One Lump of Stupid or Two, Scott Walker

"Where are the rabbits, George?"

“I like hot ham.”

Livewire tells us:

“Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R) said he still doesn’t know whether Barack Obama is Christian, months after a spokesperson had to clarify that the governor wasn’t casting doubt on the President’s faith.

“The Republican presidential candidate said “I don’t know” whether Obama is Christian during a Q&A on Saturday in front of GOP donors hosted by billionaires Charles and David Koch, according to Time.”

This might be violating the sweet rule my mother taught me as a wee ‘Grain, you know, to never pick on the simple: but what the f*** does it matter, Scottie? Article VI of the Constitution says,

“The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

…and that was written before the Bill of Rights, so for all of the Founding Fathers’ Fetishers out there this is original intent territory.

Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, laughed so hard she farted


“I look at Barack Obama and I see the worst president of my lifetime, without question. I used to have significant criticism of Jimmy Carter, but compared to Barack Obama and the damage he is doing to the nation—it’s a tragedy.”

Blam-Blam, in an upcoming interview in Playboy, and might we add that we are grateful that he is not being featured as the centerfold?

The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan

Anatomy of a Column


eggy Noonan woke up on election day clutching a tear-stained voting stub from 1980 and an hollow pineapple shell. Looking around, she recognized that she was still in The Aviary (the clever nickname she gave her Penthouse), thank God!

Stumbling out of bed with her Lanz of Salisbury nightgown on backwards (“one wonders how and why this keeps happening?”) she made her way into the spacious kitchen where the faithful Conseula had put out the morning repast, complete with a fresh lime. Quaffing deeply, Noonan mused over what she saw as the coming debacle.

“You can get quite a conversation going in any room in Manhattan now by comparing Barack Obama to Jimmy Carter, with everyone defending Carter,” Noonan mumbled to herself. Noonan saluted the ever-present Ronal Wilson Reagan portrait over the wet bar. He was after all, the greatest president of the last half of the last century, maybe the greatest president ever.

“If the president’s party loses big on Tuesday, as appears likely,” Noonan added another splash of rum into her glass, “much of the loss will be due to 3 C’s—competence, coherence and credibility. It’s a terrible thing when a president loses his credibility.” She glanced up at Ronnie, blushed, and looked away.

Noonan recalled how Bill Clinton handled his midterm drubbing. In a news conference the next day he accepted responsibility and suggested the political meaning of the election was that the public was more conservative than he was. “That took some guts and humility,” she said to Ronnie, as she mixed some more refreshment. “Cleverness, too,” she continued. “By convincing those on his left that they had to face reality, he opened the door for his historic compromises with the Contract Congress.”

Noonan grimaced as she thought about Dubya’s press conference following his famous shellacking in which the Republicans lost 30 House seats, six Senate seats, and control of both chambers.

Noonan couldn’t recall the name of the reporter who asked President Bush—callow youth!—the question: “With all due respect, Nancy Pelosi has called you incompetent, a liar, the emperor with no clothes and, as recently as yesterday, dangerous. How will you work with someone who has such little respect for your leadership and who is third in line to the presidency?”

Ronnie looked down on Noonan from high above the Bacardi, “CNN reporter, Suzanne Malvaeux, Peggy. Pretty much ended her career.”

Noonan turned on the garbage disposal to drown out the noise and started washing the hurricane glasses.

(How to Lose, and Win, Graciously, by Peggy Noonan)

UPDATE: Welcome Hullabaloo readers. Nice to meet you!

Here’s Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid

Even Mooselini's boobs pout

Even Mooselini’s boobs pout

From Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini’s MyFace page: No Drama Obama’s Summer Casual Agenda for America (or What He Didn’t Do On My Summer Vacation)

There is absolutely nothing important going on in the world right now.

…which is why the Boreal Narcissus is so qualified to comment on it. When it comes to not important, trust her: she’s an expert! And yet, I bet she’ll find a way to whine about it!

