Where were conservatives when the divorce rate got out of hand?
Phyllis: They were quietly raising their own families.
Let’s fact-check that one:
Twice-married Saint Ronnie–divorced Jane Wyman and married Nancy “Just Say No” Davis (pregnant, so obviously she sometimes said yes). Never attended his children’s weddings.
Twice-married Grandpa Walnuts–divorced wife #1 after she was disfigured in a car accident to marry booze heiress that he affectionately calls The C-Word.
Triple-married Rudy Giulianni–he loved his family so much, he even married his cousin. Between marriages he shacked up with some gay pals. Estranged from his children.
Triple-married Newtie Gingrich–serial adulterer, he always cheated on the current wife with the next incumbent. The man had standards, but clearly the wives did not. Calista Blow Job Queen #3 converted him to Catholicism.
Quadruple-married Junkie Limbaugh–the less said the better.
Arizonastan must be a magical place, full of wingnuts, old air conditioners, and singing frogs. Anyway, their crazy crackpot and racist governor Jan Bradey Brewer produced a commercial with a puppet that resembles the other famous Arizona puppet, Grandpa Walnuts, if he were not a cave fish. HENNNNNNGGGH?!
Jeebus, horrible old cave-fish monster Grandpa Walnuts 2.0 has put everything on the table in his vampire-like quest for eternal senatorial life, and is now friends with the US Chamber of Commerce. You may recall that in Grandpa Walnuts 1.x that he he fought the Chamber, vigorously, when he was opposed to Chimpy’s Tax Cuts for the Rich program and fighting for Campaign Finance Reform.