It’s Florida, Jake

I was asked last night (as an observer of the news) what the Republican victory in the Florida special election means for the 2014 mid-terms and more broadly, what it portends for the 2016 Goat Rodeo.

Absolutely nothing. A single data point is pretty darned hard to create a trend.

The Media, as always, wanted a story and so they are reading the tea leaves and telling us that this Was A Very Special Event. And I am Asmodeus, King of the Demons.

Let’s examine the known-knowns, as Rummy would say:

  • Florida. ‘Nuff said.
  • Special Election
  • Off-cycle
  • Non-preznintial year
  • Seat held by the GOP for 30+ years
  • Allegedly flawed candidate(s)

Now, as much as Chuck Todd wants to intone in his best neck-beard way that this spells doom for the Dims and that they should run against Healthcare, and I mean this with all sincerity: the media can eat a bag of dicks.

What the media might want to look into, and I mean this with all insincerity, is that with all the money that was thrown in this race, in a long-held GOP district, with a Dim Candidate who is widely thought to be deeply flawed, why is it that the Republican won only by the skin of his teeth.

Hey, that’s a trend, too, Chuck.

Teh Stoopid: it buuuuuuurns

It seems that Wingnuttia doesn’t like it when The Kenyan Usurper does something popular with the youth:

I really think that Screwie Louie needs to look over his shoulder: he has competition for the Klown Kar’s driver seat, right there, in Texas!


I’m told that when they were planning this, the White House said it was something likely to make David Gergen barf. Success!

Then and Now (now and then)

It looks like a compare and contrast day, kids! Anyway, let’s go into the Way-Back Machine to see what Republican-lite Senator Dianne Feinstein (Hawk-CA) was saying about your Civil Rights, oh, just a couple of weeks ago in February:

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) offered a full-throated defense of the government’s collection of data on billions of American phone calls, saying Wednesday that the National Security Agency’s practices have safeguarded the nation without trampling on civil liberties.


Feinstein’s firm support for the NSA’s tracking program has divided some of her most ardent backers, and in recent months her popularity in California has plunged to a historic low.

And now let’s see what she is saying as of yesterday:

Feinstein said the CIA’s actions were illegal and violated both the Fourth Amendment and the government’s separation of powers.


“I have grave concerns that the CIA’s search may well have violated the separation-of-powers principles embodied in the United States Constitution,” Feinstein said.

“Besides the constitutional implications, the CIA’s search may also have violated the Fourth Amendment, the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, as well as Executive Order 12333, which prohibits the CIA from conducting domestic searches or surveillance,” she said.

So what changed in just a couple of short weeks?

The CIA conducted an unconstitutional search of a Senate Intelligence Committee computer network that amounted to illegal spying, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) charged Tuesday in a dramatic speech on the Senate floor.

Ah, I see. DiFi was spied on and didn’t like it. The End.

The Morning Quote – the Keep Digging edition


“I’ve twice run against women opponents, and it’s a very different kind of approach,” he tells me. Different how? “For those of us who have some chivalry left, there’s a level of respect. … You treat some things as a special treasure; you treat other things as common.” A male opponent is “common,” a woman requires “a sense of pedestal.”

The chivalrous –Mike Huckabee, theocrat squirrel-frying potential 2016 Goat Rodeo contender, speculating on running against Hillary Clinton. (The New Republic)

UPDATE 1: But wait! There’s more condescending to be had!

“I believe in equality, and I have a record of transforming that belief into action,” the ex-governor told Salon in an e-mailed statement. “However, equality doesn’t mean sameness.”

As Salon noted this morning, Huckabee told The New Republic’s Nora Caplan-Bricker, who had asked about a potential 2016 match-up against Hillary Clinton, that a female opponent required “a different approach.” To illustrate the contrast, Huckabee told Caplan-Bricker that he treated his wife “very differently than I treat my chums and my pals. I wouldn’t worry about calling them on Valentine’s Day, opening the door for them, or making sure they were OK.”

