Some Fries With Your Stupid, Crazy Unkka Pat?

Please let me know when we have human sacrifice on the statehouse wall, Unkka Pat. I’ve got a little list started.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Once again, we turn our gimlet eye to Marco ‘Big Gulp’ Rubio, the Cold Warrior for a New Generation, and beloved grandson figure of Wingnuts over the age of 65 and under the age of death:

“Sometimes in contemporary American life, we come to believe that all the great causes are over, that the past generation fought all the important battles: abolition, the Civil Rights Movement, women’s suffrage. But it’s not true. In fact, one of the most important battles is the one that you are engaged in now.”

And thus Big Gulp pledges to be a culture warrior and fight Roe V. Wade until Hell freezes over and then fighting against it on the ice.

News That Will Drive You To Drink, Ohio

Happy Hour News Briefs

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a  crucifix!

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a crucifix!

(COLUMBUS, Ohio) – Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine today announced a $300,000 grant for Athletes in Action (AIA), a Xenia-based nonprofit organization that works to help form well-rounded athletes of integrity in their sport and beyond.

“For more than 45 years, Athletes in Action has helped competitors of many ages,” said Attorney General DeWine. “I am pleased that this grant will help them continue to serve Ohio communities through athletic programming.”

Congrats, Ohio! Your Attorney General just gave $300,000 of your taxpayer Ameros to Y’all Qaeda in your name! Interesting how AG DeWine doesn’t mention any of the Jeebus-y stuff at all in his press release. What, you don’t believe me? It’s not like Athletes in Action were hiding it:

“Since 1966, Athletes in Action has been using sports as a platform to help people answer questions of faith and to point them to Jesus. We believe that sports has the power to open doors and create connections in a way that few other things can, and that’s why we are constantly working to create new ways of reaching out to athletes and sports fans alike. Ultimately, our goal is to see peoples’ lives changed as they discover God’s purpose for their life.

“We dream of a day when there are Christ-followers on every team, in sport, in every nation. We believe this is possible when organizations and individuals — who want every athlete to know someone who truly follows Jesus — work together toward the common goal of furthering God’s kingdom.”

Kansas: ‘We Don’t Serve Your Kind’ Executive Order

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

And so Kansas’ most famous strip-mall Ezekiel Sam Brownback (with his teased/bullied Baptist hair) has issued his much-threatened executive order, in the key of dog whistle, to keep discrimination legal and to protect the Xristian Xrazies against the Lavender Menace who just wanna get hitched.

“Brownback said the order protects “Kansas clergy and religious organizations from being forced to participate in activities that violate their sincerely and deeply held beliefs.”

“The order explicitly protects religious organizations that provide “social services or charitable services,” meaning that it extends beyond the wedding ceremony.

So it really can be interpreted to be a “We Don’t Serve Your Kind” law?

“The order means “a homeless shelter that received a state contract or grant could refuse family housing to a gay couple with a child, or a foster care agency could refuse to place a child in their custody with the child’s family member just because the family member was in a same-sex relationship – and the state could not require them to treat all families equally,” said Micah Kubic, executive director of the Kansas chapter of the ACLU.”

I was tempted to snarkily call this Brownback Vs. The Board Of Education, but it has nothing to do with the that landmark case except that this is the same kind of roadblock that The Confederacy was throwing during the push to desegregate the schools. Still, there is a dim echo.

Interesting note: Brownback issued his fatwah executive order the same day that Kansas LGBTQ public servants gained access to full benefits for their same-sex spouses. I don’t think that was serendipity.

(Wichita Eagle)

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Kansas?

We Don’t Serve Your Kind


Kansas governor pondering religious objections legislation

Gov. Brownback is considering going where Mike Pence has gone, and where Bobby Jindal tried to go in legalizing We Don’t Serve Your Kind laws. The article tells us that Brownback already has rescinded previous Gov. Kathleen Sebelius’ executive order to protect LGBTQ people from discrimination in state hiring, so he’s already proven his intentions.

“Kansas already has a “religious freedom” law, enacted in 2013, saying that state or local government agencies can’t substantially limit someone’s exercise of religion without a compelling reason. It allows lawsuits to challenge government actions.

