News That Will Drive You To Drink

Don Feder, the president of listed hate group World Congress of Families presents the Top Ten Reasons Why Hitlery Will Never Be President. Here’s a taste from his introduction before he gets to his list

“Think Evita after Botox treatments. Think Madame Defarge on a bad hair day. Think Lady Macbeth with serious issues (“Out, out, damned bimbo!”).”

“To listen to the babbling heads, you’d think the Goldwater girl-turned-Alinsky-disciple could start preparing her acceptance speech (maybe Eleanor Roosevelt will help her write it). “Ooh, she’ll raise so much money.” “Ooh, women want a woman president.” In the immortal words of General Anthony McAuliffe: “Nuts!”

“Win the White House? Hillary couldn’t win a popularity contest if she was the only contestant. “

“Here are the Top Ten Reasons Hillary Rodham Clinton is more likely to become a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model than the next president…”

Writing comedy is hard, Barbie!

Let’s just say that he then does his best 1990s Yakov Smirnoff-Letterman Top 10 Countdown hybrid, his two-drink minimum routine is mostly hitting Bill Clinton’s weiner for punch lines. That is, until he gets to the recycled Yo Momma So Ugly part of his routine:

10. The Hideousness Factor – Lyndon Baines Johnson was the last profoundly ugly candidate to be elected president, and he was a legacy of the martyred JFK. Voters don’t want a leader who looks frazzled or frumpy. We’re told that Lincoln was too homely to be elected president in an age of television and paparazzi. But Lincoln’s homely face had a dignity, a gravitas. If nothing else, we want a face that reassures us, not one that scares us, a la Night of the Living Alinskyites.

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And just so you know that his assessment of the attractiveness of Clinton is completely on the up and up, as you can see, he’s a hunka-hunka burnin’ love, a veritable handsome devil hisself.

Two Helpings of Claim Chowder

jeb-moose-earsJEB BUSH Says He Will ‘Never’ Speak Ill of MARCO RUBIO

Rubio and Charlie McCarthy

And inside the story: Big Gulp makes the same claim about The Smart Bush®.

I’m sure we will revisit this, so marking it for Claim Chowder.

Rhett or Ashleigh, Cont.

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman. Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Sometimes, a lady doesn’t get any respect: according to the latest polling of South Carolina by Winthrop University, of the registered Republicans likely to vote in the primary for 2016 Goat Rodeo, 54.9% would NOT vote for Huckleberry Closetcase. The only potential candidate who polled lower: short-fingered vulgarian The Donald.

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Mr. Gohmert?

Get off the cross we need the wood

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As everyone knows, Xristians are the most put-upon and powerless part of American Society, and Screwie Louie gives us the explanation: because it is politically correct:

The Preznintial Timber of Mike Pence

Governor Mike Pence signs Indiana's We Don't Serve Your Kind into law with the approving gaze of the various mullahs, clerics, and militia tribesmen.

Governor Mike Pence signs Indiana’s We Don’t Serve Your Kind into law with the approving gaze of the various mullahs, clerics, and militia tribesmen.

“I think the difficult time that Indiana just passed through two weeks ago is behind us.”

–Mike Pence, giving us a deep thought, well-expressed.

Hey guys, remember a couple of weeks ago there was like some big news coming out of Indiana? Something to do with their termite infested governor signing, oh, a We Don’t Serve Your Kind law, perchance? Seems to me that there was some sort of news about it, with the state loosing tens of millions of dollars of convention bookings, company expansions, and threats of sporting events leaving the state. Ring a bell to anyone?

Anyway, the AP is reporting that the Indiana Legislature just voted down adding LGBTQ non-discrimination to their civil rights laws that cover employment, housing, and jobs.

I guess that PR firm Porter Novelli will ask for another million Ameros to fix that new gaping wound in Indiana’s foot.

The Morning Quote

Texas

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In case anyone wonders why I call the theocrats Y’all Qaeda:

“We’re built differently, we have different hormones,” Go Ape Marketing CEO Cheryl Rios told KTXA-TV. “In the world that we live in, I understand that there’s equal rights and that’s a wonderful thing and I support all of that. I don’t support a woman being president.”

…“There’s an old biblical sound reasoning why a woman shouldn’t be President,” she added, though she did not mention any specific passages to support her argument.

“Well,” Rios didn’t say, “Ah suppose Ann Coulter could become president someday. Y’all know what Ah mean?”

(Raw Story)

News That Will Drive You To Drink: It’s Schlafly Time!

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Ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly knows what killed Walter Scott:

“Why was Walter Scott running away from a policeman who tried to stop him for a broken taillight? The media are trying to make a South Carolina policeman’s killing of a black man, Walter Scott, another sensational case of racism, but the media have missed the point of the tragedy.”

“The problem wasn’t racism, or even dangerous driving or stolen property. It was caused by the obnoxious anti-father rulings of the family courts and Scott’s fear that he would be returned to debtor’s prison. Scott had already been jailed three times for failure to pay child support, and he didn’t want to be sent to prison again.”

…and from there, after some nostalgia for debtor’s prison, she fingers who really killed Walter Scott: It was welfare!

“Debtors’ prisons were common in England in the colonial period. You can read about them in the writings of Charles Dickens, who wrote from first-hand knowledge; his own father spent time in a debtor’s prison.
We kicked out British rule by the American Revolution and abolished some of its trappings, such as royalty and its titles, primogeniture and bowing to our top national official. We thought we abolished debtor’s prisons even before we abolished slavery, but they continue to exist today to punish men who are too poor to pay what is falsely labeled “child support.”

“We say “falsely” because the money collected from the poor guy usually doesn’t go to his kid or her mother. It just supports the welfare-state bureaucracy.”

More Rubio Being a New Kinda GOPer

While running away from his own legislation to Andrea Tantaros:

Rubio and Charlie McCarthy

“If this bill has something in it that gives gay couples immigration rights and so forth, it kills the bill. I’m done. I’m off it, and I’ve said that repeatedly. I don’t think that’s going to happen and it shouldn’t happen. This is already a difficult enough issue as it is.”