Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

The Frosted Tips Twins say that they are really pro-woman, you know, and that’s why women shouldn’t be allowed to make their own family planning decisions.

So How’s That Rebranding Workin’ For Ya, Reince?

War on Women, cont.

Holy Mary, Mother of Jeebus, what was Thom Tillis thinking:

Seven percent. A 7 percent pay raise. That’s what we passed this year for North Carolina teachers. That’s simple math. But math is lost on Sen. Hagan. She’s misleading you about me to hide her own partisan record. Kay Hagan votes with President Obama 96 percent of the time. She voted for $7 trillion in debt. That’s math too. And it’s the difference in this election.

Because, you know, the dames don’t unnerstan’ the maths, y’all.

The Afternoon Quote

“President Obama placed his hand on a Bible and swore to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of these United States. It’s time to put down the golf clubs, Mr. President. It’s time to stop the parties. It’s time to take off the mom jeans and put on some big boy pants.”

Todd Starnes, author of little words and small thoughts, endorsed by Sean Hannity, Phil Robertson, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin and Kirk Cameron, so you know he’s a bright one.

Petunia: “Want Fries With Your Stupid?”

So… let me get this right: a public school in Florida, funded by tax-payer dollars, had a program wherein a Xristian Xrazie pastor was foisted on the football team? And Petunia and Pals thinks that it is unconstitutional to end that program?

Somewhere, my high school civics teacher is weeping.

The War on Women, Cont.

women-for-mitt

It’s long been the position of this blog that there is a War on Women, and that it is a front in the larger War on Democracy being waged by the Xristian Xrazie Theocrats. Today, Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Thanks Charlie!) got their hands on a poll that sort of shows that Y’all Qaeda is truly loathed by women:

A detailed report commissioned by two major Republican groups — including one backed by Karl Rove — paints a dismal picture for Republicans, concluding female voters view the party as “intolerant,” “lacking in compassion” and “stuck in the past.”
Women are “barely receptive” to Republicans’ policies, and the party does “especially poorly” with women in the Northeast and Midwest, according to an internal Crossroads GPS and American Action Network report obtained by POLITICO…

…The report is blunt about the party’s problems. It says 49 percent of women view Republicans unfavorably, while just 39 percent view Democrats unfavorably.

…Female voters who care about the top four issues — the economy, health care, education and jobs — vote overwhelmingly for Democrats. Most striking, Democrats hold a 35-point advantage with female voters who care about jobs and a 26 percent advantage when asked which party is willing to compromise. House Republicans say jobs and the economy are their top priorities.

Meh. The skirts, whatchya gonna do, boys?

The groups suggest a three-pronged approach to turning around their relationship with women. First, they suggest the GOP “neutralize the Democrats’” attack that Republicans don’t support fairness for women. They suggest Republican lawmakers criticize Democrats for “growing government programs that encourage dependency rather than opportunities to get ahead.” That message tested better than explaining that the GOP supports a number of policies that could help fairness for women.

So the old tactic of baffling the broads with bullshit, eh, and then attacking the Safety Net. Yeah, that’ll work.

Two policies former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor promoted as a way to make inroads with middle-class women and families — charter schools and flexible work schedules — were actually the least popular policies among female voters.

Seriously, they thought that Gender Studies Scholar Iago was on to something? Cutting public education and cutting overtime pay were the way to women’s hearts? Why not just go through the chest, boys?

One bright spot is among married women. Married women without a college degree view Republicans favorably, the polling shows. Married women prefer a Republican over a Democrat, 48 percent to 38 percent.

sarcasm

So… If you keep ‘em dumb and married, you got them locked-in to vote for you! Say, that’s your policy goal anyway, so there’s the win-win solution!

Here’s Your Eggs With a Side of Stupid, Grandpa Walnuts

McCain-celebration

Senator Green Room Grandpa Walnuts tells Chuck Todd how to fix Meet the Press:

“I would suggest that rather than try to expand it into all kinds of different issues and subjects and cute little anecdotes, that we really do what you do best, that is, focus on the political dynamics that are going on in this country, which then means what are the policies, what are the dynamics, rather than expand the scope.”

Who’s this “we,” Walnuts?

I guess besides being an expert on who to bomb today, he is naturally good at programming broadcast networks, you know, most frequent guest. Put it in the suggestion box, Cupcakes.

Ooh, he has another suggestion!

“I called to congratulate you, and, as the person who has the most appearances on ‘Meet the Press,’ I’ll be glad to give you a lot of advice and counsel, including the best gotcha questions of the week. I have another suggestion: We should change the name from ‘Meet the Press’ to ‘Meet the World’s Foremost Political Junkie and guests.”

Good. Now he’s toadying up to Todd to ensure he remains the title winner.

(Tiger Beat on the Potomac – Thanks Charlie!)

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Rev. Fishsticks confirms what we all suspected: Robin Williams was possessed by demons!

  • And speaking of Rev. Fishsticks, he’s utterly fascinated thinking about the soapy water running down openly gay football player Michael Sam’s muscular, slick, naked body. Hubba-hubba!
  • PA Governor Tom Corbett is only thinking about helping women get dinner on the table. What a guy!
  • William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration PAC is organizing 73 or so rallies “in support of the U.S. Constitution, police officers, veterans, and Border Patrol agents on August 29 and 30 due to what it calls the widespread defamation and abuse of these groups at the hands of biased media and politicians.”

    (One News Now)