Hope They Glued Oven Mitts On His Hands

Methinks Josh Duggar is gonna be starring at locks, longingly.

Methinks Josh Duggar is gonna be starring at locks, longingly.

Josh Duggar, the poster boy of the hypocritical Xristian Xrazies and Theocrats everywhere, has checked into rehab for his porn addiction as TMZ tells us.

And his family, the quivering quiverfull grifters, er, Duggars, have released a statement that even Dr. Freud might describe as a slip:

“We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, care and prayers for our family during this most difficult situation with Josh.”

“As parents we are so deeply grieved by our son’s decisions and actions. His wrong choices have deeply hurt his precious wife and children and have negatively affected so many others. He has also brought great insult to the values and faith we hold dear.”

“He negatively affected our bottom line,” the CEO of Grift Inc, didn’t say in the first draft. “The little putz killed the self-righteous goose that laid the golden egg. He wanted to get fucked, so now he’s fucked. But good.”

Midday Sermonette

In case you are wondering, Rena Lindevaldsen is the (acting) Dean of Liberty University Law School (which may or may not be accredited in all states, your mileage may vary, objects in mirror are closer than they appear, kind-clean-and-reverent, etc.), which as we all know is the proud alma mater of our old pal and Konstitutional Skolar One-L.

Your Sunday Bottomless Mimosa of Stupid is Served, Duggars

Show us on the doll(s) where the bad man touched you.

Show us on the doll(s) where the bad man touched you.

Well, TLC—the channel that used to be educational before becoming exploitation—is nothing if not opportunistic. Liberaland is reporting that TLC decided to reap some benefit from having the child-molesting Duggars on their network for so long by returning the family to the spotlight for a documentary on… child molestation:

“In honor of its effort to raise awareness of child sex abuse (along with its effort to raise awareness of the television network TLC), TLC has decided to run Breaking the Silence commercial-free, Perez Hilton reports. The network has also partnered with anti-abuse orgs RAINN and Darkness to Light in the interest of adding credibility to its attempt to repent for the sexual abuses suffered by the Duggar girls and former TLC star Honey Boo Boo’s sister Anna.”

TLC did do the right thing by canceling the Duggar’s hit show when they became aware that Josh Duggar admitted to fondling his sisters multiple times (and at least one friend of the family that we know of), but there is something unseemly (to me anyway) about making and airing a documentary for ratings on a story in which you played a part. Maybe they are hoping for penance of some sort (as well as ratings)?

At any rate, one hopes that 19 eyes and counting will watch the documentary, as well as other members of the Quiverfull movement, which literally keeps women pregnant and under the absolute control of men. As much as I hate the phrase, this could be a teachable moment.

(Hat tip: sharp-eyed reader Dean via email tip line, Crooks & Liars, Liberland)

“And in the Name of the Father, The Son…”

Onward Christian Mujahideen!

Onward Christian Mujahideen!

“…and the Holy Ammo.”

“When members of Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison got together to decide what to do with unused property behind the church building, they decided to create a gun range.

“We have had this large hole in the back of our property at the church for quite some time, and we thought it would be neat to start a gun range,” Rocky Mount United Methodist Pastor Phil Guin said. “The hole was primarily filled with kudzu, and had been used at one time to get fill dirt for the new facility that was built on the end of our church building.”

“Guin said several female church members mentioned they owned or carried firearms but did not know how to properly use them.”

The Prince of Peace wants them to blast their way into Heaven.

Good catch, Scissorhead McDee, we need the Holy Hand Grenade:

When the Cannibals Attack…

Hey guys, remember the other day when sexually disgraced pastor Jim Bakker told us about the marauding blah gangs of Chicago and NYC urban cannibals that are going to descend to feast upon us as we go into the End Times so please buy his buckets of potato slop?

Yeah. That guy.

Well, it seems that he has a new grift warning for us today so we better buy his buckets of glop: the sun is going to attack us too, and when it does the electrical grid will go down, just like it did in 1859, so buy a horse (probably from him?):

I’ll leave it to your imaginations how the the downing of the grid of 1859 set free the cannibals of that day.

Anatomy of a Rat-F***ing

Only the Shadow knows!

Only the Shadow knows!

This piece in Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) by Sen. Claire McCaskill (the Blue Dog Dim I love to hate) is absolutely priceless: she describes in great detail how she rat-f***ed Todd Akin.

Essentially, McCaskill and her team knew that Akin was the weakest potential candidate in the pack running against her, so they wanted him to be the one she would face. Pretty standard stuff to hope and wish for.

But what sort of sets this ahead of the game is that she also knows how much she is hated in her state and uses that to her advantage:

“…So how could we maneuver Akin into the GOP driver’s seat?

“Using the guidance of my campaign staff and consultants, we came up with the idea for a “dog whistle” ad, a message that was pitched in such a way that it would be heard only by a certain group of people. I told my team we needed to put Akin’s uber-conservative bona fides in an ad—and then, using reverse psychology, tell voters not to vote for him. And we needed to run the hell out of that ad.”

“As it turned out, we spent more money for Todd Akin in the last two weeks of the primary than he spent on his whole primary campaign… This presentation made it look as though I was trying to disqualify him, though, as we know, when you call someone “too conservative” in a Republican primary, that’s giving him or her a badge of honor. At the end of the ad, my voice was heard saying, “I’m Claire McCaskill, and I approve this message.”

So essentially she paid to have the uber-conservative message of Akin broadcast all over her state so the Xristian Xrazies would come out in droves to make him the GOP nominee, and then in the general election she squashed him like a bug.

It’s a fun read. She shotguns a beer in victory (maybe I’m too harsh on her?) and laughs at the nutty religious things her very conservative constituents think/believe.

