Another Morning Quote

“Who’s providing all the guns to these people [Africans in the South Sudan]? If they were militia and all they had were spears or something like that, we probably wouldn’t be too concerned, but they obviously are well-armed.”

–Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Betcha can’t guess to which party he belongs.

(Think Progress)

The Morning Quote

“Well,” Grace said to the treatment specialist, “I guess that makes you and me complete space aliens, because the last thing I want is for the children — my twins — seeing me boozing it up.”

“I mean, when my husband drinks Diet Coke, I make him put it in an opaque plastic cup.”

–Nancy Grace friend of missing white girls and firing squad enthusiast, explaining why she is opposed to the Debbil’s Weed.

Bridgeghazi, cont.

ChrisZilla-and-the-Bridge

No time for blogging today (or at least not yet), as my good friend Dr. Zaius used to say, but in the meanwhile, this story on Chris Christie shaking down the mayor of Hoboken adds some more, um, understanding to how his administration works.

As the mobster teevee shows tell us, never do anything yourself that you can get an underling to do (the no-fingerprints rule). But this story really takes the cake.

Bad Ads, cont.

But, gee, your hair looks great!

Nothing like decapitating your target audience to sell them your product. So… who thought this would sell more hair setting tape (whatever that is)?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Deborah)

Happy Hour News Briefs

Drink-up, Bitchez!

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck has lost it again: There is no retirement community for lions.

  • Smoke ‘em While You Got ‘Em - Focus on the Family (a Southern Poverty Law Center designated hate group) President Jim Daly predicts that Colorado will repeal their recreational pot law. The man is in touch with the pulse of the people. Say, maybe that’s what Glenn Beck was on? (Daily Reporter)
  • Come Fire-Quench With Me - Ken Blackwell, the Ohio Secretary of State who threw Chimpy’s re-election, believes that The Kenyan Usurper will go down as “the most anti-Christian, anti-Israel administration in United States history” because Preznint Carebear is “quenching America’s sacred fire.” Say what? (One News Now)
  • The He-Man Woman Haters Club for Manly Men - Those squishes at the Republican Study Group are totally RINOs, amiright? Anyway, true conservatives will find succor in the bosom of The House Liberty Caucus, the by invitation-only club where true conservatives meet for lunch and other circle jerking. I wonder whatever happened to Bachmann-the-Nut’s Tea Party Caucus? (National Journal)

And the water is wet

Remember him?

Two news items, somewhat related, from West Virginia, where Ayn Rand’s hollow laugh echoes from her grave:

  • Water-relief tankers filled from Charleston water system — you read that right. The tanker trucks allegedly delivering fresh, safe water to the 300,000 parched residents of the chemical spell Libertarian Paradise of West Virginia, was filling the tanker trucks with the contaminated water.
  • Good work, boys.

  • Freedom Industries files for bankruptcy, owes $2.4 million to IRS — Surely it is a coincidence that Freedom Industries would enter bankruptcy protection just now, before all the class action and other law suits could be filed for poisoning the water of 300,000 people through negligence?

    “The filing also puts a hold on all of the lawsuits filed against Freedom Industries. Since the leak last week, about a mile and a half upriver from West Virginia Water American’s plant in Charleston, about 25 lawsuits have been filed against Freedom Industries in Kanawha Circuit Court. The company also faces a federal lawsuit.”

(West Virginia Gazette, West Virginia Gazette via Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Remember, they work for us

“I would love to put a bullet in [Snowden's] head,” one Pentagon official, a former special forces officer, said bluntly. “I do not take pleasure in taking another human beings life, having to do it in uniform, but he is single handedly the greatest traitor in American history.” That violent hostility lies just beneath the surface of the domestic debate over NSA spying is still ongoing. Some members of Congress have hailed Snowden as a whistleblower, the New York Times has called for clemency, and pundits regularly defend his actions on Sunday talk shows. In intelligence community circles, Snowden is considered a nothing short of a traitor in wartime. “His name is cursed every day over here,” a defense contractor told BuzzFeed, speaking from an overseas Intelligence collections base. “Most everyone I talk to says he needs to be tried and hung, forget the trial and just hang him.” One Army intelligence officer even offered BuzzFeed a chillingly detailed fantasy. “I think if we had the chance, we would end it very quickly,” he said. “Just casually walking on the streets of Moscow, coming back from buying his groceries. Going back to his flat and he is casually poked by a passerby. He thinks nothing of it at the time starts to feel a little woozy and thinks it’s a parasite from the local water. He goes home very innocently and next thing you know he dies in the shower.”

