News That Will Drive You To Drink

Once again, we take our chances as we look inside Schroëdinger’s Box at Senator Rand Paul to see which side of what issue he is on today! Is he a flip-flopper? No, he’s Schroëdinger’s Candidate! Let’s open the box, shall we?

So hear that, young libertarians out there? Senator Paul speaking to a roomful of Y’all Qaeda preachers and pastors in a closed door session wants a tent revival because Marriage Equality is the result of a moral crisis. Sure sounds like someone who wants more freedom for everyone, huh?

Get Off The Cross, We Need The Wood (Part Infinity)

BarfingWell, we could see this one coming a mile away:

Liberals’ anger ‘off the charts’ after IN governor signs bill

“Gov. Mike Pence signed the bill March 26, making Indiana the 20th state to pass the measure, which is similar to the federal law, often referred to as RFRA.

Micah Clark of the American Family Association of Indiana says the debate revealed “the true hostility” toward religious liberty in the U.S.

“Because the opposition against this bill, and the hatred against people who support it, is simply off the charts,” Clark tells OneNewsNow, accusing opponents of using scare tactics about a bill that President Bill Clinton signed into law at the federal level.”

As always, the REAL victims here are the Xristians.

The 3-Martini Stupid

Jeebus weeps

Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear Cindy Jacobs has a new grifter prophet, Rebecca Greenwood, joining her as a sidekick on her God Knows grift program.

Greenwood’s prophetic gift is predicting movie plots.

‘My Nose Runs, My Feet Smell, And I Don’t Love Jeebus Anymore’

I’m not a fan of country music, never have been. My favorite Altman film is Nashville, which is actually about the intersection of celebrity and politics, but it features some of the best country music satire ever recorded, and I ate it up with a spoon. Country Music is usually all so cheesy, well, the title of the post says it all.

Of course there have been individual songs or groups now and then that against all odds make it through to me. But now I’m going to have to listen to a song, only because it has Y’all Qaeda’s panties in a bunch, at least according to the WaPo:

“Alana Lynn, a morning co-host on country music station 104.3 FM in Boise, Idaho, was excited to play Little Big Town’s latest single for her listeners. “Girl Crush,” a powerful ballad about a woman envious of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, seemed destined to be a hit.

“I want to taste her lips, yeah cause they taste like you / I want to drown myself in a bottle of her perfume,” vocalist Karen Fairchild sings. “I want her long blond hair, I want her magic touch / Yeah cause maybe then, you’d want me just as much… I got a girl crush.”

“Sure, it’s a provocative way to describe jealousy. But when Lynn played the song on the air, she didn’t anticipate that she would get furious phone calls and e-mails accusing “Girl Crush” of “promoting the gay agenda” and threats to boycott the station. The last time she heard this much outrage from listeners? “The Dixie Chicks’ President Bush comments,” Lynn recalls, referring to when the trio’s career imploded in 2003 after making critical statements about the president.”

From what I can tell, this is happening at Country Music stations across the country, and I know you will find this shocking: it appears to be coordinated. According to Raw Story, the song is in the top 10 sales on iTunes, but it is only at 33 in radio airplay. So my guess is that the stations GMs are the people getting bombarded, which makes it sound very organized: go to the guy who can make it happen. But the real tell: calling it The Gay Agenda.

Goodbye Harry Reid – UPDATED

harry-and-the-bird-surreal

I’m never sure how to react to anything Reid does/doesn’t do. He surprises me when he displays a backbone and infuriates me when he doesn’t, but the one thing I know for sure is that if his likely replacement as the leader of the Senate Dims is Chuck Schumer (D-Wall Street), then I will miss him greatly.

Even though I remind everyone that No Means No, I hope that Sen. Warren might step up, though I doubt that the squishy Dims would support her.

UPDATE: Ugh – Harry Reid endorses Chuck Schumer to succeed him as Senate Minority Leader

I Haz A Sad

gohmert

Screwie Louie was only teasing us yesterday when he said he might be a 2016 Goat Rodeo contender.

The Morning Quote

vitter.jpg

Diaper-fetishist Y’all Qaeda Sen. David Vitter (R-Dead Hooker) objected to a proposal by Senate Budget Committee Chairman Mike Enzi who wants to switch to dollar coins as a budget-cutting measure. So Diaper Dave filed an amendment with the Senate Budget Committee that would…

“strike out a provision that makes it easier for Washington elites to force Americans to give up their dollar bills and use dollar coins, like Europeans.”

The Gold Buggers in the Ayn Rand Fanclub are going to have a sad today.

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

Meet Sylvia Allen, a proud, gun-carrying member of Y’all Qaeda and State Senator from the terrible sand kingdom of Arizonastan. Ms. Allen has a great idea for us to consider: we should legislate that EVERYONE has to go to church on Sundays (but, you know, she would let us go to the church of our choice, so that’s cool, she’s no extremist) to “rebirth morals,” which sounds kinda messy:

Bad Signs, Cont.

jesus-entering

And right below it is a daycare announcement. Oh My.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Patrick Bjork)

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Fashion-forward Rep. Aaron Schock (R-Lindsey Graham’s Closet), the man who gives millenials an even worse reputation, gives his final speech in Congress:

So you see, he’s just like Honest Abe (except for the honesty part, and that Schock served 3 terms and Lincoln only one, and….)