Metaphors Are Hard, Jonah!

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[Note to Tim Cook if you happen to be reading Mock, Paper, Scissors: Please do not move ahead with any plans to introduce Odor-ama technology. The stench coming from the National Review Online website is already too great to bear. –Thanks, Tengrain]

We once again find ourselves drawn to the National Review Online, where the World’s Best Son and legacy hire Jonah Goldberg hangs his fetid diaper and from time to time bangs out what he surely feels is witty repartee. Being one of the youngest writers at the oldest white supremacy pamphlets Doughy Pantload does bring a certain colorful pop culture influence to what is by now quite ossified and bleached white prose, like Buckley’s bones in the high desert of Arizona or wherever the hell it is that they have his relics stashed.

Anyway, he writes about the Clintons:

“There are legends in Little Rock of how a young Billy Clinton was on a school field trip to a laboratory when, through an unlikely series of events, a radioactive hustler bit him on the hand, giving him unearthly powers of flim-flammery and deception. The earnest lad was suddenly transformed.”

Or so says the son of the woman who set up Monica Lewinsky, who is seems to me is the radioactive hustler in this scenario, but let us not quibble over the details. Yet.

If you are still with us, then you understand that Bill Clinton, like Spiderman, has some extra-human abilities accidentally thrust upon him from a radioactive Goldberg.

Let’s try to keep following the narrative…

“I have no doubt Bill believes that he uses his powers for good, but with the pimpish midichlorians coursing through his veins, he can’t help himself. Over time, as he continually escapes the snares reality and morality typically set for mortal men, he has come to have a sense of entitlement and immunity about it all. Like the hazardous driver who’s never had a crash or the lucky investor who’s never lost money, he just thinks: This is the way reality works. Even when a black swan hits him in the grill, he talks his way out of it.”

He talks his way out of a black swan on his grill? Oooo-kay…

So now, Bill Clinton, as a Spiderman of sorts, is beyond mere mortal men, which is odd as he is fundamentally a mortal, and of course Spiderman is also a hero, so Jonah’s metaphor is already on strange, wobbly legs.

Let’s continue, shall we?

“The tragedy for Hillary Clinton is that she is all too human. As Bill’s mortal sidekick, she’s had a good ride. But whereas Bill has an almost Jedi-like ability to lie convincingly — “these aren’t the interns you’re looking for” — Hillary has no superpowers to fall back on. She just has to grind it out. Like Syndrome in The Incredibles or the entire cast of Kick-Ass, she has to compensate for a lack of raw superpowers through guile and technology — and minions, lots and lots of minions. They do her dirty work for her. They burrow into the bureaucracy and cover for her. They get appointed to commissions and erect firewalls against accountability. They tell her what she wants to hear and explain how all bad news is someone else’s fault. They scrub the paper trail. They even shove classified evidence in their pants, if that is what is required. As Renfield to her huband’s [sic] Dracula, Otis to his Lex Luthor, Gogo Yubari to his O-Ren Ishii , Alistair Smythe to his Kingpin, Tom Hagen to his Don Corleone, Bizarro World Radar O’Reilly to his evil Colonel Potter, she has amassed considerable resources and abilities of her own…”

So… Bill is immortal, Hillary is not? The Spiderman metaphor is cast asunder, and now the Clintons are mortal, buffoonish cartoonish villains from various assorted pop culture references. Instead of being arch-fiends, all of them end up being caught or killed—with the exception of Radar O’Reilly, and Blog only knows what that is about. Perhaps Jonah ate a bad shrimp?

“…His superpowers did not rub off on her [TG – Wait! I thought you just shifted them to cartoon villains?], and to assume they did is to confuse the elephant for the guy sweeping up behind it. The thing is, Hillary’s been riding shotgun on all those hairpin turns with Bill behind the wheel for so long she thinks she can do what he does. She can’t. It’s understandable, of course. The great ones always make it look easy.”

The great ones always make it look easy. Which includes writing, me thinks.

The thing with Jonah Goldberg is that he confuses being clever with being smart, and as he is neither of clever nor smart, his prose is just sort of tortured and stinky. Metaphors are hard to pull off, like a well-loaded diaper, and you must be prepared for what awaits when you try.

