News Briefs for February 26, 2014

News you can use all day

(Livewire) Glamor Magazine Fashion Don’t CO Rep. Jared Polis

  • The Simple Solution - Leave it to Pat Buchanan to find the solution to all the noise over Marriage Equality: repeal all civil rights laws. No mention of when to burn down the Reichstag, though. (TownHall)
  • Bad Manners, cont. - Bless his heart, boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar southern governor Bobby Jindal is not offering any apologies for his poor manners:

    “Some of those same Democrats were pretty vocally critical against President Bush. I think this is a new standard. I know Democrats sometimes don’t like the Second Amendment. I thought they were still for freedom of speech and the First Amendment. So I’m surprised, instead of having a debate about the substance, they just act offended.”


  • A Cry for Help, Heard - Fashion Don’t Rep. Jared Polis, wearing a polo knit shirt and bow tie on the house floor, has accepted GQ Magazine’s offer for a fashion consultant. We approve. (Livewire)

Welcome to the ghost town of Branson, MO


If this legislation passes, there will be a lot of empty dinner shows in the Broadway of the Bible Belt:

JEFFERSON CITY — A Republican state lawmaker filed legislation Monday that would allow Missouri business owners to cite religious beliefs as a legal justification for refusing to provide service.

Although it doesn’t mention sexual orientation, the bill could provide legal cover for denial of services to same-sex couples.

The legislation, sponsored by Sen. Wayne Wallingford of Cape Girardeau, states that a governmental authority shall not substantially burden a person’s free exercise of religion unless the government demonstrates that it has a compelling interest.

Again, it’s only a matter of time before some snake handling Baptist is going to deny services to some fire-and-brimstone Methodist, and then shit gets real.

(Kansas City via Scissorhead KCTomato via the electronic mail device)

Happy Hour News Briefs

News on the rocks

Rev. Fishsticks:
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed to me,

  • What’s the matter with Rand Paul? – Haha, Sen. Aqua Buddha ought to step up for liberty and squash marriage equality:
  • As gays in AZ, Atheists at CPAC - The Wingnuttian hootenanny, CPAC, has just proven their theocratic bonafides and kicked out the only atheist group to ask for a vendor booth at the annual pity party and young republican masturbatorium. That’ll show those godless heathens to be atheists like Ayn Rand! (CNN)
  • Conspiracy Theories Today - Hey guys, remember how fast the FCC folded last week after Wingnuttia freaked out that they were going to do their jobs as required by law and examine if there was any barrier to entry for a new media company? Well, it seems that it was all George Soros behind the diabolical plot to reintroduce the Fairness Doctrine! Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! 9-11! (Family Research Council)

The Maths is Hard, cont.

break dancing ahead

A Republican-led bill designed to “save American workers” would cause 1 million workers to lose their health care coverage and increase the deficit by $74 billion, according to Congress’ official scorekeeper.

The party of personal responsibility and fiscal discipline forgot to carry the 2. Again.


In which Bobby Jindal adds a new skill to his LinkedIn profile

Bad Manners

Bubba Jindal

Famous boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal attended the National Governors Association meeting, enjoyed a fine brunch served at the White House, listened to speeches on how bipartisan efforts between the Administration and governors everywhere could benefit We the People, and promptly took a dump in the punch bowl:

Jindal saw the gathered press and knew in his Christian heart that this was a time to grab the spotlight and throw some red meat to the mouthbreathers of his base. Jindal, who has aspirations to compete in the 2016 Goat Rodeo, is not considered a top-tier candidate, so whatever it takes, eh, Bobby?

Bless your heart. I thought you Southern Boys were raised better than that.


The Continuing Buyer’s Remorse in AZ


The Arizona Central tells us about the on-going buyer’s remorse in the terrible sand kingdom of Arizonastan…

Three Republican senators who voted for Senate Bill 1062 say they made a bad decision in a rushed process and are now asking Gov. Jan Brewer to veto the right to refuse service bill.

Really? The GOP admits that they made a mistake? Unpossible!

“We feel it was a solution in search of a problem,” Sen. Bob Worsley, R-Mesa, said in an impromptu news conference outside the state Senate. He was joined by Sen. Steve Pierce, R-Prescott.

Ah, a solution in search of a problem. Doesn’t that kinda mean that they were looking for justification for what they wanted to do all along? Words are hard.

“While our sincere intent in voting for this bill was to create a shield for all citizens’ religious liberties, the bill has instead been mischaracterized by its opponents as a sword for religious intolerance,” the three wrote. “These allegations are causing our state immeasurable harm.”

Ah, the “it’s not our fault” clause. The legal discrimination we voted for was mischaracterized and that is what hurting our state. That we did it is immaterial.

Pierce and Worsley said the bill was moved along very quickly, not giving them enough time to convince fellow lawmakers to vote against it. Besides, Pierce said, they didn’t want to “tear apart” the GOP caucus, which was sharply divided last year over Brewer’s push for Medicaid expansion.

Now that’s a pretty unique brand of reasoning: we did it for the Party and because you betrayed us last year and accepted FREE MONEY from The Kenyan Usurper. It’s YOUR fault, Jan Brewer!

Anyway, the whole thing has now reached about third-grader comedy.

Guys, you voted for bigotry: it’s what Conservatives always do. You always punch down and kiss up. You thought that there was political advantage from the god-bothering bigots in your state to discriminate against a class of people they reflexively hate, and now you regret it because the world has called BS on you, the Superbowl is already considering going elsewhere, Apple has (allegedly) phoned to talk about canceling a special glass manufacturing plant, just about every Chamber of Commerce in the state has come out against it, and many, many other opportunities are slipping—like Arizona sand—through your grimy fingers.

You broke it, you bought it, boys.

“Will there be a quiz?”

The Rappahannock Regional Criminal Justice Academy announced on Monday that it would no longer sponsor a course for law enforcement officers which was ostensibly focused on counterterrorism, but which would have been taught by an anti-Muslim activist with a history of spreading conspiracy theories.

It seems, however, that they have let this class be taught for credit in the past. (Police officers are required to take a certain number of hours of on-going education and training, which is a good thing.)

According to a letter from 15 civil rights organizations and religious interest groups, John Guandolo, a former FBI agent and the featured speaker at the training event, “is closely affiliated with ACT! for America, a known anti-Muslim hate group, and he makes baseless, irresponsible and dangerous statements revealing his animus about the American Muslim community” — including claiming that “American Muslims ‘do not have a First Amendment right to do anything.‘”

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, Guandolo accused Central Intelligence Agency Director John Brennan of bringing “known Hamas and Muslim Brotherhood leaders into the government and into advisory positions,” and claimed that Brennan did so because he “converted to Islam when he served in an official capacity” in Saudi Arabia. Weeks later, Guandolo expanded this conspiracy to include President Obama, claiming that the president has “made a significant effort to protect known members of Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood inside this government.”

So, um, what took them so long to figure out that this guy is a grifter with an agenda?

(Think Progress)

The Morning Quote

“Hey, gals, want to avoid being raped? Put away that Lady Smith 38. No need for pepper spray. Self-defense classes? Not necessary. The solution is simple. The best defense against rape is to just cast away your “deeply troubling” Christianity and become a secularist slut.”

And that’s the lede World Nut Daily’s Matt Barber (the man who thinks more about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night than Lucky Pierre, the towel boy at the L.A. Mineshaft). It goes on from there, including the winning phrase: “It can’t be rape if you’re giving it away like peanuts on the plane.”

Methinks Mr. Barber doesn’t fly much, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

News Briefs for February 25, 2014

News you can use all day

Notable theocrat US Senate candidate Paul Science is a lie from the pits of Hell Braun from Georgia also vows that he will only vote for bills that are based on Judeo-Christian principles that this country was founded upon.

  • Georgia! - The Gone With The Wind state is now entering the Crazy State Contest by considering a Religious Freedom bill of their own to legally discriminate against gays:

    If enacted into law, HB 1023 turns religion into a veritable “get out of jail or lawsuits free” card for any state or local law. It exempts people and businesses from any government action or legal proceeding that “directly or indirectly constrains, inhibits, curtails, or denies the exercise of religion by any person or that directly or indirectly pressures any person to engage in any action contrary to that person’s exercise of religion.”

    (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)

  • Arizonastan! - The terrible Queen of the Sand people Jan Brewer says that she will “do what’s right for Arizona:

    “I’m going to go home, and when I receive the bill, I’m going to read it and I’m going to be briefed on it,” Brewer told CNN. “We have been following it. And I will make my decision in the near future.


    “I have a history of deliberating and having an open dialogue on bills that are controversial, to listen to both sides of those issues, and I welcome the input, and information that they can provide to me,” Brewer said. “And certainly I am pro-business, and that is what’s turning our economy around, so I appreciate their input, as I appreciate the other side.”

    “I can assure you, as always, I’ll do the right thing for the state of Arizona,” she added.

    If Brewer does nothing, the law is enacted, too. (Livewire)

  • Gallery Show! - Famous war criminal turned artiste Chimpy McStagger will take his finger paintings off of Pickle’s Xanax locker ice box and hang them in his preznintal lieberry in Dallas. (Livewire)