iraq invasion, properly told, resembles a story out of Shakespeare. You had a nation reeling from a terrorist attack and hungry for a response that would be righteous, bold and comprehensive. You had an inexperienced president trying to tackle a problem that his predecessors (one of them his own father) had left to fester since the first gulf war. You had a cause — the removal of a brutal dictator, and the spread of democracy to the Arab world — that inspired a swath of the liberal intelligentsia to play George Orwell and embrace the case for war. You had a casus belli — those weapons of mass destruction — that even many of the invasion’s opponents believed to be a real danger to world peace. And you had Saddam Hussein himself, the dictator in his labyrinth, apparently convinced that pretending to have W.M.D. was the best way to keep his grip on power.

And in one paragraph Ross, you prove that the reductionism of Bush Lied, People Died is absolutely correct. Shakespeare would tell the truth, Ross. He always did. You might want to read some. Might I suggest King Lear?

The story behind the story of Douthat’s Elf Column

Anatomy of a column

Mock, Paper, Scissors obtained this exclusive footage of Ross Douthat “researching” his Elfin column. (Errr, or maybe I made another movie.)

And now you know…