News That Will Drive You To Drink

Don Feder, the president of listed hate group World Congress of Families presents the Top Ten Reasons Why Hitlery Will Never Be President. Here’s a taste from his introduction before he gets to his list

“Think Evita after Botox treatments. Think Madame Defarge on a bad hair day. Think Lady Macbeth with serious issues (“Out, out, damned bimbo!”).”

“To listen to the babbling heads, you’d think the Goldwater girl-turned-Alinsky-disciple could start preparing her acceptance speech (maybe Eleanor Roosevelt will help her write it). “Ooh, she’ll raise so much money.” “Ooh, women want a woman president.” In the immortal words of General Anthony McAuliffe: “Nuts!”

“Win the White House? Hillary couldn’t win a popularity contest if she was the only contestant. “

“Here are the Top Ten Reasons Hillary Rodham Clinton is more likely to become a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model than the next president…”

Writing comedy is hard, Barbie!

Let’s just say that he then does his best 1990s Yakov Smirnoff-Letterman Top 10 Countdown hybrid, his two-drink minimum routine is mostly hitting Bill Clinton’s weiner for punch lines. That is, until he gets to the recycled Yo Momma So Ugly part of his routine:

10. The Hideousness Factor – Lyndon Baines Johnson was the last profoundly ugly candidate to be elected president, and he was a legacy of the martyred JFK. Voters don’t want a leader who looks frazzled or frumpy. We’re told that Lincoln was too homely to be elected president in an age of television and paparazzi. But Lincoln’s homely face had a dignity, a gravitas. If nothing else, we want a face that reassures us, not one that scares us, a la Night of the Living Alinskyites.

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And just so you know that his assessment of the attractiveness of Clinton is completely on the up and up, as you can see, he’s a hunka-hunka burnin’ love, a veritable handsome devil hisself.

The Morning Quote

Maybe K-Lo is available, boys!

Maybe K-Lo is available, boys!

The GOP-controlled Congress has only one woman chairing a committee, and she is due to retire at the end of the year, and due to the arcane rules of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club (Motto: What War on Women?), there are no contenders in the wings to fill her pumps:

“If we don’t have a woman chairman, that will be a big problem,” said a former GOP leadership aide.

Maybe they should try Craig’s List?

(The Hill)

More News From The Front: The War On Women, Cont.

Ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly explains why we should limit the number of women who go to college, you know, so the woman who do go to college can earn their Mrs. Degree?

News From The Front Lines Of The War on Women

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This is what happens if you don’t take science classes, kids!

BOISE, Idaho — An Idaho lawmaker received a brief lesson on female anatomy after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam.

The question Monday from Republican state Rep. Vito Barbieri came as the House State Affairs Committee heard nearly three hours of testimony on a bill that would ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing medication through telemedicine.

Dr. Julie Madsen was testifying in opposition to the bill when Barbieri asked the question. Madsen replied that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina.

“Fascinating. That makes sense,” Barbieri said, amid the crowd’s laughter.

2016 Goat Rodeo Update: Let’s Look At Who Jeb Is Hiring!

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Hey! Let’s look at what the smart Bush, NotChimpy bought! Meet Ethan Czahor, who will be Jebbie’s 2016 Goat Rodeo Chief Technology Officer, you know, as soon as he deletes a few things:

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He seems nice.

Guess technical genius Ethan Czahor didn’t know that the Internet has a very, very long memory? Or perhaps like all Wingnuts, he thinks he’s smarter?

I can hardly wait to see who else NotChimpy hires, because Leadership begins with finding the right people to lead.

Because We Love A GOP Apology

Hey guys, remember that time some Wingnut from West Virginia told us that rape babies are beautiful and that’s why women should carry them to term? (All together now: “Me Neither!”) — Well, Rep. Brian Kurcaba has apologized in the best good mannered way of Y’all Qaeda:

Kurcaba, a Republican from Monongalia, issued a statement Friday apologizing to “anyone who took my comments about the sanctity of human life to mean anything other than that all children are precious regardless of circumstances.”

Take that, sluts.

Where Do They Find These People?

Candidate for governor of Satan’s Hollow, er, Missouri, Catherine Hanaway tells us about the real War on Women:

(It’s long and so awful you might expect Nicolas Cage to make an appearance, but YouTube helpfully provided a transcript…)

“So, the liberals want to talk about conservatives waging a war on women. But, think about what they’re talking about. When their chief criticism of conservatives, the chief criticism is that we stand up for the sanctity of life. That because we are pro-life we are somehow against women.

I am here to say that their culture of permissiveness towards sexual activity is the real war on women. Let’s start with the notion, well it’s not a notion, it’s a fact, that the fact that the culture of sexual permissiveness has led to record levels of out of wedlock births.

Or maybe it might be restricting access to any form of birth control or sex education? And then too ensuring that women will never have equal pay for equal work, or in any way be treated with the same privilege as a man. But let’s not split hairs, right? Do continue.

But it goes a step further, and it’s that step further that I want to talk about today. And this is the hard part. So, if you pursue this course that sexual permissiveness is to be valued, which is the liberal framework and that you should protect sexual permissiveness through abortions and other things, you lead to a conclusion where every sexual preference is acceptable.

Now, I still think and pray that an overwhelming majority of Americans believe that those who have a sexual preference for children are evil. But I will tell you that in the four years I spent as the presidentially appointed united states attorney, which is the chief federal prosecutor, a tremendous amount of my time was devoted to child pornography related crimes.

Full-stop. Oh, FFS, what the hell? Seriously? What kind of self-loathing concern trolling is this? Are you really telling us that the outcome for women being in control of their own fates and bodies is child porn?

OK, if we distill that involuted argument, then aren’t you really arguing that as a solution women should have no consent over what happens to them sexually, like children in child porn? Are you really arguing in favor of… rape?

That is a big mug of Ttongsul, and too early in the morning to drink it, if ever. Where does Y’all Qaeda find these lumpen rape apologists, and why are they always from Missouri?

Your 3-Martini Stupid

Suppose the pay gap between men and women were magically eliminated. If that happened, simple arithmetic suggests that half of women would be unable to find what they regard as a suitable mate.

Obviously, I’m not saying women won’t date or marry a lower-earning men, only that they probably prefer not to. If a higher-earning man is not available, many women are more likely not to marry at all. […]

The best way to improve economic prospects for women is to improve job prospects for the men in their lives, even if that means increasing the so-called pay gap.

–Ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly

(Hat tip: Think Progress via Scissorhead and unindicted co-conspirator Axel Grease on the tips line.)

The Morning Quote

Dos dere trashy broads at Fox have Huckabee reaching for his salts. Well, as they say in the south, “Bless his heart.”

“In the South, or in the Midwest, there in Iowa, you would not have people who would just throw the F-bomb or use gratuitous profanity in a professional setting,” Huckabee told host Jan Mickelson in a Friday appearance on Des Moines’ “Mickelson in the Morning.”

“In New York, not only do the men do it, but the women,” he said.
“My gosh, this is worse than locker-room talk,” Huckabee continued. “As we would say in the South, that’s just trashy.”

Some trashy broad at Fox

Some trashy broad at Fox

Grab your pearls, Huck, I’m sure that the Scissorheads will be trashy.