Mark Sanford: Castanets of Fire Have Cooled

sanford-and-some-pigs-surreal

Bad-haired GOP sex-lizard and notorious Appalachian trail hiking, amateur castanet playing Lothario, South Carolina Governor Mark “Kiss Me South of the Border” Sanford, like any love-sick 14-year old boy, has posted a weepy break-up explanation to his MyFace Place:

I apologize for the length of this post, but given the gravity of the issue at hand when I sat down to write late last night a long list of things came to my mind.

Oh. Please. Dear God. No. A grown man writing those free-verse lists of meaning-filled moments, scenes from an affair. Not his dreadful poetry about eating a salad under a palm treeeeeeeee!

More than anything, I am struck by two truths. One, it seems that history well documents that those who work to avoid conflict at all costs wind up being those destined in many instances to find much conflict. Peace at all costs rarely brings it. On the other hand, Jesus was incredibly clear in the book of Luke that we are to turn the other cheek at offenses and that if someone took our shirt, we were to offer our coat as well.

Weary is the crown… oh, hawt! He wants her to go topless again?! For Jeebus!

In this light I have struggled in how to respond since being contacted little more than a week ago regarding yet another lawsuit by yet a new, and third, lawyer retained by my former wife Jenny. I first learned of it through the media and I didn’t want to respond at all, but given the level of accusation after waiting a day I gave a brief response.

My question now though is how to respond given I am being summoned to the court room again on Monday. I have prayed on it, thought on it and asked the advice of friends.

This is what happens when you ditch a southern belle for a firecracker lady, pal. Especially a very successful, high-powered and well-connected belle.

I cannot do this anymore.

So resign, you schmuck. Or jump. Whatever. Just do it, and get off the pot.

In all life there comes a point wherein lines must be drawn in the way that we attempt to respond in ways that don’t invite more in the way of conflict and add more in the way of modeling Christ’s humility in giving in every instance. I’ll never get that mix right, none of us do, but I believe it’s what we are to pursue in all of our responses to the inevitable reality of conflict in our lives.

Yeah, putz, you get to start quoting Bible words at us? That takes some brass castanets, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

I am going to get a lawyer to defend me on this case. I will instruct them not to fight back, to work to de-escalate and defuse and to look for measured justice and an end to controversy. At the time of the divorce I did not get a lawyer because I could not imagine standing in a court room with one in some adversarial form against the mother of our boys.

But you could imagine playing motorboat with a lady not your wife. What a shitheel.

Since then, and almost as clock work over the last four and one half years since the divorce, unfortunately there has been either the threat of lawsuit or actual lawsuit about every six months. In every instance I have either settled, represented myself or gotten two longtime friends to help me in responding.

So not just a shitheel, a cheap-ass shitheel. And you know what they say about lawyers representing themselves, fool?

There was also the issue of money. Spending money getting lawyers to resolve differences, when I believed any two people sitting down could do the same, also broke with my belief on stewardship…or what some would call my frugal ways.

Told ya he was a cheap screw.

As mentioned I never hired a lawyer at the time of the divorce which in practical terms means I just folded all the cards in giving Jenny what she wanted at that time. She wanted a certain financial number that I didn’t have, and so I gave her pieces of our family farm that my dad and mom assembled in the 1950’s and 60’s… I also did it because in that chapter of life I could not take any more controversy, and what Jenny had said at that time was that if she didn’t get those things we would go to court and just have another public spectacle. I found that idea haunting, and so I indeed folded all the cards and that brings us to today.

You couldn’t take any more controversy? You?! Not just a cheat, but a gutless cheat.

No relationship can stand forever this tension of being forced to pick between the one you love and your own son or daughter, and for this reason Belen and I have decided to call off the engagement.

Bet me he’s putting on his Appalachian Trail hiking boots.

