Glenn Beck: Preznint Maker!

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range conspiracy theorist and noted prepper-grifter Glenn Beck holds the keys to victory for Senator Ted Cruzthe man with Joe McCarthy’s good looks and Richard Nixon’s sweat glands—at least according to Beck:

“I had a great conversation with Ted Cruz on Friday night, and it was just a personal call, just a chat for just a few minutes, and we talked about the importance of prayer. And in this conversation he told me that he had spent about two hours with his children and his wife in prayer, making the final decision this week. And I have to tell you, that means the world to me,” Glenn said.

Ooooookay. And then, you know, to seal the deal as it were, Cruz talked to him again, immediately after the announcement!

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck tells us that if Net Neutrality is preserved that Apple and Microsoft will move out of the country. I suppose now we must add computer punditry to his MPS Honorific.

Some Fries With Your Stupid?

“Listen to me carefully, America. Listen to me. This may actually save your life someday. I want you to remember this: whatever the government says to do, don’t!”

–Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck offering advice on Ebola-driven panic.

Here’s Your Eggs With a Side of Stupid

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck promotes a charter school that uses happy-slaves Civil War fabulism as a text book:

It’s a longish clip but Beck is at the peak of his midseason form.

Here’s Your Eggs With a Side of Stupid

horny beck surreal

“[Children at the border] fleeing revolution. Imagine yourself, in 10 years, waiting at the Canadian border.”

–Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck trying to drum up some empathy from Wingnuttia, and fomenting revolution at the same time.

Will you be ready when the Zombies attack?

Glenn Beck is. He’s now shilling survivalist food rations for the inevitable uprising and doom that good Americans face:

“I want to talk to you about the changing world that we live in. I want to talk to you about a company that I found called Food Insurance,” Beck says in a segment of his radio show featured on Food Insurance’s website. “We have health insurance, this is real food insurance.”

“I finished my food storage, and I couldn’t believe how relieved I was,” Beck continues. “I remember sitting down on the stairs of the basement and looking at it, and thinking ‘I could lose my job, and my family will eat.’ Sometimes guys don’t realize how much pressure is on them.”

(Forbes estimates Beck made $32 million from March ’09 to March ’10.)

The Food Insurance website also features a video of Beck talking about how this is a “crazy” world. He says his staff and family all have the backbacks [sic], with “everything that you need in case the world goes to heck in a handbasket [sic].”

“Do the easy stuff now,” Beck says, in conclusion. “Prepare yourself for what we all hope won’t happen, but probably will, if you’re not prepared. Thanks.”

The company’s website says, “While your neighbors are struggling to find food, you will be dining on lasagna, beef stroganoff, and a variety of other delicious entrees. What’s more, this food will retain its nutritional value and freshness for up to ten years.”

So it’s just more of the GOP’s Screw you, I got mine.


Glenn Beck hates his audience

Beck defends your right to eat fries, but says you should die for them because otherwise he pays for your healthcare, and he has a chalkboard to prove that fries will cause global rioting, because of Michelle Obama.

Why does Glenn Beck hate Freedom Fries?