“I was raised to treat women with respect,” Huckabee told Salon in his afternoon statement. “I still will invite a lady to go first, will open a door for her, and will place her in the center of the photograph. And yes, I would seek to treat a female opponent with the same respect I give to all women, even though we may disagree on the issues.”


News Briefs for March 12, 2014

News you can use all day

angry robot attacks

  • Missouri - The Missouri legislature is working on 32 different anti-choice bills and there’s only one abortion clinic left in Missouri! (Think Progress)
  • Kentucky- Kentucky churches withheld $7M from Sunrise Children’s Services because the children’s home had proposed ending discrimination against gay employees. However, the policy of discrimination puts Sunrise at risk of losing government funding, which provides 85 percent of its $27 million budget. (Raw Story)
  • West Virginia - Officials at WV’s Division of Culture and History have asked Hurricane High School student Grace Pritt not to read “Black Diamonds,” a poem that honors the widows of the Upper Big Branch Mine Disaster at West Virginia Governor’s Arts Awards ceremony this week. After the news went viral on social media, officials at the Division of Culture and History changed their minds, calling the whole thing a “miscommunication.” I’m shocked too: who knew that WV had culture? (Raw Story)

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Our Lady of Good Shoe Wear and Bountiful Pasta Cindy Jacobs interviews self-proclaimed Apostle (no. really) John Benefiel (“The Statue of Liberty is a demonic idol and that homosexuality in an Illuminati conspiracy”) who says that Ancient Egyptians and Phoenicians sailed here and dedicated this continent to Ba’al and that’s why we’re f***ed.

  • Let’s listen to the guffaws and applause as Elsa, She-wolf of the Nazis Ann Coulter compares the changing demographics of America to being raped. Insert your own joke about vagina dentata here. (Raw Story)
  • Matt Barber, the man who thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night had a busy day today. Beside lamenting Congressional Bathhouses on icebergs, now he is threatening to split away from Wingnuttia and start a third party. GO, MATT, GO! (One News Now)
  • According to Breitbart, Wingnuttia’s dark horse candidate for the 2016 Goat Rodeo Dr. Ben Carson says that gun registries are a first step towards declaring Martial Law. Cold! Dead! Hands! (Fair Warning: read the article at the dead guy’s site carefully, or at least more carefully than the Koro-suffering author intended: none of his assertions are actual quotes or even attributed to Carson. It’s pretty funny it is so sloppy.)

Your Daily Gohmert


“I’m willing to postpone as much of [Affordable Care Act] as we can, hoping that in 2016 we really will get a president who has the best interest of a free nation at heart and not one going socialist. If we keep doing little fixes to it, that also helps keep it, so I would rather postpone it as much as possible without doing little fixes because the little fixes could end up giving us a system where we see the morality rate start coming down, you die earlier, not because it’s an actual death panel but because you don’t get the treatment.”

– Screwie Louie explaining that access to healtcare will kill us all.

In Which Matt Barber Has A Sad

The man who thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night Matt Barber has a sad following the liberal goings-on at CPAC:

A chorus has begun. What is this? Have party-goers launched an impromptu rendering of “America the Beautiful”?

No, this is a chant, joined by scores – a hundred or more perhaps – of young conservative bacchanalians on multiple suite balconies and from the open air bar below. What is that they’re chanting? Is that, “Amer-i-ca! Amer-i-ca!”?

At first, it’s hard to tell. It’s a booming echo that reverberates throughout the entire hotel.

And then it becomes clear.

Alas, our next generation of conservative leaders are not chanting, “Amer-i-ca! Amer-i-ca!” They are, instead, chanting, “F**k O-bama! F**k O-bama!”

And I hang my head.

So, now, children at the hotel, parents, staff, tourists – both foreign and domestic – and every other conceivable variety of guest who happens to be staying at the Gaylord National hotel during CPAC 2014 has a skewed, and likely irreversible, first impression of America’s conservative movement.