There are no security threats, no worldwide turmoil affecting America’s interests, no civil war in Syria, South Sudan, or Libya. No war on our ally, Israel. No Ebola epidemic devastating West Africa and spreading. No race riots tearing apart a whole community in Missouri. No Russian aggression in Ukraine. No deranged North Korean dictator testing more missiles. No Chinese jets getting up close and personal with our American military. No brave American journalist sickeningly beheaded by Muslim terrorist savages rampaging through the Middle East seizing oil fields and committing genocide on Christians and Kurds. No illegal immigration crisis as thousands of unaccompanied minors illegally walk right across our unsecured borders. No scandals in Obama’s White House. No worried servicemen and women coping with ill-advised U.S. Military chainsaw cuts. And no increase in our nation’s debt. Nope. It’s been one lazy summer with nothing to do, not a thing to worry about in No Drama Obama land.

This explains why the President spent the summer on vacay in Martha’s Vineyard and is now gearing up for Vacation 2.0 this weekend with the One Percent in the Hamptons, again, and in Newport, again.

The world is falling apart, and the lazy The Kenyan Usurper isn’t there. Say, why are all the dogs barking?

It’s the usual Mooselini confusion: Obama is shoving this/that/other down our throats, and he’s lazy. He’s a jack-booted tyrant and lazy. She complains that Obama is spending his vacay (ugh) with fat cat donors and that the Dims want to gut Citizens United.

I’ll give her credit: her ghostwriter is getting her inflection down, and has mastered the petty grievances tone.

Here’s Your Cheese Sandwich With a Side of Stupid

World Nut Daily tells us that The Kenyan Usurper not only is lying about his place of birth, also he’s lying about his age:

On Tuesday of this week, Barack Obama turned 53. Or so we were told.



The blog’s old pal, Ewick Ewickson is calling, not subtly, for the impeachment of The Kenyan Usurper:

227 years ago, when the founders of the nation set about drafting the constitution, they gave the House of Representatives the exclusive power to initiate revenue bills and impeach the Executive. That the House would sue the President over his use of executive power is an indication that its leadership no more values their own powers under constitution than the President they sue.

And he concludes thusly:

John Boehner’s lawsuit is nothing more than political theater and a further Republican waste of taxpayer dollars. If the Republican leaders in the House are too chicken to use their constitutional powers to rein in the President, they should just call it a day and go home.

And so what, you ask, is E2 suggesting that they inpeach the Hawaiian Debbil Baby for doing?

It is Republicans in the House and Senate who orchestrated giving Barack Obama a blank check to raise the debt ceiling through March of 2015. It is Republicans in the House and Senate who were so scared of a government shutdown, that they threw Senators Ted Cruz and Mike Lee under the bus before the President even initiated a government shut down.

The House Republicans have had one major victory against the President. It was the fight over cut, cap, and balance — an idea initiated by then Senator Jim DeMint and backed by conservatives in both the House and Senate. While it ultimately did not succeed, it saw real cuts in the form of sequestration and a victory against the President on spending.

But House Republicans allowed Rep. Paul Ryan to surrender the sequestration and, working with Democrats, raise taxes.

That bastard! He outsmarted the Teabaggers! INPEACH!

The Kenyan also insisted on paying the bills that the GOP-led Congress ran up! How dare he! Also/too: Ewick is upset over spending, which he notes in his lede is the provenance of the Congress.

Poor doofus. He’s slipping.

The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan

Anatomy of a Column


eggy Noonan completed watching the “Death Valley Days” marathon on her old black and white Philco television set in the back bedroom at the Aviary 2, the name she christened the new Penthouse (so large, so chic), when she buzzed the concierge.

“A horse, a horse, half my kingdom for a horse,” she whispered into the phone. They quickly made arrangements for a riding lesson in The Park. Watching her beloved Ronnie in the greatest western television series ever inspired Noonan to give horseback riding another try, her previous attempt had ended in failure at the Reagan Ranch in the hills above Santa Barbara, and of course 30 years of mocking from her nemesis, Nancy Reagan.

Noonan shuddered thinking about Nancy’s scratchy voice bellowing over the hills, “Hey Ronnie look! A horse with two asses!”

“This time,” Noonan sniffed, “things will be different.”

