Here’s Some Stupid For Your Coffee

“You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I’d do is get Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations. Then we’ll test recipients for drugs and alcohol, and if you want to [reproduce] or use drugs or alcohol, then get a job.”

Russell Pearce, the first vice-chair of the Terrible Sand Kingdom of Arizonistan’s Republican Party

So once again I gotta ask: Reince, how’s that rebranding working out?

Castanets of Fire, Cont.

sanford-and-some-pigs-surreal

Bad-haired GOP sex-lizard and notorious Appalachian trail hiking, amateur castanet playing Lothario, former South Carolina Governor Mark “Kiss Me South of the Border” Sanford is now alleged by his former firecracker lady fiancée to have used her:

The Facebook post caught Chapur off guard, and she told the New York Times Saturday that she found out about it through the news.

She also explained the events leading up to her break-up with Sanford. She told the Times that Sanford has asked to postpone the engagement until his son was 18 and the custody battles wouldn’t matter as much anymore.

“I’ve already been five years waiting and two years since the engagement,” she said, and explained that she couldn’t stay with him and postpone the wedding.

Chapur said that Sanford’s explanation that the two ended their engagement due to his divorce and custody issues does not tell the whole story.

“I think that I was not useful to him anymore — he made the engagement thing four months before the elections,” she told the Times. “So this is not about his son, this is about his career and his ambitions.”

I told you I thought he was putting on his Appalachian Trail hiking boots. What a shitheel.

Mark Sanford: Castanets of Fire Have Cooled

sanford-and-some-pigs-surreal

Bad-haired GOP sex-lizard and notorious Appalachian trail hiking, amateur castanet playing Lothario, South Carolina Governor Mark “Kiss Me South of the Border” Sanford, like any love-sick 14-year old boy, has posted a weepy break-up explanation to his MyFace Place:

I apologize for the length of this post, but given the gravity of the issue at hand when I sat down to write late last night a long list of things came to my mind.

Oh. Please. Dear God. No. A grown man writing those free-verse lists of meaning-filled moments, scenes from an affair. Not his dreadful poetry about eating a salad under a palm treeeeeeeee!

More than anything, I am struck by two truths. One, it seems that history well documents that those who work to avoid conflict at all costs wind up being those destined in many instances to find much conflict. Peace at all costs rarely brings it. On the other hand, Jesus was incredibly clear in the book of Luke that we are to turn the other cheek at offenses and that if someone took our shirt, we were to offer our coat as well.

Weary is the crown… oh, hawt! He wants her to go topless again?! For Jeebus!

In this light I have struggled in how to respond since being contacted little more than a week ago regarding yet another lawsuit by yet a new, and third, lawyer retained by my former wife Jenny. I first learned of it through the media and I didn’t want to respond at all, but given the level of accusation after waiting a day I gave a brief response.

My question now though is how to respond given I am being summoned to the court room again on Monday. I have prayed on it, thought on it and asked the advice of friends.

This is what happens when you ditch a southern belle for a firecracker lady, pal. Especially a very successful, high-powered and well-connected belle.

I cannot do this anymore.

So resign, you schmuck. Or jump. Whatever. Just do it, and get off the pot.

In all life there comes a point wherein lines must be drawn in the way that we attempt to respond in ways that don’t invite more in the way of conflict and add more in the way of modeling Christ’s humility in giving in every instance. I’ll never get that mix right, none of us do, but I believe it’s what we are to pursue in all of our responses to the inevitable reality of conflict in our lives.

Yeah, putz, you get to start quoting Bible words at us? That takes some brass castanets, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

I am going to get a lawyer to defend me on this case. I will instruct them not to fight back, to work to de-escalate and defuse and to look for measured justice and an end to controversy. At the time of the divorce I did not get a lawyer because I could not imagine standing in a court room with one in some adversarial form against the mother of our boys.

But you could imagine playing motorboat with a lady not your wife. What a shitheel.

Since then, and almost as clock work over the last four and one half years since the divorce, unfortunately there has been either the threat of lawsuit or actual lawsuit about every six months. In every instance I have either settled, represented myself or gotten two longtime friends to help me in responding.

So not just a shitheel, a cheap-ass shitheel. And you know what they say about lawyers representing themselves, fool?

There was also the issue of money. Spending money getting lawyers to resolve differences, when I believed any two people sitting down could do the same, also broke with my belief on stewardship…or what some would call my frugal ways.

Told ya he was a cheap screw.

As mentioned I never hired a lawyer at the time of the divorce which in practical terms means I just folded all the cards in giving Jenny what she wanted at that time. She wanted a certain financial number that I didn’t have, and so I gave her pieces of our family farm that my dad and mom assembled in the 1950’s and 60’s… I also did it because in that chapter of life I could not take any more controversy, and what Jenny had said at that time was that if she didn’t get those things we would go to court and just have another public spectacle. I found that idea haunting, and so I indeed folded all the cards and that brings us to today.

You couldn’t take any more controversy? You?! Not just a cheat, but a gutless cheat.

No relationship can stand forever this tension of being forced to pick between the one you love and your own son or daughter, and for this reason Belen and I have decided to call off the engagement.

Bet me he’s putting on his Appalachian Trail hiking boots.

Maybe there will be another chapter when waters calm with Jenny, but at this point the environment is not conducive to building anything given no one would want to be caught in the middle of what’s now happening. Belen is a remarkably wonderful woman who I have always loved and I will be forever grateful for not only the many years we have known and loved each other, but the last six very tough ones wherein she has encouraged me and silently borne its tribulations with her ever warm and kind spirit.

And let’s not forget the salad under the palm trees. He concludes with a lot of Bible words and the blessings of Jeebus who says that gutless, cheap-ass shitheels will inherit the earth. The end.