God Told Grifter Jim Bakker To Wear Black Panties

…but HE never said that they had to be men’s undies, now did He?

“Oh, and buy a bucket of potato slop,” Bakker didn’t add while adjusting his bustier.

That Gawd is quite a kidder, huh?

He Seems Nice (Some Fries With Your Stupid, Part Infinity)

Theodore Shoebat continues along his theme of converting everyone to be a Xristian or killing them. Today, he finds the link between homosexuality and cannibalism.

And after watching that, did anyone else of the body think about Landru?

And Now A Word From Bryan Fischer

The Book of Goldman Sachs

Capitalist JeebusOur old pal Rev. Fishsticks wants to remind us all that Jeebus Was Not A Socialist:

“Rumors continue to persist that Jesus was a socialist, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For instance, he did not believe in the involuntary redistribution of wealth. He never once commanded government to dig its hands into the wallets of its citizens to give their money to somebody else.”

I’m not a theologian, but even I can tell that there’s a horse in here somewhere.

“For instance, in the parable of the workers in the vineyard we find Jesus frowning on the concept of collective bargaining and even the minimum wage. “

I hear a horse whinnying.

“At day’s end, the foreman begins paying the workers, beginning with the last hires on down to the first. The last hires, who worked just one hour, receive a full denarius. This leads the first hires, who’d worked all day in the hot sun, to think they’re going to make bank. But when they get to the paymaster’s window, they receive exactly what they had been promised – a denarius – and no more.”

The plutocrats are all on one knee, weeping with joy.

“Notice, first of all, that the means of production here are in private hands, in the total control of the owner. Government does not own this business, which would be socialism, nor does it tell this business owner how he must run it, which is fascism. He is free to do with his business assets as he sees fit with no government interference whatsoever. That’s capitalism; that’s free enterprise.”

Interesting definitions you got there, Fishsticks. Please do continue.

“There is no collective bargaining here. Each worker is free to strike his own deal with the owner for whatever wage they finds mutually acceptable. The bargaining over wages here is individual in nature, not collective. Each worker is free to enter into whatever contractual arrangement he wants with his owner.”

With his owner?

And that, kiddies, is the end of today’s lesson: Capitalism, good for the owners.

Pastor Samuel Rodriguez Welcomes…

Grifters Gotta Grift

…Our Lady Of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear Cindy Jacobs to the stage:

Methinks he’s angling for a promotion or sumpin’? Jeebus, could he lay it on any thicker?

Since the time MPS started paying attention to her, you may recall Jacobs was able to miraculously prevent:

  • Financial Collapse
  • Assassination of the President (well, her kid did)
  • Terrorist Attacks
  • Coups of various sorts

And you might recall that she has miraculously:

  • Raised the Dead
  • Cured the Insane
  • Restored Hymens from Hysterectomies
  • Made people grow several inches

And of course, there is the good shoe wear and endless pasta.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News

What free-range conspiracy theorist and johnny-come-lately doomsday prophet Glenn Beck fails to tell us is that the Ten Commandments Statue at the Oklahoma statehouse was ordered removed by the Oklahoma Supreme Court because they found it unconstitutional with that state’s constitution. And the US Supreme Court would find it unconstitutional, too. The Establishment Clause would be the grounds for striking it down.

There was a lot of wringing of hands today in Y’all Qaeda over this, including my favorite claim of the theocrats: the the US Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments.

Most of the Ten Commandments have to deal with religious behavior and matters of theology: no worshipping graven images, how to adulate The Big Guy, honor Sundays, and whatnot, none of which appear in the Constitution (nor, coincidentally do Gawd, Jeebus, or Xristianity — and as the Constitution is more than 4,000 words long and the Ten Commandments are about 100, there was plenty of room to slip them in).

Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin went so far as to claim that having the statue should be allowed because the Ten Commandments is also in the Torah, so therefore this statue covers more than just one religion. Except that the Commandments are different between the Torah and the Old Testament, and when you start to compare the Catholic/Jewish/Protestant versions, the commandments are not the same at all, the sequence is different and so on; one you shalt not kill, another is more specific, you shalt not murder. Catholics don’t have anything about graven idols, but they break the coveting bidness into two separate commandments (those horny devils!), while protestants and jews have the much more pithy, blanket commandment: Don’t covet!

And less you think I’m splitting hairs, these differences are the reasons that we have so many protestant denominations. It was worth breaking up over them once upon a time. So nice try, Fallin, but it still favors only one religion.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Tennessee?

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

Tennessee is giving Kentucky a run for the money in the Crazeee State Contest!

This is what happens when you elect theocrats in Blount County, Tennessee; they try to pass legally binding resolutions on Jeebus’ Dad. Seems that they were expecting divine retribution for marriage equality.

“WE adopt this resolution before God that He pass us by in His Coming Wrath and not destroy our County as He did Sodom and Gomorrah and the neighboring cities… As the Passover Lamb was a means of salvation to the ancient Children of Israel, so we stand upon the safety of the Lamb of God to save us.”

Good luck enforcing that one.

Here’s a link to the resolution if you want to read this in its entire, nutty goodness.

UPDATE: The tab refreshed as I was writing, and it seems that the County Council adjourned the meeting before taking up the measure.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Don't call me babycakes unless you mean it.

Don’t call me babycakes unless you mean it.

Save the date! Citizens for a Pro-Life Society, Created Equal, and the Pro-Life Action League, are planning a nation-wide protest of Planned Parenthood on October 10!