Just like for the GOP, she mused. “Whatever word means the opposite of snakebit, that is what the Republican Party is right now.” Noonan took a thoughtful sip of her Mai Tai as she changed into her riding togs, red coat, and black boots, funny cap, and just as quickly changed her mind. “Western saddle, that’s what Ronnie would want.”

Changing into denim jeans, and a plaid flannel blouse, Noonan mused further on the luck of the GOP. “One reason they are feeling hope is that they have received two big and unexpected gifts from President Obama,” she grinned to herself, “The first, of course, was his political implosion—his quick descent and speedy fall into unpopularity, which shaped the outcome of the 2010 elections.” She cursed under her breath while struggling with the skinny jeans that seemed to stop at her ample calves. “Fuckin’ cleaners must have shrunk them,” she snarled as she took a deep quaff of Mai Tai, and tried to peel off the jeans. She worried that she might look like a turtle that rolled onto its back as she struggled to pull them off, writhing on the floor.

“Obama’s second gift, of course, is how he reacted to the election’s outcome in a way that suggested he’s still in his own world, still seeing a reality no one else is seeing,” Noonan huffed, out of breath. Noonan giggled at the thought of the very smart and unlikable man sitting at her beloved Ronnie’s desk not being aware he was not political enough, too serious, too substantive, and no one could see the size of his achievements.

Grimacing, Noonan thought about how the media was going to treat the incoming GOP freshman class, “The mainstream media this January will be looking for the nuts,” she thought as she slurped the pineapple wedge. She had seen this before when the new Republican Congress came in in 1994. The spirited Helen Chenoweth, freshman from Idaho, talked a little too much about “black helicopters.” She was portrayed as paranoid and eccentric. Bob Livingston, from New Orleans, went to his first meeting of the Appropriations Committee wielding a machete. The new speaker, Newt Gingrich, was full of pronouncements and provocations; he was a one-man drama machine.


Iced to the eyebrows, Noonan poured herself out of the cab at the stables in The Park and asked the driver to stick around for the return trip home.

“Howdy, Ma’am. What do you want to do today,” the friendly instructor asked her.

“As Mrs. Patrick Campbell once said, I don’t really care what people do as long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses,” Noonan said as she slipped off her coat, and Lady Godiva-like, mounted her steed.

Obama’s Gifts to the GOP, by Peggy Noonan

World Exclusive Photos!

Our intrepid photojournalist, DistributorcapNYC was there!


On Restoring Honor…

Exactly 47 years to the day after Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech from the feet of the Lincoln Memorial, America’s Favorite Free-Range Conspiracy Theorist, Glenn Beck took to the same stage to dog-whistle to the simple-minded the repellent message: let’s get that nigger out of our White House. The rally was ostensibly about restoring America’s honor, but conveniently no one mentioned how we lost it.

Perhaps now would be a convenient time to do that.

It’s too easy to say that Former President Chimpy McStagger is the root of all evil. He had help from Richard Nixon’s hand maiden, Dick Cheney and a legion of toadies and minions from both parties. It is not an exaggeration to say that our loss of honor, the nadir was reached under Chimpy’s administration with secret renditions, wire tapping citizens, torturing suspects, and the suspension of habeas corpus. Just to name a few.

I don’t recall seeing a single GOPer flocking to the mall to protest that loss of honor.

When Chimpy started the illegal and illogical Iraq war, there were world-wide protests. One day the modest estimate was fourteen million people protested. Chimpy said it was a focus group and was not interested.

I don’t recall seeing a single GOPer protesting that loss of honor, either.

So now we see two b-grade Fox News employees and flimflam artists, Beck and Mooselini, get up on a stage and tell us about the dark forces working to put our great country in the dustbin of history is beyond the pale, so to speak. To see a vast sea of uncritically thinking, white-entitled boomers slack-jawed and drooling from the comfort of their lawn chairs, wondering what happened to their country is sad, yet somewhat understandable.

The country is going through convulsions right now, we have an economic crisis of unimaginable proportions (brought to us by Blessed Saint Ronnie of Trickledown-on-Bel-Air and all who suckled at his crotch); I can understand that some of us are looking for divine intervention to save us from what is actually an engineered disaster brought about by thirty years of callous and selfish policy.

