News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Phyllis Schlafly

Phyllis Schlafly

Award winning ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly tells World Nut Daily in an exclusive interview:

“Every time they say, ‘You can’t deport these people, in my mind’s eye, I see the picture of those railroad cars carrying the illegals out of our country when Eisenhower deported them. They say it was a failure. It wasn’t at all,” Schlafly told WND in an exclusive interview.

“In my mind’s eye, I see those railroad cars full of illegals going south. That’s what they ought to do.”

There’s something unsavory about the relish and gusto in which she makes these statements. One can almost see the drool as the oven heats up…

Your 3-Martini Lunch is Served, Huckabee

Really, Uncle Sugar? By executive fiat, you will stop all abortions and un-marry the ‘mos?

Walk Like an Egyptian, Ben Carson!

Bennie 'The Blade' Carson

Bennie ‘The Blade’ Carson

Noted egyptologist Ben Carson, who has embarrassed himself publicly whenever confronted with a map (or a fact, for that matter), is considering taking a trip to show he’s hip to foreign policy:

Ben Carson’s campaign is looking to do something “different” and “unusual” before the Iowa caucuses and one of the options under consideration is a foreign trip.

Asia and Africa have been mentioned in internal discussions, as has Australia, where he worked as a neurosurgeon in 1983, a campaign official told CBS News.

“Whichever region of the world isn’t politically correct,” Carson didn’t murmur while sleepwalking to the plane. “Let’s go to the country of Asia!”

I’m OK with ‘Bennie the Blade’ Carson taking a foreign policy burnishing trip… it’s his return that I object to.

The Hot House Flowers of the New Confederacy

We begin, as we must, with a quote from The Hill:

“Donald Trump’s rhetoric since the Paris terrorist attacks appears to have helped him with GOP primary voters, according to most polls. But Republican insiders are concerned that his words could come back to haunt the party as it seeks to appeal to a broader audience.”

I’m going to continue to bang my spoon on my highchair: Donald Trump is the GOP, the more terrible the crap he says, the higher his polls go.

The Insiders in the article are so full of shit that their eyes are brown. They are not concerned that hateful, ignorant rhetoric will hurt the United States, they are concerned that it will hurt the Republican Party brand:

“There is a lot of danger in some of the things that Trump has said, for a party that needs to reach out to Hispanics, needs to reach out to young voters, needs to reach out to women. Some of the rhetoric will be put back into play in the fall, and it is not positive,” [Ed Rollins] said.

Republican insiders like Ed Rollins cultivated the bigots, nurtured them like hot house flowers, gave them a teaspoon of water and a steady feed of Fox News bullshit. And now he is worried about reaching out to hispanics, youth, and women? And let us not forget that Rollins was St. Ronnie’s campaign manager in 1984, and who was his deputy? Lee Atwater, who is probably best known as the architect of The Southern Strategy. Cry me a fucking river, Rollins. You should be the first person Audrey II gobbles up.

The Morning Quote

Deep thoughts from Marco Rubio

Deep thoughts from Marco Rubio

Ghoulish (emphasis mine):

“I obviously am not happy about the events that happened last week in Paris,” Rubio told Wallace. “But I think it’s a positive development that it suddenly has forced Americans to confront more carefully the issue of national security because it is the most important thing a President will do and it is the most important function of the federal government.”

Marco ‘Big Gulp’ Rubio, the Cold Warrior for a New Generation, and beloved grandson figure of Wingnuts over the age of 65 and under the age of death, coincidentally who is basing his entire campaign on National Security.

Bad Signs, Cont.

Bunghole Liquor

Well, that’s enough to make David Vitter blush. Or salivate.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Your Sunday Bottomless Flute of Stupid


“We’re paying them about $15,000 a year in free health care, free food, free shelter, free clothing, free transportation,” Brooks said. “That answers very quickly why so many of them want to come to the United States of America.”

“We’re paying them to come here,” the Alabama congressman concluded. “It’s a paid vacation!”

–Rep. Mo Brooks (R-AL), whose work year in 2014 consisted of 133 days (at best, if he didn’t miss any). (Think Progress)

About Last Night…

“God bless you, I am eternally grateful. I won’t let you down.”

And with those words from Governor-elect John Bel Edwards, a Democrat elected to a deep-red state in the deep-red south, begins a new era in Louisiana.

Edwards is going to have his work cut-out for himself trying to right the wreckage that boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal left the state. Allegedly the first day in office, he plans to accept free money and expand Medicaid in his state. In effect, a Republican state just voted for Obamacare.

Is this an omen for the 2016 Goat Rodeo? Probably not, as down-ticket the state remains red. ‘Sinator’ David Vitter was as loathed on the right as he was on the left, and as New Orleans blogger Adrastos from the always-excellent First-Draft noted on the Twitters last night,

…which was his way of noting that Vitter announced his retirement, too. He knows that no one would vote for him to keep his current job. And that means that there is an open seat race now in New Orleans.

And an open-seat race means a brand new way for noted incompetent DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz to fuck up. Nothing is within her grasp except the innate ability to fail.

This Exists

Darth Vader Showerhead

Yes at last you can have the Force wash over you.

The Best 7-Minutes Of My Day

No, not that, you pervs!


(If you don’t want to spend the 7 minutes, you can read the article at Vox; click the link above.)