News That Will Drive You To Drink

Schlafly surreal

Ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly is on to us, my fellow Liberals!

Damn, the plan was so flawless, to “get the illegals to jimmy the election.” Who ratted us out?

The Morning Quote

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

“My base is really beyond just evangelicals. I think the untold secret is a lot of the support that I have, and that I anticipate I will have, is from the working-class, blue-collar people who grew up a lot like I did – not blue-blood, but blue-collar.”

Mike Huckabee dismisses fellow theocrat Ted Cruz’s chance of winning the Y’all Qaeda vote.

Pence Speaks!

…and he dissembles—but stays on message—robotically, which is a pretty good trick for a man as stupid as a tree stump.

This is also more proof to my assertion: The Obama Era is all about trying to fix the damage that Bill Clinton (Best Republican President Ever) inflicted on us in the 1990s. How many times does Pence say Bill Clinton?

And Now We Know

Governor Mike Pence signs Indiana's We Don't Serve Your Kind into law with the approving gaze of the various mullahs, clerics, and militia tribesmen.

Governor Mike Pence signs Indiana’s We Don’t Serve Your Kind into law with the approving gaze of the various mullahs, clerics, and militia-leaders and tribesmen.

Get Off The Cross, We Need The Wood (Part Infinity)

BarfingWell, we could see this one coming a mile away:

Liberals’ anger ‘off the charts’ after IN governor signs bill

“Gov. Mike Pence signed the bill March 26, making Indiana the 20th state to pass the measure, which is similar to the federal law, often referred to as RFRA.

Micah Clark of the American Family Association of Indiana says the debate revealed “the true hostility” toward religious liberty in the U.S.

“Because the opposition against this bill, and the hatred against people who support it, is simply off the charts,” Clark tells OneNewsNow, accusing opponents of using scare tactics about a bill that President Bill Clinton signed into law at the federal level.”

As always, the REAL victims here are the Xristians.

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

Meet Sylvia Allen, a proud, gun-carrying member of Y’all Qaeda and State Senator from the terrible sand kingdom of Arizonastan. Ms. Allen has a great idea for us to consider: we should legislate that EVERYONE has to go to church on Sundays (but, you know, she would let us go to the church of our choice, so that’s cool, she’s no extremist) to “rebirth morals,” which sounds kinda messy:

Mad Men

Listed hate group American Family Association has placed an ad in the WaPo (fair warning! PDF! Also fair warning: the link goes to One News Now, a Xristian Xrazie news site) to speak directly to the Supremes:

AFA is running a full-page ad (right) in The Washington Post on Tuesday directed at the U.S. Supreme Court, which will hear arguments on homosexual “marriage” in April. “As you deliberate on marriage,” reads the ad, “remember whose idea it was in the first place.”

Oh yeah, 10 pieces of silver and a goat for the girl.

“Will you bend what God designed merely to suit the desires of man, knowing that you do so at the expense of children, perhaps even civilization itself?”

OK, how about 15 pieces of silver if you throw in the other daughter and the son with the harelip?

Theocracy takes its way, picking and choosing according to whim. The same arguments were made for endorsing slavory, so it is really hard to take fire and brimstone seriously.

Some Texas-Style Fries With Your Stupid?

Jeebus weeps

Y’all Qaeda Rep. Sam Johnson (R-TX) introduced legislation to force the Air Force Academy cadets to say “so help me God” during their oaths at the beginning of every school year.

You see, some cadets found it troubling and so the Air Force made it optional. They don’t have to say it, and this offends the theocrats, what with pilots being up in the sky nearer to Gawd than thee, where (as St. Ronnie put it after the Challenger space shuttle blew up) they touch the face of God and whatnot. (Thanks a lot, Peggy Noonan for making everyone think that that numbskull read John Magee, or read at all)

What’s that? You want some ketchup with your fries?

“Let me be clear: Americans have the freedom of religion – but not freedom from religion.”

Oh, boy-howdy, someone needs to return to high school civics. Not only is the freedom from religion enshrined in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights, but it is also in the Constitution itself: Article VI tells us that “no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

It’s my favorite article for battling Y’all Qaeda when they tell me that the Founding Fathers intended for this to be a Xristian Theocracy.

2016 Goat Rodeo Update!

Cruz

Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz allegedly will announce his candidacy tomorrow.

Dawg save us all if this mendacious buffoon ever gets into the oval office.

The essential Balloon Juice has an interesting analysis of Heidi Cruz and the strange puff piece in BuzzFeed the other day (which now makes sense to me):

It may just be my stubborn Democratic mindset that I can’t understand the logic of “I wanted to improve life for poor people in foreign countries, so I worked hard to get George W. Bush elected, served a stint in the Latin American branch of Condelezza [sic] Rice’s NSC, and then took a high-level job at Goldman Sachs while my husband broke into big-time Texas politics.” But then again, Laura Bush did get to be First Lady… for all the good it did her (not to mention the rest of us).

Rev. Fishsticks: The Debbil Made Megyn Kelly Do It

Our old pal, Rev. Fishsticks postulates that Satan is helping ISIS and all them swarthy Mooselums invade Gawd’s Own Exceptionalism by posessing blonde Fox News host Megyn Kelly and bending her to his will (Hubba-hubba!).

And here’s Megyn Kelly taking on boy exorcist Bobby Jindal that incited Rev. Fishsticks to say that Ol’ Scratch hisself is puppeteering the Fox News host.

I guess Rev. Fishsticks amongst his many other talents (konstitushunal scholar, physics brainiac, administer of leeches) has yet to master the legal rhetoric of being the Debbil’s Advocate.