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News on the rocks

The Event Horizon has occurred: Screwie Louie and Allan Keyes, the only politician nutty enough to jump into Michael Moore’s mosh pit have a meeting of the minds.

  • Always Wrong Experts Still Wrong, Always - Sweet Jeebus, the Neocons are back and rarin’ to go into Syria. And just for shits and giggles, let’s look at the PNAC document from 2001 urging Chimpy to go to war.
  • White, Like Me - In my basement, there is a box of old drawer knobs that is smarter than CA Representative Gary Miller, who today told a group of DREAMers that he too is an immigrant. From Oklahoma. (Raw Story)
  • Endless Summers - More sources within the Carebear’s camp are predicting that dimwitted sexist Clinton-era retread and Wall Street lap dog Larry Summers will be the nominee to replace Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. Kill me now, please. (CNBC)

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News you can use all day

Beanie Baby Monsters

(Petunia and Pals) Fox Medical Correspondent explains why women should pay higher healthcare premiums than men. Hint: babies

  • Sound Effects! - Oh, that madcap devil may care Laura Ingraham decided to interrupt John Lewis’s Washington March speech to play a gunshot sound and have some dead air. (Raw Story – they also have the audio; it’s long but shocking)
  • A=B, cont. - Today’s lesson in logic is brought to us by Senator Aqua Buddha who tells us that food stamps are exactly the same thing as slavery. (Think Progress)
  • Profiteering! - So Wingnuttia wants to impeach Preznint Carebear, amiright? Well, as they are won’t to do, someone is making a buck off of their misery: introducing The Impeachment Store! (World Nut Daily)

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Rev. Fishsticks likes him some godless commie Russian authoritarianism.

  • The old, college grift - Hey guys, remember when short-fingered vulgarian The Donald started a college that alleged students would learn how to become millionaires? Attorney General Eric Schneiderman sued Donald Trump for $40 million Saturday. Schneiderman says many of the 5,000 students who paid up to $35,000 thought they would at least meet Trump but instead all they got was their picture taken in front of a life-size picture of “The Apprentice” TV star. (Politico)
  • Discriminating shoppers, literally - Famous hate group Family Research Council has initiated a clothing line in time for Back-to-School shopping, so you too can show the world that you are intolerant. (Good As You)
  • Fashion Tips From the Xristian Xrazies! I like the way that the author never says that she is addressing men or women, and yet… (Charisma News)

News Briefs

News you can use all day

(Petunia and Pals) Gomer has a plan to fix the GOP’s reputation on Healthcare: just cure cancer. Big Pharma just plotzed and the American Cancer Society tore up the check to his PAC.

  • Endorsements! - D.R.E.A.M.er Senator Ted Cruz
    will not endorse fellow Texan Senator Sen. John Cornyn because: Teabaggers. “I think it is likely that I am going to stay out of incumbent primaries across the country, either supporting incumbents or opposing incumbents.” (Livewire)
  • Bubba solves the problem! - Boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal says that racism persists because minorities continue to “cling to their heritage.” He did not say this while attending a St. Patricks Day celebration, nor Octoberfest. (Raw Story)
  • Compassionate Conservativism - Love Wins Ministries , a faith-based charity in North Carolina was threatened with arrest for feeding the hungry. So, how’s that Compassionate Conservatism workin’ for ya, GOPers? You know, the thing you say will step in when you defund Social Security and Medicare/Obamacare. (Raw Story)