“Some Say,” Some Said

The Death of the Media

Breaking News!
Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) breathlessly tells us that Joe Biden is not going to run in the 2016 Goat Rodeo, in another one of their classic, unsourced, unattributed articles.

I’ll give you the sources, because that’s the kinda guy I am:

  • a New Hampshire Democrat said
  • an Iowa Democrat said
  • an Iowa Democrat said
  • said a New Hampshire Democrat
  • a New Hampshire Democrat said
  • a New Hampshire Democrat said
  • warned an Iowa Democrat
  • Added a New Hampshire Democrat
  • an Iowa Democrat said
  • said a New Hampshire Republican
  • said an Iowa Republican
  • Summed up a Granite State Republican
  • an Iowa Republican said
  • wailed a New Hampshire Democrat
  • said an Iowa Republican
  • an Iowa Republican said
  • a New Hampshire Republican said
  • complained a New Hampshire Republican
  • cautioned a New Hampshire Republican

I get it that some people will not speak freely on the record, but that is what changes speculative gossip and guessing into a news story. This is gossip. Unless Joe Biden announces a run, Politico will sit back smugly and say that they got a scoop. This is the stuff of madness.

Your Claim Chowder Is Served

NotChimpy and Chimpy

NotChimpy and Chimpy

The Washington Examiner noticed the same thing we noticed:

“Quinnipiac pollsters asked respondents a simple, open-ended question: “What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Jeb Bush?” Quinnipiac published a table of all the responses given five or more times. Here is the list of the top eight responses for Jeb, including the number of times people mentioned each particular word:

Bush — 136

family — 70

honest — 53

weak — 45

brother — 41

dynasty — 40

experience — 35

George — 28

By far, the first word that the most people thought of about Jeb Bush was not a word at all, but rather his last name. What’s the first thing you think of when you think about Jeb? Bush. And then the next most common response was “family.” And then “brother” and “dynasty” and “George.” When people see Jeb, they don’t think, this is an attractive candidate for president. They think “Bush.””

¡JEB! the Smartest Bush® done everything except renounce his citizenship (Hi Ted! Canada thanks you!) to disavow his family brand, and yet it keeps haunting him.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, ¡JEB! ?

¡JEB! is a son-of-a-Babs

¡JEB! is a son-of-a-Babs

Have we mentioned lately that we think ¡JEB! is not actually running for preznint, but instead is engaged in some sort of bizarre performance art?

Anyway, to support our thesis, today we enter into evidence the following:

Eric Cantor to endorse Jeb Bush
The former House majority leader will also be named a Virginia state co-chair of Bush’s presidential campaign.

Now this might seem like a small, so-what item, but when one considers that Iago Eric Cantor was the most powerful Representative from Virginia, the GOP’s Majority Leader, and he was soundly defeated (you might recall the press droning on and on about how is primary defeat was historic) and thrown out by the Tea Baggers, one must assume that his political capital is sort of low with the people that ¡JEB! needs to attract.

Bad Signs, Cont.

God Don't Have Twitter

Well, at least the Debbil do have Facebook I guess.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Presented by D’vorce D’spousa, documentarian fabulist, convicted felon, fired Y’all Qaeda business school dean, and would-be bigamist:

Very post-racial of D’Souza. Surely he won’t pass up a chance to call Obama a bigot, will he?

It’s sort of pathological with D’Vorce D’Spousa, innit?

But what about his other favorite punch-line?

Phew! I’d hate for a straight guy who went to prison to miss a chance to punch his dance card, so to speak. Ben Carson is smiling somewhere

The 3-Martini Stupid Is Served, Petunia

Oh, she didn't...

Oh, she didn’t…

“He talks about race,” [Gretchen Carlson, the Original Petunia and still the best] the Fox News host noted pointing to [the latest Virginia shooter’s] manifesto. “He put the initials of the Charleston church shooting victims on the bullets that he used today, he praised the Virginia Tech mass killer, Columbine High School killers, says he was being attacked for being a gay black man.”

“He shot three white people today,” Carlson added. “Why is that not a hate crime?”

(The Mock, Paper, Scissors policy is to not name mass killers and give them, even in death, the notoriety they crave.)

Let’s Open The Box With Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul!


Hey guys, Rand Paul the candidate with the innate ability to defy physics and be on all sides of all issues all at once has done it again! Let’s open Schrödinger’s box to see where Rand Paul stands today on the issues facing black americans, i.e. #BlackLivesMatter:

“I think they should change their name maybe, if they were ‘All Lives Matter’ or ‘Innocent Lives Matter. I am about justice, and frankly I think a lot of poor people in our country, and many African-Americans, are trapped in this war on drugs and I want to change it. But commandeering the microphone and bullying people and pushing people out of the way I think really isn’t a way to get their message across.”

As you may recall, Rand Paul previously was (in his own strange white-splaining way) reaching out to minority communities, but that was before short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump took a commanding lead, you know, being um, a white nationalist.

Hope They Glued Oven Mitts On His Hands

Methinks Josh Duggar is gonna be starring at locks, longingly.

Methinks Josh Duggar is gonna be starring at locks, longingly.

Josh Duggar, the poster boy of the hypocritical Xristian Xrazies and Theocrats everywhere, has checked into rehab for his porn addiction as TMZ tells us.

And his family, the quivering quiverfull grifters, er, Duggars, have released a statement that even Dr. Freud might describe as a slip:

“We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, care and prayers for our family during this most difficult situation with Josh.”

“As parents we are so deeply grieved by our son’s decisions and actions. His wrong choices have deeply hurt his precious wife and children and have negatively affected so many others. He has also brought great insult to the values and faith we hold dear.”

“He negatively affected our bottom line,” the CEO of Grift Inc, didn’t say in the first draft. “The little putz killed the self-righteous goose that laid the golden egg. He wanted to get fucked, so now he’s fucked. But good.”

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

The chase

The chase

Via their morning email thingie, Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) breathlessly tells us their take-away from the latest Quinnipiac Poll:

SirenSirenSIREN – “Biden Runs Better Than Clinton Against Top Republicans, Quinnipiac … National Poll Finds; Trump GOP Lead Grows As Clinton Dem Lead Shrinks”: “Trump leads the … Republican pack with 28 percent, up from 20 percent … July 30 … This is the highest tally and widest margin for any Republican so far in this election. Ben Carson has 12 percent, with 7 percent each for … Bush … Cruz … and … Rubio … Trump … tops the ‘no way’ list as 26 percent of [GOP] say they would definitely not support him. …

OK there is something interesting there: his positive and his negative are essentially balanced. Of course all this comes 442 days before the election, so this is nothing more than a snapshot in time and means absolutely nothing. Tomorrow we’ll have some real numbers from The Professor.

What else you got, TBOTP?

“Clinton leads the Democratic field with 45 percent, down from 55 percent July 30, with … Sanders … at 22 percent and Biden at 18 percent. … This is Sanders’ highest tally and closest margin. … ‘Liar’ is the first word that comes to mind more than others in an open-ended question when voters think of Clinton. ‘Arrogant’ is the word for Trump and voters say ‘Bush’ when they think of Bush.”

This is more interesting stuff: Arrogant and Liar aside, there’s some pure brand recognition when your product name is equal to how to describe it. Kleenex = Kleenex. This is the stuff marketeers dream of: when your brand defines the category.

That said, Bush = Bush is pretty damning when you think about it. You can budge attributes like arrogant and liar in other directions, but you cannot move branding = branding, that’s pure saturation; ¡JEB! The Smartest Bush® defines the category. And that, Scissorheads, is why ¡JEB! is polling at 7% and has not broken out: He’s a Bush.

Gov. Sammiches Gives ¡JEB! A Wicked Burn

Chris Christie

Fox News’ infamous hemophiliac Megyn Kelly asked Gov. Sammiches how the 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders should try to appeal to Hispanic voters “them” without alienating their racist base The Confederacy.

“By telling the truth and enforcing the law,” Christie said. “I mean, the fact is that you don’t need to be pandering to one way or the other. I’ll tell you the way you don’t do it. You don’t do focus group-tested trips to the border, speak Spanish and then criticize Asians.

(Miami Herald)