“Ah’ve had bigger…”
Hey guys, remember at 2012 Goat Rodeo when we had the thrill of seeing the hot-dog-on-a-stick deep-throating technique of our old pal secessionist-theocrat nitwit Rick Perry and some of the other candidates, too?
Well, the Des Moines Register is giving us a preview of the culinary delights that await the candidates when they go to the Iowa State Fair (and you know, Know, KNOW that they are going):
- apple pie on a stick
- chocolate-dipped strawberries on a stick
- Corn in a Cup (“corn cut right off the cob, … mixed with chorizo sausage, chayote cheese, lime juice, mayo, butter”)
- deep-fried nacho balls
- donut sundae
- golden fried peanut butter and jelly on a stick
- gluten-free corndog
- pumpkin-spice funnel cake
- Ultimate Bacon Explosion (8 ounces of bacon-wrapped brisket trimmings, infused with jalapeno chese”)
- 27-degree super-chill beer
For a ¼ point towards your final grade, tell us in the comments the food-on-a-stick or other item that you long to see a 2016 Goat Rodeo contender choke down.
Hey Guys, we learned recently that the Fed is thinking about putting a woman on the $10 Amero (good idea, long, Long, LONG overdue!), but we wonder: who should it be?
Because we are spitballers at heart, and because we are also all in favor of equality please nominate two famous American women (one serious and one snarky) to be put on a $10.
Answers in the Comments, #2 lead pencil only.
I’m going with Harriet Tubman and Pickles, because I understand that the going rate for Xanax as loosies is about $10.
Sweet Baby Jeebus! He figured out where Tab A and Slot B go!
Folks is dumb where I come from…
“You mean you have to name them, too?,” Cotton didn’t say.
UPDATE: OK, Scissorheads: NAME THE BABY!
Richard Cohen, World’s Worst Writer
As we mentioned earlier, Richard Cohen
The Worst Writer In The World®
wrote another one of his gruesome abecedarian works. What I failed to notice is that he gave a gift to bloggers at the end:
“Now for a blogger alert: Please note that I do not think racism is no longer a problem or that campus rape has not been an unaddressed horror. I know better.”
For one-half of one point counting towards your midterm essay, write a Blogger Alert for any columnist of your choice, which disclaims their usual craptastic writing and asks you not to mock them.
In the comments. #2 Pencils only.
Here’s my example:
- Peggy Noonan:
— Blogger Alert: “Please not that I wrote this column on the way to St. Ronnie’s Library, while riding topless with the Hell’s Angels, high on ether and cheap rum…”
We were astonished to learn that those tea bagging party animals at #CPAC had to time to get their drink on:
National Harbor, Maryland (CNN)The cocktail menu at Harrington’s Pub, a watering hole next to the hotel hosting an annual gathering of the nation’s top Republicans, listed 10 specialty drinks, each named after a possible GOP presidential candidate.
Would I try my luck with “The Fiorina Freedom” or “The Captain Carson”? Perhaps “Rubio’s Thirst Quencher” or “Rand’s Liquid Liberty”?
Now, of course if we Scissorheads were to design the cocktail menu at CPAC, the names of the libations would be much, much snarkier and better. Fiorina Freedom? How about trying a Carley’s Golden Parachute! Of course the drinks would consist of Kool Aid with perhaps some Ex-Lax, but that’s not the subject of the Pop Quiz:
For 1/2016th of a point counting towards your midterm grade, come up with a drink name for any of the 2016 Goat Rodeo Contenders. The name of the drink does not have to have the name of the contender if the subject matter is so closely attributed to him/her. (A Frothy Mix, for instance, tells us that it is a class full of warm Santorum. [Ew, gross!])
Number 2 lead pencils only in the comments.
Scott Walker, the wall-eyed git hired to enrich the Koch Brothers answer is so completely empty (Our Lady of Merlot would have us believe that this is brilliant, disciplined, politicking), it is impossible to know that he was actually being asked about Net Neutrality.
For ⅓ of 1 point towards your final grade, pose a question for Scottie that could use his answer in the vid. Blue Books, #2 lead pencils only.
(I’m going with “Boxers or briefs?”)
The Candidate Who Will Drive You To Drink
Millennials for Jeb is selling… a flask because Chimpy was a boozer, why not raise money for NotChimpy by selling flasks, thus proving that The Smart Bush is his own man!
I’m already howling that there is such a thing as Millennials For Jeb, so here’s the quiz: for ⅓ point towards your midterm exam, come up with a slogan that embraces the unlikely fandom that millennials would have for Jeb Bush. Something pithy that could be engraved under the bad posterized art on the flask.
OK, Scissorheads, this is a POP QUIZ! There’s no jacket description for this book, so for ⅛ of 1 point towards your final score, write the inside flap copy remembering that this is a family-friendly blog.
Bonus point: give us the title of the companion book for girls, and some jacket copy for it, too. We are, after all, equal opportunity.
Blue books, #2 Pencils in the comments.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)
Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.
[Senatorette Lindsey] Graham: I’ve got what GOP needs in 2016
- Thorozine and a Polo Mallet?
- Whip and a Chair?
- Splash towels?
It really feels like Lindsey is trolling us, But I know that we are up to challenge. For a third of a point counting towards your midterm grade, add more things to this list of what Senatorette Graham has that the GOP needs.
In the comments, #2 Pencils only.
“You really sent the National Guard to Terri Schiavo’s room?”
Your turn. In the comments.