Doughy Pantload Defends The Spanish Inquisition

If someone can explain to me why a secular country has a prayer breakfast, I’d be grateful, but in the meanwhile feast your eyes on what the Kenyan Usurper said while at it that got Y’all Qaeda’s tighty very whiteys in a knot:

But we also see faith being twisted and distorted, used as a wedge — or, worse, sometimes used as a weapon. From a school in Pakistan to the streets of Paris, we have seen violence and terror perpetrated by those who profess to stand up for faith, their faith, professed to stand up for Islam, but, in fact, are betraying it. We see ISIL, a brutal, vicious death cult that, in the name of religion, carries out unspeakable acts of barbarism — terrorizing religious minorities like the Yezidis, subjecting women to rape as a weapon of war, and claiming the mantle of religious authority for such actions.

…Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history. And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ. In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ…

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Which has set off Michelle Malkkkin’s Flaying Monkee Brigade, that happy fella at The Catholic League Bill Donohue, and of course noted theologian Jonah Goldberg who would raise a crusade if you got between him and the shrimp platter on the NRO Cruz (warning shot to K-Lo). We will examine Doughy Pantload’s response because why not?

And on Thursday, President Obama seized the opportunity of the National Prayer Breakfast to forthrightly criticize the “terrible deeds” . . . committed “in the name of Christ.”

…But, as odd as it may sound for a guy named Goldberg to point it out, the Inquisition and the Crusades aren’t the indictments Obama thinks they are. For starters, the Crusades — despite their terrible organized cruelties — were a defensive war.

…which is why the Crusaders left England to fight in the Middle East and everywhere else?

As for the Inquisition, it needs to be clarified that there was no single “Inquisition,” but many. And most were not particularly nefarious. For centuries, whenever the Catholic Church launched an inquiry or investigation, it mounted an “inquisition,” which means pretty much the same thing.

Oh, so it was semantics? Xristians were not torturing the Jews in Spain, they were using enhanced interrogation techniques. (oh wait. That one’s been used somewhere.) Enthusiastically evangelizing Jews to death for 100 years makes for a strange branding case.

I cannot defend everything done under the various Inquisitions — especially in Spain — because some of it was indefensible. But there’s a very important point to make here that transcends the scoring of easy, albeit deserved, points against Obama’s approach to Islamic extremism (which he will not call Islamic): Christianity, even in its most terrible days, even under the most corrupt popes, even during the most unjustifiable wars, was indisputably a force for the improvement of man.

The Crusades were just misunderstood and if only you knew them better…

I’m not sure who Doughy is addressing (actually I am: the fetus-fondling god-botherers and mouth-breathing paste-eaters of Wingnuttia who pay his salary and probably are a bit suspicious of him because, well, you know), but if a modern-day Xristian has such delicate fee-fees that the Spanish Inquisition needs to have a charm school makeover from a jewish apologist, maybe the problem is the Xristians?

And let’s be honest: if Y’all Qaeda could change the US from a democracy to a theocracy, they would do it in a heartbeat, and they would have all the iron cages and firewood ready too.

2-Drink Minimum: The Comedy Stylings of Jonah Goldberg

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Why do I even look at the NRO (the most intellectually dishonest rest-stop on the information superhighway)? Oh, that’s right! So I can see what would-be public intellectual, legacy hire, and the Worlds Best Son is pontificating about today. And Doughy Pantload never lets me down:

[T]here’s an old joke in the newspaper business, now immortal on the Internet:

“The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie-chart format. . . .

“Mmmm… pie,” Jonah didn’t mutter. And if he stopped there, it would be fine.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much . . . ”

And so on. The list gets updated from time to time, and it usually includes, “The National Inquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.” You get the point.

Jonah never learned the Comedians Prime Directive: Never explain the joke. Of course, Jonah also has no respect for his audience to get the joke, and he may be right about that.

I don’t have the space to rehash the Federalist Papers, but at the federal level there are three branches of government and each one monkey-wrenches the other, all the time. Meanwhile, do you know how many local governments there are in the United States?

“Where’s that pie?,” Jonah barked at the lowly intern.

Some interesting copy editing there. I don’t have the space to rehash the Federalist Papers, but… Meanwhile… I suspect that K-Lo was on the editing desk that day, also weeping to Our Savior about Pie.

Anyway, the column entitled (see what I did there?) “Who’s Running the Country?” continues on for 800 words or so, mostly saying no one is running it (so much for Liberal Fascism), and then concludes thusly:

Me? I like knowing no one is running things because, for starters, it means I’m free.

