News That Will Drive You To Drink

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

Mike (Gomer) and Jetherine (the Gomerette) Huckabee

Mike Huckabee, the 2016 Goat Rodeo Contender best known to Spitballers far and wide as Uncle Sugar, has discovered black people! Who knew?! BuzzFeed, that’s who!

“People are saying, ‘Well, churches shouldn’t have a tax-exempt status. A Christian school or a university should not have a tax-exempt status, shouldn’t be able to let students come on Pell Grants.’ Because if you equate same-sex marriage to a civil right—,” Huckabee said on a local radio station in Baton Rouge, interrupting himself to make his case against the comparison.

“First of all,” Huckabee said, “what an insult to African-Americans, who were hosed in the street, who were beaten, who were truly discriminated against with separate restrooms, separate drinking fountains, separate entrances. That was true discrimination and it was horrible. It’s hard to say that the redefinition of marriage is on the same basis as was racial discrimination throughout our history.”

Pretty amazing considering last week he told us that there was no racism, just people who needed to be converted to Jeebus.

Your Daily Gohmert

gohmert

“May God forgive our Supreme Court majority for its arrogance and its self-apotheosis.”

(World Nut Daily—the whole article is just chock full of nutty goodness.)

When All You Have Is A Hammer, Cont.

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Mike ‘Uncle Sugar’ Huckabee is distinguishing himself once again by suggesting that what we need is more Jeebus, nothing more, to work out all of our racial tensions:

“I keep hearing people saying we need more conversations about race,” the former Arkansas governor opined. “Actually we don’t need more conversations. What we need is conversions because the reconciliations that changes people is not a racial reconciliation, it’s a spiritual reconciliation when people are reconciled to God.”

“When I love God and I know that God created other people regardless of their color as much as he made me, I don’t have a problem with racism,” Huckabee insisted.

The candidate concluded: “It’s solved!”

If you are a Xristian theocrat running for the secular office of the preznint, as is Huckabee, then you have a policy prescription for everything: Jeebus. Honest-to-blog, he really is calling for everyone to convert to Christianity. And then what happens next? The Baptists square off against the Methodists who square off against the Presbyterians who square off against…

Huckabee is a walking, talking Exhibit A for why our founding fathers created the wall between church and state.

(Raw Story)

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

Get off the cross, someone needs the wood

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

The Xristian Xrazies are vowing to go to prison rather than recognize same-sex marriages:

“With the U.S. Supreme Court expected to rule in the coming weeks that same sex marriage is legal, many Christian evangelicals say they will refuse to obey the new law, and are prepared to go to prison if necessary, News Radio 1200 WOAI reports.

“However the law is changed, I will do what I have always done,” he said. “I will continue to preach that homosexuality is a sinful life style.”

“Scarborough says some 40,000 pastors and church leaders have signed a petition at http://www.defendmarriage.org. He says those who signed the petition will ‘resist all government efforts to require them to accept gay marriage, and they will accept any fine and jail time to protect their religious freedom and the freedom of others.'”

I’m not sure I understand why they will go to prison, but because Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum both signed it, I kinda like this pledge. Keep your word, boys.

Glen Beck’s Time of the Month

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glen Beck learns something:

Isn’t theocracy fun? Ladies are slut shamed if they do, sad if they don’t, and blamed if they don’t calf on command. Meanwhile dudes have a god-given Burpee seed factory.

One Lump of Stupid or Two?

Thanks Unkka Pat for comforting the grieving mother by suggesting that her baby could be the next Hitler, so it’s a good thing it died.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Franklin?

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Franklin Graham, none-to-brite spawn of Billy, has had enough of The Lavender Menace! First Tiffany wants to tap that market (see what I did there), and now Wells Fargo wants the ‘mos business. But Franklin Graham will not be made a fool of!

“Have you ever asked yourself–how can we fight the tide of moral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and the gay & lesbian community? Every day it is something else! Tiffany’s started advertising wedding rings for gay couples. Wells Fargo bank is using a same-sex couple in their advertising. And there are more. But it has dawned on me that we don’t have to do business with them. At the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, we are moving our accounts from Wells Fargo to another bank. And guess what—we don’t have to shop at Tiffany & Co., there are plenty of other jewelry stores. This is one way we as Christians can speak out—we have the power of choice. Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention. Share this if you agree.”

Now dim Frankie wrote this screed on his wall on his Book of Faces, but he doesn’t seem to know that Facebook is LGBTQ pro-marriage equality, like most Silicon Valley companies. And as he will soon learn, so are most banks.

Your Three-Martini Stupid Is Served.

Oh, he didn't...

Oh, he didn’t…

THIS.

Bruce “Caitlyn” Jenner is no more an actual woman than Star Trek’s Michael Dorn is an actual Klingon.

Scott Lively Ministries

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Gov. Huckabee?

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Heh.

“Endorsements from Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting,” have disappeared from former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee’s (R) presidential campaign website.”

So I guess being the most out-spoken defender of a serial child molester like Josh Duggar—the incestuous Xristian, home-schooled pedophilia aficionado, deemed too toxic for an official hate group—didn’t poll well with the base?

Who could have known?

News That Will Drive You To Drink – Secession Edition

Kiss Jeebus on the lips, World Nut Daily

Kiss Jeebus on the lips, World Nut Daily

Fair warning! World Nut Daily editorial with a question in the headline follows, so Betteridge’s Law Of Headlines is in effect!

DOES SAME-SEX MARRIAGE WARRANT SECESSION?

“Will a U.S. Supreme Court decision declaring “same-sex marriage” a “right” warrant secession by some state willing and eager to reclaim America’s Judeo-Christian heritage and foundation?

“You know it’s inevitable, right?”

Um. Secession is inevitable? Do continue…

“The fix is in. Two members of the Supreme Court have personally officiated at same-sex “marriages.” I count three solid votes against it. The chances of reaching five are somewhere between slim and none.”

And reaching five in favor of it are also somewhere less than a sure thing. Continue, please.

“I’ve heard some chatter about civil disobedience. That’s all well and good. But I don’t see much in the way of serious organization taking place.”

Organizing for secession? Um, I think that falls into the category of insurrection. Good luck in prison, sir. You do have pretty lips.

“What I do see is a lot of grass-roots concern. I know there are millions of Christians, Jews and others who would pull up stakes and move to another country that honored the institution of marriage as it was designed by God – a union between one man and one woman.”

In the past, I have offered to get you the change of address cards and a box of pencils but you’ve never taken me up on it.

“Is there one state in 50 that would not only defy the coming abomination, but secede in response? The rewards could be great. I would certainly consider relocating. How about you?”

See comment above.

“The founders of this country found a place of refuge in America and shaped it into the greatest self-governing nation in the history of world.”

And they did it without resorting to theocracy. Who knew?

“Just think what one state could do if it simply stuck to the principles that made this country great? Americans wouldn’t have to cross an ocean to rediscover what brought most of our ancestors here. We could simply drive.”

Driving while simple. Indeed.

“Are any states so inclined?”

The Justice Department is waiting, please do let us know.

“I haven’t heard this question raised by anyone else. So I’m raising it now.”

You are a special snowflake, but you don’t get out much do you?

“We don’t have much time before the nine high priests in black robes decide to follow Baal instead of the One True God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”

What about the high priestesses, you sexist trog?!

“We need a Promised Land. We need an Exodus strategy.”

Just leave. I’m sure your fellow theocrats in ISIS will open you, er, greet you with open arms.

“If not a state, are there any nations in the world interested in a pilgrimage by millions of Americans?”

See comment above.