The Beatitudes, Sonnets 18, 20 and 53, and Bryan Fischer’s Calm, Reasoned, Response

Bryan Fischer is a national treasure. Let’s see, in about 2 minutes he covered:

  • 9/11
  • Jihadists (varied)
  • Pearl Harbor
  • Slavery
  • Serfs
  • Plantations
  • Whips
  • Sodom and Gomorrah

I haven’t been to party like that in years.

I’m not a theologian and I come from a long line of doubters and questioners, but it seems to me that Rev. Fishsticks—and his Y’all Qaeda brethren—prefer the Old Testament filled with wrath and rage and the Ten Don’ts. I prefer the New Testament and The Beatitudes:

Blessed are…

  • the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
  • those who mourn: for they will be comforted.
  • the meek: for they will inherit the earth.
  • those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be filled.
  • the merciful: for they will be shown mercy.
  • the pure in heart: for they will see God.
  • the peacemakers: for they will be called children of God.
  • those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Just lovely stuff that, and it proves (to my mind anyway) that Jeebus was a DFH, just like us, and certainly nothing like Fishsticks, who will probably never see God if the Beatitudes are indeed right.

What happened today in the US was one of the greatest civil rights moments of our era. Gay people can now openly enjoy the language of love: gay teens (who have the highest rates of suicide of all) now have a chance to know that they will be loved and can have a happily-ever-after life; romantic couples of all genders can now openly swoon at Shakespeare’s sonnets (which some academics think were written to a young man he loved); and LGBTQ people of faith (and there are plenty of them) can now read the very erotic Song of Songs and openly revel in the sexy joy heretofore concealed.

Today was a watershed moment. Rev. Fishsticks sees Sodom and Gomorrah, and I am seeing paradise. What a funny world we share.

(Weirdly, the NYTimes’ Frank Bruni agrees with me.)

The Death of the Media, Cont.

Same-sex couples to get big Social Security bonus
(Fair warning: you are treated to an auto play video)

This is the kind of headline that really frosts my cookies, so to speak. Doesn’t it just sound like, OMG, Special Rights for the ‘Mos!

Wanna know what the big bonus is?

“But since Friday’s historic Supreme Court decision recognizing same-sex partners’ marriages as a constitutional right, those couples will be able to use the same benefit-boosting strategies — including benefits for spouses, ex-spouses and survivors of deceased workers — as straight married couples.”

Jindal Wins The Afternoon!

Boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal

Boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal

Noted boy exorcist, infamous volcano scholar, and 2016 Goat Rodeo contender polling in the low 1% Bobby Jindal just won the afternoon:

“The Supreme Court is completely out of control, making laws on their own, and has become a public opinion poll instead of a judicial body. If we want to save some money lets just get rid of the court.”

(The Advocate)

Your Daily Gohmert


“May God forgive our Supreme Court majority for its arrogance and its self-apotheosis.”

(World Nut Daily—the whole article is just chock full of nutty goodness.)

The 3-Martini Stupid is Served, Alabama!

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice and Ayatollah Judge Roy Moore has posted on his book of faces:

MONTGOMERY: The Foundation for Moral Law, a Montgomery-based legal foundation dedicated to the defense of the Constitution and the rights of religious persons, says the battle for traditional marriage will continue despite the decision of the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down laws prohibiting same-sex marriage.

Today the Supreme Court voted 5-4 to reverse a ruling by the Sixth Circuit Court of appeals that had upheld the marriage laws of Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee, holding that the right to marry a person of the same sex is guaranteed by the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution. But the Foundation for Moral Law is blowing the whistle on the illegitimacy of today’s decision.

Not only does the U.S. Supreme Court have no legal authority to redefine marriage, but also at least 2 members of the Court’s majority opinion were under a legal duty to recuse and refrain from voting. Their failure to recuse calls into question the validity of this decision.

“This means we’ve got more work to do, but we are determined to do it,” said Foundation President Kayla Moore. “The Foundation is involved with a same-sex marriage case in the Middle District of Alabama, and that case will continue. There are issues in this case that the Supreme Court’s decision didn’t resolve.”

Foundation Senior Counsel John Eidsmoe added, “Marriage is in institution created by God at the beginning of time, and I question the authority of an unelected Court to change it. And eternal standards of right and wrong do not change with time, with court decisions, or with public opinion.”

Foundation Executive Director Matthew Kidd said further, “As a result of this decision, churches, businesses, and individuals are likely to come under attack for following their moral and religious convictions about same-sex marriage. When they are attacked, the Foundation will be there to defend them.”

He’s all yours, Alabama.

What Comes Next?

Get Off The Cross Someone Needs The Wood

The last time Y'all Qaeda tried to rally against marriage equality had a few glitches...

