News That Will Drive You To Drink

Grumpy Cat cannot wait until Caiden Cowger is 18.

Grumpy Cat cannot wait until Caiden Cowger is 18.

At age 17, conservative boy-sensation, Caiden Cowger, is officially the youngest, nationally syndicated radio host ever!

(Programming note: it is our policy to not pick on children, so we are only noting that Cowger is 17 and now syndicated. But when he turns 18, all bets are off.)

The Death of the Media, Cont.

Fire 'Em All Fiorina

Fire ‘Em All Fiorina

Diabolically clever mastermind Fire’em All Fiorina has found and exploited an obvious loophole in the Campaign Finance Laws: Publish Everything.

According to the NYTimes:

“The Federal Election Commission forbids direct coordination between campaigns and super PACs, lest candidates effectively rely almost entirely on the huge, unlimited donations of a small number of billionaires. But in 2016, the groups are aggressively exploiting gray areas and loopholes in the rules, few of which the commission – deadlocked with its three Republican and three Democratic members – has hastened to close.

“Candidates and super PACs are free to coordinate their plans if the information is shared in public view. …posting video on YouTube, and…[on] Twitter…
Mrs. Fiorina and other candidates… have taken it a step further: making available advance travel schedules….

Under the rules, Mrs. Fiorina’s super PAC… could not even call her campaign staff members to see where and when she is headed next. But Mrs. Fiorina has cleverly sidestepped that prohibition: Her campaign has created a public Google calendar, which it updates weeks into the future, showing the events she has planned.”

So, in other words, Fiorina and her ilk are following the law?

Our campaign finance laws are ridiculous. This is such an obvious loophole, it had to be inserted on purpose.

The real on-going story is actually in the lede: the Federal Election Commission has been starved and left for dead by the Republican-controlled congress. No one nominated by the Kenyan Usurper has been confirmed. The FEC cannot change any existing rules, nor can they really investigate any possible violations.

Sorry Guys and Gals…

Jeebus is the light of the world.

Jeebus is the light of the world.

sex belongs to Xristians.

And in related news: Josh Duggar banged a second porn star.

Important 2016 Goat Rodeo Update! CNBC Reveals All!

The chase

The chase

CNBC, the host of the next Republican 2016 Goat Rodeo Debate, has released their criterion for appearing in the Oct. 28 debate: The candidates have to be polling at 3% or higher (which means that they really have to be at 2.5%, because they will round up).

So according to Real Clear Politics latest polling, these guys will be at the kiddie’s table:

  • Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul 2.3%
  • Boy Exorcist Bobby Jindal 0.5
  • “Google Me” Rick Santorum 0.5
  • Hot Ham aficionado Scott Walker (scratched, but still polling at 0.5)
  • Who, Me? George Pataki 0.3%
  • Huckleberry Closetcase 0.2%

Close to slipping off the grown-up table:

  • Gov. Sammiches Chris Christie 3.0
  • Uncle Sugar hisself Mike Huckabee 3.0

We’ve long predicted that Quantum Mechanics anomaly Rand Paul’s multiverse was soon going to collapse and he would reappear at the kiddie’s table, and it looks like it is finally happening. Our other predictions for Christie and Huckabee are starting to trend that way, too.

UPDATED! The Quotable ¡JEB! The Smartest Bush® (Some Fries With Your Stupid?)

White Punks on Dope

The Smartest Bush®

The Smartest Bush®

“I don’t find [the racially offensive name of the Wasington DC football team] offensive. Native American tribes generally don’t find it offensive… It’s a sport, for crying out loud. It’s a football team. Washington has a huge fan base — I’m missing something here, I guess.”


UPDATE 1: What ¡JEB! “missed” is that Dan Snyder, the owner of the team in question, paid $100K Ameros to ¡JEB’s! campaign.

When Frankie Met…

They say in time you get the face you deserve. Kim Davis got Dick Cheney's.

They say in time you get the face you deserve. Kim Davis got Dick Cheney’s.

Gawd’s Own Filing Clerk Kim Davis:

“Pope Francis met a Kentucky county clerk last week who was jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, the Vatican said on Wednesday, confirming earlier reports from the United States.

“I do not deny that the meeting took place, but I have no comment to add,” Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi said in a statement.”

OK, here’s the thing: as likable as Pope Frankie is, he’s still the head of the Catholic Church. Davis’ notoriety for denying LGBTQ people their rights falls exactly in the wheelhouse of the Church.

I’m disappointed, of course, but I am not surprised: theocracy is theocracy is theocracy. And one theocrat can always spot another.

One Lump of Stupid Or Two, Kevin McCarthy

Rat-fucking today

Rat-fucking today

Uh-oh, would-be Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy used his inside voice on Fox News:

“Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right?” McCarthy said. “But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s untrustable [sic]. But no one would have known any of that had happened had we not fought and made that happen.”

So, isn’t that like admitting that the entire benghazi, Benghazi, BENGHAZI!!1! freak-out was actually a stunt, tactical partisan politics? I wonder how much this stunt has cost the taxpayers and if the GOP caucus will pay it back?

I kid.

(Full Disclosure: I knew late Ambassador Chris Stevens, we went to school together and were in the same circle of friends.)

Let’s Open The Box With Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul!


We noted earlier this week that Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul, the man on all sides of all issues all the time, is running in the 2016 Goat Rodeo and at the same time running for re-election for his Kentucky senate seat, thus giving us even more evidence that the multiverse is real.

Anyway, it seems his PAC is also in the box with Rand Paul and may or may not be supporting him. Hard to say without opening Schrödinger’s Box and seeing the state of things.

“Rand Paul’s campaign is pushing back against suggestions that a super-PAC’s reported withdrawal of support will have a material effect on the Kentucky senator’s run for president.

“It is untruthful for a story to say that this Super PAC stopped supporting Senator Paul, when in fact they don’t seem to have lifted a finger in the first place,” said Paul spokesman Sergio Gor. “

Yeah, it is hard to say that if his PAC drops him that it will have any effect on his failing campaign. He’s doing a fine job of crashing and burning on his own.

So, let’s recap what we know: in an ever-expanding universe anything is possible. Paul could be both preznint and senator, or none, or either one, and his PAC might or might not be helping him. It’s so hard to keep track of all these different planes of reality intersecting at one point in time and space in the multiverse of Rand Paul, Schrödinger’s Candidate! Isn’t quantuum mechanics physics grand?!

Spending More Time With His Family

Poor Jud’s Career Is Dead

"It's for you!" (Stolen from Dr. Zaius)

“It’s for you!”
(Stolen from Dr. Zaius)

Whoopsie! Indiana State House Majority Leader Rep. Jud McMillin (R- naturally, as God intended) has resigned after “losing his phone.”

So what happened, you ask? Well, let’s just say someone found ol’ Jud’s phone and his spank bank was emailed to some of his colleagues.

So losing one’s phone is now Republican shorthand for sending dick pix? Yes.

(Raw Story)

Bad Packaging, Cont.

signs: black republicans

Honkey, please.

I think that someone needs to get on the Durham County Republican Party about the truth in ingredients laws or something?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)