I know that in Spy novels and movies this sort of eliminationist language is expected, but these are real people whom we are paying with our tax dollars talking about killing an American citizen. All of these people are tasked with protecting us—all of us—and the Constitution, and somehow that doesn’t comfort me any that they take it so lightly.

(BuzzFeed)

The Further Adventures of Peggy Noonan

Anatomy of a Column

Noonan-in-her-cups

eggy Noonan placed the now-empty Mai Tai glass on the top row of the pyramid of glasses in front of her, precariously perched on her stool as precariously as the glasses were on the bar. A fresh Mai Tai magically appeared before her and her appreciative audience at her new favorite watering hole, The Chelsea Pier, applauded her skill and accuracy. She quaffed deeply, smacked her lips, and gave a gimlet eye to the task before her.

Noonan looked up at the wall-mounted TV to see Chris Christie was still the subject of discussion on all the talking head shows. To no one in particular, she murmured,

“Chris Christie’s problem isn’t that he’s a bully, it’s that he’s selfish,”

She took a thoughtful sip of her drink and declared:

“Barack Obama isn’t stupid and therefore the maker of mayhem, he’s selfish.”

“Take that back, Pegs!” screeched her competitor, the 6-foot tall Nancy Reagan female impersonator (complete with 5 o’clock shadow, “just like the real one,” Noonan once snickered). It was troubling to Noonan that even an ersatz Nancy Reagan would defend the imposter sitting in the same chair as Ronald Wilson Reagan, the greatest president of the last half of the last century, maybe the greatest president ever. Her little bird-like hand fluttered up to the pearl necklace she always wore, a gift from the great man himself.

“OK,” Noonan sighed, “he is stupid.” and she put another empty glass on the pyramid. There was a sharp inhalation of air from the gathered crowd.

“But the odd thing, the destabilizing thing as you think about it,”…

the glasses wobbled for a second,

“is that we’re in a crisis. We’ve been in it since at least 2008 and the crash, and the wars.”

Noonan was pleased with herself for the “at least” part. It was her escape clause when challenged that these unpleasant events transpired under a Republican president, the unthinkably simple Dubya. “Not Babs best work,” she said to herself.

Noonan was warmed up to her subject and sipping on the next Mai Tai (“only for the pyramid,” Noonan chuckled about the original challenge of the egyptian tombs. “I thirst for knowledge.”).

“We are in unprecedented trouble. Citizens know this. It’s why they buy guns. They see unfixable America around them, they think it’s all going to fall apart.”

One of the highball glasses Nancy Reagan placed looked to be sliding for a moment and then steadied itself on the top row. The false Nancy Reagan exhaled.

“In Washington (and New York) they huff and puff their disapproval: Those Americans with their guns, they’re causing a lot of trouble. But Americans think they’re in trouble because their leaders are too selfish to face challenges that will do us in.”

Looking around the bar at her audience, Noonan suddenly declared,

“There’s an increasing sense in our political life that in both parties politicians call themselves public servants but act like bosses who think the voters work for them…”

Noonan noted with satisfaction that at least some of the heads in her audience with shaking with approval. She continued.

“Politicians who jerk around doctors, nurses and health systems call themselves servants, when of course they look more like little kings and queens instructing the grudging peasants in how to arrange their affairs.”

Just then there was a large crash, as the pyramid of Nancy Reagan’s highball classes crashed off of the bar, having been nudged by a shifting shoulder pad.

“It was political selfishness that blew up the American health-care system,”

Peggy Noonan exalted triumphantly, as she placed the last Mai Tai glass on the point of her pyramid.

Our Selfish ‘Public Servants’ – From the White House to the schoolhouse to the George Washington Bridge, by Peggy Noonan