800 words and that’s the conclusion. Well, thanks for the pie Jonah.

As Miss Janet Jackson Once Sang…

Both Sides Redux

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“…what have you done for me lately?”

Every good liberal worth their salt knew the moment that Steve Scalise’s (Republikkkan – LA) friendship with David Duke and other white supremacists was brought to the nation’s attention, that Wingnuttia was going to immediately bring up that late Democratic Senator Robert Byrd once belonged to the KKK, and that The Kenyan Usurper belonged to Rev. Wright’s church (“Reverse Racism!,” they screamed) and of course, Al Sharpton, whom The Confederacy thinks is Nat Turner reincarnated.

So it comes as little surprise that noted white power scandal sheet The National Review would put their favorite legacy hire and the best son in the world Jonah Goldberg onto the job of proclaiming false equivalency. And boy-howdy! does Doughy Pantload deliver the goods!

…Countless conservatives want to know: Why the double standard? Barack Obama was friends with a domestic terrorist, Bill Ayers. His spiritual mentor was a vitriolic racist, Jeremiah Wright. One of his administration’s closest advisers and allies is Al Sharpton, a man who has inspired enough racial violence to make a grand dragon’s white sheets turn green with envy.

Meanwhile, the Democratic party venerated the late senator Robert Byrd, a former Klansman himself. He was one of 19 senators (all Democrats) to sign the Southern Manifesto opposing integration. One of his co-signers was William Fulbright, Bill Clinton’s mentor.

And so it goes. Wingnuttia is as predictable as it is dense on the subject of race. We can go performa here and cite that the GOP was founded by Lincoln and that they fought for, and signed on to the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but then it always goes silent, and Miss Jackson is warming up. So what have you done for Rick Santorum’s friends, the Blahs, lately?

We can start from Nixon-Reagan Southern Strategy and work our way forward, but I don’t think we need to. The Republicans have reformulated, regrouped, and rebranded. They now are the Confederacy reborn, they are working at rewriting our history to say (dog whistle ahead) that the Civil War was about States Rights, African Americans were better off as slaves (because generational poverty brought on by lack of opportunity is The New Slavery), and of course the Curse of Ham always subtly mentioned by Y’all Qaeda thrown in for good measure.

These are the people who would be delighted to tell Oliver Twist that he cannot have more soup.

UPDATE, and here’s a headline that’s gonna leave a mark: Much of David Duke’s ’91 Campaign Is Now in Louisiana Mainstream

He’ll Know Torture When He Sees It

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Jumpin’ Jehova! The Worlds Best Son and Legacy Hire Jonah Goldberg wrote a tortured column on torture:

It’s true that torture is to some extent in the eye of the beholder. Everyone can agree that hot pokers, the rack, and the iron maiden qualify. But loud music, sleep deprivation, and even waterboarding? At first, maybe not. But over time, yes. Torture can be a lot like poison: The dosage matters.

This coming from someone who writes at The National Review indeed knows something about dosage and torture. My snarky betters over at Alicublog won the internets with the best line of the day: “After several grafs of what-is-torture from someone who probably would start naming names if you took away his appetizer…”

But do continue, Mr. Pantload:

One of the great problems with the word “torture” is that it tolerates no ambiguity. It is a taboo word, like racism or incest. Once you call something torture, the conversation is supposed to end. It’s a line no one may cross.

So torture is like f***ing your sister? Just how does one make this determination? Note to Jonah’s Mom: talk to Jonah’s siblings, there might be some back story here that needs exploring.

Shallow thoughts from Doughy Pantload

I’m glad that Top Chef got an award, but I hope the producers of the show don’t get confused and think they earned it because of this year’s really annoying season. If Nancy Pelosi’s going to have any more cameos on reality shows, let it be on Survivor or Jersey Shore (Fear Factor‘s gone, right?).

Who says conservatives have no humor?

(From the NRO, the most intellectually dishonest rest stop on the Superinformation Highway.)

Draw up the impeachment papers, Doughy Pantload has the goods!

He spent about the same amount of research time as for his coloring book, Liberal Fascism:

Doughy Pantload: Obama said on The View yesterday that he didn’t know who Snooki is. But here’s Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner:

Obama: “Of course, that’s not the only thing that we’ve been accused of socializing this year. You might have heard we passed a health care bill and — (applause.) Is that Roger Ailes applauding out there? (Laughter.) Some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions. That’s ridiculous. There aren’t a few secret provisions in the health care plan — there are, like, hundreds. (Laughter.)