Maybe there will be another chapter when waters calm with Jenny, but at this point the environment is not conducive to building anything given no one would want to be caught in the middle of what’s now happening. Belen is a remarkably wonderful woman who I have always loved and I will be forever grateful for not only the many years we have known and loved each other, but the last six very tough ones wherein she has encouraged me and silently borne its tribulations with her ever warm and kind spirit.

And let’s not forget the salad under the palm trees. He concludes with a lot of Bible words and the blessings of Jeebus who says that gutless, cheap-ass shitheels will inherit the earth. The end.

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Rick Joyner who claims to have spent a full work day in Heaven, tells us that Y’all Qaeda cannot catch Ebola and people with Ebola are cured when they are in the presence of Xristians. Or something.

  • The Hill tells us about Wingnuttia’s plans for the first 100 days when they have retaken the Senate:

    Authorizing the Keystone XL oil pipeline, approving “fast-track” trade authority, wiping out proposed environmental regulations and repealing the medical device tax top their list.

  • Famous hate group (as designated by the Southern Poverty Law Center) Liberty Council vows to take their always-losing law suit defending so-called reparative therapy all the way to the Supreme Court! Remember the other day when he said he needed $50,000 by the end of the month for his budget? Now we know!
  • Robert Stacey McCain, a real he-man, writes an epic-length analysis of Rachel Maddow for BarbWire, the blog-like thingy of Matt Barber, the man who thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night, that features (in no particular order):
    • Tarzan (likes him, maybe envies him)
    • Jane (loves, Loves, LOVES Jane!)
    • Sigmund Freud (hates him)
    • Biff Lohman (mocks him)
    • Amanda Marcott (slut-shames her)
    • Neilsen ratings (believes uncritically)
    • Marie Lynn Bernard’s blog Autostraddle (hates her)
    • A pg-13 photo of a naked pregnant lady (likes her)
    • The word Asshole (two times!)

    Spoiler Alert: He doesn’t like Rachel Maddow much. She’s a dyke.

More Disappointment for Mark Sanford

sanford-and-some-pigs-surrealMark Sanford breaks up with fiancé, blames ex-wife

Rep. Mark Sanford, R-S.C., announced Friday that he broke off his engagement to Argentine fiancee Maria Belen Chapur, saying on Facebook that he was forced to end the relationship because his ex-wife had filed a new legal complaint against him.

The post came days after Sanford’s ex-wife, Jenny Sanford, lobbed a new round of legal troubles at the former governor. Her latest legal complaint, filed Aug. 28, demanded Sanford undergo anger management and sought to modify the couple’s existing custody arrangement.

Sanford also said he had decided to hire a lawyer to defend him in the dispute. Prior to the latest legal filing, he said, he had not sought outside legal counsel in his dealings with his ex-wife despite a high-profile, heated split.

Such a shame, too, as bad-haired GOP sex-lizard and notorious Appalachian trail hiking, Mark “Kiss Me South of the Border” Sanford’s castanets were getting the rhythm.

Another Epic FAIL For D’Vorce D’Spousa

Documentarian fabulist, convicted felon, and would-be bigamist D’VORCE D’SPOUSA was one of the sponsors of the 2-Million Biker March on Washington. So How did it go?

Two Million Bikers Fall 99.9% Short

The group Two Million Bikers to DC organized its second annual rally on the National Mall yesterday, which, like its predecessor, fell far short of the goal expressed in the group’s name. Organizers said the event was meant to honor people killed in the 9/11 attacks as well as first responders and veterans – presumably that’s how they sold it to corporate sponsor Budweiser – but rally speakers also used the event to rail against President Barack Obama, Congress, and an array of right-wing targets, including gun control, Common Core educational standards, the EPA, regulation of small businesses, the destruction of free enterprise, the Bundy Ranch standoff between the BLM and armed protestors, and Obama’s purportedly fraudulent re-election.

