Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Child Warriors are coming through the border to rise up and kill us all for Hamas.

  • Ancient Hate Goblin Phyllis Schlafly just got a little moist in her cobwebbed and dusty nether regions:

    Feminism and feminists are a big part of what is wrong in American society today… Some of us, actually miss the times when men were men and that was a trait to be admired. Women in suits and loud exultations of the unfairness toward women have ruined life as we knew it. They took the feminine mystique out of the equation. Some of us liked being treated like we were something special, to be treasured by all men.

    (BarbWire)

  • Penny Nance, president of forced-birth organization Concerned Women for America are calling for yet another Summer of Life protest to make it illegal to have an abortion after 5 months (er, that’s about 20 weeks, right about when you might realize that you are pregnant).
  • This oughtta help - The Westboro Baptist Church plans to go to Ferguson to protest at Michael Brown’s funeral.

Hunting Season in Ferguson? – UPDATED

Celebrity free-range hunter of black teens George Zimmerman was arrested in Ferguson after stalking 2 kids and pointing a gun at them:

Authorities say Zimmerman was exiting the Dunkin’ Donuts at approximately 9:45 am when he encountered the two teenagers, who are identified only as black males ages 16 and 17. In cell phone footage obtained by the police and shown, but not released, to the media, the two teens make every effort to evade Zimmerman, but finally confront him after he followed them for a short distance.

“We just saw George Zimmerman, and he’s in Ferguson,” one of the teens says in the cell phone video. “He’s following us. We’re trying to walk away but he’s following us.” The camera shows Zimmerman, carrying a bag of food and a drink, who yells something illegible at the teens. “We don’t want anything to go down. We’re just minding our own business. We’re minding our business.”

Zimmerman is heard yelling something again, and finally the teens stop. One of the teens rather articulately asks Zimmerman to leave him, his friend, and his town, alone. “Sir, sir, we don’t… we don’t have an issue with you, sir. Please leave us alone,” the younger teenager says in the video, while Zimmerman continues to rant about something in the background. “Mr. Zimmerman, I don’t know why you’re here in Ferguson, but It’s pretty damn insensitive, you showing up here. This town’s been through enough already, we don’t need you here intensifying things, okay? And my friend and I didn’t say anything to you.”

“I have a right to be here. It’s a free country, we’re on a public street,” Zimmerman angrily says to the teens. “Why were you following me? Why were you harassing me?”

“We did no such thing, Mr. Zimmerman. You were leaving the store and we saw you and crossed the street,” the younger teen replies. “You followed us for a whole block. We said nothing to you and we were not following you.”

“Why are you here, George?” the older teen asks. “Ferguson has enough going on without you trying to get in the news again.”

At this point, Zimmerman drops his beverage and reaches into his jacket. The teen holding the cell phone raises it, and then the video abruptly ends. Authorities say a State Police cruiser, which just happened to be driving by at that moment, pulled over, and the officers found Zimmerman aiming a 9mm pistol at the two teens, who had their hands raised above their heads. After drawing their own weapons and ordering Zimmerman to drop his, Zimmerman was taken into custody.

Police found two handguns, a shotgun, and several knives inside Zimmerman’s car at the time of his arrest. It is unclear why Zimmerman was visiting Ferguson, when he arrived, or where in town he was staying. Police say the teens will be allowed to release the full video to the public after their investigation is complete.

UPDATE: we got Rick-rolled. Again. I apologize to all loyal scissorheads, and even to the free-range shooter of black kids wherever (Mr. Zimmerman) for falling for it.

Want Some Fries With Your Stupid?

It’s an early lunch on the west coast, but Documentarian fabulist, convicted felon, and would-be bigamist D’VORCE D’SPOUSA is running a special:

He finds the common thread with Ferguson and ISIS, and you’ll never guess who it is!

Grifters: “Save The Date!”

…It’s time for the Haters Hootenanny:

(Right Wing Watch)

We’re so excited, and we just can’t hide it. Oh, wait. That’s a song. At any rate, the grifters are courting the haters. If you go to the registration site, you’ll see a veritable cornucopia of ways you can contribute your Ameros to fund this Xristian gay bashing:

Seating/Hosting Options
$150 Individual (Each person will need to register)
$1,500 Host Couple
$1,500 Church Table
$2,500 Table Sponsor
$5,000 Co-Chair
$10,000 Chair
$15,000 Silver Underwriter
$25,000 Gold Underwriter

And when you look to see what fabulous gifts and prizes you will receive for putting money where your hate is, you’ll be fascinated to learn that Complementary Valet Parking is worth $5K (which seems like a huge complement, n’est-ce pas?), having your picture taken with Tony Perkins is worth another $5K.

Oh, and to sweeten the deal, Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz will be there accepting the Don Wildmon award for his father, the flame-retardant pants wearing Rafael Cruz, who has never met a lie too low to embrace, or a slur too, um, slurry to spread.

No mention of when they will string up the effigy piñata, but the bashing will be enjoyed by all.

(Right Wing Watch)

Here’s Your Eggs With a Side of Stupid

“Ferguson riots have very little to do with the shooting of the young man. It is an excuse to be the losers these animals truly are.”

“It is a tipping point to frustration built up over years of not trying, but blaming everyone else, The Man, for their failures. It’s always someone else’s fault when you give up.”

Hercules Kevin Sorbo, an actor from liberal Hollywood and black studies scholar.

(Also, too: The Man? Does anyone say that anymore?)

He Keeps Running!

Rand Paul groundhog day driving

Hey guys, remember when famous plagiarist, Ayn Rand Fanboi and shag-carpet topped Sen. Rand Paul, the Aqua Buddhist, beat the land speed record for running away from latino immigrants at a fundraising dinner in Iowa? You know, when later he bravely accused some DREAMERs of being kamikaze interviewers, as he told at least three different and conflicting stories about why there was a sonic boom as he exited the tent?

Anyway, it seems that Sen. Aqua Buddha has now taken the strong and unequivocal stand that immigrants should be deported, and has signed on to a bill to end any deportation relief. This is news because one of his (many) previous positions was that there should be some sort of way for them to become legal residents if not citizens.

We anxiously await his next change of position in about 5 minutes, or as Brother Pierce would say, “4:50, 4:51, 4:52…”

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Chock Full o’ Nuts David Horowitz tells Southern Poverty Law Center hate-group designate American Family Association’s head Tim Wildmon (Don’s final squirt, so to speak) about how The Kenyan Usurper Barack Hussein Obama refuses to condemn the “mass killings of Christians” or take military action against ISIS, because, you know, he is a muslim rooting for ISIS.

  • Faux News’s The Lying Fi5e host ANDREA TANTAROS tells us the ultimate solution:

    If you study the history of Islam. Our ship captains were getting murdered. The French had to tip us off. I mean these were the days of Thomas Jefferson. They’ve been doing the same thing. This isn’t a surprise. You can’t solve it with a dialogue. You can’t solve it with a summit. You solve it with a bullet to the head. Its the only thing these people understand. And all we’ve heard from this president is a case to heap praise on this religion, as if to appease them.

  • Today in Tinfoil Millinery Stylings - BarbWire tells us how all the trouble in Ferguson “is being orchestrated by the federal government.” Grassy knoll, Apollo Moonshots, and the Twin Towers… Ferguson.
  • Xristian Xrazie Heads Explode in 3… 2… 1… - “A federal judge has declared Florida’s ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional, joining state judges in four counties who have sided with gay couples wishing to tie the knot.” – the key work here is “federal” (News4JAX)