What I cannot understand the the lack of willpower on the part of allegedly sane politicians to let charlatans like Beck and Palin frame the issues and set the stage. The mystery is why are Obama, Pelosi, Reid — and other elected official claiming to be a Democrat– why are they letting these buffoons set the agenda? Why is it that the left are not telling us about what we are going through and why. Why can’t they just say it: we are broke.

We are broke because for thirty years we allowed the rich and the powerful to raid the treasury as a matter of policy. And to this day The Powers That Be are doing nothing about it; heck, they are not even trying to prosecute admitted criminals like Chimpy and Blam-Blam. They’ve told the criminal class that the rule of law does not apply to them.

And so instead of frog-marching the supply siders with their ill-gotten gains to the poky, we are being told that we little people must sacrifice, delay retirement till 70, scrap Medicare, oh, and give more tax breaks to the Rich and Corporations. We are broke, unemployed, and about to be screwed again as a matter of policy.

The thing is, the Dims could have fixed it if they wanted to: they had solid majorities. They did not have the willpower, or worse, they did not see this as a problem. The point is that off-shoring your job (or industry for that matter) continues to happen because they (both sides of the aisle) want it to happen; their corporate paymasters want it, and it will continue.

I can understand how a grifter like Mooselini and a snake oil salesman like Beck can suddenly shine in these times. They can say with a straight face that what is wrong is that their pasty white followers are not praying enough; White Jeebus (and it is the white Jeebus) will keep you out of bankruptcy. And the great unwashed masses can believe this message because they can see that no one inside the Beltway is doing anything for them. They’ve been trained for thirty years to hate liberals/progressives/Dims by rote memorization (the promise of a tasty fish as the reward, who knows), and lately the Teabagger phenomenon shows that they have learned not to trust the people who have been giving them the tasty fish.

And so while these simpletons are praying for Jeebus to save them and blaming the Kenyan Usurper for their problems, and showing their independence by attending rallies that are paid for by the GOP establishment that they are opposed to, their allies on the right are picking their pockets and laughing at the rubes.

The housing market is nothing more than a collection of swindles that may never be unwound and resolved, retail is crashing as we are entering what will probably go on record as the Worst Holiday Shopping Season ever, Afghanistan AND Iraq continue to suck billions of dollars out of our wallets, peak oil has been reached and all that that implies is yet to really hit home, and the Teabaggers are going non-linear and being agitated into some sort of Xristian Nationalism. Expect things to get much, much worse.

Unless you are a member of the ruling class. Then expect excellent business as usual.

Mooselini, In her own words

I think [President Obama]’s quite complacent, and I think he’s in over his head, and he has poor advisers around him. And I think he’s really in flux when it comes to what his governing philosophy really is. Some of this, though, is a result of him not having much experience.

— Mooselini, who quit being Governor of Alaska about half-way through it.

Draw up the impeachment papers, Doughy Pantload has the goods!

He spent about the same amount of research time as for his coloring book, Liberal Fascism:

Doughy Pantload: Obama said on The View yesterday that he didn’t know who Snooki is. But here’s Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner:

Obama: “Of course, that’s not the only thing that we’ve been accused of socializing this year. You might have heard we passed a health care bill and — (applause.) Is that Roger Ailes applauding out there? (Laughter.) Some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions. That’s ridiculous. There aren’t a few secret provisions in the health care plan — there are, like, hundreds. (Laughter.)

Obama: “Tonight, in the interest of transparency, I’d like to share a couple. Let’s see — this provision is called the Bay State of Denial. It reads: “This bill shall cover short-term memory loss related to the passage of Massachusetts health care reform.” So, good news, Mitt, your condition is covered. (Laughter.)

Obama: “This next provision is called the Jersey Shore-Up. It reads: “The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill.” Snooki, J-WOWW, the Situation, and House Minority Leader John Boehner. (Laughter.)”

Yup, the Blog at Poo Corner, the most intellectually dishonest rest stop on the Information Superhighway, does it again! You got him dead to rights, Doughy, and if it was good enough to earn Big Dawg an impeachment, well, the Kenyan Usurper is doomed now!