Although organizers got pre-event press promising “thousands” of bikers – not 2 million – descending on the nation’s capital, I didn’t see more than a couple hundred at the event’s peak. Fewer than 50 were left to hear the final speakers. More than one speaker took note of the dispiritingly small crowd…

[D'Souza] sold some books — nothing close to the huge number that his optimistic publisher had brought– and took pictures with fans. Unfortunately, I missed D’Souza’s comments when I took a break, but based on the speaker who followed him, part of D’Souza’s speech was spent slamming President Obama’s recent remarks about ISIS/ISIL.

The Midday Palate Cleanser: Hero Dog Awards

The Hero Dog Awards

I thought we could use a break from the Thrilla from Wasilla and look at some heroic dogs instead fighting bitches.

Over her long career, Bretagne has made a significant contribution to the Search & Rescue community not only through her many deployments including 9/11 World Trade Center – 2001, Olympic Winter Games – 2001, and Hurricane Rita – 2005, but through her talents as an ambassador of Search and Rescue Dogs.

Bretagne is alleged to be the last surviving 9-11 search dogs.

Chaney is an eight-year-old lab who retired from the Marines in 2013 after multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan as an IED detection dog. While deployed, Chaney not only saved countless lives by locating IEDs out in front he also served as a great morale booster for everyone in his squad. Since retiring, Sgt. Chaney was adopted by one of his handlers: me, Cpl. Hatala. …instead of being on the front line Chaney has continued to save lives through education about PTSD and the ways service dogs can benefit those suffering from PTSD.

And then there’s a peace-time doggie, too:

The Hickey’s of Johns Creek, Ga., adopted Xena the Warrior Puppy in March 2013 — and this is when Xena proved to be a hero for an 8-year-old boy who needed her. Autism had left Jonny closed off and isolated. He could speak, but spent most of his time in silence. After Xena bounded into his life, he began talking and singing to her non-stop. Now a happy chatterbox at home, Jonny thrives in Xena’s company. Jonny’s thrilling his parents and teachers with the progress he’s making in school. Xena’s story has been shared in more than 105 countries around the world. Together they are “Spreading the Words” – raising awareness about animal cruelty, the kindness and gentleness of pit bulls, autism, and that shelter animals make great best friends.

I’m truly convinced that if we could become more like dogs, we would be better people.

Want Some Stupid With Your Coffee?

Teen Could Get Two Years for Facebook Photos with Jesus Statue

Some horned-up teen is facing criminal charges and up to two years in a juvie for posting pictures on his MyFace wall of him getting a beejay from a statue of Jesus. “Eat, for this is my body” takes on a new meaning. The picture is kinda funny, but that there is a statute on the books for “Desecration of a Venerated Object” is not.

Ray Rice: The Bigger Victim (UPDATED)

Only on Hannity can you have this type of argument:

“He absolutely is!” Delgado replied. “And some might say I’m defending Ray Rice here. Maybe I am, but if you watch the video, the video actually makes him look better than he did before. She repeatedly attacked him. He’s a victim — flat-out fact — of domestic violence. Only after she’s hit him several times and spit on him does he finally hit back.

“And she happens because of that blow to knock herself out on the railing,” she continued. “That was an unintended consequence, I’m sure.”

“I thought we live in this gender-neutral society. Liberals are always telling us men and women are exactly the same, they should not be treated any differently. But when it comes to domestic violence or rape accusations, the woman is automatically the wallflower, automatically the victim. I would love to have a liberal explain that to me.”

It should be noted that A.J. Delgado is a columnist for the famous segregation pamphlet National Review. Her oeuvre seems to be concerned with defending Y’all Qaeda’s white male privilege.

UPDATE 1: And then there’s this:

“The NFL will suspend you for pot for half a year. The Dolphins guy was suspended for expressing his opinion on the gay kiss. He was sent to re-indoctrination camp, he was fine. I mean if he would have punched a gay guy in the elevator, this Ray Rice, he probably would have been charged with a hate crime. He wouldn’t have been in the NFL anymore…”