And why, do you ask, are they doing this? Because they find useful the highly edited, grim snuff porn fanfic released by the Center for Medical Progress for the purposes of agitating the rubes:

Thousands are expected to attend these protests with the purpose of creating awareness of the barbaric practice of abortion and the sale of aborted baby body parts — a scandal that has erupted in recent weeks due to undercover videos released by the Center for Medical Progress.

You mean create awareness of something the fetus-fondling god-botherers dreamed up as yet another way to take away a woman’s right to have her own private choices respected.

What: Protest PP’s disrespect for human life, harvesting and selling of aborted baby parts

You mean medical tissue donated with the permission of the patient.

Where: Hundreds of Planned Parenthood facilities across America

Hundreds of facilities, most of which do not provide abortion services.

When: October 10, 2015 from 9:00am-11:00am

Mark Harrington, Created Equal’s National Director said:

“#ProtestPP is not an event but a movement of Americans who are taking action. These undercover videos have awakened the conscience of the nation to barbarous acts of the abortion company – Planned Parenthood. Now is the time to act!”

Mark Harrington is going to have a problem getting past St. Peter at the gates.

Eric Scheidler of the Pro Life Action League said:

“The only way we’ll ever shut down Planned Parenthood is to dramatically increase the pro-life presence at their abortion centers. On October 10, we’ll show what it should look like at Planned Parenthood every single day — tens of thousands of pro-lifers praying, protesting and offering help at hundreds of Planned Parenthood locations all over the country.”

Here’s the tell: “The only way we’ll ever shut down Planned Parenthood…” It’s a goal looking for a justification.

Monica Migliorino Miller, Director of Citizens for a Pro-Life Society says:

Hey! They found a woman! That isn’t supposed to happen!

“When innocent unborn children are killed and their bodies further desecrated through the harvesting of their body parts, their broken bodies used as a commodity for profit–it is essential that people who uphold the sanctity of life cast a spotlight on this barbarity. This is what we plan to do October 10th. We want to make it clear that Planned Parenthood cannot hide under the cover of their carefully packaged public reputation that all they are about is offering health care to the disadvantaged when underneath that veneer of care and altruism lie the bones of the dead unborn killed in Planned Parenthood abortion clinics and their body parts put up for sale. This is the truth and this is what we will continue to expose to America on Oct. 10th.”

Oh, Monica, you know when you send a box to your cousin in Florida, you pay FedEx for the shipping? Shipping a book isn’t free, and the specialty shipping of medical tissue isn’t free either. I’ve sat on commercial flights with people transporting organs in specially designed ice chests for a transplant that will save a life. I have not tried to deny medical assistance to anyone, so someday you’ll have to tell us all how that feels playing god and holier-than-thou with people’s lives.

These people are monsters on every level who will give an end-justifies-the-means defense of their lies with self-righteous smugness every time.

The Quotable Huckabee

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

“We have not so much a gun problem, we have a problem with sin and evil.”

That’s quite an agenda you’re running on, Gomer. Now take your words and put them into action…

Josh Duggar

Some Fries With Your Stupid, One-L


Our old pal One-L continues to be excited by the end times:

I’m all in favor of it if Y’all Qaeda gets raptured up and we never have to deal with them again! Win-win, says I. Pro tip: don’t look up if they do get raptured; seeing Phyllis Schlafly or Pat Robertson overhead in the buff with their grim look of satisfaction is not a sight you probably want to see.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Mat Staver? UPDATED

Somewhere, Cardinal Dolan is smiling.

Somewhere, Cardinal Dolan is smiling.

The Vatican’s PR trip to America now in complete tatters, and multiple announcements proclaiming that his (secret) meeting with Kim Davis was not what it appeared to be, all we are left with is another he-said, she-said dialogue of the various theocracy marketing departments proclaiming victory!

The battle of the press releases over Gawd’s Own Filing Clerk Kim Davis continues!

“Neither Kim Davis nor Liberty Counsel ever said the meeting was an endorsement of her legal case,” the law firm’s founder, Mat Staver, said in a press release. “Rather, the meeting was a pastoral meeting to encourage Kim Davis in which Pope Francis thanked her for her courage and told her to ‘Stay strong.’ His words and actions support the universal human right to conscientious objection.”

…”There was no line of people before, near, or around Kim Davis,” Staver said in the press release. “Had Kim Davis been in a line of people or been seen by anyone outside of Vatican personnel, we would not have been able to keep her visit secret. Kim’s face is easily recognizable. When we walk through airports as large as LaGuardia, Philadelpia (sic), and Reagan, people recognize her and give her encouragement. This was a private meeting with no other people except for the Pope and select Vatican personnel.”

Interesting spin there, saying that the Pope was not endorsing her Liberty Counsel-funded law suit, just, you know, offering moral support for her position.

So I guess Mat Staver is calling Pope Frankie a liar? The Vatican releases their own statement:

“The Pope did not enter into the details of the situation of Mrs. Davis and his meeting with her should not be considered a form of support of her position in all of its particular and complex aspects,” [Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi] said in a statement.

…“The only real audience granted by the Pope at the Nunciature (Vatican embassy) was with one of his former students and his family,” the statement said.

So who’s the real winner here? Cardinal Dolan. His greasy fingerprints are all over the rat f***ing here. Didn’t even need a ball-peen hammer to kneecap the Pope this time.

UPDATE 1: Brother Pierce at Esquire has the goods, agrees it was a rat-f***ing, but has a different perp. As Pierce is/was Catholic and knows a good deal more, I’d say his finger is on the pulse, so to speak, of the rat-f***er.