Aqua Buddha Has A Plan!

Rand Paul wants to be left alone

Famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped SEN. RAND PAUL, the Aqua Buddhist, tells us how he would deal with ISIS:

Speaking to a ballroom later, some of the loudest applause for Paul came when he quipped: “If the president has no strategy, maybe it’s time for a new president.”

In an emailed comment, however, Paul elaborated by saying: “If I were President, I would call a joint session of Congress. I would lay out the reasoning of why ISIS is a threat to our national security and seek congressional authorization to destroy ISIS militarily.”

Thanks for that, Patton.

Growing up, the young Aqua Buddhist must have heard the phrase “If I were president…” and assumed it was a common way to begin every declarative sentence. But that aside, the Do-Something Crowd (from the Do-Nothing Congress) seems to be confusing cause with effect again: You can bomb the rubble into smaller rubble and then into dust, but if Chimpy’s Excellent Adventure didn’t teach us anything else, it should have taught us that You Need A Plan.

And in related news, Tom Cruise is looking for a wife again.

Petunia and Pals Explains It All To You

…and I suppose the Other Dumb One also explained that if you didn’t say stupid stuff, then you wouldn’t be mocked for saying stupid stuff? Next up on the Curvey Couch of Dumb: 70-year old selfie fiend ¡Geraldo!

Do You Take Stupid in Your Coffee?

“In this case, you either have to convert [ISIS] — which I think would be next to impossible. I’m not giving up on them, but I’m just saying either convert them or kill them. One or the other.”

–Foreign policy wonk and Duck Dynasty personality Phil Robertson, who was asked by Hannity about how to combat radical Islam and anti-Christian behavior. Which is funny because it is exactly ISIS’ strategy.

At The Movies With The NRO

White Power pamphlet National Review has for some reason decided to get into the film review bidness, and of course being the intellectually dishonest rest stop on the Information Super Hiway, they decided to review the movies that have ruined/destroyed art, because: Hollywood liberals. Or something.

What becomes kinda obvious is that the NRO is not grading on any sort of art curve, but just on reflexive dogma: does the movie sell Wingnuttian ideas y/n? If the answer is no, then the move sucked. And when you see this list of movies that destroyed art, your first response might be, “But I saw them in the bin at the going out of business sale at Blockbuster,” but then again, all of them made more money than Rick Santorum’s ghastly films.

Here’s the intro, so maybe it can shed some light on their criteria:

Since 2004, the year that film culture split along moral and artistic lines, political and class biases have been exhibited in films that became more and more partisan. This rift was furthered by a compromised media, where critics praised movies that exhibited cynicism along with political bias.

The link goes to a NRO article that wonders why Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ was such a critical belly flop, and Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 was boffo box office. I could make the claim that Chimpy’s second stolen election might have something to do with cynicism in the air of 2004, but that would just be cynical of me to bring it up.

Anyway, here’s some of movies (from least sucky to the #1 suck in Wingnuttia) and why they suck as defined by the NRO:

  • Lincoln (2012) — Spielberg succumbs to Tony Kushner’s limousine-liberal cynicism to valorize Obama-era political chicanery.

Shorter NRO: Spielberg should stick to lovable aliens with glowing dildo fingers and leave history to telling us how the slaves had it pretty good.

  • Che (2008) — Steven Soderbergh gives Hipster Hollywood its own four-hour rebuttal to Oliver Stone’s JFK.

“Sniff. At least JFK had a happy ending…”

  • The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) — Ass-kicking espionage disparaged American foreign policy while making money off it.

Because foreign policy in 2007 consisted of Dick Cheney playing Risk. Everyone knows that.

  • Slumdog Millionaire (2008) — an Oscar-winning tale of game-show greed as an answer to systemic poverty.

Shorter NRO: Tax cuts. All they needed were tax cuts.

  • The Hangover (2009) infantilized privileged adulthood, a celebration of chaos and irresponsibility.

Bacardi Lifetime Achievement Winner Peggy Noonan wrote an entire WSJ column in which she referred to herself as Tenderfoot, and rides a horse in Wyoming. You are on thin ice here, boys.

  • Frost/Nixon (2008) — Political vengeance disguised as a dual biopic that prized showbiz egotism over conflicted public service.

Shorter NRO: Forty+ years later, and they are still defending Nixon? These people hold a grudge.

  • United 93 (2006) reduced the pain and tragedy of 9/11 to the inanity of a disaster movie.

Shorter NRO: Everyone knows that the greatest glory of Chimpy McStagger’s awesome adventure should be treated with kid gloves, and only mentioned with head bowed in silent rooms somewhere.

  • Wall-E (2008) — Nihilism made cute for children of all ages who know nothing about cultural history or how to sustain it.

Nihilism? Protecting the environment so that there might be a planet is nihilism? No wonder I never considered being a philosophy major.

  • 12 Years a Slave (2013) distorted the history of slavery while encouraging and continuing Hollywood’s malign neglect of slavery’s contemporary impact.

Shorter NRO: “But what about the happy slaves that had it sooooo good?”

  • The Dark Knight (2008) used the Batman myth to undermine heroism, overturn social mores, and embrace anarchy.

  • Good Night and Good Luck (2005) — George Clooney, president of the corrupt canon, directed and acted in a dishonest fantasy biopic of TV-news icon Edward R. Murrow to revive blacklist lore as part of a liberal agenda.

Not to split hairs, boys, but isn’t this list a blacklist?

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Rev. Fishsticks has a suggestion for Michelle Obama’s next health campaign. Yes, he goes there.

  • Rafael Cruz, the Cuban father of Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz
    tells us another thing he knows about The Negro.
  • Put on your running shoes - Fired Creationist Says “We Have The Evolutionists On The Run”
  • Guest Speakers Announced! - Kirk Cameron, Oliver North, Rick Santorum, Todd Starnes,and the Frosted Tips Twins are scheduled to lecture at Jerry Falwell’s Little School of Exorcism, Liberty University this semester. Which gives us hope that Kirk will inform us about the banana:

    It’s too bad that the video ends before Ray eats the banana, or as they say in the San Fernando Valley, the money shot.