Cry Me A River

duggar2‘Lord I need your help!’: Michelle Duggar has meltdown following reality show cancellation

I’m sorry, but when your whole business plan is based on exploiting 19 children (and counting) and appearantly criminal conspiracy to cover-up molestation you sort of lost me, Michelle.

Have a heaping bowl of Karma.

(Raw Story)

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid

The Fox Effect, cont.

Erick the Red

Erick the Red

Our blog’s old pal E-Squared has disinvited short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump from addressing his gathering of paste-eating mouth-breathers at the Redstate Gathering (which still sounds like a bad horror flick on the ABC Movie of the Week to me). Take it away, Ewick!

“I have tried to give a great deal of latitude to Donald Trump in his run for the Presidency.

“He is not a professional politician and is known for being a blunt talker. He connects with so much of the anger in the Republican base and is not afraid to be outspoken on a lot of issues. But there are even lines blunt talkers and unprofessional politicians should not cross.

“Decency is one of those lines.

“As much as I do personally like Donald Trump, his comment about Megyn Kelly on CNN is a bridge too far for me.

“In a CNN interview, Mr. Trump said of Megyn Kelly, “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.”

“It was not the “blood coming out of her eyes” part that was the problem.

“I think there is no way to otherwise interpret Mr. Trump’s comment. In an attempted clarification, Mr. Trump’s team tells me he meant “whatever”, not “where ever.”

Can it be that Ewick son of Ewick, the man who called a sitting Justice of the US Supreme Court a child-molesting goat f***er has boundaries? Or is it that as a Fox News contributor (not sure he’s still on the payroll, but whatevs) he’s just following orders.

Anyway the liberal side of Twitter is going a little frothy finding some of his more choice lines about the ladies, and the conservative side is taking Ewick to the woodshed, you know, for being politically correct.

Deer Eating PopcornPopcorn, anyone?

E-Squared Wants To Take The Kobayashi Maru Out For A Spin

Vikings and Beekeepers

Vikings and Beekeepers

Star Trek nerds know that the Kobayashi Maru is a no-win training scenario that is designed to see how leaders react under pressure of imminent failure:

I mention this only because our old Pal E-Squared has decided to lead his forced-birthers into battle over the lack of willpower to defund Planned Parenthood over the rat-fucking that Y’all Qaeda has long planned:

“If Republicans are not willing to make this their hill to die on and even see the government shutdown to stop this, the Republican Party needs to be shut down.” (emphasis mine)

Please shut it down, Ewick. I’ll be your best pal if you do in the lead-up to the 2016 Goat Rodeo.

“You will be made to care about this. You will not be allowed to sit by and make excuses.”

We have ways of making you talk. Oh, wait. Wrong meme.

UPDATE 1: In a second post (just in case the first one was not clear enough), Dorquemado goes further:

“Republicans in the Congress are beginning to use the word “try.” They will try to defund Planned Parenthood. But the President has a veto and they do not have the votes to override the veto.

“Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) 47% has moved from try to “can’t.” He says Republicans cannot defund Planned Parenthood because of the President’s veto.

“This is really, really simple.”

You know what’s coming, right?

“If Abraham Lincoln’s Party cannot go to war against that where war is not bullets, just a government shut down until the President relents, then Abraham Lincoln’s Party needs to be put on the ash heap of history. It really is that simple.” (emphasis mine)

Your words fascinate me, Eric Son of Eric. I say in the lead-up to the 2016 Goat Rodeo if you want to lead your Christian Soldiers into another theocratic war and shut down the government, go to town. Make sure those seniors who vote have their Social Security checks halted and the planes carrying their beloved grandchildren for a visit are grounded. Good plan.

Some Fries With Your Stupid?

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a  crucifix!

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a crucifix!

It’s been a while since we checked in with our old pal Coach Dave, who is now writing for News With Views. Let’s see what he’s up to, shall we?

“The root word of violence is violate. To violate is “to take away, interfere with, or ignore (something, such as a person’s rights or privacy) in an unfair or illegal way.”

“Despite what we have been taught, violence does not always imply the use of physical weapons such as guns, knives, bombs, or clubs. It is possible to be violent simply by using words.”

It’s called ‘Hate Speech’. Go on, Dave. You’re an expert and I’m all ears.

“Our nation, once purposed to be modeled after God’s Kingdom has been stolen from us. We have been violated, not with physical weapons, but by the use of words, laws, ridicule, and indoctrination.”

No! Not ridicule! Say it ain’t so!

“…But Christians have bought a lie. We have swallowed the bait that Christians are not supposed to be aggressive…forceful…warriors.”

Yeah, first thing I think of is baby Jeebus, warrior.

“Christians are losing the culture war. Every institution in America is now under the control of those who hate God. Our public schools, government, universities, entertainment, legal, media, political parties, and churches are under the control of the kingdom of darkness.”

That would be the Republican Party, Dave. They are running most of the state governments. Do continue.

“They slaughter unborn babies and force us to pay for it. They sell their little body-parts for personal gain. The [sic] command you to bake homo-cakes and demand you violate your conscience.”

Homo-cakes? Is that a cake that does it with other cakes?

“…Loving the sinner and hating the sin hasn’t worked. That was Gandhi’s suggestion, not our Lord’s. Loving sinners more than we hate their sin validates our own shortcomings. Jesus called us to “be perfect”, not “love the sinner.”

So sweet Baby Jeebus was really all about the hate, huh? Have another slice of homo-cake, Dave.

Anything you want to say in conclusion?

“People are flocking to Donald Trump because he is violent and militant in his language. The church needs some militant, violent, Christian Donald Trumps. It is time to man-up.”

Oh, FFS. This whole thing was leading up to a Xristian Xrazie endorsement of The Donald?