“Legislators last year considered providing additional protections specifically for churches, faith-based groups, businesses and individuals citing religious beliefs in refusing to participate in or provide goods, services and accommodations for same-sex weddings.”

Kansas is in a deep economic slump following Brownback’s decision to allow it to become the Randian-Libertarian paradise of almost no taxes. I’ve no idea what sort of pressure Corporate America could put on the state, but given their very fragile economy any sort of organized protest and boycott would probably bring Kansas to its knees. Kansas re-elected him after he destroyed their economy (and education system), so I have no sympathy for what might follow.

When it comes to political leaders and their relationship to religion, I usually suspect them of being grifters using it to rile up the rubes and gain some additional power (see Jindal, Bobby), but then there are governors like Brownback who I suspect are the real deal, theocrats just waiting to install Biblical Law.

Let’s keep an eye on this one.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

Mike Huckabee, the 2016 Goat Rodeo Contender best known to Spitballers far and wide as Uncle Sugar, has discovered black people! Who knew?! BuzzFeed, that’s who!

“People are saying, ‘Well, churches shouldn’t have a tax-exempt status. A Christian school or a university should not have a tax-exempt status, shouldn’t be able to let students come on Pell Grants.’ Because if you equate same-sex marriage to a civil right—,” Huckabee said on a local radio station in Baton Rouge, interrupting himself to make his case against the comparison.

“First of all,” Huckabee said, “what an insult to African-Americans, who were hosed in the street, who were beaten, who were truly discriminated against with separate restrooms, separate drinking fountains, separate entrances. That was true discrimination and it was horrible. It’s hard to say that the redefinition of marriage is on the same basis as was racial discrimination throughout our history.”

Pretty amazing considering last week he told us that there was no racism, just people who needed to be converted to Jeebus.

Your Daily Gohmert


“May God forgive our Supreme Court majority for its arrogance and its self-apotheosis.”

(World Nut Daily—the whole article is just chock full of nutty goodness.)

When All You Have Is A Hammer, Cont.

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Mike ‘Uncle Sugar’ Huckabee is distinguishing himself once again by suggesting that what we need is more Jeebus, nothing more, to work out all of our racial tensions:

“I keep hearing people saying we need more conversations about race,” the former Arkansas governor opined. “Actually we don’t need more conversations. What we need is conversions because the reconciliations that changes people is not a racial reconciliation, it’s a spiritual reconciliation when people are reconciled to God.”

“When I love God and I know that God created other people regardless of their color as much as he made me, I don’t have a problem with racism,” Huckabee insisted.

The candidate concluded: “It’s solved!”

If you are a Xristian theocrat running for the secular office of the preznint, as is Huckabee, then you have a policy prescription for everything: Jeebus. Honest-to-blog, he really is calling for everyone to convert to Christianity. And then what happens next? The Baptists square off against the Methodists who square off against the Presbyterians who square off against…

Huckabee is a walking, talking Exhibit A for why our founding fathers created the wall between church and state.

(Raw Story)

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

Get off the cross, someone needs the wood

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

The Xristian Xrazies are vowing to go to prison rather than recognize same-sex marriages:

“With the U.S. Supreme Court expected to rule in the coming weeks that same sex marriage is legal, many Christian evangelicals say they will refuse to obey the new law, and are prepared to go to prison if necessary, News Radio 1200 WOAI reports.

“However the law is changed, I will do what I have always done,” he said. “I will continue to preach that homosexuality is a sinful life style.”

“Scarborough says some 40,000 pastors and church leaders have signed a petition at He says those who signed the petition will ‘resist all government efforts to require them to accept gay marriage, and they will accept any fine and jail time to protect their religious freedom and the freedom of others.'”

I’m not sure I understand why they will go to prison, but because Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum both signed it, I kinda like this pledge. Keep your word, boys.

Glen Beck’s Time of the Month

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glen Beck learns something:

Isn’t theocracy fun? Ladies are slut shamed if they do, sad if they don’t, and blamed if they don’t calf on command. Meanwhile dudes have a god-given Burpee seed factory.