Obama: “Tonight, in the interest of transparency, I’d like to share a couple. Let’s see — this provision is called the Bay State of Denial. It reads: “This bill shall cover short-term memory loss related to the passage of Massachusetts health care reform.” So, good news, Mitt, your condition is covered. (Laughter.)

Obama: “This next provision is called the Jersey Shore-Up. It reads: “The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill.” Snooki, J-WOWW, the Situation, and House Minority Leader John Boehner. (Laughter.)”

Yup, the Blog at Poo Corner, the most intellectually dishonest rest stop on the Information Superhighway, does it again! You got him dead to rights, Doughy, and if it was good enough to earn Big Dawg an impeachment, well, the Kenyan Usurper is doomed now!

Obama, the GOP Villagers, and Hitler

If you read the article that Mooselini references, you will see that in essence Thomas Sowell is accusing the Administration of Fascism on the way to Nazi-ism. Given the way that the Right continually pulls out the trope that the Left ( in particular) compared Chimpy to Hitler (which isn’t true) and the way they scream foul to this day, it seems a little beyond the pale that the intellectually lazy and disingenuous Sowell is being given any accommodation, let alone by Mooselini, who often wails about how she is so mistreated and compared to Hitler.

So what did the right say when two contributors to MoveOn submitted commercials to a contest that depicted Chimpy as Hitler?

The Google tells us…

…the whole thing seemed, as far as I could tell, to be motivated by an incoherent and sputtering animus toward Bush.

–Rich Lowry

I don’t say this because I feel a passionate need to defend George Bush. I would make the exact same points if Al Gore were president. I would make the exact same points if anybody running for the Democratic nomination were president. This has nothing to do with partisanship. It has to do with the fact that such comparisons are slanderous to the United States and historical truth and amount to Holocaust denial. When you say that anything George Bush has done is akin to what Hitler did, you make the Holocaust into nothing more than an example of partisan excess.

— Jonah Goldberg

A staple of Bush-hating is the portrayal of the president as a Nazi. That has, of course, been a prominent part of other attacks against other presidents, but today it seems to be deployed with particular aggressiveness against Bush. There are thousands of references, across the vastness of the Internet, linking Bush to Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich.
— Byron York

…portrayals of Bush as Adolf Hitler — as we saw and heard in the “human-rights” protests — betray an ignorance of liberty, an ignorance of right and wrong, an ignorance of commonsense.

— Bill Bennet

So what gives with this crazy popular analogy—one that on a typical Internet Google search of “Bush” + “Hitler” yields about 1,350,000 matches? …But something has gone terribly wrong with a mainstream Left that tolerates a climate where the next logical slur easily devolves into Hitlerian invective.

–Victor Davis Hanson

(I just did a query on Obama and Hitler and got back over 7 Million hits, something of an increase over what VDH experienced. It’s a silly unit of measure, but the very silly Hanson used it first, so this is just as legitimate as his first use of it.)

Okay, so where are these same outraged gentlemen now? Jonah, because you said you would defend anyone (even Al Gore) against these types of accusations, where are you? Why are they not speaking up?

Oh, I forgot the mention: the Sowell piece appeared on the NRO, so I guess that means that they all endorsed it, especially ol’ Starburst who is the editor, and presumably made the decision to let ‘er rip.

GOP adds another scalp to the mantle

Helen Thomas will retire effective immediately, following her indiscrete and frankly, stupid, comments. Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot at the twilight of a long and distinguished career.

So the question is, will Mooselini et al start doing their end-zone victory dance, and add Helen’s scalp next to Dan Rather’s? I’m guessing we will hear the gloating sound in 3… 2… 1…

Doughy Pantload weighs in.

Mike Huckabee, noted Middle-East scholar weighs in. (Huckabee, you might recall, previously said that the Palestinians should move out of Palestine…)

In his own words…

[Obama]’s even less likely to use nukes than the president in Independence Day, and that Bill Pullman character first needed to mind-meld with one of the aliens to be extra-super-sure that they were evil conquerors. The fact that most of America’s — and the world’s leading cities — had been obliterated wasn’t enough. After all, it could have been a misunderstanding.

— Doughy Pantload

(And yes, he really wrote that, and no, you are not missing any context. Hat tip: Attaturk.)