There were a few glitches in the messaging the last time Y’all Qaeda tried to rally against marriage…

And so today (mark your calendars, kids) is the beginning of equal rights for the LGBTQ communities, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth is only just starting. As you know, Y’all Qaeda has been preparing for the End Times, well, since the beginning of time. Each time one of these apocalyptic moments arrives, they do something squirrelly.

They’ve been predicting everything from the imminent wrath of the Divine to civil war with stops in between to nail themselves to the cross. We’ve read that they know that they will be interned in FEMA camps, and in variations on the theme, that churches will be confiscated and ministers thrown into jail. We’ve even read that they claim the Bible will be outlawed.

The Xristian Xrazies, when they have not been nailing themselves to the cross, have been making contingency plans: separatists want to leave godless America for Russia (I still giggle over that one, and I’ve offered to buy a box on #2 lead pencils and direct them to the Post Office for the Change of Address cards to no avail), they have vowed a Constitutional Amendment to outlaw marriage equality, and have declared civil disobedience will be the rule of the day. And of course, they have vowed to enact more We Don’t Serve Your Kind laws.

I’m sure they are protest-marching to the Walmart in Possum Hollar even as I write this.

When Lady Liberty met Lady Justice…

And so now the big day is upon us, and when I took a quick survey of the Xristian Websites, so far nothing much had been posted. I’m sure that the roar will start soon and it will be furious. I’m also sure that the Republikan Klown Kar will be fundraising off of this decision and each of the 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders will be declaring themselves the One True Conservative.

Deer Eating PopcornAnd like Voting Rights, they will begin nibbling away where they can, and like Roe V. Wade, marriage equality will be their litmus test for public office. I have no idea how long it took when interracial marriage became legal to becoming acceptable to them, but I suspect this will be different and will take longer to settle down.

In the meanwhile, Popcorn anyone?



By a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that state bans on same-sex marriage are unconstitutional, reports the SCOTUSblog.

Holding: Fourteenth Amendment requires a state to license a marriage between two people of the same sex…And to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex when a marriage was lawfully licensed and performed out of state.

Each of the four opposing judges (Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas) have written their own dissent.

“Scalia’s dissent has an awesome footnote on page 7 (note 22): he says, “If, even as the price to be paid for a fifth vote, I ever joined an opinion for the Court that began: ‘The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity,’ I would hide my head in a bag. The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Story to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie.” He is not happy with Justice Kennedy.”

Full decision is available here.

“The nature of injustice is that we may not always see it in our own times. The generations that wrote and ratified the Bill of Rights and the Fourteenth Amendment did not presume to know the extent of freedom in all of its dimensions, and so they entrusted to future generations a character protecting the right of all persons to enjoy liberty as we learn its meaning.”

Leave No Cliché Behind: Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz smells his record.

Ted Cruz smells his record.

Senator Ted Cruz, the Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist, is not happy with the SCOTUS decision on Obamacare and he gets out his most florid purple pen to let us know:

“Today’s decision in King v. Burwell is judicial activism, plain and simple. For the second time in just a few years, a handful of unelected judges has rewritten the text of Obamacare in order to impose this failed law on millions of Americans. The first time, the Court ignored federal law and magically transformed a statutory ‘penalty’ into a ‘tax.’ Today, these robed Houdinis transmogrified a ‘federal exchange’ into an exchange ‘established by the State.’

“…For nakedly political reasons, the Supreme Court willfully ignored the words that Congress wrote, and instead read into the law their preferred policy outcome. These judges have joined with President Obama in harming millions of Americans. Unelected judges have once again become legislators, and bad ones at that. They are lawless, and they hide their prevarication in legalese. Our government was designed to be one of laws, not of men, and this transparent distortion is disgraceful.

“…At the same time, crocodile tears are flooding our nation’s capital today over the Supreme Court’s decision to illegally rewrite Obamacare, which has been a disaster since its inception. But one day of faux outrage from the Washington Cartel won’t fool the millions of courageous conservatives across our country. They know the Republican leadership in Washington is quietly celebrating the Court’s decision. If they believe this issue is now settled so they don’t have to address it, they are sorely mistaken.”

Transmorgified, lawless, robed Houdinis, nakedly political, crying crocodile tears of faux outrage. Yes, I’m cherry picking, but I would do that if I was editing his press release, too, and maybe he should consider editing one of these days. Hey, I’m just a blogger, he’s a Senator, he should be held to a higher standard.

Bad Packaging, Cont.

Is It Soup Yet?

I hope it says that it is made with real cock.

(Hat tip: Scissorhed Big Bad Bald Bastard)

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Ah'm as popular as a fart in church back home!

Ah’m as popular as a fart in church back home!

Boy exorcist and famous volcano scholar Bobby Jindal tells us that we should study him. And I am NOT making this up, it’s from his campaign website:

Bobby Jindal