And a Child Shall Lead Them

The kid is a natural:

A candidate running to represent Michigan’s 95th House district in the state legislature wants you to know that once you look past his bizarre sexual fetish and multiple felony convictions, he is a rock-ribbed conservative Republican, whose “stool of conservatism” is held up by “faith, family and freedom.”

His “stool of conservatism”? Oh, my. Is it Mark Sanford? John Ensign? Newt Gingrich? Larry Craig? Henry Hyde? Mark Foley? David Vitter? Who is it?!

Michigan Live reported Friday that Saginaw’s Jordan D. Haskins dismisses the arrests and prison time as the results of youthful indiscretion and said that he is ready to “move on from that and do what I can” to serve his state as a Republican state Representative.

“I have dreams,” Haskins said to Michigan Live, “and I want to make a difference.”

Oh, we all have had those dreams, son.

Haskins, 24, has served prison time in two states and is currently on parole, but there are no rules preventing him from running for the state House.

He’s qualified as any Wingnut anywhere in Greater Wingnuttia! He should run for the Goat Rodeo! Teabaggers, we have found your King!

On four occasions between April of 2010 and January of 2011, Haskins broke into vehicles on public and private property, disconnected the ignition wires, then started the engine. As the wires snapped and spit sparks, Haskins would masturbate to climax in a sexualized ritual he calls “cranking.”

Well, that’s different. Auto auto-erotica?

Here’s Your Cheese Sandwich With a Side of Stupid

Fox resident psychiatrist Keith Ablow (who may or may not have a license to practice) says that The World Cup is conspiracy to distract the masses from, you know, The Kenyan Usurper’s many impeachable offenses.

Who Let The Pigs Out?

Castrating pigs is like cutting spending? Make politicians squeal by castrating them? Metaphors are hard for me. And yes, this is real.

The Creation Debate, cont.

From BuzzFeed

BuzzFeed “asked 22 self-identifying creationists at the Bill Nye/Ken Ham debate to write a message/question/note to the other side.” The messages are jaw-droppingly stupid, and few of them have much of anything to do with evolution or natural selection. But the happy fellow above actually makes me feel sorry for him with the dumbest question of the lot.

We know that sex ed for Xristian Xrazies consists of Don’t Do It and is followed by prayer and weeping, but surely even they have noticed that they look different from their own parents, and from their own siblings. Genetic diversity is one of the most comforting facts in all of science for this reason alone.

UPDATE

God looks after the simple.

I might have mentioned elsewhere that my family is not Catholic, but the parochial school was two blocks away and for convenience my parents enrolled me there where I lasted about two weeks. When we were being instructed on the origins of the universe as being created by God, I asked the logical follow-on question, “OK, so who created God?”

Boom. Kicked out for heresy. I always suspected my father was rather proud of that, but back to the public school for me on the other side of town.

(BuzzFeed)

A New Hope for Florida: Victoria Jackson

Generally, MPS stays out of local politics, you know, being from somewhere and not from somewhere else we think national politics is the subject at which all the Scissorheads can take aim, but this bit of news from Wonkette might change all that:

Victoria Jackson is thinking about (hahaha, Wonkette just slays me) running for local office in whatever hellhole she lives in. Take it away, Dr. Zoom:

Victoria, we love you and your tenuous grasp on reality, and so of course we urge you to go for it. Don’t worry about the mechanics of campaigning: If you run, Wonkette will be delighted to serve as your campaign committee and one-stop campaign headquarters! We know you’ve got what it takes to succeed in politics in the Sunshine State: A fierce devotion to your principles, regardless of “facts” or “logic,” and a deep-down love of what you think is in the Constitution. You can do this, Victoria — You can make the run for Alderaan, and in less than 12 parsecs, too!

We fully endorse Wonkette endorsing Victoria Jackson’s candidacy, and if there is anything we can do to help that Florida coconut take root in her city council’s race, we’ll sign on with Dr. Zoom’s campaign.

(Wonkette)

How do you plan to celebrate…

…National Lynching of Obama Day?

A conservative Facebook group this week suggested that the lynching of President Barack Obama should be made into a “national holiday.”

Earlier this week, Examiner.com’s Robert Sobel pointed out that the Facebook group “America the next generation” had posted a photo of the president in a noose with the caption “The making of a National Holiday.” The image was apparently a composite of Obama’s head and a frame from the leaked video of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein being executed.

After some discussion between members of the “America the next generation” group and criticism from other Facebook users, the photo was eventually taken down. Some group members feared that lynching the president could make him into a “martyr.”

Secret Service on line 1, fellas.

Raw Story has the image, I refuse to post it here. You have to give Wingnuttia credit for not taking it down because it is disgraceful, but because it would make The Kenyan Usurper a martyr. It’s unbelievable what goes on in those brains.

And now we know that the October Surprise was true!

I mean, Jim Garrow seems totally credible to have been a secret agent for Saint Ronnie and to have handled secret and delicate negotiations with the Iranians in Winnepeg or whatever, and threaten to nuke them.

The South (and My Lunch) Will Rise Again

The Va Flaggers are THRILLED to announce that we have finalized a lease to acquire property adjacent to Interstate 95, just South of Richmond, and will be erecting a 50’ pole, on which a 10 x15 Confederate Battle Flag will fly 24/7, 365 days of the year.

The flag will serve to welcome visitors and commuters to Richmond, and remind them of our honorable Confederate history and heritage. The location is also historically significant, as Confederate troops are believed to have camped in and around the area during the Bermuda Hundred Campaign.

So, let me summarize: some people have plans to raise the flag of the traitors and KKK next to an Interstate Freeway to “welcome” people to Richmond, which I guess means welcome the right people to Richmond. Everyone else, not so much.

Give yourself a pat on the back, Reince Priebus. Your rebranding is going swimmingly well. Oh, read the comments lest you think that this might be enthusiasm run amok.

(Free North Carolina via Freakout Nation)

Eat for this is my body…

…takes on a whole new meaning:

Dick church

Yes, this is a Christian Science church, as seen from above. They are upset about it, and they intend to do something about it:

Now, the Christian Science Church in Dixon, Illinois has promised to protect its modesty by telling Facebook followers a “giant fig leaf [is] coming soon”, after an aerial image of their building went viral.

They’ve been coving things up for years, so it should happen fast. Giggle while you can, Scissorheads.

(Daily Kos)