The Afternoon Quote

“You look over at Israel, and that’s an armed group of folks over there. I mean, they are teachers with machine guns on playgrounds, because you got terrorists over there that would choose to harm children and whose teachers are there to protect them. When you’ve got folks that are armed and able to defend themselves, the threat of terrorism goes down drastically.”

–Lee Bright who is primary challenging Senatorette Huckleberry Closetcase advocating putting machine gun-armed teachers in US schools.

He channels his inner Rubio

Bad optics to be gulping water like a sumabitch during the press conference where you talk about how you poisoned the water in West Virginia, dude.

Also/Too: Could Freedom Industries have found a more perfectly named CEO than Southern? I think it must have been an off day for Eiron, the Goddess of Irony. Too easy.

“Innocent! Innocent, I say! Besides, I never paid them.”

Happy Jeebus

Vacaville, California Fellowship Baptist Church Pastor Mike Lewis is accused of encouraging three homeless people in his church’s care to throw a Molotov cocktail through the front window of his ex-girlfriend’s parents’ house.

When asked if he paid these three homeless people in his charge to terrorize his ex-girlfriend, he only said that “[t]hat’s a sad statement, because I never did pay them.”

(Raw Story)

News Briefs for January 14, 2014

News you can use all day

Enjoy the comedic stylings of Bill Whittle, a Fox News guest, Pajamas Media commentator and former National Review Online contributor, as he warms up the audience for high-pitched bitch-squealer Ted Cruz.

  • NoProud - Jimmy LaSalvia, the founder of the (allegedly) gay friendly GOP activist group GOProud has quit the Republican party. (Jimmy LaSalvia blog)
  • Was Fox News running Willard’s media war room:

    Some say yes!

  • Speaking of… Someone gave The Willard Mechanism a new module for bustin’-a-move:

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Dr. “Chaps” Gordon Klingenschmitt (his nickname, not mine! I swear!), a candidate for the Colorado General Assembly, for State Representative for House District 15, says that “There is a demonic spirit of drunkenness, but this drunkenness, this desire for pleasure where we invite these spirits into us … and why do you think you have hallucinations? These spiritual visions that you have are not just biological; they’re actually demonic.”

  • Glory Glomming - Liberty Counsel wants some of that sweet, sweet, scandal press. So what could be worse than Bridgeghazi in New Jersey? New Jersey’s law banning gay reparation therapy, that’s what!

    “A3371 is far more scandalous than the George Washington Bridge lane closure,” said Mat Staver, Founder and Chairman of Liberty Counsel. “Gov. Christie signed a bill that blocks licensed counselors from providing and young people from receiving any counsel to change unwanted same-sex attractions, behaviors, mannerisms, or identity. This law is causing immediate harm to young people and to licensed counselors,” said Staver.

    (Liberty Counsel)

  • Religious Liberty in OK - As everyone knows, there is no more put-upon people than the Xristian Xrazies, everyone of them is a martyr, suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, etc, amiright? Of course I am! And now the Satanists are demanding an apology following an appearance by Bernard McGuirk on Fox News who says that members of the Satanic Temple who want to erect a monument in Oklahoma City should be executed:

    “They should be able to put the statue up, and then they should be shot right next to it, and then we take it down,” McGuirk said.

    Is there no end to the outrage that Xristian Xrazies must endure? (Raw Story)

  • Maybe God has bad aim? - God is punishing Target stores (by giving them a data breach) in retaliation for K-Mart stores ad for Joe Boxer Briefs:

    And here’s the ad that has God’s knickers in a twist:

News Briefs for January 13, 2014

News you can use all day

(Petunia and Pals) “Politico, that lefty blog…” reveals Hillary’s Hit List

  • bridgeghazi! Bridgeghazi! BRIDGEGHAZI!!1!!! - The feds are now investigating how Gov. Sammiches might have misused Hurricane Sandy recovery funds to record NJ Tourism ads… starring Gov. Sammiches! (Raw Story)
  • Arizonastan! - Once again, The US Supreme Court has declined to review a lower court’s decision to block a 20-week abortion ban from taking effect in Arizona. Cue Xristian Xrazies screaming “Activist Judges!” (Think Progress)
  • St. Ronnie’s 11th Commandment Broken Again - The terrible sand people living in the terrible sand county of Maricopa of Jan Brewer’s terrible sand kingdom of Arizonastan have officially and formally censured Grandpa Walnuts for being a RINO:

    As leaders in the Republican Party, we are obligated to fully support our Party, platform and its candidates. Only in times of great crisis or betrayal is it necessary to publicly censure out leaders. Today we are faced with both. For too long we have waited, hoping Senator McCain would return to our Party’s values on his own. That has not happened. So with sadness and humility we rise and declare:

    Whereas Senator McCain has amassed a long and terrible record of drafting, co-sponsoring and voting for legislation best associated with Liberal Democrats, such as Amnesty, funding for ObamaCare, the debt ceiling, assaults on the Constitution and 2nd amendment, and has continued to support liberal nominees;

    Where as this record as been disastrous and harmful to Arizona and the United States; and,

    Whereas Senator McCain has campaigned as a conservative and made promises during his re-election campaigns, such as the needed and welcomed promise to secure out borders and finish the border fence, only to quickly flip-fop on those promises; and

    Whereas McCain has abandoned our core values and has been eerily silent against Liberals, yet publicly reprimands Conservatives in his own Party; therefore

    BE IT HEREBY RESOLVED that the Maricopa County Republican leadership censures Senator McCain for his continued disservice to our State and Nation, and

    BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that until he is consistently champions our Party’s Platform and values, we, the Republican leadership in Arizona will no longer support, campaign for or endorse John McCain as our U.S. Senator.

    (Livewire)

Lunchtime poll

Pundits are wringing their hands already because the 2016 Goat Rodeo just had another scratch of a rider in Gov. Sammiches epic implosion. The media’s usual horse race looks to be unpredictable, and they are squirming to find someone to fill the usual role of being the consensus, sensible, centrist candidate. Not that Sammiches was that person (that person doesn’t exist except in their fever dreams).

But to help Dancin’ Dave keep the Dream Alive, who should the media focus their attention on to become the consensus candidate from the Monkey House, Republicans: