Your Daily Gohmert


“Homeland Security is so overwhelmed in trying to bring in and ship around illegal aliens and give amnesty to as many people as they can, the millions we’re told will ultimately have this amnesty, that they can’t do something as simple as protect the United States Capitol [from postal workers flying in gyrocoptors].”

The Afternoon Quote

No Regrets

The Smart Bush and Chimpy

The Smart Bush and Chimpy

“I don’t think I would have changed anything [ED. -about his involvement in the ghoulish and gruesome Terri Schiavo case],” [Jeb Bush] said in response to a questioner during a “Politics and Eggs” breakfast here Friday. “I stayed within the constitutional responsibilities or authority that I had. We changed the law first and then a year later it was ruled unconstitutional and then basically didn’t have the ability to do anything. The federal government then intervened and that was ruled unconstitutional. So, she starved to death.” (WaPo)

So The Smart Bush® would do it all again? We’re being warned that the amateur necromancer is back and ready to use the government like a bludgeon to enforce his ghoulish theocratic views, you know, into your personal lives.

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Maggie Gallagher

Wedding Bell Blues

Maggie GallagherEven though no one asked her to attend a same-sex marriage, founder of the National Organization for Marriage and notorious unwed mother Maggie Gallagher declines the invitation. But then she gives the happy couple a present anyway:

“So I would sit down with my friend and tell them this:”

“…The problem for me in celebrating your gay wedding, as much as I love you, is that I would be witnessing and celebrating your attempt not only to commit yourself to a relationship that keeps you from God’s plan but, worse, I would be witnessing and celebrating your attempt to hold the man you love to a vow that he will avoid God’s plan. To vow oneself to sin is one thing, to try to hold someone you love to it — that’s not something I can celebrate.”

Grifters Gotta Grift

Get off the Cross, cont.

piles-of-moneyThe founders of GoFundME must be so proud of the attention that their site is getting lately.

Besides bigot pizzas grifters, and possibly sabotaged car grifters, you can now fund white supremacists grifters!

Here’s the short version: some white guy put a hand-made White History Month poster in the window of his deli (and we must ask ourselves if there is a single month that is NOT white history month in the USA, but I digress). His bidness dried up, not surprisingly.

So he has started his own GoFundMe campaign, amusingly called Jimbos white history sign gone bad.

“On march 1st I hung a sign in my deli window saying, ‘Celebrate your white heritage in March, White History Month.’

“If you haven’t heard of this story and you want to read about it, just google Flemington white history or go on YouTube and search White History Month. Anyway, it went crazy for four days and then I had to take the sign down for various reasons. It was only supposed to be a white thing, but people read more into it than that.”

I bet they did, Sparky.

“I did get tons of supporting letters from all across the USA.”

I’m guessing from the Confederacy. What are the odds?

“Which was very comforting during such a stressful time.”

A stressful time of your own making, but do continue.

“Then the bottom dropped out and customers were no longer coming into my deli, and now I am forced to close down my Deli and lose my American dream.”

Because of your own actions. What lesson the class learn from this tale?

“I don’t think I deserve this just because I wanted to be proud of being white and be able to celebrate my heritage like everyone else does.”

But you do deserve it, Whitey. What message do you think you were sending, and more importantly who did you think it was going to attract?

This is called the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace. He’s raised $215 from 15 people in 4 days, which is far more than I would have thought.

You made your bed, now you get to sleep in it, apparently without delicious deli meats.

Where Are They Now?

Get Off The Cross We Need The Wood

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Hey guys, remember that mechanic in Michigan who said that he would not service the car of gay people because: Jeebus? What was his name, it was so long ago… Brian Klawiter?

Anyway, Klawiter is kinda surprised by all the attention he’s gotten since announcing with pride that he’s a bigot!

“Listen up folks, If you have an opposing view to mine that IS OK, what is NOT OK is threats to kill me, my family, and friends; threats to burn down my shop and my home. I will stand firm on my views and will not back down, (There also seems to be a TON of confusion about one of my comments, the bolt and nut thing was a reference to physiology, bolt penis and nut vagina. I DID NOT threaten to purposely put a vehicle together wrong to harm someone.)”

And then one of his vendors is asking Klawiter to cease and desist associating their brand with his bigotry:

Oh, yeah, and there’s this letter making the rounds, too.

So the local news interviewed Klawiter and reports to us:

Klawiter declined to comment Thursday morning at his shop. He looked frazzled, and seemed surprised his Facebook comments had received so much attention.

He claimed he has become the victim in this controversy. (Emphasis mine.)

So his plan is working? Let’s stay tuned.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Frothy?

Good news for the ‘mos: that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum will not stain your wedding:

Honestly, who’d ask him?

Scissorheads Rock

Long time friend of MPS, Perdurabo, shared a sampling of music from an outfit he recently started collaborating with. Scissorheads of the interwebs: enjoy.

If Scissorheads care to share their musical exploits or just songs they enjoy, by all means, please send those notes to Ye Olde Inbox at granite.rock.sound at gmail dot com. Highlight your work and get some of those suggestions out of the comments and onto the main page.

Bad Signs, Cont.

What The Heck?!

I have no idea what I’m being warned about, but Imma not going down there.

WTF Republicans, Honest-to-Blog?

It takes a lot to stun me, really it does.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck takes on the issue of the day: HRClinton’s Twitter followers:

“She can’t even be honest about the fans on her social media sites. A study was done of her Facebook page. Again, we had to go across the ocean. We had to go to I think it was The Guardian in England to get anybody in the media to do a job. They found something odd about her followers. Seven percent of her followers were from Baghdad. That’s not really comforting or real. And on Twitter, it was revealed that 15%, about 544,000 of her Twitter followers, are bogus accounts.

If her team is willing to lie about Facebook and Twitter fans and make people up just out of whole cloth, what else are they willing to lie about?

Interesting premise, but let’s do a little investigation of our own. First off all, it wasn’t the (usually excellent) Guardian, it was the (always wretched) The Daily Fail, er, Mail that worked out that HRC has some bogus followers.

Let’s dive into the Fail:, the oldest publicly available Twitter-auditing tool, reports that 44 per cent of the former secretary of state’s followers are ‘good’; 15 per cent are ‘fake’; and 41 per cent are ‘inactive,’ meaning that they never tweet or reply to any tweets.

…Another tool,, sampled 320,000 of Mrs. Clinton’s followers and found that 18 per cent were fake.

Chilling, no? But just for shits and giggles, let’s see what happens when we run Glenn Beck through the same analytic services!

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Twitter Audit Glenn Beck

Jeebus, Beck, you are slipping. That was too E-Z.

UPDATED: just checked my own scores, and I’m pleased as punch to report…
Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.06.23 PM


Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.07.39 PM

I beat Beck like a rented mule’s red-headed stepson.