Or is it skewed?

Actually, Matt, that chant seems to be the summary of the modern conservative movement. Do go on.

attendees, both young and old, are as appalled and embarrassed by these drunken yuck monkeys as am I.

But I think the very fact that these blazer-clad, Cro-Magnon morons could even imagine, for a moment, that it’s somehow cool to publicly chant “F**k Obama!” – or “F**k” anything for that matter – speaks to a much larger problem, not just within the conservative movement, but, more importantly, within our entire culture.


Gee, Matt, maybe they are just paraphrasing former VP Blam-Blam when he said something similar on the floor of the Senate a few years back? You know, as a tribute to a great statesman? Also/Too Yuck Monkeys: Genius.

I’m never going to win a popularity contest. It’s not my goal to be liked. I’ll probably never be a “Fox News contributor” or even broadly recognized as a dutifully compliant cog within the greater, GOP-heavy “conservative” political wheel.

It’s good to set achievable goals, Matt. They say that recognizing the problem is only the first step to solving the problem.

That’s because I say things like this: There is no political fix to America’s death spiral.

I bet you get all the chicks in the dorm with deep lines like that, you should carry a copy of The Bell Jar, too.

We are drowning in a turgid river of postmodern relativism. This is a spiritual problem, not a political problem. This is a worldview matter, not a partisan matter.

Turgid: 1 bombastic, pompous, overblown, inflated, tumid, high-flown, puffed up, affected, pretentious, grandiose, florid, ornate, grandiloquent, orotund; highfalutin, purple. ANTONYMS simple.
2 swollen, distended, tumescent, engorged, bloated, tumid.

Libertine libertarianism has infected the conservative movement like a cancer. Situational ethics, driven by emotional, anecdotal sob stories, are used to justify every moral wrong as an absolute right. “Get off the social issues!” they demand. “Gay marriage? No problem.”

Says the man telling a national audience a sob story about conservative millenials chanting an obscenity at a public venue. Also/too: cancer is not infectious.

These gun-toting, free-market “conservatives” (of which I’m both) grace us with beauties like this: “I’m a ‘pro-choice,’ ‘pro-gay’ conservative,” or, “Yeah, I’m shacking up with my girlfriend, big deal.”

“Do you have thighs like pistons,” he did not ask as a thread of drool didn’t escape his gaping maw. Interesting how his imaginary rhetorical conversation is with some dude about his slut girlfriend, but not talking to the slut about her libertine boyfriend.

Relativism blurs the fixed lines of demarcation between right and wrong, which leads to the abolition of absolute truth, which leads to pockets of moral anarchy, which leads to Barack Obama and Eric Holder deciding which laws to ignore and which laws to enforce, which leads to lawlessness, which leads to chaos.

“Betcha didn’t know that giving your slut girlfriend the ol’ quick-quick led to all that, now did ya?,” Barber did not say. “Let’s talk more about your piston-like thighs, shall we,” he did not add.

Welcome to chaos.

Yes. The “social issues” matter.

The battle is not Republican vs. Democrat. Neither is it conservative vs. liberal. The battle precedes time itself. The battle is right vs. wrong. The battle is moral vs. immoral. The battle is truth vs. the lie.

The battle is between good and evil.

The battle is between oil and vinegar, between peanut butter and chocolate, between Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck, between red and white wine…

We’ve been playing political Ping-Pong for decades.

Your arms must be tired. What’s the score, by the way?

We’ve been, as they say, rearranging the chairs on the Titanic while Democrats take the helm for a spell, and Republicans take the helm for a spell.

Can you squeeze in another cliché, Matt? Are you paid by the word for this?

The reality is that both political parties have driven us into the iceberg, and then pranced off together, hand-in-hand, to play best-of-three racket ball at the congressional bathhouse.

BOTH SIDES DO IT! Gah! And it seems they are doing it in a Congressional bathhouse on an iceberg. The End.

(World Nut Daily)